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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A child-free wedding AIBU…

192 replies

AttackCat · 18/05/2022 20:24

If you’re inviting people to a child-free wedding, what’s an appropriate way to communicate that it’s child-free?

We’ve had a misunderstanding over a wedding invite. I thought DC were invited because we hadn’t been told they weren’t. The bride/groom assumed we knew DC weren’t invited because we hadn’t been told they were.

The invite we received said ‘Mr and Mrs AttackCat’ on the envelope, the invite itself didn’t have any names on it at all.

YABU - the invite was clear no DC were invited as their names weren’t on the envelope

YANBU - the invite wasn’t sufficiently clear that DC weren’t invited.

It’s all been ironed out in advance of the wedding (we asked for clarification) but bride/groom evidently thought the invitation was clear and I don’t think it was.

OP posts:
Penguinsaregreat · 21/05/2022 08:57

To be blunt parents used to parent their children.
If you went to a wedding, and it was usually in a church you showed respect. Nobody spoke, nobody. Children knew to stfu. There again when I was at school the thought of swearing at a teacher was incomprehensible. We had corporal punishment and it was used for far less crimes than swearing at staff.
weddings were different. The bride and groom did not have their own children. Lots of guests attended and there would be plenty of people to look after children. I don't remember going to the evening do as a child. There was the church service, the reception and then the evening do I presume for adults.
Now weddings are usually much smaller in terms of numbers I rarely see weddings with over 100 guests.

Confusion101 · 21/05/2022 08:57

A recent invitation was very explicit it was child-free (family member and I know not due to cost or space). That’s totally their choice

And then you go on to give out about their decision. 😅 If parents agreed to mind their children at weddings maybe brides and grooms would be more open to inviting them. Any wedding I've been to that had children was carnage with children running everywhere, shouting, banging into people, taking over the dance floor. Imo they are not child friendly at all. But I'm in Ireland where it is a looooong day based around music and drinking

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/05/2022 09:00

Now they are an all day event with evening reception until midnight. Far too long a day for small children really.

I was born in the late 70s. I went to multiple weddings in the 1980s when "carriages" came after midnight. A mix of family weddings and dad's colleagues (military).

rainbowmilk · 21/05/2022 10:14

The last wedding I went to that had children there, the kids were running around taking food off other people’s plates and taking it back to a “cave” they’d made under one the tables. Parents were oblivious.

I’ve seen a lot of crying/whinging babies and toddlers not be taken out during vows etc. too. If people are moving towards childfree weddings I don’t think it’s purely insta-culture, it’s that people are now much more permissive about children’s behaviour and believe that everything should revolve around them. You didn’t have bouncy castles or kids entertainers or separate rooms with cartoons in the good old days either, you had parents raising their kids to behave properly.

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 10:31

You didn’t have bouncy castles or kids entertainers or separate rooms with cartoons in the good old days either, you had parents raising their kids to behave properly.

I suspect it was easier to keep fidgety young children quiet in church and otherwise for long periods when you were allowed to beat them.

SmellyWellyWoo · 21/05/2022 10:38

I never assume DC or even DP are invited unless the invite explicitly states they are.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 10:59

DockOTheBay · 20/05/2022 14:53

As if people can afford unnecessary stuff like a children’s entertainer or bouncy castle in this day and age
Plenty of people seem to be able to afford unnecessary stuff such as sweet carts, photobooths, massive cakes, designer dresses and shoes, make up artists, special bridal dressing gowns etc. Depends on your definition of "unnecessary". It would probably cost about 1% of the average wedding cost, to add a bouncy castle and entertainer.

Weddings are not especially ‘family’ events suitable for kids - reason being that it’s about getting married and kids can’t get married Weddings used to be family events. About joining of two families together and a celebration of that. People used to consider what would be fun and suitable for their guests and their families, now its just "me me me" for the bride and groom. Which is a real shame.

@DockOTheBay

completely disagree with you.

Are you telling me that when I get married I should forego having my makeup done professionally, probably the one and only time I will have this done in order to hire a bouncy castle and children’s entertainer?!

And yes, the day is centred around the bride and groom because erm it’s their special day and they are getting married. It is their wedding day about the two of them joining together everything else and everyone else including any kids there are peripheral.

if you can’t have it all about you on your wedding day when can you ffs?!

rainbowmilk · 21/05/2022 11:28

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 10:31

You didn’t have bouncy castles or kids entertainers or separate rooms with cartoons in the good old days either, you had parents raising their kids to behave properly.

I suspect it was easier to keep fidgety young children quiet in church and otherwise for long periods when you were allowed to beat them.

I think if you’re trying to say that the only two options to get kids to behave are corporal punishment or every event must be aimed at catering especially for them, you might be a good example of the kind of parenting I’m talking about.

Sleepingsatellite1 · 21/05/2022 11:31

Its only the people who’s names are on the envelope in my opinion, if I was confused I’d probably check? Do love a good child free wedding though 🙌

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 11:39

I think if you’re trying to say that the only two options to get kids to behave are corporal punishment or every event must be aimed at catering especially for them, you might be a good example of the kind of parenting I’m talking about.

No, merely that imo it's an unrealistic expectation of really young children (let's say up to around 5/6) that they will stay still or sit quietly for more than around 30-45 minutes max unless you frighten them into submission or entertain them in some way.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 11:40

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 11:39

I think if you’re trying to say that the only two options to get kids to behave are corporal punishment or every event must be aimed at catering especially for them, you might be a good example of the kind of parenting I’m talking about.

No, merely that imo it's an unrealistic expectation of really young children (let's say up to around 5/6) that they will stay still or sit quietly for more than around 30-45 minutes max unless you frighten them into submission or entertain them in some way.

@ChocolateHippo

therefore they shouldn’t come to weddings. Weddings are a day for adults first and foremost.
problem solved

Penguinsaregreat · 21/05/2022 11:41

People took their children out of the service completely if they made a noise. No exceptions. It was considered the height of bad manners to leave your child talking/shouting/screaming never mind running around in a church.
The bridesmaids were young and childfree. I can never understand people asking a woman with young children to be a bridesmaid. Seen the kids kick off and the mother ( bridesmaid is helpless).
Ruins the ceremony in my opinion.
When I was a child you didn't need childfree weddings, parents simply removed an unruly child straight away. They also say at the back of the church so that there was a quick getaway if need be.

Sleepingsatellite1 · 21/05/2022 11:45

I definitely have parented my children at weddings and that’s why I prefer child free ones 😂😉

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 11:49

therefore they shouldn’t come to weddings. Weddings are a day for adults first and foremost.
problem solved

As in all things, there is a balance to be struck. If not inviting children means a large proportion of your family/friends won't be able to attend, then it might be necessary to compromise if you want them to be there. If it's not an issue, then a child-free wedding makes perfect sense.

What the bride and groom can't do is demand that people magic up childcare in order to attend their wedding. And what guests can't do is demand that their children attend when clearly the bride and groom's preference is for a child-free wedding.

But if children are present at a wedding, having appropriate entertainment goes a long way to keeping them happy and out of the way.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 11:53

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 11:49

therefore they shouldn’t come to weddings. Weddings are a day for adults first and foremost.
problem solved

As in all things, there is a balance to be struck. If not inviting children means a large proportion of your family/friends won't be able to attend, then it might be necessary to compromise if you want them to be there. If it's not an issue, then a child-free wedding makes perfect sense.

What the bride and groom can't do is demand that people magic up childcare in order to attend their wedding. And what guests can't do is demand that their children attend when clearly the bride and groom's preference is for a child-free wedding.

But if children are present at a wedding, having appropriate entertainment goes a long way to keeping them happy and out of the way.

@ChocolateHippo

agree with what your saying except the bit about a “large proportion” of guests won’t be able to attend a child free wedding if they have kids.

we are having a child free wedding and none of those invited will not be able to come because they have no child care. Vast majority of people have parents, other relatives, friends etc who can babysit.

I think the issue on here is that loads of people don’t WANT to leave their kids and be parted from them for a day and feel affronted that someone else has dared to not have their day revolve around kids

cecilthehungryspider · 21/05/2022 11:55

Doveyouknow · 18/05/2022 20:32

I wouldn't be sure if it was just on the envelope as you often don't list all the names when you address an envelope. I don't normally list everyone on the envelope of an Xmas card but would in the card. Different if it was on the invitation itself.

This.

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2022 11:55

CounsellorTroi · 21/05/2022 07:03

Back in the day weddings were much shorter events. Church service, reception, then couple would depart on their honeymoon. Now they are an all day event with evening reception until midnight. Far too long a day for small children really.

I grew up on the 60s/70s. I ever attended one wedding with my parents, an older cousin. There were others my parents attended to which we were not invited.

Show quote history

I went to every family wedding (and a couple of family friends') in the 60s and then 70s.

Full of children and the party carried on after the bride and groom went off.

Sleepingsatellite1 · 21/05/2022 11:56

Christmas cards and invites aren’t the same thing

Confusion101 · 21/05/2022 11:59

If not inviting children means a large proportion of your family/friends won't be able to attend

This really baffles me. Maybe it's different in Ireland but very few weddings here would have children invited (or at least the ones I've been to) and there has rarely been a case where parents couldn't attend. A large proportion genuinely have absolutely noooo friend or family member or childcare that can help out? Sounds very dramatic! I can think of nothing worse than bringing a child to a wedding 😂

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 12:02

I think the issue on here is that loads of people don’t WANT to leave their kids and be parted from them for a day and feel affronted that someone else has dared to not have their day revolve around kids

Maybe, though I can't understand that 😂. Looking after children during weddings and trying to keep them quiet sucks.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 12:06

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 12:02

I think the issue on here is that loads of people don’t WANT to leave their kids and be parted from them for a day and feel affronted that someone else has dared to not have their day revolve around kids

Maybe, though I can't understand that 😂. Looking after children during weddings and trying to keep them quiet sucks.

That’s what I think too! Not very enjoyable for anyone! Leave the kids at home and let your hair down!

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 12:14

A large proportion genuinely have absolutely noooo friend or family member or childcare that can help out? Sounds very dramatic!

It depends on the wedding. We have no family nearby (nearest are 2-3 hours away). Grandparents would be willing to help out with the occasional weekend wedding (either coming to us or dropping DC off with them). But weekday weddings are extremely difficult (and becoming surprisingly common). Yes, there are babysitters but agency babysitters are £££ (we pay £14-15 per hour) and won't usually do anything complicated like school pick-ups or activities for you. We have a weekday wedding coming up for a close friend and, although we've managed to cobble together something for the day (mum of DC's friend is doing us a HUGE FAVOUR and having him until 7pm), we've had to go back to the groom and say that only DH will be at the evening bit.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 12:24

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 12:14

A large proportion genuinely have absolutely noooo friend or family member or childcare that can help out? Sounds very dramatic!

It depends on the wedding. We have no family nearby (nearest are 2-3 hours away). Grandparents would be willing to help out with the occasional weekend wedding (either coming to us or dropping DC off with them). But weekday weddings are extremely difficult (and becoming surprisingly common). Yes, there are babysitters but agency babysitters are £££ (we pay £14-15 per hour) and won't usually do anything complicated like school pick-ups or activities for you. We have a weekday wedding coming up for a close friend and, although we've managed to cobble together something for the day (mum of DC's friend is doing us a HUGE FAVOUR and having him until 7pm), we've had to go back to the groom and say that only DH will be at the evening bit.

@ChocolateHippo

Weekday weddings are becoming so common cos it’s absolutely extortionate to get married on a Saturday now

ScarlettSunset · 21/05/2022 12:39

I don't think it was clear at all. If I send a card or invitation to a family, I would only address the envelope to the adults but I'd add the children's names inside. Putting it all on the envelope would just make it look crowded and I wouldn't even keep the envelope anyway

As no one was named on the invitation inside, I would have to ask as I wouldn't know who was definitely invited.

To be fair, I've never received an invitation for a child free wedding though.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/05/2022 13:19

Still can’t believe some posters on here think I should sacrifice something like having my makeup done professionally in order to find a bouncy castle/ children’s entertainer 🤣🤣🤣