A child-free wedding AIBU…

[AttackCat]

If you’re inviting people to a child-free wedding, what’s an appropriate way to communicate that it’s child-free?

We’ve had a misunderstanding over a wedding invite. I thought DC were invited because we hadn’t been told they weren’t. The bride/groom assumed we knew DC weren’t invited because we hadn’t been told they were.

The invite we received said ‘Mr and Mrs AttackCat’ on the envelope, the invite itself didn’t have any names on it at all.

YABU - the invite was clear no DC were invited as their names weren’t on the envelope

YANBU - the invite wasn’t sufficiently clear that DC weren’t invited.

It’s all been ironed out in advance of the wedding (we asked for clarification) but bride/groom evidently thought the invitation was clear and I don’t think it was.

*world, not works!

I think this is the key point. They're entitled to have a child-free wedding but they can't then get upset that you can't make it.

Could one of you go?

I'd have assumed they weren't invited. If they were, it would've had "Mr & Mrs Attackcat and family" or "the attackcat family" or had the dc names on.

I think our only option is to book an Airbnb/cottage for the weekend and a babysitter for the day while we are at the wedding. Or not go.

I wouldn’t assume they were unless their name was on the invitation. It is normal to clarify on the invitation somewhere! A recent invitation we received had a simple ‘adults only’ on the invitation. For our wedding we warned people as soon as we sent out text messages to save the date. We also included an information sheet in the invitation that explained we didn’t have room for any children other than immediate family and wedding party (which amounted to quite a lot of children so I wanted to explain before people showed up and wondered why their kids had been excluded) - and that babes in arms were welcome.

I haven't been to a wedding for a while. The names of those invited used to be written on the invitation. It seems a strange kind of etiquette to me to put the information on the envelope only.

Formalities were at least sometimes for a reason, and in this case made communication much clearer.

They should've put the names on the invitation, but I would've gone back and checked the envelope in that case.

However, given it's immediate family (i.e. your DC are the DNs of the bride or groom?) then I think they're unreasonable not to just invite your DC and hugely unreasonable not to have discussed it with you beforehand.

As a default I would assume my kids were invited to a close family wedding and very much not invited to anyone else's, that's the norm here.

@DockOTheBay

As if people can afford unnecessary stuff like a children’s entertainer or bouncy castle in this day and age.

Weddings are not especially ‘family’ events suitable for kids - reason being that it’s about getting married and kids can’t get married.

and do I fuck want someone else’s kids disrupting my wedding! Especially given the amount of money, time and energy that has gone into planning it. And I make no apologies for that. If someone like who who thinks the world revolves around kids thinks that that makes me shallow or whatever, then so be it! 👍

Yes that’s exactly it.

In the context (DNs, informal reception which seemed that it would be child-friendly, lack of explicit communication to the contrary), it didn’t seem outrageous that are starting assumption was the DCs would be invited.

I’ve been to other weddings (very fancy formal wedding, workmates not family) where my starting assumption was very much that DCs wouldn’t have been invited.

I don't think it's clear cut either. Especially if kids are older and way past the running about and screaming stage.

I've been to two adults-only weddings recently - one was explicit, one just left our son's name off the invite so we just assumed he wasn't invited (he didn't want to go anyway so we didn't ask for clarification especially as it was a family member of the previous explicitly adults-only wedding). But of course, even if a wedding is child-friendly, it might only be for family kids and not kids of friends, so I think it's sensible for the bride and groom to specify.

@PuppyMonkey

I can’t understand the point of weddings without kids personally.

lol how ridiculous.

You can’t understand the point?? Let me help you out. A wedding is about 2 adults getting married. Children cannot get married. You don’t need children present in order to get married. It’s a day that’s focus is on the two adults who are getting married, not about any children - it’s not their day.

Hope that helps!

putting that sort of information on the envelope is not sufficient. If DH had opened the invitation before me, all that I’d have seen was the actual invitation, as he bins envelopes immediately.

I would not have known anything more than was in the actual invitation

Unless explicitly noted on the invite, I have always checked. One of my friends has 8 siblings and a big extended family so at her wedding, only her family's children were invited (and that was loads) . So even if children are part of the wedding it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone's kids can come too.

Only you and DH are named on invite. So obvious to me the invite is for you two and no one else.

Only the names people are invited. Not hard to send a quick message to check though is it?

I think people are missing that this is an immediate family wedding.

If your sibling was getting married, would you really not expect your children to be invited? And that you would only find that out via the formal invitation and not any of the (probably many!) conversations about wedding planning etc in the run up?

We sent invitations to our parents, siblings and bridal party but really that was just a formality and so our parents would have it to keep. They knew when and where the wedding was!

Last wedding i went to was ruined by children.

One child screamed all the way through the prayers her mum was doing, screamed into the microphone, her dad just stood there and beamed at her.

The speeches were ruined by one of her uni friends babies screaming all the way through the one done by her dad when he was talking about how much her mum would have loved to have been there as she died 4 weeks previously..

Uni friend didn't take the baby outside, just looked around at everyone who was staring at her as if he was the most beautiful thing in the entire world.

Brides dad finally told her to take him out and she cried.

So no. Babies and children are not welcome at weddings but mainly it's because of shitty parenting.

All our friends are getting married this year and uni friend is not being invited to any of them as she won't leave her baby (2)

She also brought him to the hen do which was shit

Don't think people are missing it. It was described as "close family" rather than immediate, so suggest unlikely to be a sister or brother getting married, more like a cousin.

Either way, while I wouldn't have presummed my children were invited, the bride and groom where daft not to write on the actual invitation.

OP if you're talking about your brother or sister than YANBU. Another relation than YABU an d even then, only slightly seeing to sort clarification before rocking up on the day.

Wow that’s horrendous behaviour from their parents.

You have just confirmed that not having kids at my upcoming wedding is absolutely the best thing to do!

YANBU

It’s odd not to have names on the invite! I wouldn’t have addressed the envelope with the kids names if they were invited anyway, I’ve always addressed to the parents, then named each guest inside.

Being a close relative, it’s not unreasonable to have thought the DC may have been invited. You did the right thing in clarifying before the day.

Nothing wrong with wanting a child free wedding but I think you need to be explicitly clear about it on the invites.

Now if you’re unable to attend due to childcare reasons, they’ll probably think you’re just having a strop about the kids not being invited 😅😬

My kids wouldn’t have liked being left with a complete stranger and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable leaving them with someone unknown for a full-day event. We’re very lucky that we have two sets of dgp’s to help do this has never been an issue for us, but if the option was someone unfamiliar to the kids we wouldn’t have attended. I have no issue with child-free weddings but it has to be understood that those with children might not want or be able to leave their dc for a full day (or longer on some occasions). It’s the same with weddings abroad. People can have whatever sort of wedding they like - it is their day - but no-one is obliged to attend.

I think in the circumstances you’ve described it wasn’t unexpected that you might need to clarify. It’s close family, an informal wedding and there were no names in the invitation. They really should have made the situation clear.

That's crappy parenting, not crappy children @LuckySantangelo35

I don't know anyone who would behave so badly thankfully

@Clymene

thats what I said. Horrendous behaviour from their parents. So glad I’m having a child free wedding! 😊

I made this exact mistake but unfortunately turned up to the reception with DS, I was mortified. My OH had opened the envelope and binned it and as said it didn't contain names on the invite. I have never been so embarrassed but even if I had seen the invite I probably would have still done the same. It was a learning curve lol

I think it's now clear, even to those who agree with the B&G in the OP, that this is so easy to misunderstand. Just be clear either way to avoid any issues.

Fwiw I completely agree that this wasn't obvious and could've gone either way. The groom is absolutely wrong in that respect.