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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A child-free wedding AIBU…

192 replies

AttackCat · 18/05/2022 20:24

If you’re inviting people to a child-free wedding, what’s an appropriate way to communicate that it’s child-free?

We’ve had a misunderstanding over a wedding invite. I thought DC were invited because we hadn’t been told they weren’t. The bride/groom assumed we knew DC weren’t invited because we hadn’t been told they were.

The invite we received said ‘Mr and Mrs AttackCat’ on the envelope, the invite itself didn’t have any names on it at all.

YABU - the invite was clear no DC were invited as their names weren’t on the envelope

YANBU - the invite wasn’t sufficiently clear that DC weren’t invited.

It’s all been ironed out in advance of the wedding (we asked for clarification) but bride/groom evidently thought the invitation was clear and I don’t think it was.

OP posts:
DockOTheBay · 19/05/2022 06:04

I don't tend to keep envelopes once they're opened so I would throw it away and then not know who it was addressed to.
They should definitely put a line on the actual invite, it could be very simple "sorry, no children" or "this event is for adults only" just to make it crystal clear

DockOTheBay · 19/05/2022 06:13

underneaththeash · 18/05/2022 21:35

I can't understand why anyone would either want other people's children at their wedding or want to take their own. It's boring for them, people have to leave early and they're disruptive. We've done two with ours and they were considerably less enjoyable for us and kids than getting a babysitter.

Because weddings are a family event and used to be suitable for kids. I have brilliant memories of family weddings as a child - playing in the marquee, my uncles wedding had a bouncy castle and entertainer for the kids, dancing at the disco in the evening. You can make a wedding child friendly.

A lot of people now are obsessed with having the perfect wedding and they are often much more formal than they used to be. Can't possibly have someone else's kids there to "disrupt" it.

SD1978 · 19/05/2022 06:20

I would have assumed not invited, as 'and family' not on the invite, and I'd I assume an 'adult' only menu. But I'd clarify in case they were. My initial assumption would be no though.

PuppyMonkey · 19/05/2022 06:44

underneaththeash · 18/05/2022 21:35

I can't understand why anyone would either want other people's children at their wedding or want to take their own. It's boring for them, people have to leave early and they're disruptive. We've done two with ours and they were considerably less enjoyable for us and kids than getting a babysitter.

God I loved weddings as a kid. I can’t understand the point of weddings without kids personally.

Which is all irrelevant, as we’re not the ones involved in this particular wedding.

SaltandPepper22 · 19/05/2022 06:53

It would have been addressed to “The AttackCat Family” if your children were invited.

Don’t understand why people always want to bring their kids to weddings, surely a day/night off to have a few drinks and adult conversation is more appealing than “shhing” your kids during the ceremony and corralling them during the reception?

Qwill · 19/05/2022 07:02

Weddings are not a ‘family event’. Weddings are about the bride and groom getting married and they can invite who they want, or even nobody at all. It always amazes me why people think they get a say in how other people get married, expecting children to be invited or not invited, plus ones, friends of the couple parents etc. I can’t think of another event where the people who are not paying for something feel so entitled.

Penguinsaregreat · 19/05/2022 07:09

The invite should state clearly, so:
Tom Jones & Laura Smith

or Tom Jones, Laura Smith, Lydia and Kate.

ComDummings · 19/05/2022 07:10

I think it’s weird to only have the names on the envelope and not the invitation. On mine I named the children on the invitation so it was obvious they were invited. If they’re not invited I think it’s good to make it really clear and to have a sentence about it like ‘due to space/numbers children are not invited’ then nobody can get it wrong and be embarrassed.

Penguinsaregreat · 19/05/2022 07:14

Regarding child free weddings I can totally understand that after seeing how lazy some parents are.
The last wedding I attended was frankly ruined by 2 sets of parents who thought their precious little ones were far more important than the bride and groom.
I couldn't hear the service due to the incessant screaming of these children and Lord forbid the parents take them out of the room and do the courteous thing.

SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 07:15

AttackCat · 18/05/2022 21:20

I’ve never received a wedding invite that was pre-printed without the invitees handwritten in/on it. I wasn’t aware envelope etiquette was ‘a thing’ - I’m with the PP who thought what is on the envelope is about what’s sufficient to get it to the correct address, not an integral part of the invite.

I completely missed they hadn't bothered writing any names on the actual invitation. In that case as most people chuck the envelope I would have asked them to check the situation. I think writing No Children is a bit off on an invitation and also some people may be allowed children and others not depending on numbers.

TitoMojito · 19/05/2022 07:17

Personally, I would explicitly state it on the invite. Nothing worse than planning a child free wedding then having a bunch of kids show up because the parents misunderstood the invite. It's best to be clear.

cookiemonster2468 · 19/05/2022 07:18

It's not clear enough if you only put adult names and then don't clarify no children on the invite. I would probably assume children are invited because weddings are family occasions - the norm/ default is that they ARE invited.

If people feel awkward about clearly stating 'this is a child-free wedding, don't bring your children', then maybe they should reconsider whether they should be having a child-free wedding!

I don't have kids but I also find the concept of child-free weddings somewhat unpleasant. Children are part of your group of family/ friends and excluding them feels weird. If you entertain them and cater for their needs properly then they will be absolutely fine and bring a lovely energy to the day.

pinthehammer · 19/05/2022 07:21

Penguinsaregreat · 19/05/2022 07:14

Regarding child free weddings I can totally understand that after seeing how lazy some parents are.
The last wedding I attended was frankly ruined by 2 sets of parents who thought their precious little ones were far more important than the bride and groom.
I couldn't hear the service due to the incessant screaming of these children and Lord forbid the parents take them out of the room and do the courteous thing.

This is why we haven't invited children to our wedding. We've been to several where babies screamed/toddlers roamed during the ceremony and the parents didn't take them out.

Also been at a reception where a child pulled a tablecloth and several bottles and glasses off a table, one where a toddler tipped a bowl of soup over covering 2 bridesmaid dresses, and another where the kids just ran feral through the dinner.

inappropriateraspberry · 19/05/2022 07:22

It's not hard to write something on the back of the invite. We had one exactly the same as you OP, it was only when we had to RSVP online that it was obvious only our names were listed, not the children's.
Something like, "Unfortunately, due to numbers, the wedding will be child-free." I'm not upset about it, just would like it made clear! Their wedding, their choice.

trebaco · 19/05/2022 07:24

Had the opposite, assumed not invited so sorted childcare and then casual as anything from the bride "will DD be coming the the wedding?"
Really wish it was clear as have so many children free weddings this year, would have been nice to take here to one.

Trafficjamlog · 19/05/2022 07:29

Invites usually have some line about it being child free

no they don’t. I would never assume children were invited to a wedding. It’s only ever nieces and nephews who go to weddings as children in my experience. But if children were invited I would expect it to have their name or “and family”

Noisyprat · 19/05/2022 07:35

It's not obvious and with something as important as this and the fact it is something people could get wrong it makes sense to make it crystal clear on the invite.

If I got that invite I would call to check, a pain for both parties.

Clymene · 19/05/2022 07:36

They should have put your names on the invitation. They stuffed up.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 19/05/2022 07:42

it renders it pretty challenging for us to attend at all without DC
why not hire a babysitter? Or nanny if your DC are very young or have SN.

AnImaginaryCat · 19/05/2022 07:46

Trafficjamlog · 19/05/2022 07:29

Invites usually have some line about it being child free

no they don’t. I would never assume children were invited to a wedding. It’s only ever nieces and nephews who go to weddings as children in my experience. But if children were invited I would expect it to have their name or “and family”

Yes, was about to say this. Unless you're going to a wedding that'll take place before the 90s, chances are it'll be guests are invited without their young children.

Most weddings are "child-free". Unless you are the bride and groom or a sibling of them.

Though MN does seem to staddle two totally worlds of weddings. So often you get replies that claim."I've never been to a wedding that..." or "Every wedding I've been to is..
" and are concluded by two opposing claims, all in the same thread.

Of the five weddings I've been to recently all had only immediate family's children. And then young children disappeared off (parents remained) for either the meal or just after the meal.

MontyMarsh · 19/05/2022 07:50

I'm another person who's kids weren't mentioned anywhere, but they actually were invited!
I think this thread proves there is no "standard" and you should ALWAYS ask if the invite is not clear!!

MontyMarsh · 19/05/2022 07:50

I'm another person who's kids weren't mentioned anywhere, but they actually were invited!
I think this thread proves there is no "standard" and you should ALWAYS ask if the invite is not clear!!

Original poster
AttackCat · 19/05/2022 07:52

Irrespective of how much I’d like adult conversation and a drink, we don’t have anyone who can look after our DC for the weekend. We could ask immediate family but they are at the wedding!

OP posts:
Okaaaay · 19/05/2022 07:56

I don’t think that sounds clear and you weren’t unreasonable to assume no children.

I don’t get why people don’t make it real explicit given the children / no children wedding debate. If no children then a note to say that, if it does include them then clearly written on the invite (or at least text and say looking forward to seeing DC too). Why leave any ambiguity? It’s fine to have a child free wedding or not. But causes so much awkwardness when it’s not clear or there are misunderstandings.

sammylady37 · 19/05/2022 07:57

I can’t understand the point of weddings without kids personally

Christ. Some people really do think the works revolves around kids.

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