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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A child-free wedding AIBU…

192 replies

AttackCat · 18/05/2022 20:24

If you’re inviting people to a child-free wedding, what’s an appropriate way to communicate that it’s child-free?

We’ve had a misunderstanding over a wedding invite. I thought DC were invited because we hadn’t been told they weren’t. The bride/groom assumed we knew DC weren’t invited because we hadn’t been told they were.

The invite we received said ‘Mr and Mrs AttackCat’ on the envelope, the invite itself didn’t have any names on it at all.

YABU - the invite was clear no DC were invited as their names weren’t on the envelope

YANBU - the invite wasn’t sufficiently clear that DC weren’t invited.

It’s all been ironed out in advance of the wedding (we asked for clarification) but bride/groom evidently thought the invitation was clear and I don’t think it was.

OP posts:
TowerRavenSeven · 18/05/2022 20:51

We got the same type of invitation, only our names. My MIL insisted ds was invited. We checked and were correct.

TowerRavenSeven · 18/05/2022 20:51

Sorry were correct he was not invited.

Original poster
AttackCat · 18/05/2022 20:52

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 18/05/2022 20:28

If very close family members, I would assume my kids were invited but would still double check / decide with the couple what portions the DCs ought to be present for. If just a friend’s wedding or a distant relative, I’d assume the DCs were not invited.

It’s close family, who really are our only babysitting option (and obviously they’ll be at the wedding!).

I’m a bit surprised that in general that they hadn’t spoken to us about it outside the context of the invite (as they must know it makes it very hard for us to attend), but doubly surprised that they thought how they had addressed the envelope counted as communication.

OP posts:
AllyCatTown · 18/05/2022 20:53

It might seem clear to them but the issue is that I’ve received invites with no mention of my child and when I checked they were invited. So if you’ve had that experience it’s hard to know. Invites should be clearer.

KirkyKerk · 18/05/2022 20:53

Yabu, invite addressed to you only. Not invited.

If they were invited it would have said, "… and family" or " To you, dh, josh and Ella"

I'd never assume dc were invited to a friends wedding. I might if it were an immediate family member but I'd always check.

toastofthetown · 18/05/2022 20:56

I’d assume that only those named were invited. I have seen invitations stating that the wedding is child free or that only close family’s children are invited, but I assume that’s so people don’t ask.

PuppyMonkey · 18/05/2022 20:58

I think they should have explained “no kids” properly.

btw I don’t understand the pp about names on envelopes and generic names on invites at all.Confused

Qwill · 18/05/2022 20:59

I wouldn’t have looked on the envelope either, but if it was generic inside, I’d probably just clarify with the bride or groom. I would always assume no children unless they were specifically invited. Same as if it was just addressed to me, I would only expect my husband to be invited if it was explicitly mentioned. We’ve had to do similar clarifications when it was addressed to one of us and wasn’t clear on the actual invite. Same when we had a very young baby and it said no children. We clarified and they said sorry but no babies either. Weren’t upset at all, it’s their day and they can do what they like!

USaYwHatNow · 18/05/2022 20:59

We made it completely clear on our invitations. No fanning around with poems and ambiguous words, literally just something along the lines of 'we have chosen to have a child free wedding so you have an excuse to party all night' etc etc. A lot of people I speak to assume that others are invited. For example, my 40year old cousin assumed her son (19) was invited. Although not a child, I explained that only 1st cousins were invited otherwise I'd have to add about 30 to the guest list and they'd just be bored out their brains. I don't think YABU. It needs to be clear.

Iloveacurry · 18/05/2022 21:00

If it’s close family, can’t you just ask them?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 18/05/2022 21:00

We've had several invitations with no mentions of the kids names where they were invited.

ouch321 · 18/05/2022 21:01

Well obviously not as they weren't mentioned.

A bit of a faux pas on your part.

Thank goodness you checked before turning up randomly with kids, would have been embarrassing.

CatDogMonkeyPOW · 18/05/2022 21:02

I had an invite recently that was addressed to DH and I only, no mention of the kids. Generic invite with no names inside the envelope.

Turns out the kids were invited. Clear as mud 🤣

Giraffesandbottoms · 18/05/2022 21:03

Usually people include a line on the invitation spelling out that children are not invited! Yes, etiquette is that only those on the envelope named are invited but the little line on the invitation itself avoids these situations!

HSKAT · 18/05/2022 21:04

No children's names then no invite

ChocolateHippo · 18/05/2022 21:06

I always check.

We have a child-free wedding coming up that's a long way away, starts at 11am and finishes at midnight. Grandparents aren't available to babysit. I was tempted to decline altogether and let DH go by himself but we've ended up agreeing to share a babysitter with another close friend in a similar situation for the ceremony and meal and take turns watching the DC in the evening. Could you do something similar?

catsnore · 18/05/2022 21:08

I've been invited to two child free weddings. First one made it explicit on the invitation and explained why (limited space at venue). Second one didn't mention it at all but only adults were named - I had to double check as it wasn't obviously stated on the invite.

It's a trend I find unpleasant tbh. Weddings are generally family occasions and by excluding children you exclude a lot of family as often the people you would ask to babysit are also attending the wedding.

Crazykatie · 18/05/2022 21:08

Always best to check , kids can be a pain at a wedding , an even bigger pain if they are being looked after by others.
At a recent wedding the children sat at a separate table with carers and an entertainer, that worked very well

saltedcaramelanything · 18/05/2022 21:10

I'd say that's very clear wording? It says who is invited. If kids were invited it would say they're names or "+ family"

Veol · 18/05/2022 21:12

It is obvious from the answers on this thread that it wasn’t clear enough! 😂

LoveSpringDaffs · 18/05/2022 21:12

IMO what's on an envelope just needs to be enough to get it through the correct door & opened.

the invitation should have names on it, so no - it was not clear.

Mamapep · 18/05/2022 21:13

I would understand if it didn’t say ‘& family’ or specific names. On the envelope or the invitation itself.
I get why it’s confusing though - I would have mentioned it in person to anyone with kids.

NamechangeFML · 18/05/2022 21:14

I just messaged and checked as it was
adressed to me n DH ,only
" hey , are the DC invited? Totally fine if they arent, but just so i know "
They were invited- so not always clear cut.

Honeyroar · 18/05/2022 21:15

I’d have understood that as just you and your husband invited, but it would probably have been better to clarify inside the envelope. Most child free weddings that I’ve been invited to have stated it’s child free somewhere in the words of the invite.

Awoooga · 18/05/2022 21:15

My fiancé and I did our invites exactly like this. Everyone who was invited was named on the envelopes, no names were on the invites as they were mass printed that way. On the RSVP section of thevinvite itself it said something along the lines of ‘please RSVP for each person named on the envelope’ - can’t remember exact wording as we’ve postponed so often!

If someone we invited to the whole day had kids, we invited the kids, so there was no chance this confusion could have happened.

I think if it’s unclear then you should ask, which it looks like you have, luckily in good time 😊