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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A child-free wedding AIBU…

192 replies

AttackCat · 18/05/2022 20:24

If you’re inviting people to a child-free wedding, what’s an appropriate way to communicate that it’s child-free?

We’ve had a misunderstanding over a wedding invite. I thought DC were invited because we hadn’t been told they weren’t. The bride/groom assumed we knew DC weren’t invited because we hadn’t been told they were.

The invite we received said ‘Mr and Mrs AttackCat’ on the envelope, the invite itself didn’t have any names on it at all.

YABU - the invite was clear no DC were invited as their names weren’t on the envelope

YANBU - the invite wasn’t sufficiently clear that DC weren’t invited.

It’s all been ironed out in advance of the wedding (we asked for clarification) but bride/groom evidently thought the invitation was clear and I don’t think it was.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 19/05/2022 10:18

I don't think that is necessarily clear because not everyone adheres to the who is on the envelope rule, so it would be more clear if it was explicitly stated (a) on the invitation who was invited and (b) that the invitation stated that it was an adults only wedding.

For example, we received an invite for dh's cousin's wedding a few years ago. It was just us on the envelope. The invitation stated it was a child-free wedding. Cousin got in touch separately to let us know that children in the family were in fact invited (it was a big wedding, so I guess it was just friends' children not invited?). On the day of the wedding itself, there were literally like 30 children all with their nannies (cousin's wife grew up in a country where it's the norm for everyone from her social class to have nannies/housekeepers). So actually what the invitation meant was 'no unminded non-family children invited'. I think they pretty much confused themselves!

An extreme example, but I would necessarily expect people to be very good at clearly communicating. I wouldn't assume my dc were invited in that situation, but I wouldn't assume they weren't either. I'd ask to clarify, because I couldn't be 100% sure if people were just being vague or unclear or hadn't thought through what they were trying to communicate.

rainbowmilk · 19/05/2022 14:09

Nobody in my family has children and the only ones in my friend group who have are friends from uni who live far away. Would my wedding be pointless if I didn't invite those children, some of whom I've met once or twice?

Honestly, some people are just bizarre in their crusade to make everything about their own kids.

FuzzySock · 19/05/2022 15:57

Yes we would have had quite a lot of people who had DC but not all necessarily under 18, some of those invites would have gone out to people who had adult dc still living at home with parents, etc.

DockOTheBay · 20/05/2022 14:53

As if people can afford unnecessary stuff like a children’s entertainer or bouncy castle in this day and age
Plenty of people seem to be able to afford unnecessary stuff such as sweet carts, photobooths, massive cakes, designer dresses and shoes, make up artists, special bridal dressing gowns etc. Depends on your definition of "unnecessary". It would probably cost about 1% of the average wedding cost, to add a bouncy castle and entertainer.

Weddings are not especially ‘family’ events suitable for kids - reason being that it’s about getting married and kids can’t get married Weddings used to be family events. About joining of two families together and a celebration of that. People used to consider what would be fun and suitable for their guests and their families, now its just "me me me" for the bride and groom. Which is a real shame.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 20/05/2022 16:40

I don't think they made it clear, i wouldn't expect the children's names to be on the envelope as it's for you and you DH to open. As the invite had no names on it i would say it was very unclear who was invited. If you have no child care because your family will all be there and you have noone else to ask then just tell them you can't make it as you have no child care. They really should make it 100% crystal clear so people don't have to presume whether the children are invited or not.

ChocolateHippo · 20/05/2022 17:59

As if people can afford unnecessary stuff like a children's entertainer or bouncy castle

I agree that this would be unusual, but we've been to quite a few weddings where there have been lawn games like giant jenga and connect 4 (enjoyed by both children and adults) or a separate indoor area with some toys and books. I don't think it's unusual (or has to be particularly expensive) to cater for children in some way at weddings, although of course it's entirely the couple's choice whether they choose to!!

Ironically, the best wedding for children we've ever been to was one for an old work friend of mine who professes to dislike children quite intensely! I asked her why she didn't have a child-free wedding and apparently, there were just too many close friends/ family with children. The room was a long L-shaped one with most parents at the end of the main part of the room and a snack table, indoor play equipment and toys set up for the children next to the parents, but around the corner where the bride and groom couldn't see them. Cartoons were put on at low volume during the speeches and there was really very little disruption from the children during the whole event. However, the whole wedding in that case was unusually well-organised.

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 20/05/2022 19:44

In later life I was a wedding registrar and married over a thousand couples.

You are not being unreasonable. They weren't either, but it's their invitation and they invited you. It was incumbent on them to make things clear and everybody comfortable about what was happening.

Communication and clarity are absolutely key on these occasions. Then everybody should have a lovely time. 😊💕

Kite22 · 20/05/2022 21:02

I’m a bit surprised that in general that they hadn’t spoken to us about it outside the context of the invite (as they must know it makes it very hard for us to attend), but doubly surprised that they thought how they had addressed the envelope counted as communication.

Not really sure why anyone would think a host of any event would need to then contact all the guests individually, to explain to them that the invitation is only for the people invited, and not for anyone else they might fancy bringing with them. Confused

I am amazed that there are actually almost 1/3 of people who have voted, that seem to think that an invitation is EVER for anybody other than the people it is addressed to Confused

ChocolateHippo · 20/05/2022 21:36

I am amazed that there are actually almost 1/3 of people who have voted, that seem to think that an invitation is EVER for anybody other than the people it is addressed to

But this invitation wasn't addressed to anyone in particular. Therein lies a large part of the problem.

Gensola · 20/05/2022 21:42

I invited a couple to our wedding and put Michelle and Peter on the actual invitation and they still messaged to ask if their 5 year old daughter was invited. Our wedding started at 6pm so I would have thought it was obvious that it isn’t child friendly. We ended up caving into their request to bring her which still rankles tbh.

Riverlee · 20/05/2022 21:47

Gensola · 20/05/2022 21:42

I invited a couple to our wedding and put Michelle and Peter on the actual invitation and they still messaged to ask if their 5 year old daughter was invited. Our wedding started at 6pm so I would have thought it was obvious that it isn’t child friendly. We ended up caving into their request to bring her which still rankles tbh.

In this case, surely the couple have taken the correct course of action. They were unsure whether the invite included everyone, so checked with the hosts, ie. The bride and groom first. By doing this, they weren’t necessarily wanting the child to be invited, but wanted to check the state of play first.

Gensola · 20/05/2022 21:50

@Riverlee I replied saying there are no other children coming as it’s an evening event mand they said we’d like to bring her. So I felt I couldn’t refuse. I wish I had tbh, I think it was really rude of them - if she was invited I would have written her name on the invitation.

Riverlee · 20/05/2022 21:53

@DockOTheBay

”Weddings used to be family events.”

I agree, when did it change? I’m sure when I got married (early nineties), having a child-free wedding was the exception, not the norm. If you invited the parents, the invite would assume to include the children, such as nieces, nephews etc.

Riverlee · 20/05/2022 21:56

Gensola · 20/05/2022 21:50

@Riverlee I replied saying there are no other children coming as it’s an evening event mand they said we’d like to bring her. So I felt I couldn’t refuse. I wish I had tbh, I think it was really rude of them - if she was invited I would have written her name on the invitation.

Thats different then. Okay to check whether the invite included her, but rude for them to invite her to your wedding, especially after you said it was child-free.

AllyCatTown · 20/05/2022 22:03

I am amazed that there are actually almost 1/3 of people who have voted, that seem to think that an invitation is EVER for anybody other than the people it is addressed to Confused
I’ve never received an invite to a wedding where the envelope it was sent in had the names of me, my partner and our kids on it regardless of whether the kids were invited or not. The actual invite should make it clear who is invited.
I’ve also received an invite where it was just my partner and me on it but I found out that the kids were invited.

CounsellorTroi · 20/05/2022 22:11

As if people can afford unnecessary stuff like a children’s entertainer or bouncy castle in this day and age
Plenty of people seem to be able to afford unnecessary stuff such as sweet carts, photobooths, massive cakes, designer dresses and shoes, make up artists, special bridal dressing gowns etc. Depends on your definition of "unnecessary". It would probably cost about 1% of the average wedding cost, to add a bouncy castle and entertainer.

A bouncy castle needs insurance plus someone supervising at all times. Plus appropriate weather conditions. Not much fun when it's raining, potentially dangerous if it's windy.

DockOTheBay · 20/05/2022 22:11

Riverlee · 20/05/2022 21:53

@DockOTheBay

”Weddings used to be family events.”

I agree, when did it change? I’m sure when I got married (early nineties), having a child-free wedding was the exception, not the norm. If you invited the parents, the invite would assume to include the children, such as nieces, nephews etc.

No idea when it changed. All the wedding I've been to in the past 10 years have been "no kids" (or close family kids only). I think generally weddings have become more showy and about having the perfect day in recent years, or maybe its due to rising costs?

There also seems to be a general attitude that kids, especially other peoples, are generally annoying, disruptive, rude and should be avoided at all costs. Which is quite sad really.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 20/05/2022 22:33

The last three wedding invitations I've received (2 via the post and one handed to me) only had my name on the envelope so I don't think I'd ever go by the envelope.

Kite22 · 20/05/2022 22:48

”Weddings used to be family events.”

When ?
I never went to a wedding until I was an adult.
As far as I am concerned, wedding were things adults went to.

I agree, when did it change? I’m sure when I got married (early nineties), having a child-free wedding was the exception, not the norm. If you invited the parents, the invite would assume to include the children, such as nieces, nephews etc

I got married early 90s. The years I went to most weddings would have been mid 80s to mid 90s. Overwhelmingly there were no children at any of those weddings. Very occasionally an individual niece or nephew. Certainly not the norm to have several dc at any wedding I went to.

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2022 22:56

AttackCat · 18/05/2022 20:52

It’s close family, who really are our only babysitting option (and obviously they’ll be at the wedding!).

I’m a bit surprised that in general that they hadn’t spoken to us about it outside the context of the invite (as they must know it makes it very hard for us to attend), but doubly surprised that they thought how they had addressed the envelope counted as communication.

Show quote history

Well, it's perfectly normal etiquette.

So they're right and you're wrong.

If someone isn't named on an invitation then they're not invited

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2022 22:59

And people can flame me all they like but I loathe the fact that 'invitation' has been replaced by 'invite'

To me, 'invite' is a verb. 'Invitation' is the noun

cherry2727 · 20/05/2022 23:08

Sometimes I do think people on here live on a different planet! I have never received a wedding invite which is addressed to every single invited guest within the family! I would assume that kids are allowed unless the invite says differently!
Nevertheless, where I'm originally from , kids are always invited to weddings as it's deemed as a family affair so I do find it odd here in the UK when kids are not invited but that's bother AIBU!!

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2022 23:13

Riverlee · 20/05/2022 21:53

@DockOTheBay

”Weddings used to be family events.”

I agree, when did it change? I’m sure when I got married (early nineties), having a child-free wedding was the exception, not the norm. If you invited the parents, the invite would assume to include the children, such as nieces, nephews etc.

Back in the day (pre mid-seventies) weddings did tend to be family events.

But the envelope would be addressed to Mr. Mrs Whoever and the invitation would state Mr. Mrs Whoever, Master and Miss Whoever.
If they weren't named they weren't invited.

CounsellorTroi · 21/05/2022 07:03

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2022 23:13

Back in the day (pre mid-seventies) weddings did tend to be family events.

But the envelope would be addressed to Mr. Mrs Whoever and the invitation would state Mr. Mrs Whoever, Master and Miss Whoever.
If they weren't named they weren't invited.

Show quote history

Back in the day weddings were much shorter events. Church service, reception, then couple would depart on their honeymoon. Now they are an all day event with evening reception until midnight. Far too long a day for small children really.

I grew up on the 60s/70s. I ever attended one wedding with my parents, an older cousin. There were others my parents attended to which we were not invited.

CorneliaMarie · 21/05/2022 07:15

A recent invitation was very explicit it was child-free (family member and I know not due to cost or space). That’s totally their choice but in this case meant several people couldn’t come so it was almost like a non-invite they felt obliged to send. It’s be almost 2 days plus overnight childcare to arrange due to travel time.

replied v politely stating can’t get childcare. Received a reply a few weeks before the wedding saying ‘we’ve thought about it and DC can come’.

No thanks. If you didn’t want (related) children at the wedding in the first place but have now realised how many declined as well as us I’m not now going to make up numbers for your Insta day spending £££££ in the process.