A child-free wedding AIBU…

[AttackCat]

If you’re inviting people to a child-free wedding, what’s an appropriate way to communicate that it’s child-free?

We’ve had a misunderstanding over a wedding invite. I thought DC were invited because we hadn’t been told they weren’t. The bride/groom assumed we knew DC weren’t invited because we hadn’t been told they were.

The invite we received said ‘Mr and Mrs AttackCat’ on the envelope, the invite itself didn’t have any names on it at all.

YABU - the invite was clear no DC were invited as their names weren’t on the envelope

YANBU - the invite wasn’t sufficiently clear that DC weren’t invited.

It’s all been ironed out in advance of the wedding (we asked for clarification) but bride/groom evidently thought the invitation was clear and I don’t think it was.

No name no invite. Seems obvious to me.

If you are close enough to be invited to a wedding surely close enough to call and ask?
We had a child free wedding and said on the invite 'we are sorry but space restrictions precludes us from including children'. Which my bro in law sent back with the 's' crossed out (nothing like being pedantic about grammar) 🙄

I’ve never received a wedding invite that was pre-printed without the invitees handwritten in/on it. I wasn’t aware envelope etiquette was ‘a thing’ - I’m with the PP who thought what is on the envelope is about what’s sufficient to get it to the correct address, not an integral part of the invite.

I agree with others that only the named people are invited.

We got an invite during the week that did have a line "due to space restrictions, we are unable to accommodate children." that I thought was an unnecessary addition when I read it - but perhaps it not!

This is what I thought. They're badly thought out invitations.

I feel like I've said this many times today: This is why communication is so important.

I have also received two invitations this year just like this! It's simple yet quite annoying to have to check. Just make it obvious in the first place!

I can't understand why anyone would either want other people's children at their wedding or want to take their own. It's boring for them, people have to leave early and they're disruptive. We've done two with ours and they were considerably less enjoyable for us and kids than getting a babysitter.

OP, I'm with you. If I had received your invite, I would have had to double check as I couldn't have been sure.

When our DS was invited, his name was on the invite. Not on the envelope.

When our DC wasn't invited, his name wasn't on the invite and our friends included a slip saying that only children of close family are invited but they were hoping that everyone was looking forward to the free bar and letting their hairs down without the kids.

I can't remember how the invitations were written but we included a little card with kids menu options for anyone with children so that was at the very least a major clue...
Why are people assuming kids are invited or not invited, coming or not coming, eating or not eating without any actual communication about it?? Weddings and babysitters are expensive enough without unnecessary pissing about.

I was all set to vote YABU, but actually you're not. I think names on the envelope and not on the invite is confusing. We wrote names on the invites, including names of childrens names if there were invited. I think I only put 1 persons name on the envelope.

Correct etiquette (yes, I am very old fashioned and learned this sort of thing at secretarial college over 40 years ago ) is that individual names should be handwritten on the actual invitation to avoid any ambiguity.

I think it's fairly well communicated if they aren't named. Not named = not invited.
Only having them on the envelope is a little weird but I'd say 99% of the time people don't throw out the envelope until after the invite has been read so hopefully be fine.
I know some of my (stuck up) aunts and uncles would do some eyerolling and discussions behind my back if they read "child free wedding" written on the invite.

We stayed on our save the dates that we were having a child free wedding. We were making exceptions for couple of my bridesmaids ( no immediate family with children) but they decided not to bring them so just our ds. We made sure it was very clear though.

I'd have chucked the envelope and not noticed who exactly it was addressed to. Then seen no names on the actual invitation and had to ask for clarification. I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Obviously it’s the bride/groom’s prerogative not to invite children but in the circumstances it wasn’t absurd for us to expect our DC would probably be invited - immediate family, informal reception (think BBQ in a field, not a sit down meal).

Because it renders it pretty challenging for us to attend at all without DC we thought we’d have been told directly that DC weren’t invited (as it’s immediate family we speak to regularly).

so it’s just created a bit of friction as we’re now “oh…okay, maybe we can’t come” and they’re “but it was obvious DC weren’t invited because we didn’t put their names on the envelope”.

I wouldn’t have noticed what was on the envelope and would have thrown it away without a second glance. The invite should have been clearer, or the bride and groom communicated this to you beforehand.

Actually, even if I had seen just ‘Mr and Mrs’ on the envelope, I wouldn’t have assumed it was child free.

I'd just apologise and say, 'Sorry, maybe we were being a bit slow but it wasn't obvious to us.'

And whether obvious or not, you still have a childcare problem. Whose family is it? Yours or your DH's? The easiest thing might be for one of you to go and one stay home.

I voted YANBU because you were right to check with the B&G. Though I wouldn't make any assumption either way, having had invitations with all of us on, invitations with just mine and DH on which meant DDs also and invitations that really did just mean DH and I.

If your wedding is child-free though I think you should make that clear in the information insert to go with the invitations.

Also if it's immediate family you speak to regularly, and a family wedding, they should have really called you or spoken to you before they even sent the invitations as clearly it will provide you with childcare issues, as unless you have someone on hand to provide childcare for 12 hours, or more if it's further away, at least one of you would be missing the wedding.

The B&G sound rather thoughtless to me.

If the letter is adressed to you and dh
Why are you being so presumptuous,assuming that its for your kids too.
My god.
It would have said family. Or plus 2 if your kids were invited.
Why on earth do you wanna bring your kids anyway. Yabu. Very u

I presume they want to bring their kids because they'd like to go to this family wedding (and are potentially expected to do so by the bride and groom) but would prefer not to be arrested for child neglect for leaving their children unattended.

If kids are invited then either their names are specified or they are included by putting ‘and family’. If neither of these aspects are included they are not invited. Very clear. I believe the only confusion would be a non-mobile baby.

They’re unreasonable. Most weddings are not child free so it’s a totally reasonable assumption to think that unless specified it won’t be a childless wedding.

Who doesn’t want children at weddings anyway? No flower girls taking part, all the kids make it cute and are so happy!

The envelope is the thing the invitation comes in, not the invitation. Names should be on the actual invitation. In your position I’d have been unsure as well.

The envelope is for the postal service to direct to the right address. The contents need to specify names. All wedding invitations should be ritually burned at dawn to ward off bats.