To insist my daughter goes to uni?

[Stropalotopus83]

I'll try to keep this brief!! DD (18) was supposed to go to uni last September. She had applied to various unis and had offers from most but had her heart set on Edinburgh. At the last minute she panicked and set Warwick as her safety as it had a lower grade threshold despite it not being in her top three choices. Sadly she didn't get into Edinburgh and then couldn't get into any of her other choices through clearing due to oversubscription on her course (biochemistry) despite having the grades (A*, A A). We went to visit Warwick but she ultimately decided to take a year off, get a job, earn some money and save and try again this year.

We visited Leeds and Manchester and she loved both, we didn't visit Edinburgh as so far away. She received unconditional offers from Leeds and Manchester. Again, despite meeting the grade threshold she didn't get into Edinburgh which is sad but not really the end of the world (at least I don't think it is). So she needed to decide between Leeds and Manchester.

Last night she casually mentioned she doesn't think she is going to go at all. I was dumbfounded as she has always been set on uni and has known she wanted to do science in some form since yr8. Initially she was considering medicine but for the last few years has been set on biochemistry.

Anyway. I asked her what she was going to do if she didn't go, she said she has a job. She does have a job she's working full time as a receptionist at a hotel at the moment. I said that job wasn't enough for her to afford to get her own place and keep a roof over her head etc. she laughed and said well you aren't going to throw me out, I'll just keep living here.

I'm worried she is going to massively regret this.

She currently pays £100 rent per month but earns around £1300. I deliberately only asked her to pay a token rent on the basis that she was saving as much as possible for uni.

So do I know sit her down and say ok - you don't have to go to uni but if you intend to stay here you need to pay a realistic rent being a quarter of all bills and shopping (4 people in household). This would dramatically increase her rent but might make her realise that just because life is great now (that she works and has a large disposable income and I do all washing etc for her) it won't stay that way?

I don't know what to do. I didn't go to uni and I have always regretted it. I am now doing a degree through the open uni alongside working full time but still wish I had gone when I had the chance. I don't know therefore if my own feelings about missing out etc are in play here and I'm perhaps not being as objective as I should be.

Any advice?

Thanks

[Coldnoseandtoes]

It's her choice. Even if you're sure she'll regret it, she has to make the decision for herself. I would be clear though that as she's now working, she needs to contribute more than a token amount. I'm not sure I'd ask for a quarter of the bills, but that's just my gut reaction, I'd be interested to see what other people think.

[FooFighter99]

I think it's only fair that if she isn't going to Uni then she contributes equally to the household

That will be a rude awakening for her and she'll either step up and contribute or change her mind and go to Uni

Either way, she needs to realise that being an adult and paying bills is not optional

[123becauseicouldntthinkofone]

It is such a difficult one as you are damned if you do and damned if you dont. i think you need to sit down and find out why she has changed her mind as there may be more to the decision such as being too far from home. If it is a genuine reason then unfortunately you will just have to explain how you feel now studying down the line and regret it but you cannot force her as she will fail at whatever she takes as the interest is not there (from a person who was forced trust me).

If she does decide to stay at home and has a full time job like me and most of my friends our parents took either 1/4 or in my case 1/3 of wages to cover. I would recommend putting some of this to one side (without telling her) to help her back out down the line when it is needed for either car or property.

Good luck

[bridgetreilly]

Honestly, YABU. University is so expensive that unless she really wants or needs to do it now, she’s sensible to keep on working. It doesn’t mean that she’ll never go, but when she does she’ll know more about what she wants to do and why she’s doing it.

[wtfisgoingonhere21]

Have adult dc and slightly younger than yours op so this is how we did it.

We sat dd down and explained that we would support her through education unincollege etc but she would need a part time job or holiday job to pay for the usual however if they decided not to go into further education that also was never an issue however they were to support themselves as another adult earning within the household.

This meant doing their fair share of tidying cleaning cooking laundry and financially paying into the house.

On dc we supported thru college and apprenticeship and she earns well in a good job so it's not the end of the world to not go to uni.

The other is still undecided in her plans however she knows how it will work within the home in both situations so she can make that decision based on everything.

I never went to uni but I do see a massive shortage in skilled adults coming up now so there is a lot of career options available.

They have to ponder over and make their own decisions now but with your support and don't be openly dissapointed if she chooses to work route op.

Your life is gone your way and hers needs to go the way she wants rather than the way you would have wanted yours.

[Butchyrestingface]

Agree with above.

I think she's sensible not to go (at the moment) if her heart isn't in it. Perhaps if she works for a few years, it'll concentrate her mind on what she really wants to do - biochemistry or something else, at Edinburgh or somewhere else.

But agree she needs to start making more than a token contribution to household expenses if she's a full-time worker now.

[GrendelsGrandma]

Blimey she must be raking it in with £1,200 disposable income a month, no wonder she doesn't want to swap for student pot noodles!

A degree is a big undertaking and she needs to be committed to see it through. Don't continue to subsidise her though. You'd be better off making her pay rent then setting that aside to help with uni costs if she decides to go.

[breatheintheamazing]

Yes if she stays then she needs to pay an equal share of the bills

[MaChienEstUnDick]

I absolutely would do what you suggest. Of course you can't 'make' a young person go to uni and not going to uni is a perfectly valid decision in its own right, but it has consequences - and those consequences include entering the adult world rather than the hybrid student world, which means paying your rent. It really is as simple as that.

I mean, obvs, keep it calm and 'ok love, since you're not going to uni after all we need to have a think about how we make the house work, here's what I suggest' rather than making not paying rent a bribe, but yeah, why wouldn't you?

[HairyBum]

She seems sensible, it would be silly to get into debt and plow through when her hearts not in it and she needs a break from education. It’s been a rubbish and limiting few years for young people due to covid.

She might prefer a degree apprenticeship. She can get qualifications on the job

uk.indeed.com/m/jobs?q=Science+Apprenticeship

[RhodaDendron]

Just keep the conversation going. I can understand not wanting to go to Leeds or Manchester if her heart was set on Edinburgh. Is it too late to apply elsewhere? Would she consider another subject? I apply for another year? I would feel the same as you. She’s probably feeling a bit flat and uninspired at not getting her first choice.

[SamphirethePogoingStickerist]

OK. Take her at her word and have the full adulting conversation about paying her way.

% Rent
% Bills
% Food
And 100% of anything that is hers, like phone, internet, TV subscriptions etc etc

You stop buying her clothes, toiletries, doing her washing, etc. She is a grown up and has decided that she has finished her schooling.

She also has to understand that whilst you may not throw her out she now has to contribute to her upkeep, penny for penny. That's what adults do.

But first I would ask her what has changed her mind. What is behind this?

[Onlywomengivebirth]

This won’t go down well on mumsnet but I’d be telling my daughter (or son) that they are going to university. End of discussion. I get the desire to take a year and travel or work, but that year is over and it’s time for university.

[MaChienEstUnDick]

She's dodged a bullet not getting into Edinburgh by the way. They are stacking students (especially foreign students) to the rafters, the city is in a mess and accommodation is all ££££.

[pigsDOfly]

I'd also want to know how long she envisions continuing to live with you.

And yes, if she is planning on staying with you and not going to uni she needs to understand that paying a realistic rent and also paying towards food and utilities is going to be a hell of a lot more than £100 a month so she needs to up her monthly payments considerably.

[girlmom21]

I don't think you can force her to go but you're well within your rights to insist she contributes to the household in the same way the other working adults do.

That's housework as well as money.

[HairyBum]

Also uk.indeed.com/m/jobs?q=Chemistry+Degree+Apprenticeships&mna=5&aceid=&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIm6vOmpLp9wIV0t_tCh2o3guUEAAYAiAAEgKU9fD_BwE

[yellowsuninthesky]

Ultimately it's her life, so she makes the decision about uni or work.

However, she absolutely has to pay her way. I am not sure though if it is fair that she pays 1/4 of the bills. I think you should work out how much each person in the household earns and base it on a percentage of each income. But of course how you work it out is up to your household. Main thing is a fair contribution.

And yes I would say you'll throw her out if she doesn't contribute fairly!

[HogwartsForever11]

Agree with PP that she does need to make the decision but you can help inform her it the cost involved with being a working adult.
increasing her share of household bills and contributions through chores is fair

whilst she’s happy at home for now, what about longer term? Does she know how mortgage/rent/bills are in your area, and how does this look against her current salary? Are there opportunities for progression or will she earn the same in 20 years, and is she happy with that?

[Honeyroar]

It’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t go - she still could in the future. But I’d definitely make her pay more rent and live like an adult while she’s here.

[fairlygoodmother]

She can make that choice if she wants but she definitely needs to understand the implications. I’d tell her that up to now, you’ve been happy to support her on the basis that she was still in education. If she’s not in education she needs to support herself including paying a more substantial rent, buying own clothes, paying own phone bill, travel, transport etc. Set out the costs for her. But also make sure she knows that you are there to support her emotionally. These past couple of years have been tough for young people.

You can also be honest about your regrets and say that you’re worried she is limiting her future opportunities.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

@Onlywomengivebirth

This won’t go down well on mumsnet but I’d be telling my daughter (or son) that they are going to university. End of discussion. I get the desire to take a year and travel or work, but that year is over and it’s time for university.

How do you enforce that with an adult (which is what she is)? You might be able to get her to start but you can't stop her from dropping out in whih case all money invested so far would be wasted. I say this as someone who dropped out and dropped back in in the 1970s when at least it was free.

There is no point in going to University if your heart is not in it. She can always go later have experienced a bit of life and finding out she can do better.

[sashh]

You can go to uni at any age.

I still resent my parents forcing me to go the VI form my mother chose, they could force me to attend, but not to study.

Yes she needs to contribute to the household, I don't think 25% of bills is entirely fair, if she had her own place she could chose to turn the heating down, live on pot noodles and make other choices.

[SpaceMaaaaan]

Yes its her choice. But I agree she has to start paying her way either way tbh.

[dollymuchymuchness]

Her choice but increase her rent and don’t do any chores for her. Give her a deadline to move out. Adult children shouldn’t be permitted to take the piss out of their parents.