To insist my daughter goes to uni?

[Stropalotopus83]

I'll try to keep this brief!! DD (18) was supposed to go to uni last September. She had applied to various unis and had offers from most but had her heart set on Edinburgh. At the last minute she panicked and set Warwick as her safety as it had a lower grade threshold despite it not being in her top three choices. Sadly she didn't get into Edinburgh and then couldn't get into any of her other choices through clearing due to oversubscription on her course (biochemistry) despite having the grades (A*, A A). We went to visit Warwick but she ultimately decided to take a year off, get a job, earn some money and save and try again this year.

We visited Leeds and Manchester and she loved both, we didn't visit Edinburgh as so far away. She received unconditional offers from Leeds and Manchester. Again, despite meeting the grade threshold she didn't get into Edinburgh which is sad but not really the end of the world (at least I don't think it is). So she needed to decide between Leeds and Manchester.

Last night she casually mentioned she doesn't think she is going to go at all. I was dumbfounded as she has always been set on uni and has known she wanted to do science in some form since yr8. Initially she was considering medicine but for the last few years has been set on biochemistry.

Anyway. I asked her what she was going to do if she didn't go, she said she has a job. She does have a job she's working full time as a receptionist at a hotel at the moment. I said that job wasn't enough for her to afford to get her own place and keep a roof over her head etc. she laughed and said well you aren't going to throw me out, I'll just keep living here.

I'm worried she is going to massively regret this.

She currently pays £100 rent per month but earns around £1300. I deliberately only asked her to pay a token rent on the basis that she was saving as much as possible for uni.

So do I know sit her down and say ok - you don't have to go to uni but if you intend to stay here you need to pay a realistic rent being a quarter of all bills and shopping (4 people in household). This would dramatically increase her rent but might make her realise that just because life is great now (that she works and has a large disposable income and I do all washing etc for her) it won't stay that way?

I don't know what to do. I didn't go to uni and I have always regretted it. I am now doing a degree through the open uni alongside working full time but still wish I had gone when I had the chance. I don't know therefore if my own feelings about missing out etc are in play here and I'm perhaps not being as objective as I should be.

Any advice?

Thanks

Wow. Thank you all for your responses - they are really helpful.

I do completely understand that she is an adult now and this is 100% her choice, I guess I'm a just a little she'll shocked as it seems to have come out of nowhere.

I'm also trying to toe the line of being supportive and recognising it's her decision as well as feeling that as her parent it's my responsibility to try to guide her (obviously less so now than when she was younger) into making the best decisions. She's my firstborn so I'm still learning too!!

I agree with all comments that she should definitely be paying more to the household if she doesn't go, I'm not sure how I'll work that out exactly but will definitely be more than the token rent she is paying now. I like the idea of percentages based on income so it's fair and then saving a chunk of that (unbeknownst to her) to give back in the future when she needs it for a deposit etc.

Thank also to those who mentioned apprenticeships etc - this is a fab idea that I hadn't even thought of and will discuss with her.

Re the question about a boyfriend, she does have one but he is in uni, he started last September when she was originally going to go. So I don't think it's that that is causing an issue here.

I will also try and get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go in case that something that can be remedied.

Thank you.

Do you think she's changed her mind about the course and where it leads?

Would she be better with an allied health profession like OT?

I don't think you can force her but you should sit down with her and go through figures for the longer term. How much will she earn now, how much will it cost her to rent or buy, what about when she has a partner etc etc.

I wonder if it's more about the choices she has in front of her not being right and you need to start looking again with a view to clearing?

As someone who went to uni straight from college and then changed my mind about my career path in my late 20s, don't force her to go. She has all the time in the world to go to uni and getting funding for a second degree if she regrets her subject choice further down the line is almost impossible. If you want to ask her to contribute to the household, fine, but not just as a way of forcing her to go when she's telling you she isn't ready.

Completely valid choice for a young person not to go to University, however, if this was my childand maybe my opinion is going to be massively unpopularI would be asking them to move out and set up their household separately, now they have chosen to finish their schooling. She is over 18, has a full time role, and is perfectly capable of living by herself. The reason for this is that even if she agrees to pay 1/4th of the bills, it doesn't reflect the reality of having your own home and you'll probably still be doing her cooking / laundry etc.

Also, she needs to fully understand what it is like to be independent on a relatively modest wage, with all the risks of losing your job, being asked to move out of rental home etc, not being able to save much after all the costs and reflect how this might compare to a professional role in a competitive scientific field she is good at.

You can’t force her to go; it just won’t work. I think getting her to pay a fair proportion of her income might make her think twice though and drip feed with how will she afford to live independently in the future

Just to add this was what my parents did and I soon thought hmm I don’t want to be in this job in 5 years time still earning the same

It's pointless forcing someone to go to university if they don't want to. They have plenty of time to decide what they want to do with their lives.

The only conditions I impose on mine (for supporting them) are that they must be in education or work, no slobbing at home doing nothing.

When they are both home in September and will both have jobs my proposal is that they pay a quarter of the utility bills and once a month they do a proper weekly shop.

They already look after themselves in terms of cooking/cleaning etc.

It won't go down well on mumsnet because it wouldn't go down well anywhere.

She's an adult at 18. How exactly do you suggest OP makes her go to university?

She's not 5 you can't pick an 18 year old up and take her into university and hand her over to the 'teacher'.

As an adult she has to make those decisions for herself.

She could do a degree and still end up as a hotel receptionist. A degree qualification doesn't guarantee a highly paid job.

If she stays at home then she should contribute a fair amount though, and help with the running of the house.

Why not suggest she does a course in hotel management, if she enjoys working in a hotel? Then she could work her way up to a better position.

You cannot force an adult to go to university

If she doesn't go make sure that she does her own laundry and other housework like you'd expect an adult to do.

My gap year dd does a wash once a week ish (I do bedding and towels) which is a good routine anyway.

I was in a similar boat and coincidentally it also involved wanting to go to Edinburgh !

This was 30y ago however.

Is there a compromise to be found - is there a uni she can attend while living at home, moving her hotel shifts to part time and continuing to pay the lower rent ?

That way she gets the education, the expense isn’t ridiculous, she continues to earn a bit and if there are other concerns regarding moving away they can be kicked down the road for the time being ?

That’s pretty much what I ended up doing.

it is ultimately her decision, but you need to cut her off financially. If she isn’t going to continue her education, she needs to be fully self supporting. Offer to help her make a budget. She needs to pay real rent, utilities, buy her own food, toiletries, laundry, cell phone, transportation, all of it. She needs to experience what the rest of her life is going to be like. She has spent the last year playing at being an adult because she hasn’t been paying real bills and doesn’t understand that her money isn’t going to go very far at all in the real world.

YABU to ‘insist’ that she go to uni.
YANBU to make life as realistic for her as possible. Pay for all her own stuff, market rate rent. None of this faffing about with ‘discovering themselves’ or anything. Of course you should speak to here and find out the real reason for change of mind. All the rejections could have demotivated her

FWIW I have a degree from a prestigious university. There are so many ways to get into higher education. Degree apprenticeships, part-time degrees. And with degrees costing a lot of money, it’s not always the best option.

Certain career paths will be much harder for your daughter if she chooses to go to uni much later. Such as academia. However getting a ‘good job’ shouldn’t be an issue. As long as she doesn’t do anything to make her life more difficult, like getting pregnant.

Admittedly, it was the 90s, but my uni lecturer dad told me not to go to uni unless I really really wanted to. I didn’t.

i had moved out during 6th form (17) and worked evenings/weekends whilst studying my a levels. Even paying rent and bills (house share) I saved enough money for a house deposit and bought when I was 19. Did professional qualifications in my 20s and 30s and now in mid-40s very nearly mortgage free. Part way through the uni degree I never did whilst working in a senior role with lots of people who are around 50 and not in such fortunate conditions.

I should have travelled more, but I’ve never regretted not going to uni.

1. University isn't everything.
2. Your life was your life , hers is hers. She cannot put right the mistakes you think you made.
3. My brothers both got jobs and then went to uni aged 24. They made a much better job of it and got far more out of it by being more mature.
4. I did a degree because I was a people pleaser and it made my parents happy. I should have done something more practical. I had absolutely had enough of essays and exams but I went off and studied for 4 more years because I felt I had to. Then I worked as a teacher because they had paid so much for me to get the qualification I felt I had to.
5. Sit her down and explain the new terms and conditions. Increase her rent, set out her share of jobs. Stop doing her washing/ ironing. Create a cooking rota and add her to it for 2 cooked meals a week. She shops, she cooks, you clear up. She clears up when you cook.Add your husband to the rota too.

You are pushing your regret onto your daughter, she is an adult and responsible for making her own decisions.

She has a disposable income of £1200 a month, she is paying £100 for her keep. If she has somehow got it into her head that working in a relatively unskilled job nets you such a comfortable sum of spending money then she needs to be quickly taught that her expectations are unrealistic. Yes, she has money in her pocket but only because she is in effect taking it out of her parents pockets by not paying her way.

Yes you can go to university at any age, but it is a lot more fun, and a lot easier to do it when you are young. In three years time her friends will be polishing their shiny degrees and looking to start building their careers she will always be three years behind them.

YABU - her choice. She's taking on a huge financial and personal commitment - she has to think it is right - I applaud her having the independence of mind to not go if she is not sure. Obviously you want her to make the best decisions - the best thing you can do IMHO is support her decision - she's done very well to get excellent grades -I think it's hard to put in all the effort to work towards getting those grades AND work out what you want to do in life. Why on earth do microbiology with A*AA? My wife just retired from working in micro - if the plan it work in an NHS lab - firstly she'd need an approved course that would count for working in a path lab - not all are. Path labs are gradually de-skilling through automation and ever increasing pressures to outsource to private labs (mainly American owned) - that rely heavily on huge investments in automation. Why not consider medicine? A year of relevant work experience would help a lot. She should aim high. What is she uncertain about? I'd only pursue on a degree if I had a clear career goal in mind and it was necessary - too many of my students (12 years a private tutor - a-level chem/maths/stats/biol/physics) really haven't spent enough time thinking through and researching their decision - they just want to go at the same time as all their friends/peers go.

There are so many more ways to make it in life than University. A huge amount of time is wasted. A huge amount of money is spent, often for very little in terms of teaching, tutor time and quality of experience. My friends daughter is an accountant. She didn't go to university. She trained whilst working. 3 days in the office, 2 days of study. She was awarded the same professional qualifications but is earning more and is far ahead, in terms of experience, than others who have been to university. She earns more too. My fired was horrified that her daughter wasn't going to uni. She now recognises that it was a brilliant decision.

It’s her choice. And it’s not now or never. I started my degree two months after my 30th birthday. She’s got the entry qualifications, she can change her mind at any point. With the cost of doing a degree and the dilution of their value, I honestly don’t blame her.

Viques - that's exactly what I was going to say. I have friends who still 'support their children and still do their washing and ironing whilst at the same time charging them a very token rent.

It doesnt teach them anything much at all bar the fact they have a HUGE amount of income that they can spend on themselves! No worrying about landlords, fixing a broken washing machine, buying and cooking food, ensuring that they have clean clothes every day. What is not to like and long may it continue....

Or a qualification in event management. My sons friend did this at Liverpool. She organises events for the Welsh parliament and for the Millenium Hall and St David's Hall in Cardiff.No 2 events are ever the same and she absolutely loves it. Very challenging managing huge expectations and huge budgets.She works with celebrities to plan their events. She has fantastic patience and fantastic people skills.....and brilliant stories to tell ( no names of course).

I went to uni, and for me, it was a waste of time and money. I have a good career now, but it's nothing to do with what I studied.

So no, I would not being trying to force your DD to go to uni. But I would definitely be making her contribute properly to the household. That would mean an equal share of bills, food, rent contribution, and an equal share of the chores. (I would then put aside the money and save it up, ready for a deposit for a house, or similar)

I would look at rents for house sharing in your area and set her rent at that, plus a quarter of the bills, including food. Or perhaps she'd like to buy her own food?

Also to add she absolutely needs to be certain she's not going - if she doesn't accept the offers in the next 2-3 weeks they will automatically withdraw her. Maybe suggest she accepts one just to have the option come September?