To insist my daughter goes to uni?

[Stropalotopus83]

I'll try to keep this brief!! DD (18) was supposed to go to uni last September. She had applied to various unis and had offers from most but had her heart set on Edinburgh. At the last minute she panicked and set Warwick as her safety as it had a lower grade threshold despite it not being in her top three choices. Sadly she didn't get into Edinburgh and then couldn't get into any of her other choices through clearing due to oversubscription on her course (biochemistry) despite having the grades (A*, A A). We went to visit Warwick but she ultimately decided to take a year off, get a job, earn some money and save and try again this year.

We visited Leeds and Manchester and she loved both, we didn't visit Edinburgh as so far away. She received unconditional offers from Leeds and Manchester. Again, despite meeting the grade threshold she didn't get into Edinburgh which is sad but not really the end of the world (at least I don't think it is). So she needed to decide between Leeds and Manchester.

Last night she casually mentioned she doesn't think she is going to go at all. I was dumbfounded as she has always been set on uni and has known she wanted to do science in some form since yr8. Initially she was considering medicine but for the last few years has been set on biochemistry.

Anyway. I asked her what she was going to do if she didn't go, she said she has a job. She does have a job she's working full time as a receptionist at a hotel at the moment. I said that job wasn't enough for her to afford to get her own place and keep a roof over her head etc. she laughed and said well you aren't going to throw me out, I'll just keep living here.

I'm worried she is going to massively regret this.

She currently pays £100 rent per month but earns around £1300. I deliberately only asked her to pay a token rent on the basis that she was saving as much as possible for uni.

So do I know sit her down and say ok - you don't have to go to uni but if you intend to stay here you need to pay a realistic rent being a quarter of all bills and shopping (4 people in household). This would dramatically increase her rent but might make her realise that just because life is great now (that she works and has a large disposable income and I do all washing etc for her) it won't stay that way?

I don't know what to do. I didn't go to uni and I have always regretted it. I am now doing a degree through the open uni alongside working full time but still wish I had gone when I had the chance. I don't know therefore if my own feelings about missing out etc are in play here and I'm perhaps not being as objective as I should be.

Any advice?

Thanks

A degree, especially one away from home is a giant expense to take on especially if her heart isn’t in it.

however at 18 I got a job in a factory and didn’t want to return to uni for my second year. I never told my parents and just went back as I wanted to see my friends. With the benefit of hindsight and as an adult who now owns and runs a home I would have been bonkers to stop uni to go to a minimum wage job.

I think your daughter needs a reality check.

As others have said it’s time to sit down and discuss the options which I see as below

1. go to uni as planned and hope she enjoys it but a large debt will be incurred
2. stay as the hotel receptionist but your supporting her ends. An absoutle minimum contribution of £500pcm (ideally should be £6/700) as she wouldn’t rent anywhere independently plus bill for less and what she has to realise is the money she is on now won’t increase much with no additional skills. She has to pay for cars/driving lessons, holidays, clothes etc from the balance. She will soon realise that isn’t that easy.
3. discuss apprenticeships. Either degree apprenticeships or Level 3 in an area of work she enjoys, and that could be the sciences she has excelled in. Look on the National Apprenticeship service website for ideas. Then she can get paid a (in a lot of cases very good) wage and up skill with someone else paying her fees

It's her choice, but if she isn't going to uni she doesn't need to save for uni and therefore should have a significant increase in what she contributes to the household. No you aren't going to throw her out but she should be paying far more than she is

I don't think it would be right to insist she goes but you do need to have a conversation about realistic expectations of staying at home (ie paying her way) and also about future plans and prospects of being employed.
My DD had a wobble about going to Uni last year after a year out, I think she got comfortable earning a bit of money and being able to go out with her friends etc (Covid allowing!), my DD is one to dig her heels in so I said that it was absolutely fine to not go to Uni but I expected her to find an alternative with future prospects (Ie not carry on in her part time retail role), so possibly an apprenticeship or similar than involved training and progression.....she went to Uni.

I did a two year admin apprenticeship before I decided that I wanted to go to uni, doing a course I didn’t even know existed that led to basically a guaranteed job I didn’t know existed. I’m of the thought that there is no point in racking up all that debt if your heart isn’t in it.

She could also look at degree apprenticeships if she thinks she prefers working. My degree is now available like this and I’d have picked it if it was an option!

She should also be expected to contribute to the running of the household, shopping/washing/cleaning/cooking etc

I went to uni at 18, hated it, dropped out.

I went back age 21 havibg had some life experience and loved it.

I would absolutely up her rent because you are right, if she wants to be a working adult then she needs the responsibilities that come with it and lets face it, the incentive to get a better job or back to uni.

It's her life and her choice, but you're not unreasonable to charge her a fair amount for rent and bills.
There's little point in her going to uni and running up debt if she isn't that bothered.

I was like your DD, good grades, uni offers, but just didn't know what I wanted to do. I worked while living at home (paying my way) before moving away with my job. Three years later I applied and got into professional training for the specialist career I am still in now, 20+ years later. There's a lot of snobbery about uni, but those who trained alongside me who had degrees said the training was much harder academically than uni had been. As soon as I qualified I earned more than most people I knew from school that went to uni, this only increased over time so I probably still do.

Don't write her off if she is willing to work and pay her way. She'll find what she wants to do in time. Uni isn't the be all and end all. Other than the 'student experience' isn't getting a decent job at the end of it and being able to support yourself the whole point? Not much point in having a degree if you don't do anything with it.

Definitely increase the rent. You can always gift it to her if you don’t need it later.

i work with young people and not going to uni is a valid decision. It is a huge debt to take on. And it is likely that she would need a postgrad in science. Is it the subject choice that is putting her off? Perhaps before a final decision she could look at alternatives. If originally a would be medic she could look into other health related careers.

I would perhaps discuss your regrets. She can go later if she changes her mind. Or she could look into degree apprenticeships. There’ll be ones available in science or business/ hospitality management. They pay your fees plus get a wage and a degree at the end.

Well obviously you can’t insist. Few things:

• you can’t project what you wish you’d done on your daughter
• for someone with those grades and aspiring for a career in science, very hard to progress without uni. Lab technician type roles aren’t particularly well paid
• what is her new career plan if she doesn’t go? Fine to not go but with her potential I’d be asking her to aspire for more
• has something else changed apart from the money? That’s loads disposable income at 18, it’s not at 25 when you want your own place etc. Boyfriend? Anxiousness.

Personally YANBU to heavily encourage her to go. Worse case she doesn’t like it and comes back after 1-2 terms. Incurs some debt but better to have tried and failed (or just not like it) and all that.

I’m biased as did go to Uni and it was the best years although don’t think that’s the only route to a successful career. I work in a science based field where biochemists can have a pick of jobs.

Students just get one lot of funding for fees. If you force her to go and then she drops out, she will not be able to get full funding in future for a course of her choice.

I think it’s much better for her to go if and when she is ready. She may well change her mind about the biochemistry and decide to pursue her original aim of medicine.

This.

You're charging her pocket money keep... I was paying 200£ to my mum 30 years ago.

Does she have a boyfriend? That's my hunch as to why she suddenly doesn't want to go.

I wouldn't force her but I would start charging her proper rent. She's on a sweet deal currently.

I was forced to go to uni and dropped out after a year at Edinburgh as I hated it and was miserable. My dd has got conditionals and has announced now she's not going. We have come to the agreement she will work a year and save like mad then go travelling, which is something I do wish I'd done. She cab figure out who she is and what she wants to really do. I do think 18 is really young to know what career you want to pursue.

If she won't travel or go to uni then I think its completely fair to raise her digs so she is covering her own outgoings in the house.

Also if she is interested in biomedical science - make sure it's a course that is eligible for registration with the HCPC as a biomedical scientist!
Many courses aren't!

Ultimately it's her decision and if her heart isn't in it then she will only drop out and waste all that time.
I wouldn't charge her. 1/4 of bills - she shouldn't be paying off your mortgage etc. id minus the mortgage then split food, gas and electric and council tax and charge her 1/4 of that. She does need to save regardless of whether she's going or not, presumably she will want to move out at some point

Definitely your daughter's choice but the 'child' aspect of her life is ending now where she can rely on you heavily subsidising her choices.

I agree that staying in work and your home means a full 25% share of reasonable bills, so gas, electricity, broadband and water. She can either opt into sharing the costs of food, subscriptions (like Netflix) and family car or pay for her own. Assuming you wouldn't move home if she moved out, I wouldn't charge a share of the council tax or mortgage/rent because those aren't costs that would change with her living with you/not.

This will still be substantially cheaper than sharing a house with others renting or trying to rent somewhere small herself and might motivate her to raise her sights somewhat if she's STEM minded towards careers that would be more financially in keeping with her capabilities.

My son didn't go to uni at 18, he'd had enough of school. He turned down Cambridge. He did later do a degree and a masters funded by his employer (Local Government) but left once he'd fulfilled the requirement so as not to be liable for any costs associated with his uni courses. He now works in the independent sector in a role that has no link to either his degree or masters. He has always earned more than his peers who went to uni at 18 (rose through the ranks quickly in Local Government) and has none of the debt. If her heart isn't in it then uni isn't right for her just now. We charged a token rent so ds could save for a house deposit.

One of mine decided not to go, changed his mind in his 20s. I can't see the point of forcing her to go, or even how you'd force her to go.

What's the pressure with university about? I never went and I'm doing 10x better than my friends who did go and not one of them are working within the subjects they studied and are in 30k debt...

I have a dd on her gap year too.

I'm not charging her anything but she's paying her car insurance and petrol. She's saved a big whack so I'm happy with our arrangement. She'll be buying the bits for starting uni like a new laptop which I thought was a good incentive for her to save. Luckily she has been sensible so can buy exactly what she fancies in terms of a laptop.

If she didn't go to uni then I'd have her pay for her phone contract and Spotify premium (as they are just for her) and charge her a percentage of the utilities plus the 25% council tax discount that I lose. I think she'd realise that was a good deal because she has no rent and food would be free.

Going to Uni doesn't guarantee she will have a well paid job in her future. She may not pass, or may decide it's not for her and go back to working full time instead.

To say she'll never be able to put a roof over her head earning £1300 a month isn't necessarily true either. It's possible, albeit you have to live quite tight. She can house share or when she meets someone then there will be two incomes.

She can have a good career without a uni degree (I've done it) and if she can manage that then at least she won't be tens of thousands of pounds in debt!

Try putting other suggestions forwards on how she can move out and have a life without uni instead of making it all doom and gloom. Inspire her!

University can be so over rated. It’s not for everyone, and you can be very successful without that degree. And so many people get themselves into such massive debt just to get that degree, often ending up never using it. But she can go to university at any point in the future if she wants to but maybe she won’t. Again it doesn’t mean she won’t be successful in life.

We need to stop romanticising university.

My advice would be to not try and force her. We went round the houses with dd. I supported her choice not to go, even though I felt it was mistake.

I told my parents, they had to support her too. Eventually, in her own time she came round to it herself and is now going. She is also more focused because she chose it. She wasn’t forced.

However, I wouldn’t have her living at home working a job she knows won’t support her, because you will. Now she isn’t saving for Uni, she needs to cover all her own living costs. If she is saving to move out, I would help her a bit (if I could afford it) but I would want to see she was actually saving. Or you may end up 5 years down the line and she has saved nothing.

She needs to understand she can’t just live with you paying £100 a month forever. If she doesn’t want to go to Uni she needs to start living in the real adult world.

I’d look up the average room in a house share price in your area ( generally £500 bills included.) And tell her she is responsible for buying her own food and looking after herself. Hopefully this would make her change her mind about not going to University.

When I decided I wasn't going to go to Uni (way back in 2009!) my mum charged me higher rent plus a contribution towards the bills and food. I would say do the same here, as it still teaches a bit of responsibility regardless of whether she goes to Uni or not! At the moment life is easy for her as she has £1200 to herself each month, so maybe she feels comfortable and like she doesn't need to change things.