To insist my daughter goes to uni?

[Stropalotopus83]

I'll try to keep this brief!! DD (18) was supposed to go to uni last September. She had applied to various unis and had offers from most but had her heart set on Edinburgh. At the last minute she panicked and set Warwick as her safety as it had a lower grade threshold despite it not being in her top three choices. Sadly she didn't get into Edinburgh and then couldn't get into any of her other choices through clearing due to oversubscription on her course (biochemistry) despite having the grades (A*, A A). We went to visit Warwick but she ultimately decided to take a year off, get a job, earn some money and save and try again this year.

We visited Leeds and Manchester and she loved both, we didn't visit Edinburgh as so far away. She received unconditional offers from Leeds and Manchester. Again, despite meeting the grade threshold she didn't get into Edinburgh which is sad but not really the end of the world (at least I don't think it is). So she needed to decide between Leeds and Manchester.

Last night she casually mentioned she doesn't think she is going to go at all. I was dumbfounded as she has always been set on uni and has known she wanted to do science in some form since yr8. Initially she was considering medicine but for the last few years has been set on biochemistry.

Anyway. I asked her what she was going to do if she didn't go, she said she has a job. She does have a job she's working full time as a receptionist at a hotel at the moment. I said that job wasn't enough for her to afford to get her own place and keep a roof over her head etc. she laughed and said well you aren't going to throw me out, I'll just keep living here.

I'm worried she is going to massively regret this.

She currently pays £100 rent per month but earns around £1300. I deliberately only asked her to pay a token rent on the basis that she was saving as much as possible for uni.

So do I know sit her down and say ok - you don't have to go to uni but if you intend to stay here you need to pay a realistic rent being a quarter of all bills and shopping (4 people in household). This would dramatically increase her rent but might make her realise that just because life is great now (that she works and has a large disposable income and I do all washing etc for her) it won't stay that way?

I don't know what to do. I didn't go to uni and I have always regretted it. I am now doing a degree through the open uni alongside working full time but still wish I had gone when I had the chance. I don't know therefore if my own feelings about missing out etc are in play here and I'm perhaps not being as objective as I should be.

Any advice?

Thanks

And yes there are other ways to make it in life, but if she wants a career in science - and she's clearly bright enough for one - she needs a degree!

She's got over £1000 to spend every month and she's enjoying that, isn't she? As others and you've said, she needs to face the reality of life with paying her way - this might make her think twice about settling for this job rather than university.

I think I’d do that. Tell her she has to pay her fair share to stay living at home. I’d be upset too. Yes it’s her life and her decision but Still!

Some excellent advice in the thread. I would also discuss with her, not just what happens now but possible career progression in the future. Would she be happy doing that job for the rest of her life? Or what could it progress on to? Is there any career path available?

What things would she want to buy in the future- house, car, holidays etc? If she had to pay rent and bills how much would she have left at the end?

Also if she gave university a go for a couple of terms, she could always drop out and come back another time. Perhaps also if she likes hotel work then there may be an apprenticeship or further training available in that line.

I wouldn’t try and force her. I went to university and wasn’t ‘allowed’ to study what I actually wanted to, and ended up getting a law degree I’ve barely used. This was at a time when it was easier to yield to my mother’s demands (I didn’t really fancy being homeless) than ignore them, and it did damage our relationship. She’s never had a say in my life since.

It's fair that if she doesn't go to uni, she should contribute appropriately... and as you say it may make her realise.
Ultimately though she is now able to decide her own future. I would worry too much about going to university atm. Whilst it is easier at her age it is stil planty achievable later in life. I went to uni at 29 to do a 5 year degree. Yes I now have much better career prospects and I know I will never struggle to find work, but I would have wasted my time if I'd gone at a younger age because it just wasn't what I wanted.
On the plus side, I know quite a few ppl who didnt go to uni and are still much more successful than I am in my career.
If you trust your daughter then trust her to find her own way. 🙃🙂

YABU. It’s not like a receptionist isn’t a real job that’s respectable or anything. She may simply not be interested enough in doing whatever degree she was in to out in the work. If so, why bother?

lots of people don’t go to uni and don’t regret it. If anything too many people who go to uni today find that it really doesn’t offer them the great career pathway they expected. That’s the thing when so many people go, it’s not really a big deal.

Have a look at apprenticeships. There are some amazing ones - accountancy / law / consulting which offer a fantastic start to a well paid career without the burden of student debt.

Of course it is her choice but you can help her see the realities of life by asking her to move out. May seem harsh but I have seen so many people not “growing up” using their salaries as pocket money while living an unrealistic standard as their parents are keeping a roof over their heads and food on the table.

My parents made us pay rent and part of the bills but I didn’t realise how expensive life is until I moved out to university and had to pay a real rent and buy my own food. Living away from home made me independent and helped me be better at budgeting, it also gave me higher aspirations as I wanted to earn more to afford the live I wanted to live.

I don’t think this process to independence really happens unless you stop being the “mum at home” and charge her realistic rates (In my area, you can rent a house in a shared house from £480 a month).

My experience was very different.
I did more than my share of housework, cooking, laundry from age 11. At 17 I got a job and quit 6th form. In the 70s you didn't need a degree for all but the most menial jobs and I didn't regret it until much later in life.If only my parents had encouraged / cajoled me to go to uni. They didn't but I did pay 1/3 of all the household bills and I lived at home until I was 22.

Never mind the bills or housework, find out why she doesn't want to go. Help her find an alternative, tell her to go and give it a try. Just don't give up.

With those grades I'd certainly be hoping any DC would be aiming for university. I think sometimes it's easy for 18 year olds to feel overwhelmed by the impending pressure of adult life and doing a menial job and living at home seems the safer option. But living on a receptionist's wage gets old really quickly. If you're fairly academic then the surest (but obvs not only) route to higher incomes, career progression, fulfilling ambitions is through university. You need to come up with a way of helping her set her sights higher. I know at Oxford there were large societies supporting women in STEM - could she attend one of their events. I always found women like Dr Susan Greenfield hugely inspiring.

Absolutely awful thing to do to force your DD to go to Uni, if she doesn’t want too. Don’t push your ambitions onto your DD, this won’t end well if you do.

@hiredandsqueak

We charged a token rent so ds could save for a house deposit.

not everyone is able to do this though - have another adult living with them and using electricity, water, food etc and only charge them a token rent

@Roselilly36

Thats fair enough but the DD can’t expect to just stay living at home and paying token ‘rent’ forever either can she ?

Would she consider a course in hotel management? She’s clearly bright so could be aiming for top jobs in that industry.

I know a few people who did biochem and they didn’t want to work in a lab. Does she know the sort of jobs she would go for with that degree? Medical products, beauty products? She could look at their salaries and compare to her £15k job a year vs say £45k a year

When I was her age and could've got into Uni easily I assumed that my best friend (who was at a different school to me) was also going down this route (she wasn't). I was bullied on and off and had some issues at school so ended up leaving school anyway but I'd have needed a support network of friends around me doing A levels and then applying to unis.

I found it much easier to get a job at 17 and stayed until I left home a few years later (by 21) but I contributed a fair share in terms of rent etc.

My mum did always say I could go to uni etc but it never happened.

You could see how it pans out with her working and then she may be able to return to uni.

A friend's DD started a hairdressing apprenticeship but salon was taken over etc so she left and decided to apply to uni, take A levels etc - forget which way round. She's now at Uni of East Anglia but said she appreciated being able to do a 'job' with the apprenticeship and have a bit of independence that way (lived with her dad and stepmum and younger siblings) and to mature a bit rather than rush straight into uni. She's in halls now but is sharing a house from September and is really pleased and excited about that.

YABU, it’s her choice and actually
not necessarily a bad one given the rising costs of student loans. She may decide she does enjoy being a receptionist and that’s fine, or she may decide to do an apprenticeship or change track in a couple of years.

I do agree that if she’s working full time she should be paying more in rent. If you can afford it, it would be nice to save some of the rent you give her for a future house deposit, but I know that’s not necessarily feasible.

(also I went to a very good uni and earn £1300 a month, albeit I only work 24 hours a week. It’s not a terrible wage for a young single person)

I can understand you wanting her to go but she definitely can't be forced to.

I think you should articulate clearly what you would like but that you will respect her decision.

I think this is important as some children can have short memories as to decisions they make but later regret.

Having 1200 out of a 1300 salary to play with is a huge, completely unrealistic amount atv18, and you are really doing her absolutely no favour allowing that to continue.

Definitely save whatever you ask for, if you wish.

But establishing the going rate in the area for a room and letting her crack on with her laundry etc. is the least you should be doing.

The number of relationships with young adults failing when they move in together because of the sudden shock realisation that you can't rent a home/utilities and food etc. for £50-75 a week has been a real eye opener for a few friends kids, over the years.

Despite having good jobs, being able to blow 95% of their post graduate salary on themselves and their lifestyle really did them no favour.

Moving into their first home with boyfriend/girlfriend was brutal and full of drama at the cost of living🙄.

Several wanted to return home for cheap digs, crystallising to their parents their mistake.

It was a learning curve that I have taken note of.

To get A* AA and, be bothered enough about Edinburgh to do resits, I would think she’s a prime candidate for university. There’s something else going on here..crisis of confidence? Wanting the safety of home for a bit longer?

Don’t charge her a token rent or a small percentage of it, charge her the going rate, otherwise you are helping her live in unicorn land thinking you can have an amazing life on that salary.

(P.S. a token rate is absolutely fine when she is saving for other plans/gap year but not in a permanent basis)

It’s her choice. University doesn’t guarantee a job… blame labour for that

Yeah I wouldn't change my life if I had £1200 spare cash a month.

So I think it's definite "you're an adult not a student now so pay proper rent" time.

Maybe look at the cost of a flat share in your area as a good gauge. Plus share of the bills.

But yea, if you can afford to save the money for her (but totally unbeknownst to her until she moves out) then do that.

My DC are primary age still but I'd hope to do similar.

@Tamzo85

Noone said it’s not a real or respectable job the question is whether or not it pays enough for this woman to live independently. If it doesn’t, it’s not viable is it? She can’t live with mummy forever

You can’t force her (in spite of what one or two people might think), but there some things you can explore further:

She needs to be paying almost the full economic cost of living with you. At the moment she has £1100 disposable income and no doubt all her laundry done and meals cooked. You can save it for her if you want but she needs to be fully aware that £1200 is not a huge salary and she will actually be fairly constrained in what she can buy.

Is part of the reason she doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t really want to leave home? Would she consider a university within travelling distance of home? That way she can keep her job, got to Uni, and live at home?

Could she do a degree apprenticeship (e.g. in business management or similar) so that as least she is continuing to learn?

She might yet change her mind. I left school before my A levels and got a job in a food testing lab. I remember my dad looking at my first payslip and saying, ‘I pay more in tax than that’. Anyway, 7 months later I left and went to college, university, another university, and then another university; and now I’m a lecturer in yet another university. He path is not yet set, but she must pay her way if she works.

Have a look on Spare Room for your area to see what she would be paying if she moved out. Plus she would have to do all her own food shopping and cooking. £1300 is loads when you have £1200 disposal income every month to spend on yourself. How is she planning to increase this summer n years to come to be able to move out?

How long does she realistically think she can live at home for? Is she saving a lot of her money now or blowing most of it?