To insist my daughter goes to uni?

[Stropalotopus83]

I'll try to keep this brief!! DD (18) was supposed to go to uni last September. She had applied to various unis and had offers from most but had her heart set on Edinburgh. At the last minute she panicked and set Warwick as her safety as it had a lower grade threshold despite it not being in her top three choices. Sadly she didn't get into Edinburgh and then couldn't get into any of her other choices through clearing due to oversubscription on her course (biochemistry) despite having the grades (A*, A A). We went to visit Warwick but she ultimately decided to take a year off, get a job, earn some money and save and try again this year.

We visited Leeds and Manchester and she loved both, we didn't visit Edinburgh as so far away. She received unconditional offers from Leeds and Manchester. Again, despite meeting the grade threshold she didn't get into Edinburgh which is sad but not really the end of the world (at least I don't think it is). So she needed to decide between Leeds and Manchester.

Last night she casually mentioned she doesn't think she is going to go at all. I was dumbfounded as she has always been set on uni and has known she wanted to do science in some form since yr8. Initially she was considering medicine but for the last few years has been set on biochemistry.

Anyway. I asked her what she was going to do if she didn't go, she said she has a job. She does have a job she's working full time as a receptionist at a hotel at the moment. I said that job wasn't enough for her to afford to get her own place and keep a roof over her head etc. she laughed and said well you aren't going to throw me out, I'll just keep living here.

I'm worried she is going to massively regret this.

She currently pays £100 rent per month but earns around £1300. I deliberately only asked her to pay a token rent on the basis that she was saving as much as possible for uni.

So do I know sit her down and say ok - you don't have to go to uni but if you intend to stay here you need to pay a realistic rent being a quarter of all bills and shopping (4 people in household). This would dramatically increase her rent but might make her realise that just because life is great now (that she works and has a large disposable income and I do all washing etc for her) it won't stay that way?

I don't know what to do. I didn't go to uni and I have always regretted it. I am now doing a degree through the open uni alongside working full time but still wish I had gone when I had the chance. I don't know therefore if my own feelings about missing out etc are in play here and I'm perhaps not being as objective as I should be.

Any advice?

Thanks

If it's something self-chosen at an early age it probably goes pretty deep. I often regret not doing my chosen career - vet science - and not resitting exams to try and get in. Life takes over and you find yourself somewhere else entirely - might even be better. With those grades your daughter still has many options she can take up at any point if she wants to.

You are entitled to be disappointed or miffed that she has suddenly changed her mind but you are acting quite unreasonably if you try to force her to go to Uni.

At the end of the day she is only 18. She literally has her whole life ahead of her & this is the time she can change her mind safely & learn from mistakes. She could even look into doing her Uni course online with the OU, if SHE chose to.

When it comes to the house upkeep I think asking her to contribute a 1/4 of the household outgoings now she is staying home, not including food, is not out of order at all. She is already paying £100 less than the average live at home rent, which I believe is about £50 a week, & as she is earning a good wage I am surprised she hasn’t offered to pay more already.
At the end of the day you don’t have to use all the money she pays into the household for bills. You could secretly put some away for her so she has a nest egg when she decides to go back into education, move out or even needs a car/new car.
To be honest while she is living in a supported & financially secure setting I’d also encourage her to put a minimum of £200 a month into a savings account anyway! It is something I really wish I had known/thought to do when I was still able to work.

Either way her life is her life & as much as you might want her to do something you can’t. All we can do is guide & support our kids so they make good choices, stay safe & can learn good lessons from any mistakes the make.
😘

@YouHaventDoneAnyWork Yes I do totally get that - some careers quite rightly just can't even start without a degree , I don't want my doctor straight off a BTEC for instance!! My son isn't into software- he can code but hates it and likes hardware and networks and installations- he very much likes consulting on client facing stuff- suprisingly in IT he's a real people person and hence why I think he does well as he can deal with the poshest hedge funds company to the local builders merchants! I'm very proud of him and the fact he's been flat sharing since just before his 18th. I am very much of the mind though that a few years in the non academic world can do many 18 year olds a world of good

You can't 'insist' that she goes to university, no. She's an adult. You can't demand that she spends three years of her adult life doing something, and accruing a massive, massive debt that she'll still be paying off for decades afterwards, just because you want her to. If she wants to go to university in later life, she can. Just because someone happens to be clever, that doesn't necessarily mean a career in something highly academic will actually make them happy.

Plenty of people have degrees and still end up working in industries like hospitality - one of my old uni friends has a degree in maths, but he got a holiday job temping at a gym after he graduated. That was 24 years ago he's been in the fitness industry ever since. He managed a gym for a good while and he's now a personal trainer and he loves it. He often says that his degree was a complete waste of time and money and he wishes he'd just gone into fitness as soon as he left school.

It would be completely fair to increase the rent she pays to you. I don't think you can reasonably charge her 25% of the bills when she doesn't actually have any say over how much energy the household uses or how much is spent on the weekly food shop, but you can of course charge her whatever rent she wants.

However ... if the only reason for increasing her rent is some kind of ploy to make her see the light and go to university, it probably won't work and is also likely to delay her chances of moving out, because she won't be able to save as much towards a rental deposit on a place of her own.

Sit her down for a chat. Let her know her choices
1- attend university/college/ trade school and be supported by Mom and Dad.
2- get a job and pay a fair amount for room and board.
3- move out
This was the choices my children had/have for continuing to live at home.
Your daughter can always attend school at a later date (I went back to college at 34)

Absolutely this!!

The decision to go to Uni is not just about being academically ready - it is also about being emotionally ready too.

At 18 yrs I was not at all emotionally ready. However a few years of working, commuting, visiting my friends having a ball at Uni, working in a job with limited prospects - I soon realised that I needed a degree to progress and that you are at work for many years.

When I did go to Uni, I really loved it. It just took me a bit of time to be ready for it.

I feel your pain, honestly I would be disappointed too.
I would be curious about why she doesn't want to go , is it change of life style/ lack of money ( has she not really been saving?) Is she worried about going back to education after being out of school or being "old"? ( my DD was worried about being too old when she went at 19!) Is she anxious about being away from home, still upset over Edinburgh? With those excellent grades she will have the option to go later but as you know its much easier when you are young and free of responsibilities.
Being a receptionist is fun now but in 5-10years the novelty will have definitely worn off ,its hard as a teen to look to the future beyond the right here and now.
I would be tempted to try and convince her to go too, it probably wouldn't work but not sure I could help myself!
Otherwise defer a year, reapply to Edinburgh next year? Look at degree apprenticeships? And yes up the rent, but work out how much 25% of bills and food are in relation to income. I would try and secretly save the rent for her future though if possible.

Perhaps if she does something else for a bit she would have a better idea of what degree would be useful for her and she could apply as a mature student. Mature in this context is over 21 so she wouldn't have lost much time and would be far more motivated.

Since my nephew was about 14 all he wanted to do was be a chef. He got a pt post in a gastropub where the head chef as a kitchen assistant at 15/16 and the Head Chef took him under his wing and he learnt loads.

At 18 he got a place studying? Hospitality but turned it down, he wanted to work his way up from grass roots.

My brother and my nephews mum (they’re divorced) were up in arms. How’s he going to run his own business without a degree? I was laughing, like Gordon Ramsey etc have a degree!

im old-55- at my age if you wanted to go into that line of work you went to the local tech at 16 and did c&g!

Yes if you want a career that needs a degree, or you’re unsure. But if you know what you want, you don’t want to go, and can do your chosen career without a degree…. so what you feel comfortable with.

Sorry message was garbled but you get my drift

I think you just need to explain that you were happy to support her so much this yeR because you thought she was saving for university. I would probably expect her to look into a career. This could be some other qualification that can be studied for locally. I think she is going to regret not taking the opportunity.

F

Gut reaction is that if you "force" her to go she will resent you and whether it's a loan or you paying the Uni fees it could be a very expensive waste of money. At the end of the day it's her choice, she is an "adult", but she needs to decide if she is staying with you (and paying a proper board) or getting her own place, or she might still be with you when you retire

This is not a decision for you to make. University won't necessarily mean she earns more money or is more employable. My partner and I are not university educated, we earn good money having worked our way up. We own our house and have no major debt (apart from mortgage). Family members on the other hand have good degrees which also come with a good amount of debt. They don't quite earn the salary we do and are also 4 years behind, having wasted a good amount of time at university.

I decided long ago that I’m only going to live with my children when they are at school. After that they need to move out. I don’t want room mates. Family or otherwise. As a parent I think I have a duty to push my chicks from the nest or they won’t know they can fly…

I agree with you. Dh and I have a few degrees between us and it was non negotiatiable from our parents. I will be doing the same with dc. I followed the traditional university, job and so on. It has been to my favour. I did take a gap year between my undergraduate and post and regretted it. She has the time now to do it. Have a good discussion with her about what she thinks her future is going to look like. And do not make it easy for her at home. Get her to pay full costs as she thinks life is grand at the moment because she has you to coast her by. I don't think she comes across as sensible at all. She sounds incredibly immature and you need to step in as her parent and steer her away from making a bad decision.

It may be her life, but she is still a teenager and barely knows what life is. I think its your job to step in and help her make good decisions. Look at pp on this very thread who regret it. I chose a career path that isn't my passion, isn't my calling BUT it has provided me with a great lifestyle and one that has afforded me many opportunities. In turn I can provide a very comfortable lifestyle for my dc. I'm currently a sahm, but my degrees and previous experience will enable me to get back into work when the time comes. I think she is making a big mistake and very irresponsible.

Well done to you but it took 17 years to do that, and you probably had determination in you. Ops dd already jokes about having her mum to bankroll her. This isn't a sensible adult here.

We had one like that! By the time he’d done a few dead end jobs, saw he reality of 40 years ahead of him and approaching 20, he went to Uni.
It’s her decision and if she changes her mind that also has to be her decision. I agree about asking for contributions to the house expenses, even if you save them for when she eventually changes her mind and goes.

I agree with you. Dh and I have a few degrees between us and it was non negotiatiable from our parents. I will be doing the same with dc. I followed the traditional university, job and so on. It has been to my favour

well that’s great for you, but not everyone is the same. It did not work for me. I will be making sure dd takes as much time as she needs so she ends up on the right course for her career, and not just any old degree for the sake of going to uni at the “right” time.

i have a degree and a postgrad degree. I am now in my 50’s and 8 years behind on NI and private pension contributions. My field is not highly paid enough to “catch up” financially, so I’m stuck. Dh went to work at 18 and will be able to retire long before me, and he’s on a bigger wage because he was much further along in his career compared to me as I started at the bottom of the ladder post uni.

I've not read all of the posts but I think you know you can't force her to go.

Set her a realistic rent for your area be clear what this covers and around whatever expectations you have in terms of contribution towards the house in terms of cleaning and upkeep (does she do her own laundry etc?).

Ask her to promise to reflect on whether to go next year and be open to discussions around alternatives. Degree apprenticeships are great now and often lead to a job and include a free degree so consider that.

Everyone is different - I didn't go to university until I was 22 I wasn't mature enough to deal with it at 18. So there's still a possibility she may go.

That may be true for you. In my case there wasn't any parental support or guidance about the career path to take. Neither from my schooling system. It was just in the final year of school that we had to decide immediately what to study. Really no preparation. Times have changed so much, there is alot of guidance now that didn't exist for me. It is my job to provide my dc with as many opportunities so that they have choices. Yes you can study later on, but why would you do it then when you have families, huge financial commitments etc.? Why make your life harder? And as many women become sahms for years on end, they have nothing to fall back on. I get that everyone sees this differently, I'm just speaking from my experience.

Yeah I'd love to see how they would cope with my DS, who is nearly 8 and autistic with multiple learning disabilities. He is going to leave school with no GCSEs. But he is absolutely brilliant, and I'm so glad he is here in the world. My dream for him is very very simple, I just want him to be happy. Right now he is lining up Teletubbies toys and making some very happy stimming noises, so that's a win.

I don't know whether this will be helpful or not but here it is. A grandson, bright boy, excellent grades, accepted by Bristol, had also applied for some apprenticeships at the same time. Offered apprenticeship qby a well known City firm, he flatly refused to take up his university place. He's 2 years in, has just received a bonus and a pay rise, has a car of his choice and is looking for a house to buy. He feels - we were chatting about it last weekend - like a lottery winner. He has a salary equivalent to the amount of debt most of his friends now have. He feels he made the right choice, as do his parents although they didn't at the time. But he has been lucky. One of his main considerations was the amount of debt he would have been facing at the end of his degree. He says if he feels the lack of a degree he can take one when he chooses without feeling overwhelmed by debt. Good luck to your daughter. It's for her to decide but there are options other than University.

Yes you can study later on, but why would you do it then when you have families, huge financial commitments etc.? Why make your life harder?

Not going to university at 18/19 does not mean the only future opportunity to do so will be when you have a family and huge financial committment.
Actually there's a lot to be said for taking a few years to work out what you want to do, rather than rushing into any old university course and then discovering it it is the wrong thing.
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