Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

Hi OP,

you have been given good advice here about getting out of the house with your child, finding work and I'm delighted you have accessed counselling. Lots of baby/toddler and carer groups are very low cost and designed to help women in your position get mutual support.

If you live where I think you do, there are less well off areas with decent not too expensive provision. Google your borough baby/toddler drop in. Quiet curses at the Tories for getting rid of Sure Start. If you are in London, think about all the amazing free places where you can spend the day with a little one. Coram Fields in Holborn is wonderful with a big big sandy area, a splash pool, play equipment, friendly animals, and no adults are allowed in without children. They also have an under fives drop in. Unfortunately the web page has not been updated www.coramsfields.org/under-5s/

Also check out the provision in the Science Museum. I've not been for years but there was a place in the basement for very small children called The Garden and The Pod is marvellous too. Libraries often have activities for little ones and their carers. Your baby will be benefiting from this sort of activity. It's not just about getting you out of the PIL's home.

For specific financial help it could be worth going over to the Money Saving Expert forum. eg forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe and forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6027813/struggling-with-debt-ask-a-stepchange-debt-adviser-a-question

You really do need to be taking a far more active role in the family financial planning.

Best of luck.

Me and dp didn't want for me to work weekends when he is free as that meant no family time
Being a grown up, especially a parent, means that sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Clearly you need to work 🤷‍♀️

Realistically, you need to understand that by staying with this 'man', this is your life now. This is the life your child will grow up in. There is no real excuse for having no money other than him being useless with it. You won't change him. If he's not sharing now, it will always be hidden or downplayed. I know you don't want to hear that but trust the many of us with experience.
You brought a baby into a shit situation but it is what it is and it's now up to YOU to get to a place where you can be happy. Don't be so passive, your child needs you not to be.

I have read your replies and I agree with an earlier poster who said you have a DP problem.

It also reads to me that you don't have clarity of how your DP is budgeting to get out of his debt so my advice there is you need more transparency as to where his money is going. I would also suggest as he got himself into this situation, he isn't the best one to be sorting it out either...

I would highly recommend you get in touch and both attend a meeting with a budgetary organisation. Not only will they be able to put your family finances into some sort of sense, they can usually re-negotiate cheaper rates for repayments and the like. They will also know of all available options in regard to housing and benefits, and are usually funded by grants from Govts or charitable organisations.

Do NOT continue on as you both are, it's very clearly not working.

In regard to the in-laws and your mental health, I suggest you take yourself and little one off for walks to parks, gardens, museums and free/low cost attractions, get involved in local mothers/tots groups, anything that gets you up and out of the house on a regular basis. This will work wonders for your head space as well as being stimulating for your bub. It will also give your In laws some time alone in their home without you being underfoot. You all have overstayed the welcome and I'm sure your inlaws are feeling it too.

In the meanwhile, either you or the DP need to find additional work (night shelf packing at supermarkets?) to supplement what is coming in, however there is no way in hell I would be letting the DP have access to those funds either.

but make the call today to one of the budgeting centres or charities and ask who they would suggest you should go and see.

goodluck . Remember if you don't start to make change, no one/nothing else will either.

Well, in the case of the OP working a bit would definitely be a start...

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you, OP.

I think you're being hopeful expecting your DP to manage to sort it out/extricate you from this situation. The situation atm is clearly much worse for you than him... he gets to go out to work, there's no oversight of what he does with his earnings, it's not as bad for him as for you living with his parents.

In your situation, I would give some thought to whether you want to stick around, given that there appears to be no end in sight to the situation. If you leave, you will be entitled to benefits as a single parent, including help with childcare and housing. You will also be entitled to child maintenance from him. It might be very tough at first, but I'm not sure that you're going to reach a situation where you're happy and confident in yourself and able to move forward while living with your ILs.

She said she's starting counselling next week.

You are a married woman with a child

I haven’t seen the OP say they are married?

The OP has had a baby with a man and had decided to give up where she lived, her job and her life to live with his mum because she said the law said she had to?? She now doesn’t want to work because it would cut into family time! There seems to be a great deal of really poor decision-making going on here.

I can’t see the OP ever coming back to explain properly what is going on though so nobody can actually offer any useful help. Let’s hope she’s not still there in 5 years with three kids, no wedding ring and no job whilst her boyfriend continues to spunk his money on gambling/porn/strippers.

I haven’t seen the OP say they are married?

Like so much else it's unclear; the tile mentions inlaws, but throughout he's called a "DP"

Hi everyone. Thank you for all the advice yesterday whether it was tough or not. Alot of it stung to hear but some of you hit the nail on the head about my situation and the truth hurts.

Me and dp spoke about finances again. We have done this previously and spoke to a bank who helped pull us up a budgeting plan. Neither of us have been 100% strict with it although we haven't strayed entirely away.

This is the thing. I did the turn2us calculator and we are only eligible for child benefit which I get. Because dp earns 1900 before tax ect we aren't considered in the bracket for uc or child tax. I do know someone in dwp though so will clarify all of this.

We managed to pull up some money to go into savings. However we worked out all that we are only left with about 150 at the end of the month. Even if we was to cut down dps expenses we would only have about 800 left. That is no where near enough to even pay for a rent in the cheapest of areas.

I know everyone said we need to move and dp has agreed to move half an hour away but that is all. He won't move any further, he wouldn't want to upset his parents or isolate us from family.

So I'm completely stumped. Even if I was able to get a part time job that would just be enough to cover rent. It just all seems so impossible and hopeless.

We went through every tiny expense and honestly none of it is excessive or luxurious. The only thing we have for ourselves is one subscription which is less than ten pounds. Everything else is food, car tax, insurance, money for me (gets spent on dc). Car is a necessity as we live rural and dp needs to travel for work.

Those saying to leave dp I will not leave him over this. He made mistakes but he has shown massive improvement and become very responsible since dc has been born. He is working hard to undo his wrong doings and make a future for us but it just seems so hard being young and having a child. The housing market isn't particularly forgivable at the moment and the general cost of living is so high. I don't understand how we are meant to do this but on the other hand for my mental health sake I can't continue here for an unknown amount of time. We wasn't able to give a deadline because we can't physically move out with the money we have. It's just.depressing regardless if we save or not.

@Shinyandnew1 i get it looks to be the case. But I ended up living with dp because lock down happened and I couldn't move back. I then got pregnant, unexpectedly, and the situation with my previous accommodation was up in the air. It so happened that it got sold on. So I would of been homeless, in a kickdown and pregnant. Why in anyone's right mind would anyone do that to themselves. I get that this circumstance I "chose" wasn't great but trust me when I say it was the best out of all the choices I had. And yes it still sucks but I don't know where I would of gone if it wasn't for here. I would of been in a very unstable vulnerable position. Its so easy to judge when you wasn't the one in it.

He must be paying a huge amount of debt off if he's earning that much and you cant afford to rent anything anywhere. Moving far away from his parents into a cheaper area would be a double win for you!

When you did your calculations did you put in that it would be a joint claim, there's a baby, you'd be living in private rented etc?

Because many factors affect what you're entitled to. If you put for example that you're living rent free with parents then obviously it wouldn't show the correct figure for if you had rent to pay.

But if he really is spending a thousand or more a month paying debt then he needs an iva or whatever the debt management plans are called now.

They come to an arrangement based on what you can afford after you have met your essential living costs.

Your benefit entitlement changes if you put in a rental cost - in ran it through last night.

If you won’t leave this man, then it looks like you’ll be in this place for many years to come, at least until the child starts nursery and you can work.
Many people have to move away from their parents to get more affordable housing.

Sounds like your boyfriend is quite happy living with his parents, and this could rumble on for years if he doesn’t want to move less than “half an hour away”.

Sounds like his mum likes living with her son as well.
Quite possibly he is the “ Only” or youngest child, was spoiled, and hence being terrible with money.
Unless he has a gambling or class A drug problem, I can’t see how money isn’t be being saved.
Your boyfriend is in a comfy situation, living at home- It doesn’t sound as if he actually wants to leave home!

What on earth are you spending £1500 a month on if you don't pay rent?

Gambling debts?

@oakleaffy he said he doesn't want to move out and be in a very vulnerable financial situation where we can't even afford to eat - which after going through the figures we actually wouldn't even be able to afford rent let alone food.

His parents have said the same and on numerous occasions come up to me and told me not to pressure dp as she doesn't see how we would be able to do it (moving out). Now thinking on it I don't think it's that dp doesn't want to move out but this place has been his security blanket, enabling him to focus all his money on his expenses. I think he is scared to be out there in the big wide world alone and its alot on his shoulders responsibility wise. He is scared and I'm sure he would say that if I asked.

I don't think mil wants us to leave. Fil may feel indifference about it as he pays for everything but mil would only lose out if we left. She reassures us that dps older brother didn't leave until he was 28 but he didnt have children.

Dp is the youngest, he has 1 older brother as I mentioned before whole dps parents also helped out alot and housed both him and his partner.

I agree- The son clearly loves being at home with his mum, another pregnancy would seal the deal to stay with mum for the forseeable future.

Having children doesn’t even get one on the council list -

It’s a cushy number for the son, living comfortably with his parents.
Not to be able to save in these circumstances seems crazy.
But I feel the boyfriend doesn’t WANT to leave the security of home.

Where the hell did strippers comes from 🤔you lot really pulled that one out of the bag

Then what IS he spending £1900 a month on?

How on EARTH is he not only unable to save from that sum, but has run through everything YOU had previously saved?

I think you are being financially abused OP.
Because he's either lying to you, or you are not telling us the full story.

Sounds like your partner’s family are “ Enmeshed”
It’s not healthy.
My husband and I had to move 112 miles from parents to afford somewhere to rent at age 21.

I was pregnant, and son was born a couple of weeks after the move.

We lived on Richmond Hill , London before, paying most of our money in rent. ( It felt safe and familiar)

Moving away was naturally hugely stressful, but it did enable us to buy a house.

Unless you move to a cheaper part of the country, I can’t see a way out at all.

It would have completely done my head in to have lived with In laws with a young baby.

@oakleaffy at this point I would be completely onboard with moving further out to be able to afford life. Not only for us but ds. He will not be able to afford much in the area we are in and I want him to actually have a chance to start up in life and not experience what we are experiencing. Problem is it took me nearly a YEAR to get dp to agree to considering half an hour/40 mins.. How am I going to convince him that 100 something miles should be considered

Gambling or Class A drug abuse crossed my mind first, because these whittle away money fast, with nothing to show for it!

Strippers maybe are a reach too far, But a GP locally was spending a lot on sex workers - It only came to light when an incident happened and he was jailed for providing Diconal (?) to said sex workers after being blackmailed.
( Pre net days, but was in all the local news)

Yeah. Your P doesn't want to move. He's comfortable at home with mummy not having to shoulder any real financial responsibility.

Being with him means living there indefinitely, so you're either going to have to make your peace with remaining a childlike dependent or break up with him.

• Stay out the house as much as physically possibly during the day with DC, the weather is getting nicer and you said you live rural - go on walks, picnics, anything that will get you out the house and unable to listen to MIL comments.
• I know you dont want to sacrifice family time, but if you want things to change you mightt have to. But this will be short term, and enable you to save quicker. Get an evening/ weekend job. Again gets you out the house more and away from MIL.
• Emotionally detach from trying to please or accomodate MIL, it sounds like you can't please her no matter what. So stop trying, she sounds controlling and hellish so will probably not like you dancing to the beat of your own drum - but at the moment does that even matter, it sounds awful as it is. Atleast this way you can do as you please and shut off from her comments.
• Tune out when she talks to you, think of things you can do to cheer yourself up instead of listening to her shitty comments. Get an adult colouring book to relax, listen to music, snuggle up with DC in your room.
• When not out the house, spend as much time with DC in your room as possible. Make it extra cosy and use it as your sleeping and chilling otu space, ensuring door is closed to its clear you want privacy.

It doesnt sound like communicating verbally is helpful, so stop bothering and start making physical changes. Remove yourself formt heir prescence as much as possible, and when your at work and your DP has DC, the in laws can spend time with him then without you being there to hear their comments.