Page 12 | Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

Leanabelle · 2022-05-18T11:53:13+00:00

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details. I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived. We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape. Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas. They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling. Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children. I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/05/2022 11:59

It really doesn’t matter if they are married or not (it does in the big picture but that’s another topic) as I stated assuming she wants to stay with him all of the advice is applicable.

@Leanabelle Your further comments are indicating that neither of you are willing to do the work necessary to change your situation. You need big changes to make a difference. Eliminating a subscription service isn’t going to cut it. You need to work full time. You both need to commit to this.

I hope I’m wrong, but without a deliberate shift in effort I suspect you will be in the same place 2 years from now.

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 19/05/2022 11:59

Also, how can you be both "very rural" and in the most expensive borough?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 19/05/2022 12:00

@GregBrawlsInDogJail
I was just about to post the same

FoiledByTheInsect · 19/05/2022 12:03

Get a part time job wfh, set up your own bank account and put ALL the money into it, take nothing out and live off your dp. He got you into this mess, you went along with it for whatever reason and if you're refusing to leave him, ok your decision but you have to work as a team to dig yourselves out. Sounds like he probably won't be up to the task, so you need to start thinking like a single parent.

When you have the part time job: this requires minimum 5 hours a day jobseeking and writing a cv etc, even at 3 in the morning between bottle feeds, then work out how much you need for 6 months' rent deposit and 2 months' living expenses, write that figure in big letters and post it on your bedroom wall. Each month you have a job is a little progress towards that goal. If the MIL is capable of looking after your child safely, personally I'd let her, get a full time job and get out of there much quicker.

You will have to grow a thick skin, dig deep and set your boundaries as currently they are not strong. Ignore all comments from mil. Just smile politely, have faith in your own parenting and job-finding abilities and carry on towards your goal.

oakleaffy · 19/05/2022 12:05

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 11:55

@oakleaffy at this point I would be completely onboard with moving further out to be able to afford life. Not only for us but ds. He will not be able to afford much in the area we are in and I want him to actually have a chance to start up in life and not experience what we are experiencing. Problem is it took me nearly a YEAR to get dp to agree to considering half an hour/40 mins.. How am I going to convince him that 100 something miles should be considered

I do feel your pain.
our DS lived in his new area, and thought of it as home, going to local schools -
Housing prices are really awful in some parts of UK , spurred on by foreign investors and buy to let landlords.

Is there any way his parents could help you to buy a place locally?
Buying is by far the best option, as rent is just “ Dead” money.

Lsquiggles · 19/05/2022 12:07

I think your only option is to stay put and put all your energy into saving properly, there doesn't seem to be any other options.

Your in-laws won't change because it's their house and they don't want to, you can't afford to leave due to financial struggles, your partner is prioritizing his parents wants over yours so won't 'allow' you to move further afield where you could afford to live.

If you can try and improve your relationship with your in-laws purely to make your life easier, I would. Even if it's not genuine and you hate their guts, trying to defuse these situations may help your mental health

jimmyjammy001 · 19/05/2022 12:10

There really isn't any helpful advice anyone can give you on how to cope apart from the obvious which you allready know but can't do for financial reasons, it sounds like your living situation was bad enough and the baby coming along was the final nail in the coffin despite all the promises of it "will all be fine" as many people get told in life but never question it and stand up to the person telling them that.

CaliforniaDrumming · 19/05/2022 12:11

I have no practical advice, but it is plain that your DP does not want to move out ever, and will not tell you what he is spending all that money on. This is financial abuse.

Having left my parents in another country- with their blessing so I could purse work opportunities-I find it hard to understand parents who are so controlling that they won't let their DC move even half an hour away. And would have little respect for a man who is so scared to cut the apron strings. He sounds about 12.

Lsquiggles · 19/05/2022 12:20

CaliforniaDrumming · 19/05/2022 12:11

I have no practical advice, but it is plain that your DP does not want to move out ever, and will not tell you what he is spending all that money on. This is financial abuse.

Having left my parents in another country- with their blessing so I could purse work opportunities-I find it hard to understand parents who are so controlling that they won't let their DC move even half an hour away. And would have little respect for a man who is so scared to cut the apron strings. He sounds about 12.

This. Your partner has financial control over you and his parents have total control over your decisions. I think you and your baby would be happier without having such a limited life dictated by others 😫

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2022 12:38

You are with a partner who is spending £1900 a month on something other than his family. I don’t think anything we say is going to help you.

DirectionToPerfection · 19/05/2022 12:41

I think it's doable if you're partner can cut expenses and you get a job. Even moreso if you move further away.

Your DP should be prioritising you and the baby over his parents right now. So what if MIL is unhappy, he has responsibilities and needs to step up.

If he refuses to prioritise you, then you need to seriously decide if you want to be with him.

There are solutions but you have to be willing to put the effort in and/or make some difficult decisions.

CaliforniaDrumming · 19/05/2022 12:48

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2022 12:38

You are with a partner who is spending £1900 a month on something other than his family. I don’t think anything we say is going to help you.

And you are not married, so that makes you vulnerable. I have spent long periods of time as an SAHM due to some difficult circumstances, so no judgement from me about not working. But if you choose that path, you have to have absolute knowledge and control over your finances. We had a joint account, I had the password, and I saw every month what was coming in and what was going out.

Lillygolightly · 19/05/2022 12:51

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 11:55

@oakleaffy at this point I would be completely onboard with moving further out to be able to afford life. Not only for us but ds. He will not be able to afford much in the area we are in and I want him to actually have a chance to start up in life and not experience what we are experiencing. Problem is it took me nearly a YEAR to get dp to agree to considering half an hour/40 mins.. How am I going to convince him that 100 something miles should be considered

How to get him to agree…. Decide to move to whatever cheap area you can afford and go. Either he will follow or he won’t, that’s the reality of the situation your in unfortunately.

Whatever financial improvements he’s made and whatever it is he’s doing now it’s clear that if your going to go by his timeline for things, your in for a very very long wait and that’s IF moving out EVER even happens. From what you’ve described and detailed so far moving out seems unlikely and most probably because (despite agreeing with you), it comes down to the fact that he just doesn’t REALLY want to.

You need to start putting yourself in the driving seat of your own life. At the moment you are just a passenger to his and thus by default his mum! They are quiet happy in the situation so it’s up to you to change it because frankly speaking to make it happen in any sort of time frame your happy with, your going to have to sort that out yourself.

One of two things will happen:

If your lucky you’ll eventually move out, but given the finances and the distance he is willing to move, I don’t see this happening in the next 5 years at least. Would you be happy with that? Do you think your relationship would survive the stresses of this living situation for that length of time. Consider also that this will only become more difficult as your child gets older (overbearing and interfering opinionated grandma aside) you’ll then be tied to school places, and DS’s friendship circle etc.
You’ll eventually get so sick of waiting and being so miserable that you will leave, having wasted years of being miserable when instead you could have moved on to somewhere affordable being in your own control and started building a happier life and stability for you and your DS. The longer you leave it, the more you’ll be guilted about the fact your ripping DC away from his all too doting grandparents and you will wish that you had done it sooner.

It is within your means to make yourself happier here and to find a healthier living situation for you and your child. From your posts it’s clear that you are not ready to take that step, and that’s ok….you need to be ready to take such a leap, just be wary of leaving it too long.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/05/2022 12:58

Do not marry him!

Who's name is all this debt in?

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 19/05/2022 12:59

How much are you spending on DC a month? Your baby doesn't need formula any more. You aren't using childcare, toys and clothes can be had very cheaply second hand or even borrowed from a toy library. And presumably child benefit is sufficient to cover nappies.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2022 13:00

with dp because lock down happened and I couldn't move back.

Really? You couldn’t?

Original poster

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 13:13

Ugh this is ridiculous.

Flats around here for 1 bedroom are around 1300 just for a nice one. That's not including crazy high council rate and bills. I've just looked at outside our area and there are 2 bedroom Houses going for 700 a month! It's criminal.

It's making me upset and annoyed. I know you all keep saying just go but I can't. Everyone will be slating me for being unreasonable and then I will be seen trying to take dc from dp if he doesn't follow. So either I'm stealing his son away (this was something mil told me I could never do) by leaving or I'm cornering him into following. Either way I'm the bad guy here. I don't think my mental health can take the amount of sh!t I would be put through by his family for that

OP posts:

Original poster

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 13:14

My dc steal needs nappy and milk??? He is only just 1.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 13:14

@Shinyandnew1 again having to explain myself no I couldn't. I couldn't go back before my accommodation had been sold on. It would of been the most stupid decision and I would of been homeless and pregnant

OP posts:

AskingforaBaskin · 19/05/2022 13:15

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 13:13

Ugh this is ridiculous.

Flats around here for 1 bedroom are around 1300 just for a nice one. That's not including crazy high council rate and bills. I've just looked at outside our area and there are 2 bedroom Houses going for 700 a month! It's criminal.

It's making me upset and annoyed. I know you all keep saying just go but I can't. Everyone will be slating me for being unreasonable and then I will be seen trying to take dc from dp if he doesn't follow. So either I'm stealing his son away (this was something mil told me I could never do) by leaving or I'm cornering him into following. Either way I'm the bad guy here. I don't think my mental health can take the amount of sh!t I would be put through by his family for that

Why would you need to take any shit? Block them.

You are an adult and now you need to start acting like one.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2022 13:21

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 13:14

@Shinyandnew1 again having to explain myself no I couldn't. I couldn't go back before my accommodation had been sold on. It would of been the most stupid decision and I would of been homeless and pregnant

Sorry, but no, I don’t understand. Lockdown didn’t ever mean you couldn’t return to your house.

When did you find out you were pregnant?

CaliforniaDrumming · 19/05/2022 13:22

Your mental health is already terrible.It can't get any worse. If your inlaws want to hate you for moving to where the cheaper houses are, let them. They appear to hate you already and you can't please them.

DirectionToPerfection · 19/05/2022 13:28

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 13:13

Ugh this is ridiculous.

Flats around here for 1 bedroom are around 1300 just for a nice one. That's not including crazy high council rate and bills. I've just looked at outside our area and there are 2 bedroom Houses going for 700 a month! It's criminal.

It's making me upset and annoyed. I know you all keep saying just go but I can't. Everyone will be slating me for being unreasonable and then I will be seen trying to take dc from dp if he doesn't follow. So either I'm stealing his son away (this was something mil told me I could never do) by leaving or I'm cornering him into following. Either way I'm the bad guy here. I don't think my mental health can take the amount of sh!t I would be put through by his family for that

Why do you think you're the bad guy??

You have a responsibility to look after yourself and your child (so does your partner). Lots of people move away from their parents, your MIL is not entitled to have her grandchild on her doorstep. It's simply not possible for you to move out and live close to her. Stop tieing yourself in knots trying to please her.

I would be laying it out for DP that you have to move out, and if that means going to a cheaper area so be it. Maybe you can move closer again in the future when his debt is paid off and you're both earning more money. That's a goal to work towards.

You can't see the wood for the trees at the moment, but it doesn't help lashing out at people who are taking time to respond and are making reasonable suggestions. Clearly there is no answer that you're going to be happy with. But you'll stay miserable if you don't make changes and you need to put your big girl pants on and assert yourself.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 19/05/2022 13:37

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 13:13

Ugh this is ridiculous.

Flats around here for 1 bedroom are around 1300 just for a nice one. That's not including crazy high council rate and bills. I've just looked at outside our area and there are 2 bedroom Houses going for 700 a month! It's criminal.

It's making me upset and annoyed. I know you all keep saying just go but I can't. Everyone will be slating me for being unreasonable and then I will be seen trying to take dc from dp if he doesn't follow. So either I'm stealing his son away (this was something mil told me I could never do) by leaving or I'm cornering him into following. Either way I'm the bad guy here. I don't think my mental health can take the amount of sh!t I would be put through by his family for that

Does your DP understand how much damage living this way is doing to your mental health? If he does he is choosing to let your MH take a battering because he isn't prepared to live further away from his parents. You're already at breaking point, at least if you move you'll have some physical distance and your own home so they won't always be there and you'll be able to get some space and peace to recover in.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/05/2022 13:50

I know you all keep saying just go but I can't. Everyone will be slating me for being unreasonable and then I will be seen trying to take dc from dp if he doesn't follow

But if he wouldn't support you in leaving a very damaging situation that would be his choice, not yours. I've no doubt they'd all try to blame you, but that doesn't mean you'd have to listen once you were out of there

It couldn't be more obvious that he's quite happy to stay so he can waste his money instead of taking responsibility for his own family's wellbeing, so as most have said you have two choices ... stay and accept this'll be your life for ever, or do something about it