Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

[Leanabelle]

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

Reading between the lines, I imagine your partner has run up debts, I'm guessing gambling/credit cards.
He is being cagey about the repayments, because while you are living with his parents he still gets to have a considerable amount of spending money.
You have to stop this. He is not motivated to at present.
You should work out in your head what you are prepared to tolerate. E.g how long you are willing to stay with your in-laws and what you are prepared to do to move out.
Then sit down and share this with him. Write it down for him if that is easier.

1. Finances must be transparent if you have a future together and are going to be able to trust him. (Do you have a joint bank account? Do you see his wages? If he is paid £1600 a month he would be entitled to between £80-£100 tax universal credit).


2. You will move out on your own with the baby if he has not saved a figure (say a rental deposit and 2 months rent) by a certain date. Go to the council about this now as you are in danger of being homeless.

Why are you so preoccupied with OP being a teenager or close to teens?

Young but not very young would suggest she's somewhere in her 20s, i.e. an adult capable of working and living independently. For her partner to have racked up debts and have several years work experience he's hardly a teenager.

Because having kids that age I know that the life experience of someone who is twenty and never lived independently is very different to that of someone in their thirties or forties.

Argh OP this is such an annoying one because while I'd love to be able to give you helpful advice, all I can think of is WHY were you so keen to stay with and form a "family unit" with a man who was (I assume from your post) in serious debt and not a good earner and then have a baby with him and give up your job??? You have given away all your power and that's why you're now in such a crappy situation. The only really useful advice would be not to bother with this bloke as he sounds like a waster. And that would only have been useful before you got pregnant and decided to keep the baby.

As it stands I would explore options to leave him and pursue him for child support. It's the only way you're ever going to get any money out of him. He's been living with his parents (I assume) for your entire relationship - clearly it works for him in some way. He has failed to sort out his finances and is evasive with you, his partner, as to why - odds on whatever he was doing that was "stupid with money" before, he's still doing (gambling? Drugs? Credit?). You are fully financially reliant on him. He is failing to defend you from his family - but then how could he since he chooses to abdicate from adulthood and live under their roof. He is dragging you down.

Contact the council/citizens advice and explore options to leave. A bedsit with a small baby would be better. Then you can start to build a better life for your child. As a single parent you would be assessed differently for free childcare; or you could work weekends/evenings while DC is with their dad as 'family time' would no longer be an issue.

You need to recognise that you have made a mistake with this guy and get rid of him, or you'll still be in this situation years down the line.

I can't go to work because dc isnt eligible for free child care yet he is 1.

Why can’t you work in the evenings?

I know you don’t want to have advice about moving out but if it’s as bad as you say then you’d absolutely want advice on how to move out asap.

You’ve lived there for 2 years. You’re going to have to wait another 2 years if you’re waiting for your child to turn 3 which is unfair to your in laws.

Get an evening job and use that money to save for a deposit on a rented home.

Like many others I am a single parent working FT on just over the benefit cut off so I don’t get any help either but I still manage to pay my rent and not live with my parents.
I know if I had a partner I would be a lot better off financially.

There are couples far older than 20 who live with parents and/or who rack up debt.

I would guess mid twenties but it doesn't really matter, the advice would be the same even if OP was 40.

Not only that, but the OP says that prior to this arrangement, she had a job and her own home, and would visit her then-BF.

I think YABU simply because you seem to want someone to come up with a magic solution for your situation that doesn't involve significant pain or sacrifice, and I don't think that's a reasonable ask simply because there clearly isn't one.

Op you are quite scathing about your dp's poor financial decisions.

Does he gamble? Did he lose your savings? Does he owe his parents a lot of money? Did they bail him out?

Unfortunately, you are not in the driver's seat and you are resentful of being put on this situation with no obvious escape and it sounds as if your dp is tired of your moaning about what he can provide.

Your expectations of your dp do not match the reality. You knew he was poor with money before pregnancy. Your resentment of him not providing more will end up poisoning your relationship, if it hasn't already.

Try to match the expectations he has of you and he needs to match your expectations this - way you will end up somewhere in the middle.

The trouble with those with poor financial acumen though is that it tends to not to change much and he doesn't have to suffer the fallout of his bad decisions as his family bail him out.

The older his parents get the more you will be expected to cater for their needs. There is no incentive for him to move out.

Has it crossed your mind that he hadn't been entirely truthful with you and as a result, he doesn't want to discuss it and gets agitated if you bring it up?

It will be obvious to him how unhappy you are but it seems he has learned to tune you out.

Have you ever thought the money is going somewhere but he hasn't told you the full story?

I think you need to start digging. The fact he has no outgoings for 2 years living with his parents could mean that he has saved a stash but doesn't let you know about it.

I am not saying any of these scenarios are true but you do need to be open minded and don't believe what he says without evidence.

Ok, I’m going to try and offer helpful solutions and advice.

I know you’ve said you’ll look at taking evening work, or perhaps consider one weekend day even? This I believe will be good for your mental health as well as your finances. Do NOT give your earnings to your DP, this money is for you to save for you and your DC, you can of course use it to move out WHEN your DP has enough for his share in that. Your DP can grumble all he likes about lack of family time, but unfortunately neither of you are in a situation to be choosey about that.

Living arrangements now, in your situation I would be spending as much time as I could outside the house. When the weather is good or even just ok, get yourself and DC out for a walk, it’s good exercise and it’s free and will give you some space to breathe. When home spend as much time as you reasonably can in your own space/room, you might feel a little cooped up but at least your not subjecting yourself to anymore contact with your in laws than necessary. Should they complain about this you should stand up for yourself and state that you can’t spend so much time with people who don’t respect you as a person, as mother and as a partner to your DP. You’ve talked and numerous times for this to change and it’s now clear that’s not going to happen and so from now on your going to stay out of their way until you can move out.

Given how much his parents don’t want you to move out due to DC are you sure they aren’t hampering your DP’s efforts to do so?

Lastly and importantly give your DP a deadline and mean it. It will need to be realistic but it also needs to be no quibble. If you can’t move out within that time frame than you need to leave, for the good of your metal health and so that you can be present and be a good mum to your child. He needs to understand that you are serious and if he is as serious as he says he is about keeping his family together he is going to need to find a way to make that happen.

All of the pain and sacrifice can’t just be on your side or just come from you, it’s going to be the source of such resentment. In the meantime look after yourself, it’s good that you have sought therapy, this will hopefully help you work things out and move forward.

Not only that, but the OP says that prior to this arrangement, she had a job and her own home, and would visit her then-BF.

no she doesn’t, she is very very careful and at no stage says she had her “own” home. Reread it. She says she had a job, but gives no details, Ie full time, part time etc, she says she had a life, talks about her prior “living accommodation”. But never once says she lived independently and had her own home.

The housing market is horrific at the moment, MN is full of threads about people who can't afford the housing they need. I've heard this generation (as in, 20- and 30-year-olds) referred to as "boomerangs" because SO MANY have been forced back to their boomer parents' homes in order to be able to make ends meet. It's really not an unusual situation. Nor is an unplanned pregnancy.
I'm not sure why people are assuming the OP doesn't pay rent. My DB and SIL live with her parents and they charge them just under market rate. There's not much money left over to save in that situation.

OP - it sounds like there isn't much transparency between you and your DP when it comes to your finances if you're having to ask.him how he's doing with saving. In your situation I would want access to the bank accounts so that I could see exactly what the incomings and outgoings were and what the money was being spent on. Whatever it is that's preventing him from saving efficiently and which led to him spending all of your savings isn't going to be solved by you getting and evening job and running yourself into the ground.
WRT handling your in-laws, we also lived with DHs parents for a time, years ago, and what made it work was me being very assertive and holding firm boundaries. (Actually, it was both parties being clear about boundaries and expectations, but you can only control what YOU do, not what your in-laws do.) If you're starting counselling soon I would ask for help around boundary setting. Obviously if you're living in a joint household you do need to be reasonable about sharing the space, and make compromises, and respect their values, and do an equal amount of the housework. But you don't have to e.g. justify your parenting decisions, or tolerate verbal abuse or controlling behaviour, just because you don't own the house.

This adds a lot of helpful context and while I’m usually against the way MN users are quick to tell people to leave their partners in tempted here.

I don’t have an answer for joe to handle your MIL except your priority should be moving and this is dependent on your partner getting bud act together so my advice will be to try to ensure you are both on a plan and by both I don’t mean he just tells you I’m working on it, I mean you are both involved in the details and making decisions together.

Have a look Dave Ramsey on YouTube. While some of the specifics of his advice is for the US the principles apply in the UK. You guys will need to assign a job for every single penny and stay on budget and hold each other accountable. In addition as others have mentioned you will need to find some way to also earn an income though I get your challenges but don’t give up, keep exploring options.

if all that fails you may need to leave your partner and that may qualify you for housing and UC help.

I’ve been there before where while I earned a decent amount I had no clue where my money went and was index the rolling overdrafts every month. Thanks to my partner saying enough and holding me accountable and me also hitting rock bottom and getting tired of living paycheck to paycheck I took action and I’m in a much better place now with no need to think about the next bill and can’t wait for the next paycheck.

It may look hard from where you are but it’s possible but it requires your partner being all in if not it will not work.

This is what I was talking about in my last post, the fact you only realize he has not made progress until you ask him is wrong, you need to be involved in every single detail and involved in making decisions not you handle it and I’ll check in once in a while.

He has not displayed the ability to make proper financial decisions so you should not expect any different from him.

Set up weekly meetings to go through accounts and finances together and make a budget together. Use those meetings to ensure you are both keeping to the budget and plan. You need access to all accounts, if he is refusing it means he is hiding things from you simple.

I'm starting to feel for the in laws.

What's the plan if they throw you out?

Their son and grandson can stay. But you? Why would they need you?

None of this makes her a teenager though!

Just fucking leave! Or , get a job. It doesnt matter if you dont reap financial benefit for a few yrs. Your sanity and career matter more.
When you crappy marriage breaks down and he continues to waste money by giving it to his family or whatever you will regret your in(actions) now. You are making choices to stay in a bad situation. You are choosing to stay..

Is this somehow cultural?

@MintIceCream1 with all due respect, you have no idea what you are talking about. You have no idea why we have no money or why it's taking so long to save up. But all I can say is I have nothing to do with.

But you have everything to do with it. If you are living in someone else's house for 2 years, you get a job, a SAHM isn't something everyone can afford; if the borough is too expensive, move out of the borough, move anywhere. You are acting like a victim. Is there a genuine reason you can't work?

You mention in one of your posts that "dp focused his money elsewhere" and that you've had to use your savings because of that- that you had "deposit money and it all went down the drain" - I'm so sorry to hear this. In order to not feel so trapped and helpless you need to have a savings plan and if dp isn't good with money then perhaps you need to sit down and have a serious look together at exactly what can be saved each month. Do you have a joint account? If not would he be open to one? If you're better with finances and he has a habit of "irresponsible behaviour with money" (to quote you!) wouldn't it make sense for you to manage them?

Also a weekend job- I know you'll never see each other for a bit but if you can see an end goal it's bound to lift your spirits! And if you're financially contributing too he might be more open to a joint account- where there will be that transparency as to where money is going and how much can be saved

You're not going to fix your MH whilst you're stuck in a situation you feel is intolerable and has no end in sight. You need to take practical steps to get out.

Go to CAB for benefit's advice in case there is anything you are entitled to - take your DP with you - perhaps he'll be honest with them about where his money si going.

Go to Shelter for housing advice - they can give you advice about waiting lists; overcrowding; being homeless, etc.

Look at moving to another area where the cost of living is much cheaper and you and your DP can both find work.

I’ve read your posts @Leanabelle but no one else’s. Here is what I’m going to suggest. I’ll take you at face value that you want to stay with your DH

1. you need to start working. Even if all you are able to do is pay for childcare. Your income will grow over time and you will spend less time in the house.
2. You both need to draft up a budget, one that includes savings and a spending plan. You both need to agree to this. you need to take a firm hand on the family finances. you should be sitting down at least weekly to discuss money, adjust the budget, track progress, and plan.
3. Draft out a plan of what you need to move. Be realistic, aim low for moving out. This plan should be part of the budget and tracked to when you both sit down.
4. Part of this plan should be looking into programs to help you move out
5. Grit your teeth about your in laws. You can’t change them and quite frankly you are learning a valuable lesson in life… It’s the “golden rule” or He who has the gold, makes the rules. Don’t ever forget how you feel right now and use it to drive you (or your children) to never be in this position again.
6. Learn! Find credible resources to learn about personal finance, learn how to make good decisions going forward and what to teach your children.
7. Be ruthless, yes you working is going to be less time as a family. Get over it. Life is full of crappy choices, suck it up for a couple of years, improve your situation, and move past the point you are now. Your other choice is to be miserable together.

Gotta be honest I’ve been near your situation and it sucks, but nobody is going to fix it but you and your DH. So if this sounds harsh, it’s because it is. You are a married woman with a child and you and your DH need to start acting like it.

I really wish you all the best. Life will suck for awhile, but you can make it.

I’m posting against my better judgement here.

OP, how much longer can you carry on like this? One year? Two, three, five, ten?

Given how many relationships fail with just ordinary stress levels, you are unlikely to live happily ever after with this man and his family.

You have a choice. You can put up with it for a few more years and become increasingly miserable. Or you can leave now and start building your own life back up again.

How can you do that? Another poster has already given a numbered plan. Follow it!

Your OP reads as though you feel you are being abused emotionally and possibly financially. Contact Women’s Aid for advice and help in moving out. That is your first step.