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Original poster

Help! Living with in laws is making me ill

360 replies

Leanabelle · 18/05/2022 12:53

Okay so I'm going to try and explain as much as I can without giving away outing details.

I'm looking for advice or tips on how to cope/navigate living with partners parents when there is conflict or disagreements in how life should be lived.

We can't move out as money is slim to none at the moment so please no drilling on moving out of course if we could at this point we are so desperate we would take a box flat just to escape.

Im finding it intolerable now. We have lived here for 2 years and it was never intentional but life has meant its been the only choice. The conflict between ways in how things are gone about or done here is causing tension between me and dp, putting a strain on all relations and making him stressed and me physically ill. Living here has caused my self esteem to crumble and feel the lowest I have felt about myself. Dps parents highlight my flaws in life and as a person and its dragging me down. They have told me that all of Dps family thinks I'm a mess and all over the place because I'm struggling with anxiety right now after giving birth and other traumas.

They slate my family because my parents weren't the best and use my upbringing to criticise me and how I am with dp in our relationship. This isn't on a daily basis but generally it happens when me and dp go through struggles or I go through bad day. Consequently its made me feel like I'm unstable and horrible and I can't shift this feeling.

Mil has constant expectations on everyone is and highly opinionated but because I live here with her she thinks it's appropriate to dictate how we live. If she has friends over I am expected to entertain and drop my whole day to be present all just to please her. There is no respect that I am an adult and an individual who has my own life. We are treated like children.

I'm not trying to be ungrateful because I am and I understand the living situation is hard on everyone but it's been particularly comprising for me. I've had to sacrifice and put up with alot and I do all this because I want to be with dp. I just want to know how to make life easier living here and living someone else's life whilst we try to get money to move out. I'm alone most of the time with the parents whilst dp is out working. I try to make myself busy as I can be but we inevitably cross paths Alot.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 19/05/2022 14:28

You mention in your budget post that you could possibly have 800 a month left.

if you combined that with whatever he is paying towards his debts, how long would it take to pay them off?

then how much would be left in the budget each month?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 19/05/2022 14:33

Also, if you moved, you may be entitled to housing benefit/ council tax support
CAB could probably arrange a low payment plan with your DP's creditors
You do need to be proactive and change the domestic situation and ignore Mils opinion.
You're parents now

TinaYouFatLard · 19/05/2022 14:45

Sorry but ‘most expensive Borough’ and ‘very rural’ conundrum needs clarifying.

ReadyToMoveIt · 19/05/2022 15:02

TinaYouFatLard · 19/05/2022 14:45

Sorry but ‘most expensive Borough’ and ‘very rural’ conundrum needs clarifying.

Yeah I’m baffled too. I assumed the OP was in London.

Therealjudgejudy · 19/05/2022 15:04

You need to start working, keep the money you earn and move out.

If you don't take action, you will be in the same situation in 2 years

FoiledByTheInsect · 19/05/2022 15:24

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 13:13

Ugh this is ridiculous.

Flats around here for 1 bedroom are around 1300 just for a nice one. That's not including crazy high council rate and bills. I've just looked at outside our area and there are 2 bedroom Houses going for 700 a month! It's criminal.

It's making me upset and annoyed. I know you all keep saying just go but I can't. Everyone will be slating me for being unreasonable and then I will be seen trying to take dc from dp if he doesn't follow. So either I'm stealing his son away (this was something mil told me I could never do) by leaving or I'm cornering him into following. Either way I'm the bad guy here. I don't think my mental health can take the amount of sh!t I would be put through by his family for that

OP you need external help urgently.

You are scared of him and his family, aren't you? I know what it's like to feel powerless and outnumbered by a "clan". Because you do know that their opinions and words count for absolutely nothing? What the MIL said about "stealing his son" is complete rubbish, you do know that?

They have no right to make you feel this way. It amounts to coercive control on their part.

Is there anyone in RL can you contact safely to help you?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/05/2022 15:42

For all the mentions of debts, I don't think OP's said anything about him owing anything? If memory serves, all she said was that he "focused his money elsewhere" and that MIL thinks he's irresponsible with it

And if he's a loser, there are a hell of a lot of things his money could be going on apart from paying debts ...

ReadyToMoveIt · 19/05/2022 15:49

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/05/2022 15:42

For all the mentions of debts, I don't think OP's said anything about him owing anything? If memory serves, all she said was that he "focused his money elsewhere" and that MIL thinks he's irresponsible with it

And if he's a loser, there are a hell of a lot of things his money could be going on apart from paying debts ...

She also called it ‘DP’s expenses’ which doesn’t necessarily sound like debt. Could be anything… drugs etc.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2022 16:15

The OP says that whatever he’s spending £1900 a month on isn’t important here and it is what it is, but I think the reason for that is HUGE and would 100% inform what I would do next.

Liorae · 19/05/2022 16:28

ReadyToMoveIt · 19/05/2022 15:49

She also called it ‘DP’s expenses’ which doesn’t necessarily sound like debt. Could be anything… drugs etc.

Show quote history

Overspending on his car comes to mind.

oakleaffy · 19/05/2022 16:34

The MIL saying “ You’ll never take my boy away”
She is keeping him an infant for ever.

Healthy families want their adult DC to have freedom.
It sounds unhealthy and enmeshed.

It must be grim.
What a manipulative MIL.

re Borough, I too assumed London, but the Rural mention discounts that.

Either way, property is expensive in the South, generally.

Original poster
Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 16:49

@TinaYouFatLard i could pm you but I can't disclose my location on here that is too outing. Its in London. But where we live there is no public transport you have to get a cab to transport if you can't drive.

I hope that makes sense.

To everyone else who is saying just move far I get it. I really do. That is what is the most infuriating part about it. I want to go but its just not that simple. It will put us completely out of our element. We will be isolated from family, have no help with dc. My dm is going through some hard times and I don't have it in my heart to leave her. She has no one else. Dp will be under immense financial strain I know it, yes we could do it but we would just about make it by. He would most likely hate and resent me for snatching him away from all his friends and family. We will be alone. I know it all sounds like excuses and it should all be black and white but it just isn't that simple. Its not just my life I'd be affecting here. It would be dp his parents my parents my child. My siblings his siblings. It all sounds incredibly selfish. Dp couldn't even work that far out anyways. That would mean having to scrap his now job to get a different one in placing us back to square one. Dp has earned as much as he has ever earned in this job so it wouldn't make sense for him to lose it. Then he will truly never pay of his expenses

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 19/05/2022 16:55

What significant expenses could he possibly have without housing costs? Why do you keep saying his expenses, his finances, his burden? If you are a family these are your expenses and your finances?

AskingforaBaskin · 19/05/2022 17:03

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 16:49

@TinaYouFatLard i could pm you but I can't disclose my location on here that is too outing. Its in London. But where we live there is no public transport you have to get a cab to transport if you can't drive.

I hope that makes sense.

To everyone else who is saying just move far I get it. I really do. That is what is the most infuriating part about it. I want to go but its just not that simple. It will put us completely out of our element. We will be isolated from family, have no help with dc. My dm is going through some hard times and I don't have it in my heart to leave her. She has no one else. Dp will be under immense financial strain I know it, yes we could do it but we would just about make it by. He would most likely hate and resent me for snatching him away from all his friends and family. We will be alone. I know it all sounds like excuses and it should all be black and white but it just isn't that simple. Its not just my life I'd be affecting here. It would be dp his parents my parents my child. My siblings his siblings. It all sounds incredibly selfish. Dp couldn't even work that far out anyways. That would mean having to scrap his now job to get a different one in placing us back to square one. Dp has earned as much as he has ever earned in this job so it wouldn't make sense for him to lose it. Then he will truly never pay of his expenses

The you are choosing misery.

And you can only blame yourself

CaliforniaDrumming · 19/05/2022 17:03

Many of us bring up our DCs in different countries from our parents! Without any family help ever. People move to London for jobs leaving entire families behind. Siblings scatter worldwide. This is how things are in 2022. People have to move for jobs or to cut costs.

Honestly, people are trying to help you but you are determined to reject every suggestion. Does your family and DM want you to live like this? If so, their feelings are not worth considering. This entire family set up sounds bizarrely unhealthy and co-dependent in the worst way.

You appear to have decided to put your happiness last on the list of priorities.
Therefore the only option for you is to live with your in-laws, keep looking for ways to placate them and coax them into treating you with respect. Sounds a horrible existence to me. But it's your choice as apparently no one in your family can be upset.

elephantbreathing · 19/05/2022 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Troll hunting

MintIceCream1 · 19/05/2022 17:05

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 10:58

Hi everyone. Thank you for all the advice yesterday whether it was tough or not. Alot of it stung to hear but some of you hit the nail on the head about my situation and the truth hurts.

Me and dp spoke about finances again. We have done this previously and spoke to a bank who helped pull us up a budgeting plan. Neither of us have been 100% strict with it although we haven't strayed entirely away.

This is the thing. I did the turn2us calculator and we are only eligible for child benefit which I get. Because dp earns 1900 before tax ect we aren't considered in the bracket for uc or child tax. I do know someone in dwp though so will clarify all of this.

We managed to pull up some money to go into savings. However we worked out all that we are only left with about 150 at the end of the month. Even if we was to cut down dps expenses we would only have about 800 left. That is no where near enough to even pay for a rent in the cheapest of areas.

I know everyone said we need to move and dp has agreed to move half an hour away but that is all. He won't move any further, he wouldn't want to upset his parents or isolate us from family.

So I'm completely stumped. Even if I was able to get a part time job that would just be enough to cover rent. It just all seems so impossible and hopeless.

We went through every tiny expense and honestly none of it is excessive or luxurious. The only thing we have for ourselves is one subscription which is less than ten pounds. Everything else is food, car tax, insurance, money for me (gets spent on dc). Car is a necessity as we live rural and dp needs to travel for work.

Those saying to leave dp I will not leave him over this. He made mistakes but he has shown massive improvement and become very responsible since dc has been born. He is working hard to undo his wrong doings and make a future for us but it just seems so hard being young and having a child. The housing market isn't particularly forgivable at the moment and the general cost of living is so high. I don't understand how we are meant to do this but on the other hand for my mental health sake I can't continue here for an unknown amount of time. We wasn't able to give a deadline because we can't physically move out with the money we have. It's just.depressing regardless if we save or not.

Those saying to leave dp I will not leave him over this. He made mistakes but he has shown massive improvement and become very responsible since dc has been born.

You admit yourself you don't even know what his money is spent on, so how can you say he has shown 'massive' improvement when you have zero savings? Is his dick made of gold because how else could you stay with a loser piece of garbage and live with his parents with zero savings after two years? Are you desperate for a partner? Because how else do you explain staying with a loser piece of garbage living with his parents with ZERO savings after two years? You say you won't leave this worthless piece of shit? Then you deserve everything but your innocent child doesn't. We've all advised you to leave him, but you are clearly desperate for a man, any piece of shit from the gutter, that not even your innocent child is enough to make you leave him. Clearly you are not at all upset by the way your boyfriends parents treat you. You have no self respect do you.

Original poster
Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 17:07

@elephantbreathing i wish it was. Nice to know my life is so sad it seems fake

OP posts:
MintIceCream1 · 19/05/2022 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Troll hunting

I think you're right.

Maireas · 19/05/2022 17:10

Why do you need a car if you live in the most expensive London Borough? Why are you now saying it's rural? You must have public transport, surely?
You need to find out what he's spending £1,900 per month on when you pay no rent.

Maireas · 19/05/2022 17:12

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 19/05/2022 11:59

Also, how can you be both "very rural" and in the most expensive borough?

Yes, that's what I just noticed!

Shinyandnew1 · 19/05/2022 17:12

Leanabelle · 19/05/2022 17:07

@elephantbreathing i wish it was. Nice to know my life is so sad it seems fake

It’s not sad, it’s just strange.

Your boyfriend is spending £1900 a month on something that isn’t his girlfriend/baby.

You say you live in the most expensive borough, but it’s rural and there is no public transport?

You say that you couldn’t return to the place you lived when lockdown started?

CaliforniaDrumming · 19/05/2022 17:17

If he won't leave his mummy/friends/siblings and you won't leave your mummy/friends/siblings then you have no option but to either earn more or live with your respective mummies forever. That's life for most of us.

Maireas · 19/05/2022 17:17

She said her previous accommodation was sold, then in another post, demolished. Maybe it was both.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 19/05/2022 18:03

This isn’t right, if your total family earnings are 1900 before tax monthly, and you’ve one child then you’d be entitled to a huge amount of benefits if you both lived independently as a family of three on 23 k a year in total …you are a low income family who would need the government to financially support you.

he is not entering it correctly. He must be doing it as living rent free at his parents or something.