To think she should stay home with her child

[HomeSick2]

I'm home with a sick 1 year old who's unable to go to nursery, I've been off work Monday Tuesday and today because of this.

It's my DSDs time with her mum today, tomorrow and Friday (50:50) and she has rang my husband this morning at work to say DSD is poorly and can I look after her as I'm off work anyway and she has to go to work (erm so do I?!)

I've said no.

Firstly, it sounds like DSD has something different she's vomitting whereas DS has Covid like symptoms (although negative test). No sick but temp, cough, cold, and very clingy, and no sleep 😭. Could be the same thing but doesn't sound it and no way I want DS getting something else on top if I can help it nor do I want to spend the day clearing up another child's sick when I'm already knackered.

And secondly, her mum has made our life difficult on so many occasions I just have no interest in doing anything for her tbh.

I've said to DH she should take the day off herself for her child like I've had to with DS, considering its her day too.

The kids have 2 different illnesses. Looking after them together is likely to result in each catching the others illness, just ensuring both stay ill for longer. How does it make sense to expose and already ill 1 year old to a vomiting bug on top of everything?

Up to your DH and his ex to sort. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to catch a sickness bug especially when your DC is already sick with something else. She’ll have to take time off work or your DH will.

Gosh, what a tricky situation. I do see why you wouldn't want another sick child in your home but, presumably, this is not just some 'other' kids - is she no your stepdaughter now that you have chosen a man who has a child previously, and now you're in this 'blended' family unit?

Difficult to get a full picture.

Were you the reason for the split between your husband and his ex-wife? If so, I guess some of her hostility boils down to that but it obviously shouldn't go out on the poor kid.

Not at all. Im saying he should do twice as much in total as each of the mothers. Not twice as much per child.
So, say in a year, both children need care for 12 days each. Each mother does 6 days for her own child, leaving him to do 6 days each for his two children, 12 days compared to each mother's 6.
So yes, twice as much childcare as either mother. Perhaps he is a rare case that does this.

Totally agree.

OP, it sounds like the conversation you need to have is with your DH about not falling into the guilt trap, because honestly he should have shut it down as soon as she raised it and never made it your decision at all.

He knows you’re struggling with your own sick child and the lack of sleep and shouldn’t be expected to add to your own burden with another sick child and all the clearing up of vomit entailed. He knows his DD has a different kind of bug that could make your own child even more ill, and potentially both of you as well. He knows that his ex would never do something like this to help you two out.

Also, once your child is well enough to go back to nursery, you’ve potentially still got a sick DSD with you - does he really think shuttling a sick child back and forth would ever be a good idea, or was he thinking you could just take the whole week off work to look after her, even once your DS was well?

It’s pretty shitty to his own DD as well to move her, and move her away from her mum when she’s ill; if it was him at least she’d have one of her own parents looking after her, but palming her off on you really isn’t in her best interests either.

So why did he even ask you? He needed to give her a firm no straight off the bat, instead of adding to your load by even suggesting it as a possibility.

It’s good that he’s not the kind of man to leave all the sick child care to you, but it sounds like he needs to be a bit more on the ball with dealing with his ex. That’s what you should be talking about. A pp asked how she knew that you were off work taking care of DS, and I’d ask the same. Unless it’s DSD that’s told her, she really shouldn’t even know. You need better boundaries!!

Does your oh ever have dsd on days that he works? If not then I think that he should also be expected to share this load.

Op YANBU and I can see why you're getting frustrated here! (Men can do nothing right sometimes on here!)

Anyway, even with the best relationship with the SC's mum it's still a bit of an ask to expect you to look after her poorly child when it's a sick bug (serious phobia for me though!) She really should keep her daughter home with her to stop it spreading. It would also annoy me immensely that she went to him and not directly to you- like she feels you have no say. I would have done the same thing, but made sure she knew I wasn't being awkward, just sensible. Out of interest did your husband want you to do this or was he happy either way?

is she no your stepdaughter now that you have chosen a man who has a child previously, and now you're in this 'blended' family unit?
That doesn't mean OP is a domestic appliance who must jump to attention whenever her husband ex CBA dealing with her own child!!!
After all, isn't she her daughter now that she has chosen to give birth to her and now she's in this biological, moral and legal family unit?

I highly doubt that if it was the father asking for a favour so he didn’t have to take time off work, that the response would be ‘the mother should do it!’.

YANBU

I would say no too

But he's already done say 6 days with each child as they had covid. He had his eldest for some of the days she would have been with her Mom but did the right thing by his kid and kept her.

Now it's time for Mom to one day with her child, just like op is.

If she's vomiting she should stay home with her mum. If you have her over, Ds could pick up the tummy bug up on top of what he has already.

When Ds was younger he got a cold which led to a nasty chest infection, then somehow caught a sickness bug on top of that (it was definitely a sickness bug, cos I got it too!) he was so ill and probably the most ill he's ever been looking back. He was about a year old at the time.

your stepdaughter could also pass bug to you which I'm sure you don't want either.

Responses like this also don't take into consideration that it is absolutely not in either child's best interests to be exposed to one another's illness.

Even ignoring that dad had already taken time off to help mum out previously.

Also, as an aside, he does not have "two families", he has two children.

I don’t actually think you’re unreasonable at all for not taking the child.

it’s this attitude of “his day / her day” that I hate. I also hate that adults can’t grin and bear it and forge a relationship for the sake of the kids. All this war with the exes stuff is inherently selfish. On both sides. Where kids are involved, you don’t have that luxury.

and by that I don’t mean parents should never split up. You don’t have an obligation to stay married but I believe you do have an obligation to try and make it work and be civil
for the sake of the kids.

(I’m not specifically talking about you, OP. Just in general)

Why should she benefit from you being off, especially when you’re off with your own sick child?
She can do the same as you and stay at home. What makes her any different to you?

If your child was ill, she wouldn’t be in any rush to help you. It’s the exact same principle because you’re only mums to your own respective children so neither of you owe each other anything regarding each other’s children.
the father is responsible for both.

it’s this attitude of “his day / her day” that I hate

I think when it involves the stepmum I think it should apply though. This isn’t two parents co parenting and working as a team/helping each other. It’s the mum asking the stepmum for a favour, and she doesn’t have to say yes.

And a lot of the time, the flexibility that some people expect on here only seems to be a one way street anyway.

If she were a friend's child then I would not look after her but as she is your step daughter I would especially if I was off looking after a sick child already. I'd put them in separate rooms if possible.

Why did she ring your husband? If she wants a (huge) favour from you she ought to be asking you.

Perhaps because he's the kid's father?

No. YANBU.

She is already at her mum's and will come to you on Saturday.

If she was ill in your DH's week it would be for you two to sort out.

No she should be asking dad if he has any ideas. Dad can then ask OP if she minds. Ex should not be thinking I know ill see if OP can do it. That thought should not even enter her head.

I won't let her have my number since I changed it.