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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should stay home with her child

180 replies

HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 07:26

I'm home with a sick 1 year old who's unable to go to nursery, I've been off work Monday Tuesday and today because of this.

It's my DSDs time with her mum today, tomorrow and Friday (50:50) and she has rang my husband this morning at work to say DSD is poorly and can I look after her as I'm off work anyway and she has to go to work (erm so do I?!)

I've said no.

Firstly, it sounds like DSD has something different she's vomitting whereas DS has Covid like symptoms (although negative test). No sick but temp, cough, cold, and very clingy, and no sleep 😭. Could be the same thing but doesn't sound it and no way I want DS getting something else on top if I can help it nor do I want to spend the day clearing up another child's sick when I'm already knackered.

And secondly, her mum has made our life difficult on so many occasions I just have no interest in doing anything for her tbh.

I've said to DH she should take the day off herself for her child like I've had to with DS, considering its her day too.

OP posts:
Swayingpalmtrees · 18/05/2022 08:12

"I am sorry but I can't care for another child whilst ds is so poorly. I hope she gets well soon'

SpaceMaaaaan · 18/05/2022 08:13

Swayingpalmtrees · 18/05/2022 08:12

"I am sorry but I can't care for another child whilst ds is so poorly. I hope she gets well soon'

Why apologise though.

"hahaha no sort your own childcare out you cheeky moo"

Lovemusic33 · 18/05/2022 08:14

It’s her day to have her so she should juggle things so she can stay home and care for her. The last thing you need is 2 sick children to look after, especially one that’s being sick.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 18/05/2022 08:14

Why should DH take time off work? It’s the mothers time with DSD she should take the time off work. Bizzare.

This ^ Would the same apply if the OP took a day's leave - oh she's off work anyway so she may as well have her ill DSC?

What the OP and her DH decide to do about the sick 1 yo is up to them. According to the OP her DH does his fair share of looking after the kids when they're sick.

Tryhard40 · 18/05/2022 08:15

I never really understand posts like this. It all seems like a bit of a power play and overthought.

If I was off work with a sick child anyway, yes I would probably look after my SC too because it wouldn't make any difference to me. But I'm quite a laidback, amiable kind of person.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it. I guess when you marry a man with children you kind of take them on by proxy though and it's good to help out when you can? I do get about not wanting two different illnesses in the same house though.

NamechangeFML · 18/05/2022 08:15

Well look, if you dont have a good relationship with his ex, and you say she's selfish and therefore unlikely to return the favour - then theres your answer OP

hope the babys ok ( and the elder one!)

SpaceMaaaaan · 18/05/2022 08:15

She shouldn't even know you are off. Your family is absolutely zero to do with her.

ShirleyPhallus · 18/05/2022 08:16

What do you want to get out of this post OP given that you’re sure that you’re in the right?

ElevenSmiles · 18/05/2022 08:17

You were right to say no you have enough to contend with.

KyaClark · 18/05/2022 08:17

It would be nice for the child if you had a mutually helpful and friendly relationship but you don't, so fuck the mum. She can't be rude and difficult and then expect favours. That's not how it works.

Luculentus · 18/05/2022 08:17

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 18/05/2022 07:58

Maybe she has a “big project” on at work 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fuck me though. Imagine your parents being this petty. “But it’s not my daaaaay 😩”

Poor kid must feel really good.

Why would that be relevant? OP didn't ask for her help when she had a big project on.

Lalliella · 18/05/2022 08:18

The fact that it is different illnesses is enough to say no. Don’t bring the rest of the stuff into it, it’ll make you look petty.

AndAsIfByMagic · 18/05/2022 08:19

Wow! The stepmother haters are really reaching here.

Of course you're right to say no. For all the reasons you've given.

Original poster
HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 08:19

ShirleyPhallus · 18/05/2022 08:16

What do you want to get out of this post OP given that you’re sure that you’re in the right?

My post was about whether I was unreasonable for saying no myself. I've defended why my husband isn't off because a lot of poster's made assumptions about him because of this, but my AIBU wasn't about him which is what most of the posts have been about so far, it was about me saying no.

OP posts:
Catshaveiteasy · 18/05/2022 08:19

Well I don't agree that a refusal is justified on the grounds she has been difficult in the past. If you don't like that, why would you want to be seen by her as difficult too?

But yes to husband doing it. I have a role managing a large staff, mainly women, and it gets frustrating that often the father won't step up when their child is unwell.

I do get the fact the other child has a different illness though - that's justifiable.

Original poster
HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 08:21

Lalliella · 18/05/2022 08:18

The fact that it is different illnesses is enough to say no. Don’t bring the rest of the stuff into it, it’ll make you look petty.

Sorry just to add, I obviously haven't said any of the other stuff to her, that was just to give more context to my reasoning for saying no for the thread, to explain that we don't have a friendly relationship where favours are the norm.

OP posts:
Original poster
HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 08:22

it gets frustrating that often the father won't step up when their child is unwell.

But he did, very recently, as I've already explained.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 18/05/2022 08:23

HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 08:19

My post was about whether I was unreasonable for saying no myself. I've defended why my husband isn't off because a lot of poster's made assumptions about him because of this, but my AIBU wasn't about him which is what most of the posts have been about so far, it was about me saying no.

Show quote history

But everyone has focused on this because the child has 3 parents - 2 biological parents and a step parent. You’re a unit with your husband, not a standalone person who has been asked to do this favour.

everyone is focused on it because there seems to be a game being played here of “pass the child” and point scoring of who has done what on what day. Plus the fact that this is really between your husband and his ex-wife, and then between you and your husband if he wants to ask you to do the favour.

Dont do it if you don’t want to, but also don’t be surprised that everyone is asking where your husband (ie the child’s father) is in all this

MiseryWIthAStent · 18/05/2022 08:23

But surely if DH takes the time off to look after both his children then they'll be introducing the other bug anyway? Assuming your DH takes time off during his contact time for ill children then YANBU IMO.

MiseryWIthAStent · 18/05/2022 08:24

Also not every child's mother is nice 🤷🏻‍♀️ so if your attitude is because of her behaviour then again IMP YANBU

CarlaH · 18/05/2022 08:25

You're wasting your time. People don't bother to read the other posts they just want to get their opinion across.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 18/05/2022 08:27

vomiting Child needs to stay well away from covid like child. Neither need to catch the other bug.

If the had the same symptoms maybe, but in this case no way.

SpaceMaaaaan · 18/05/2022 08:29

I guess when you marry a man with children you kind of take them on by proxy though and it's good to help out when you can? you do not. And if OP wants to help out her DH that is different to helping out the EX.

Harridan1981 · 18/05/2022 08:31

He took his turn the last time the child was ill. It's the mother's turn this time, in both families.

Yanbu.

SpaceMaaaaan · 18/05/2022 08:31

this is really between your husband and his ex-wife, and then between you and your husband if he wants to ask you to do the favour. I agree. It seems like boundaries have been blurred here and the ex feels entitled to ask you to step in.