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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should stay home with her child

180 replies

HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 07:26

I'm home with a sick 1 year old who's unable to go to nursery, I've been off work Monday Tuesday and today because of this.

It's my DSDs time with her mum today, tomorrow and Friday (50:50) and she has rang my husband this morning at work to say DSD is poorly and can I look after her as I'm off work anyway and she has to go to work (erm so do I?!)

I've said no.

Firstly, it sounds like DSD has something different she's vomitting whereas DS has Covid like symptoms (although negative test). No sick but temp, cough, cold, and very clingy, and no sleep 😭. Could be the same thing but doesn't sound it and no way I want DS getting something else on top if I can help it nor do I want to spend the day clearing up another child's sick when I'm already knackered.

And secondly, her mum has made our life difficult on so many occasions I just have no interest in doing anything for her tbh.

I've said to DH she should take the day off herself for her child like I've had to with DS, considering its her day too.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 18/05/2022 09:43

I think the mum is VU for suggesting that her kid with D&V should go and potentially infect you and your child. Also suspect that her child would rather be with her mum if she’s feeling so ill.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/05/2022 09:46

That's just something you have to deal with when you sign up for having kids though. I still think all these excuses are pathetic.

Agree 💯

'My DH can't stand the smell of vomit' 🤦🏻‍♀️ ffs

Cos the rest of us love it, right?

EarringsandLipstick · 18/05/2022 09:47

Its unfathomable to me that it's considered better for TWO women to miss work rather than ONE man. I just can't get past that

Did you miss the part where he took 10 days off to mind both such children recently?

Don't be so ridiculous.

EarringsandLipstick · 18/05/2022 09:48

Where is the dad in this?

Where is your reading comprehension in this? The thread has moved on somewhat.

Arenanewbie · 18/05/2022 09:58

I’m with you OP, mixing sick children is not a good idea, you do it for your own if there is no other way but in this case there is. Also you are tired yourself and it’s not your responsibility anyway and not as you want to do a favour for whatever reason.
Hope both DS and DSD are better soon.

Workawayxx · 18/05/2022 10:01

YANBU. Aside from anything else, keeping the vomiting bug contained to one household (and as far away from the 1 year old as possible) is just common sense surely?! It's a really unfair thing to ask specifically because of the nature of the illness let alone the rest of it. Also with just a1 year old at least you'll presumably have some nap time to catch up with work etc.

saraclara · 18/05/2022 10:10

ArcheryAnnie · 18/05/2022 09:37

I read them. The OP is still posting about a situation where two separate women are looking after sick children, and there is bad feeling being occasioned because one woman won't look after a sick child that's not hers (perfectly reasonable), when the DP could look after both. Then that's only one set of missed work days there, and each sick child is with their dad.

Show quote history

You read them and yet still asked where the dad is in this? Your reading comprehension must be stunningly poor.

The dad is at work, trying to keep his job after taking ten days off to care for both his kids when they were sick (including the time when his ex would normally have their child).

Good work on a great attempt to make him the baddie in this though. Even though the only person in this story who has not yet looked after their own sick child, is the ex.

toddlingabout · 18/05/2022 10:12

Why don't you offer to share it with her! Her sick kid with you one day and yours goes to hers for another day, so you also don't lose a day's pay. She could actually be worried about not having enough money to pay rent if she's taking unpaid leave for a sick kid - is she a single parent? She may not like having to ask, but have no choice (and that comes across as being a CF).

However, you can just say you're not feeling well, so you can't have both as you don't feel up to it. As much as she can ask (and may or may not feel bad about asking), you don't have to accept what she is proposing (you can say no and also not feel bad about doing it). It doesn't work for you, so it's a 'no'.

Original poster
HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 10:15

Her sick kid with you one day and yours goes to hers for another day, so you also don't lose a day's pay.

I would never leave my child with her, not a chance! Certainly not when they needed caring for!

OP posts:
Davros · 18/05/2022 10:19

I think you've done the right thing

powershowerforanhour · 18/05/2022 10:20

"Covid makes children vomit."

So does, for example, norovirus. Vomiting is a very non specific sign and with many V+/D+ bugs the vomiting starts before the person breaks with diarrhoea. Children don't have as good as an immune system as adults anyway, let alone when their immune system is trying to cope with a pre existing virus. Putting a respiratory virus child in the same house as a gastrointestinal virus child, nursed by an adult with the respiratory virus, is really not a good idea if there is any other option available.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 18/05/2022 10:21

Why don't you offer to share it with her! Her sick kid with you one day and yours goes to hers for another day, so you also don't lose a day's pay.

It's posts like this that make me realise why a lot of people think that MN is full of batshit crazy individuals. You'd leave your sick 1 yo with a complete stranger who you don't particularly like or trust?!

Youseethethingis1 · 18/05/2022 10:29

I can't imagine sending my sick 1 year old to be cared for by some random woman from my DHs past. It's unthinkable. I don't even like my own mother getting too involved when DS is sick, that's my job.

aSofaNearYou · 18/05/2022 10:32

Christ no! It would be a cheeky but somewhat understandable request if they both had colds, totally out of order given she is vomiting. Absolutely no way would I consider this, the cheek of it.

SpaceMaaaaan · 18/05/2022 10:34

toddlingabout · 18/05/2022 10:12

Why don't you offer to share it with her! Her sick kid with you one day and yours goes to hers for another day, so you also don't lose a day's pay. She could actually be worried about not having enough money to pay rent if she's taking unpaid leave for a sick kid - is she a single parent? She may not like having to ask, but have no choice (and that comes across as being a CF).

However, you can just say you're not feeling well, so you can't have both as you don't feel up to it. As much as she can ask (and may or may not feel bad about asking), you don't have to accept what she is proposing (you can say no and also not feel bad about doing it). It doesn't work for you, so it's a 'no'.

That's utterly ridiculous. Why would OP ever send her child to the ex's house? This isn't some kind of large family with 3 adults who all share care for all the kids. There is absolutely no need for Op's could to EVER be near the ex. I deliberately make sure my child is never on drop offs etc as the ex was abusive in the past and I don't want my child exposed to her. And tough if she's worried about rent that is not OP's problem.

cadburyegg · 18/05/2022 10:37

YANBU

Single mum here. I would never expect a partner of my ex's to look after one of our poorly children, especially if it's not even in his contact time. Tbh even if it came to my ex's contact time, if they were still poorly I'd suggest they stay here rather than moving them to another house when they're feeling ill.

The children come first

TulaOfDarkWater · 18/05/2022 10:38

Why do you keep going on and on about ‘Mum’s Time’ you do know parenting doesn’t stop just because of a timetable right?

Isn’t it ironic then, that Mum wants OP to look after sick DSD i.e. take over her parenting responsibility, so she can still go to work aka sticking to her own regular timetable.

ladybugcatnoir1 · 18/05/2022 10:39

Absolutely insane the amount of people who immediately assume that op must be wrong because she's a step mother.

Imagine it's dads week, and child gets sick and ex wife has another sick child at home that new husband has taken time off to look after.

Would everyone be spouting that as the ex wife has responsibility for 2 families, dad should send sick child back to mums for her new husband to look after? No. Or that ex wife should be the one off with both kids instead? No.

Samarie123 · 18/05/2022 10:43

YANBU I wouldn’t do it either, whether she was sick or not. Sounds like you need rest instead of two sick children to deal with.

It’s good to stick to your guns on this. She sounds like a right CF

SleepingStandingUp · 18/05/2022 10:50

5128gap · 18/05/2022 09:21

Its unfathomable to me that it's considered better for TWO women to miss work rather than ONE man. I just can't get past that. I get he has taken time off, but unlike you and his ex, he has two families, so to me that's double the responsibility. Which presumably he knew when he had an additional child.

DC2 was sick, stayed with Dad
Dc1 was sick, stayed with Dad
Dc2 was sick, stayed with Mom
Dc1 is sick, should stay with Mom.

But by your logic is should be Dc2 Dad, dc1 dad, dc2 dad, dc1 dad, DC 2 mom, DC 1 mom, dc2 Dad, DC 1 Dad etc as having two "families" he should do twice as mic has either other parent. How does that make sense?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/05/2022 10:50

I think YANBU and she's taking the piss. It's also not very fair on her own DD - most kids want their mum (or possibly their Dad) when they're sick!

Stick to your guns.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/05/2022 10:53

Crazykatie · 18/05/2022 08:40

To be honest although I expected my husband to do his share of parenting, with a sick child I always took the day off myself because I am the best carer ( most women are) husband coping with vomiting would worry me about the mess when I got home.

What happens if he ever becomes a single parent? Or you end up in hospital for a few months? Why can't he clean up after himself?

TheAverageUser · 18/05/2022 10:56

YANBU as you say you can't have your daughter (or hers) catching two different things at the same time but also I can't imagine sending either of mine to someone else when they're sick and need taking care of (except family).

JudgeJ · 18/05/2022 11:03

PAFMO · 18/05/2022 07:29

Not wanting 2 potentially infectious children under the same roof is not U , no.

Your attitude to your step-daughter's mother, however, is.

Maybe your husband, the father could step up?

Nothing wrong with the OP's 'attitude' to her step children. Had a friend of the OP phoned with the same request and been refused there would not have been any problem! If the mother has been difficult no-one should be bending over to appease her.

Brefugee · 18/05/2022 11:06

I always took the day off myself because I am the best carer ( most women are)

Get back to the 1950s with this bullshit.
I read the SM threads and i wonder who all the anti-SM are. Are you the mum who would do this? (ie make the new wife's life difficult then want her to look after your vomity child?) I would really love to know the thinking behind it.

TBH i would expect that the mum looks after the DSD until it is Dad's turn then comes over to the Dad's place. (Saturday, right? probably she'll be over it by then - if not it's hospital time anyway).

I don't know many step-families, and one of the ones i know all live next to each other and have very fluid arrangements about where the children sleep and all go on holiday together. Which is a bit batshit but works for them. But that means i don't know if rigid Mum-time and Dad-time and never the twain shall meet is normal or not.

I would not be looking after a vomity kid that hadn't been baked in my own lady oven though. Urgh.