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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should stay home with her child

180 replies

HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 07:26

I'm home with a sick 1 year old who's unable to go to nursery, I've been off work Monday Tuesday and today because of this.

It's my DSDs time with her mum today, tomorrow and Friday (50:50) and she has rang my husband this morning at work to say DSD is poorly and can I look after her as I'm off work anyway and she has to go to work (erm so do I?!)

I've said no.

Firstly, it sounds like DSD has something different she's vomitting whereas DS has Covid like symptoms (although negative test). No sick but temp, cough, cold, and very clingy, and no sleep 😭. Could be the same thing but doesn't sound it and no way I want DS getting something else on top if I can help it nor do I want to spend the day clearing up another child's sick when I'm already knackered.

And secondly, her mum has made our life difficult on so many occasions I just have no interest in doing anything for her tbh.

I've said to DH she should take the day off herself for her child like I've had to with DS, considering its her day too.

OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 18/05/2022 07:48

I understand not wanting to catch a sick bug but from your post it sounds like the step daughter was with you yesterday and the day before?? If so she caught the big while she was at yours so is either got the same thing but different symptoms or she’s spread it all to you anyway! So on that basis info was going to be home I would help out.
I do agree that maybe it’s time for the father to take a day or two off. That’s what me and DH do. We alternate depending on who did it last time/yesterday and who has what on at work that they can’t miss. To be honest now that DH mostly works from home and the kids are that much older they generally stay home with him!

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 18/05/2022 07:49

Howyiz · 18/05/2022 07:28

Or your DH could take the day off and mind both his children.

Seems like the perfect solution to me!

oatlattetogo · 18/05/2022 07:51

Swayingpalmtrees · 18/05/2022 07:44

Dh should be taking the day off to look after both of his children!

Why are you having to take 3 days off, and similarly dsd's mother?

You are both focused on the wrong thing, meanwhile dh's career remains totally uninterrupted and he skips away without a care in the world, despite being the father to both children. Grotesquely unfair.

I’m not sure it’s fair to say that the OP’s husband needs to take the day off to look after his oldest child. It’s her first day of being unwell so it’s not like her mum has already had several days off with her and is worried about getting into trouble at work. And with a 50/50 (ish) split I would assume, within reason, that each parent would take time off to look after the children during ‘their’ time.

Original poster
HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 07:51

Swayingpalmtrees · 18/05/2022 07:44

Dh should be taking the day off to look after both of his children!

Why are you having to take 3 days off, and similarly dsd's mother?

You are both focused on the wrong thing, meanwhile dh's career remains totally uninterrupted and he skips away without a care in the world, despite being the father to both children. Grotesquely unfair.

This really isn't true. My husband has been off recently with BOTH of them when they had Covid (half of which was during mum's time).

OP posts:
SameToo · 18/05/2022 07:52

Why should DH take time off work? It’s the mothers time with DSD she should take the time off work. Bizzare.

Mixing two kids with two different illnesses is stupid.

Lollypop701 · 18/05/2022 07:53

yo dsd has different symptoms and I wouldn’t choose to look after a clingy ill 1 yo whilst cleaning up sick and just counting the hours till we all had it. So I wouldn’t have dh doing it either. Her mum needs to do it on this occasion Yanbu.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 18/05/2022 07:54

I feel so sorry for children who have to deal with all this "tit for tat" bullshit. Petty, pathetic adults acting like kids.

Palavah · 18/05/2022 07:56

How does your husband's ex even know that your child is ill/you are off work?

Knittingchamp · 18/05/2022 07:57

MacaroniBaloney · 18/05/2022 07:42

Love how your DH has the mothers of his kids in an internal squabble. What day is he taking/taken off this week? Then you can both work?

This is the reality for women and work, isn't it? For all the talk of progress, glass ceilings and whatever else, this mindset is still everywhere and it's very very strong.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 18/05/2022 07:58

Maybe she has a “big project” on at work 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fuck me though. Imagine your parents being this petty. “But it’s not my daaaaay 😩”

Poor kid must feel really good.

Original poster
HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 07:59

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 18/05/2022 07:58

Maybe she has a “big project” on at work 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fuck me though. Imagine your parents being this petty. “But it’s not my daaaaay 😩”

Poor kid must feel really good.

Maybe she does. Not seeing why that's my problem. She would never do it the other way round.

And we aren't like that, I've said already my DH stayed home with her last time she was ill including over days she should have been with her mum. Why is it always him who should stay home in your mind?

OP posts:
NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 18/05/2022 07:59

Love the mumsnet immediately jumping on the husband hate bandwagon, when they have no idea what the arrangements are and whether he has already taken time off for them recently. Hmm

Original poster
HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 08:00

Knittingchamp · 18/05/2022 07:57

This is the reality for women and work, isn't it? For all the talk of progress, glass ceilings and whatever else, this mindset is still everywhere and it's very very strong.

Show quote history

I've already explained why we've done it like this this time. He took nearly 10 days off recently with both of them!

OP posts:
DDivaStar · 18/05/2022 08:00

I could see the logic of having both if you think they have the same thing, would expect her to reciprocate tho....

I certainly wouldn't be exposing you and 1 Yr old to a sickness bug if avoidable.

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 18/05/2022 08:01

I have an acquaintance who refused to pick her sick daughter up from school when they phoned because “it’s his day, not my day, and I need my time”. Dad couldn’t get away and sent his new girlfriend to pick the girl up.

A win for mum, eh? what kind of parents are these that would rather their daughter be picked up by a virtual stranger when she’s sick?

BananaShrimp · 18/05/2022 08:01

Not your child, not your problem.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/05/2022 08:02

YANBU.

Whatever the relationship, I wouldn't subject an ill one year old to exposure to a vomiting bug when they were already ill. They can still get poorly quite quickly at that age

Swayingpalmtrees · 18/05/2022 08:02

You are not obliged to take this on op.

If your dh has actually been pulling his weight at other times. Of course you should not take on another sick child as well. Why are you even doubting yourself? You have said she isn't helpful or kind to you, and that she would never help you out, so why would you do it for her?? Stands to reason that she should deal with this, as it is her turn to look after her own child.

I would shut down the conversation, concentrate on looking after your own child and think no more about it.

Original poster
HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 08:03

WeOnlyTalkAboutBruno · 18/05/2022 08:01

I have an acquaintance who refused to pick her sick daughter up from school when they phoned because “it’s his day, not my day, and I need my time”. Dad couldn’t get away and sent his new girlfriend to pick the girl up.

A win for mum, eh? what kind of parents are these that would rather their daughter be picked up by a virtual stranger when she’s sick?

What are you rambling about? I've said that we don't do that and I've given a very recent example where DH looked after DSD during mum's time when she was ill.

I don't see why she should never have to though? My husband cant always be the one off ill with the kids, why should he be?

OP posts:
Original poster
HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 08:05

Why are you even doubting yourself? You have said she isn't helpful or kind to you, and that she would never help you out, so why would you do it for her??

She likes to lay the guilt on thick when she doesn't get own way so it does make you doubt yourself sometimes!

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/05/2022 08:05

NotMyselfWithoutCoffee · 18/05/2022 07:59

Love the mumsnet immediately jumping on the husband hate bandwagon, when they have no idea what the arrangements are and whether he has already taken time off for them recently. Hmm

Yep, especially when OP has said several times that he's taken a lot of time off to look after both kids recently.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 18/05/2022 08:08

She only asked. If you don’t want to do it then don’t but there’s no need for it to be a big drama where you bring up everything she’s ever done wrong.

SpaceMaaaaan · 18/05/2022 08:10

HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 07:51

This really isn't true. My husband has been off recently with BOTH of them when they had Covid (half of which was during mum's time).

Show quote history

In light of this then I think its up to you and DH who looks after your child in a way that is fair for you and your employers. His other child is not your problem, if DH decides to look after both kids that's up to him. Who is saying YABU? Is it his ex? She has no right to demand any of your time.

Swayingpalmtrees · 18/05/2022 08:10

Who is she making feeling guilty?

This is not your problem at all.

For the sake of your own young child I would not be compounding his illness with a sickness bug on top, he could become very unwell at that age. Why expose him to another illness that could be avoided? There is no way I would do that for anyone, even for a very close family member or friend. Children at that age can become very ill with sickness bugs, and if he is already fighting off another virus.

You don't need to feel guilty, dsd needs to stay at home and well away from ds.

SpaceMaaaaan · 18/05/2022 08:11

HomeSick2 · 18/05/2022 08:05

Why are you even doubting yourself? You have said she isn't helpful or kind to you, and that she would never help you out, so why would you do it for her??

She likes to lay the guilt on thick when she doesn't get own way so it does make you doubt yourself sometimes!

She's a right CF and should be embarrassed of herself. Unless she's offering to pay you like any other childminder.