To be disappointed that DD won’t get a surprise proposal

[Bluebellewoods]

DD is 28 and has been in a relationship with her partner for around a year and a half. They’ve been living together for some time and she tells me they are very happy together. I think the thought of turning 30 in a couple of years has been a big turning point for DD as she’s expressed her desire to get married and think about having children, as she feels time is running out somewhat.

DD tells me that she has decided it’s time to have a chat with her partner about her desire to get married and discuss and agree a timescale for doing so. I can’t help but feel a little sad that in essentially orchestrating her own engagement, DD will lose out on the special surprise moment of a traditional proposal which so many young women get to experience and cherish, which I’d hate for her to miss out on due to her impatience.

DD asked me for my advice on how she should best approach the conversation and I said I’d give it some thought. What I really want to say to her is just wait, she’s still so young and has so much time! I’d understand if DD had been waiting for years, but their relationship is still relatively new and I don’t think rushing an engagement at this time and sacrificing the traditional surprise is justified. AIBU?

YABU OP, they are living together so it’s hardly going to be a surprise is it. We were living together, I said to DH I would like to get married when we were doing the washing up together! Doesn’t get more romantic than that! As long as your DD is happy, just relax.

I am slightly older than your DD and have had this conversation with my partner of 7 years. We both know that we are going to get engaged and married soon, that is not to say that the proposal won't be a surprise! Also, I think it is completely reasonable of her to have this conversation with her boyfriend, after all it is her life and potentially their joint life together so it is good to know that they are both on the same page.
I am sure she will love the proposal whenever and however it happens.

My husband did the whole surprise thing, on the basis that was expected and I thought would be what I wanted. We both just cringe inside out now. I'm the breadwinner and organiser control freak in the family, it made absolutely no sense in the context of our relationship. Feels bizarre thinking about it, that we started off in a way that is so completely not who we both are.

You are sad that your daughter is taking control of her own happiness? Sad that she believes her own decision to want marriage is as valid as a man's? Sad she won't wait passively and hope he feels the same?

Is this a wind up? I really hope it is.

She sounds like she's in charge of her life and not a passive idiot. Lucky partner.

Having a conversation about the future and discussing getting married doesn’t mean she can’t have a nice proposal.
Before me and DH got engaged we’d discussed what we wanted in the future. We wanted a house, a wedding, children - all that stuff. It’s important to know if you want the same things before you get married or but a house.
I knew we would get married but my proposal was still a lovely surprise (I had an idea but wasn’t 100% sure when then time came). It was still romantic, still a surprise and still wonderful. Don’t feel bad for her, if this is what she wants.

How ridiculous!

Plenty of people including most women want to try living with someone before they decide whether to commit to marriage!

I just got engaged this weekend. I had multiple talks with partner, an agreement that he'd propose by a certain point (dec 22), and we looked at rings together a few times to work out what we both liked and didnt like and what my ring size was. It also gave him time to save up for the ring since we also just bought a house together which wiped savings.

It was still a surprise! I'd not been expecting it til later in the year as that was the timeline we had agreed so I didnt feel nervous it was never happening and he had time to save and plan.

Honestly I dont know anyone my age where the proposal was a complete surprise. Do you really want your daughter to have 10 seconds to decide if she wants to marry a person if she's not given it serious thought before/thought it was a bit early? Most people decide together they're ready to get married and then just the when of the symbolic ritual tends to be a surprise and planned by one person.

I can't think of anything worse than having the pressure of a surprise proposal. This happened recently to someone I know, with her parents looking on recording the whole thing. I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so mortified. She honestly looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her up. I'd much rather have the discussion and make sure we're both on the same page. Your DD sounds very sensible

Please do not embarrass your daughter. Y voicing these thoughts. My daughter would just cringe at the thought of me wanting a surprise proposal. Coupes are partnerships not princes and sleeping beauty.

I totally agree. I would find a total "surprise" proposal utterly cringeworthy and frankly a bit controlling. For someone to assume that you want to marry them without it apparently crossing their mind to wonder if you actually do is grossly entitled and selfish.

FWIW I also think only a minute amount of "proposals" are genuine surprises. In the vast majority of modern relationships its discussed beforehand and if you are the sort of person who wants the whole Disney princess fandangle you will probably have been dropping hints (or having tantrums) for years before the "surprise proposal" actually materialises.

I think they should be a thing of the past.

Surprise or attention seeking proposals aren't really a thing anymore.

Social Media posts of a hand with a ring on it saying ' Well this happened this weekend' are extremely cringe as well.

I've never understand why an agreement for something so important as getting married has to originate with a ' surprise' anyway. Isn't that a bit ridiculous when you think it about?

YABU OP. She is very mature.

I told DH I wanted to get married and said I needed to know where we were going before we bought a new house. It was still a surprise as I didn't know when/where he'd do it.

Most people know anyway because they do it in fancy restaurants/holidays - that's my worst nightmare.

18 months is more than enough for your DD to have decided what she wants and to take steps to make that happen.
Surprise proposals come from the era when men had to ask fathers for their daughter's hand in marriage and visited only on a Sunday afternoon.

My husband did a big, romantic proposal (at the summit of Kilimanjaro, natch) which was a surprise inasmuch as I didn't know he was going to propose at that moment (although had definitely speculated with my friends in advance...).

But we'd been together for over two years, were living together and had had plenty of serious conversations about our future and the fact that we both wanted marriage and children.

Whatever form the proposal itself takes, I think it would be really foolish for any couple to leap into matrimony without having discussed it first. OP, your daughter sounds entirely sensible. I actually broke up with my ex when I was 29 because we'd begun to have the 'marriage and kids' talk and doing so made me realise that, although I really wanted both those things, I absolutely didn't want them with him.

A very ‘New’ relationship of just 18 months is quite soon to be thinking of marriage.

she’s still so young and has so much time!

YABU for thinking this.

She is dead right.

For what it's worth, I had a conversation with my now husband before we moved in together, expressing that I did not want to live with somebody with whom I did not have a concrete - i.e. married - future. He agreed, and we moved in.

Then maybe about 6 or so months later, I said that, abstractly speaking, I wanted to get married in the not too distant future, and definitely in my 20's. He said that, abstractly speaking, he had always rather imagined going down on one knee etc., and also quite fancied getting married young. We were both content with that conversation, and then a few months later he proposed in a very muddy field, as you do. It was all very romantic.

You can make your intentions and needs very clear while still leaving your partner some wiggle room.

Friends of ours got married recently, and she had made it very clear that she wanted a baby in the next 2 years, and wanted to be married before she had a baby or bought a house together. He got the message and proposed a few months later with the whole surprise/down one knee (also in a field, as it happens!) shebang, they got married and the baby is due imminently, all on schedule.

You can't faff around having babies, buying houses, giving up work and financial security all while waiting patiently for your partner to read your mind.

*If you are the sort of person who wants the whole Disney princess fandangle you will probably have been dropping hints (or having tantrums) for years before the "surprise proposal" actually materialises.

I think they should be a thing of the past*.

Absolutely agree.
The three divorced men I know well were all pushed into marriage by nagging, pressure, coercion, and yes, tearful scenes.

In all three cases, the couple lived together with joint mortgages, yet “Marriage” was only really wanted by the women.

All three had lovely weddings.

Divorce is stressful, expensive and upsetting, and can be avoided by not marrying in the first place.

She's 28, not a teenager. She's absolutely right to make sure that everybody is on the same page. If he's all "oh I don't believe in marriage... I'm a free spirit... my parents had a really bad marriage and I'm now dead set against it on principle... you know I love you, right?" then she can get out now before she wastes any more time on him.

I wouldn't - didn't! - wait even as long as 18 months to check that everybody is more or less in agreement in principle. She's not locking him in the bathroom until he agrees to go down to the town hall on Saturday.

If you look at how many threads are started by women who have had a couple of kids, given up work, live in a house they don't own and are still waiting for Sir Galahad to put on his armour and get down on one knee (not sure how you do that in armour) I think she is being eminently sensible in checking they are both going in the same direction. If they are, still plenty of ways to have the fluffy bits.

What does it matter to you? It's her life, not yours and she obviously is doing things differently to you, doesn't make it less exciting to her or her boyfriend. Let her live her life her way, if she makes mistakes, so be it. They're her mistakes and choices to make, not yours.

I didn't have a fancy surprise proposal. DH and I had a discussion about where our relationship was heading and ultimately came to the decision that we would like to get married. I don't feel like I missed out at all.

Good for your daughter, taking control of her own life instead of waiting around for what may or may not happen.

A proposal without having discussed the idea of marriage is a bizarre idea and a very bad one.

You're right OP - a woman receiving the traditional 'surprise proposal' from a man is much, MUCH more important than her being able to use her own intelligence & personal agency.

Just like the Big Day & all its ludicrously expensive trappings is far more important than several decades of marriage.

It's also very important that the bride-to-be's mother is happy about the style of proposal. Not much else matters really. Why should the mother of the bride have to tolerate a sub-par non-traditional proposal? The bride-to-be shouldn't expect to lead her own life in the way she chooses - after all, she is only a proxy for her mother's wishes ...