To be disappointed that DD won’t get a surprise proposal

[Bluebellewoods]

DD is 28 and has been in a relationship with her partner for around a year and a half. They’ve been living together for some time and she tells me they are very happy together. I think the thought of turning 30 in a couple of years has been a big turning point for DD as she’s expressed her desire to get married and think about having children, as she feels time is running out somewhat.

DD tells me that she has decided it’s time to have a chat with her partner about her desire to get married and discuss and agree a timescale for doing so. I can’t help but feel a little sad that in essentially orchestrating her own engagement, DD will lose out on the special surprise moment of a traditional proposal which so many young women get to experience and cherish, which I’d hate for her to miss out on due to her impatience.

DD asked me for my advice on how she should best approach the conversation and I said I’d give it some thought. What I really want to say to her is just wait, she’s still so young and has so much time! I’d understand if DD had been waiting for years, but their relationship is still relatively new and I don’t think rushing an engagement at this time and sacrificing the traditional surprise is justified. AIBU?

If a proposal is a surprise, then is it really what someone wants? Women should be taking charge of their lives. I've been married 30 years. No proposal, we just had a discussion instigated by me and agreed it was what we wanted to do.I remember my friend had a fancy romantic proposal on a trip on the Orient Express - I imagine that was fun, but she guessed long before.

This with bells on. I worked with a young woman who did the dog agility stuff at crufts. Her boyfriend proposed to her in the huge ring at Crufts in front of hundreds of people. He presented her with a Tiffany ring ( except it wasn't. He had bought a ring from elsewhere and a Tiffany box from ebay). She said yes and everyone cheered. She said no as soon as the show was over. She said it was always a no but she couldn't do that in the situation because it would have embarrassed both of them

My husband and I went to our nearest Next so I could change a pair of trousers. We passed an antique shop with a beautiful engagement ring in the window. He said "Well if you like it ,you should have it". It needed resizing so after thst was done he asked me properly and then we went to watch the Christmas lights switched on in our town. We saw a lot of people we knew. There was a lot of hugging and shrieking. It was lovely, not planned and real. We have been married for 20 years.

Is your daughter a Disney Princess? Is this the Victorian age? Do you live in a Jane Austen book?

No, no, no! Your daughter is a modern woman taking control of her own destiny, and you should be very proud of her. She’s not some submissive little woman waiting around for a man to deem her worthy. Good for her!

By the way I got engaged 30 years ago and would have cringed to death if I’d had a surprise proposal!

You sound very old fashioned.

What a load of shite. Perhaps you also expect her boyfriend to ask her father for her hand in marriage.

Your life is clearly ruined. You have amounted to nothing.
Still, while you're waiting for a prince , crack on and have the ball I dare say you are having. 😁

Oh your poor daughter, how sad for her. Fancy not sitting there waiting on a man to prove her worthiness to her by proposing. How dare she take control of her own life, be open about her needs with her partner and find the best way forward together. Doesn't she know real Princesses never make their needs important???

This.
What century are you living in?!
She's 28, she can make her own decisions.
Dread to think what you'll be like when planning the wedding and having kids.

Just be happy that she's happy and stop wanting your strong daughter to revert to outdated traditions.

Absolutely this.

Imagine thinking it has anything to do with you. She sounds sensible. You sound stuck in the past.

Of course she could just keep her mouth shut and wait, and wait, and wait, and end up pushing 40 with the sand well and truly running out in her biological clock before he leaves her for someone 25 and immediately knocks out a couple of kids.

Your DD is doing a mature, empowered and sensible thing. You're being a bit silly.

@Doggydarling I admired a ring in a shop window while on honeymoon, my husband secretly took a photo of the shop and the ring, on our first anniversary he gave me the ring, he had contacted the shop after the honeymoon and bought the ring, he held on to it for a year so he could surprise me, no photos taken, no fb posts, no witnesses, I'll take that over a proposal any time.

Now, that is romantic. Your husband has class!

Your DD: I want to take control of my life and make plans for my future
You: it makes me feel sad that you won't wait around for a man to do the planning for you.

Ridiculous. This has actually made me feel quite angry. I really hope that you haven't said it out loud to your DD.

I think these days girls know what they want from a rl .they are sensible and need to know what to expect. Lots on here of waiting until forever only to be let down by partner .just a how do you see our future together. That will be an opener and can discuss from there.

Yanbu but it’s her own fault for moving in with him. I think your gut tells you he’s probably not really valuing her so you’re real disappointment is in that.

Some young women dream of a surprise engagement... and some women dread it. I would have found it all a bit mortifying to be honest. There's nothing wrong with taking responsibility for her own future, instead of waiting and hoping it will happen.

If your DD sensibly wants to get married before having children it makes sense for her to raise the subject

marriage isn’t always the sensible thing. If she has far more assets/earning power and intends to continue working after children financially she may be better off not getting married.

YABVU. We had discussed marriage etc before getting engaged. Proposal wasn't out the blue but I'd left the details up to DP and it was still super special. Your Dd can still have a special moment but her approach is sensible.

You're focusing on the wrong thing, getting caught up in the fluff and you sound a bit silly. If my mother had been like you I'd have rolled my eyes. My mother is thankfully more sensible & practical.

I didn't have a surprise proposal or even an engagement ring. We talked about getting married and if it was what we wanted and then we went ahead and planned the wedding together. When I hear other people's engagement stories, sometimes I feel a little 'aww I wish we'd done that' but only in the same way I feel a pang when I hear a great holiday story or cute childhood story. I don't resent not having a traditional proposal because the goal for us was ultimately to get married- I don't think there is a 'right' way to do it but if your daughter is happy then I think it's fine.

Your daughter sounds very sensible.
The 'traditional' proposal is very outdated imo. It's far more sensible to have a conversation about your future and plan it together.

Although you'd hate me - no proposal and we got married in secret one random Monday morning.
It was perfect.

DH & I planned our relationship progress and a rough timetable for buying a house, getting married, kids etc but I was still surprised by his proposal (the only truly romantic thing he's done in 22yrs)
Just because we had decided together didn't make that actual moment any less special.

I think most people probably have this conversation with their SO before a proposal comes along. I can't see any harm in them having a chat about where she would like to be in a few years time and then he can still be left to propose when he is ready. If their plans don't align, it's better that she knows this now rather than waiting for a surprise proposal and never getting it.

My brother did the down on his knee proposal one summer night in Rome by the Colliseum with jasmin aroma in the air and Italian music in the far away background. His girlfriend loved it, and he knew she would. But they had also had the coversation on whether they were on the same page and what the future looked like. This was 2015. So you can have both and that is ok. I think your daughter has the right idea. Why be disapointed for her whe she herself isnt disapointed?

I genuinely think the most romantic thing a couple can do is to sit down, as equals, and openly discuss their wants and needs and how they work together to forge a life where they can both be happy.

Surprise proposals are more about fairy tales (for me) and they are nothing like real life - nor would we really want them to be.

But I may be influenced by everyone I've known and - genuinely - everyone with a 'surprise' type of proposal has had a difficult marriage and then a divorce. The couples I know that have had happy lives together have been the ones that talked about when they wanted to get married as a joint decision and discussion. That sense of working together has run through their partnership all the way.

OP either sitting back tittering or clutching her pearls whilst adjusting her girdle.

1. They haven’t been together long.
2. Why can’t she propose if she’s so bothered about being married? She could give HIM the spontaneous proposal.
3. It’s none of your business!!

I'm really hoping OP isn't for real. I agree with every word you say.