To expect a real apology? Reposting for traffic

[danny735]

My DH was at the FA Cup final yesterday. Football is a huge hobby for him and he's had a season ticket for his club since he was a child.

We had a DD, 8 months old and he hasn't been able to go as much since she arrived. He's a good dad and he's very hands on but I will say he seems to be struggling since she was born. He doesn't stay in control of his emotions (whereas before DD he was my rock and showed high emotional intelligence).

He's been lashing out a lot but more than that hasn't showed the ability to take responsibility for his actions. He tends to externalise blame. We are in couples therapy already. I understand that he needs outlets and he was very much looking forward to the match yesterday. I've been unwell this weekend with a bad cold and DD is teething. I assured him he should still go, it was just a cold and whilst I felt a bit miserable I was able to look after DD. I left him through it throughout the day - just sending occasional pictures or videos of DD like I normally would. He left the house at 12:30 and was home at 9:30. I asked him to bring me a bar of chocolate. He messaged to say he was walking up from the station (an 8 minute walk) but didn't get home for another 20 minutes. I said "What took you so long?" He immediately flared up, swore at me and told me to "fuck off and go away" as well as another below the belt comment.

This morning he externalised blame - apparently his reaction/ swearing was because I asked him "What took you so long?" when he was still on the doorstep. He will apologise in one breath and externalise blame in the next which makes it quite difficult to accept the apology. He will then say "I should only have to apologise once". He didn't give any thought to the fact that I might have been exhausted from looking after a teething baby all day while feeling unwell. He didn't ask how I was feeling - he started swearing so I went to bed. When I suggested this morning that he had been taking his disappointment that his team lost out on me - he hotly disagreed. I was trying to understand his behaviour/ reaction but he just seems to take it as a slight.

What upsets me the most was the contempt in his voice / body language last night. Is it unreasonable to expect a meaningful apology?

I think your DH spoke to you very rudely and for that he should apologise.

However

• you speak a lot about not having friends/ family near you and him being “your rock”. That is quite a lot of presssure to put on someone. Is there anything you can do to develop a network or an interest of your own?
• your use of “counselling speak”/phrases would really annoy me I am sorry.
• it is annoying to be jumped on with complaints the minute you get in.

Yes but she says in her post title she’s reposting it for traffic and she only got one response on that post so presumably was looking for a wider range of views.

Have you ever been his biggest cheerleader?
Yes, he was wrong to swear but did you have to start on him as soon as he got in? Agree with others that he was gutted and you were ill. You both need to move on. Or call it a day

Sending photos and videos whilst he out and then questioning why
he is 12 mins late, I would be telling you where to go as well.
Could he not just have have some enjoyment?

I agree with this tbh. He was 12 minutes later than you thought he would be, and you decided to say that to him before he was even through the door when his team had just lost.

He shouldn't have shouted or sworn at you. But FFS let the man get in the door. Most people would be immediately annoyed by you at that I'd think. He was probably already gutted from the game.

It sounds like you were trying to provoke an argument with him at a bad time.

I can't be doing with all this 'externalising blame'/'biggest cheerleader'/'apologising meaningfully' bollocks. It's painfully cringeworthy.

My husband and I both have a bit of a problem with "externalising blame" as you say it. It's come about for good reasons related to our childhoods.

Knowing this about each other, what we don't do is badger each other for apologies. We understand that certain times and circumstances we might overreact, and give the other person even a few minutes to cool off.

Then the apology comes naturally, whilst demanding it just exacerbates the situation. We also try to allow ourselves to be blamed when it IS our fault or neither of us behaved perfectly.

Did your therapist give you advice on how to handle this behaviour, and did you listen? Or did you just treat it as an explanation of why he is wrong and you are right?

You sound like you've swallows a counsellors handbook op, and could be seen as controlling at best.

This is a great post.

This. The man that swears at me gets dumped.

you parenting all day - he didn’t.

asking why it took him so long ? For gods sake was it raining - did he stop
and use a toilet - buggered if I know but you treated him like a 14 year old not 40.

this relationship has gone beyond counselling - there is no love affection friendship or anything here just resentment

Wow.

I sent a couple of pics and videos over 9 hours. He is usually delighted to receive any content of DD in his team colours.

I checked my phone and he was actually 18 mins late. He has been known to air his opinions after the football and I was genuinely concerned.

I'm really surprised that so many posters think his reaction was appropriate. I don't think shouting or swearing is appropriate in any circumstances.

Thanks to the posters who clearly read through everything. It's definitely true that's he feels pressure to emotionally support me because of my limited family support nearby.

He had lots of family support/ friends / time for hobbies but apparently it's okay for him to jump down my throat and not apologise.

The therapy speak is because we are in therapy - due to his history of avoiding any accountability. For the record -
I apologise profusely when I make a mistake and more then that do all I can not to repeat it. He's apparently incapable of this.

You are controlling and treating him like a child. I felt suffocated reading your post.

If a man was using counselling speak to put down their DP, people would call it abusive...

As for saying you're in counselling entirely because of his issues.. that just confirms it.

I feel sorry for your husband. He's has a bad day and you would have known that he wouldn't have been in the best of moods and then you stat nagging him before he has even got through the door.

Can you get back in contact with friends/family from home?

it sounds like your DH can’t handle things at the moment.

as others have touched on perhaps it was a bit much to ask him about why he took too long to get home. Sometimes it’s better to let little things go especially if things are a bit tense

Oh right. I must have missed where you apologised back for making him feel like you timed his walk from the station to the minute and that he'd not met your curfew. Which obviously you must have, as it would be very petty to say he was just annoyed his team lost.

And for the record, timing your other half and specifying that they're not "about 10 minutes late" but exactly "18 minutes late" is controlling and insane.

I checked my phone and he was actually 18 mins late. He has been known to air his opinions after the football and I was genuinely concerned.

If anything happened to him, you'd be contacted somehow. There's no need to get worried and stressed (and start questioning him) just because he was ten minutes late home.

I'm really surprised that so many posters think his reaction was appropriate. I don't think shouting or swearing is appropriate in any circumstances.

Most people have said his reaction is inappropriate, but understandable given that you jumped on him as soon as walked through the door.

I'm probably the only one but yanbu. Dh and I don't swear and speak to each other. I find that so disrespectful and vulgar. I have many times asked my dh, " what happened , why so long?". Never has my dh resorted to being so aggressive. What was the other comment op. It seems like your dh is highly frustrated. What do you think caused the change in him?

Wouldn't he have been late as he had to go to the shop for you?

It makes sense to me.

Most people have said his reaction is inappropriate, but understandable

This is literally impossible. It's one or the other.

Hmmm. I think you were both behaving badly towards eachother.

OP you know he is struggling, you know he's having a tough time.

Having a baby changes the dynamics of a relationship it's an exhausting and demanding time.

No he shouldn't swear at you, but you timed his walk home! The man was 18 minutes late not 3 hours. Perhaps next time don't jump at him when he walks through the door. Pick your battles, 18 minutes late is not a battle worth having 1+ hours yeah ok maybe. But even then is it worth it.

He didn't roll in through the door at 4am pissed up screaming the house down. He strolled back from the train station at 9pm, tired and fed up. He snapped at you, because you snapped at him. Was it appropriate no, but we've all "snapped back" when we shouldn't have. We are human.

You’re annoyed he went out. It sounds like you wanted him to decide not to and make a sacrifice to show he’s making an effort but he didn’t so you told him go reluctantly/resentfully and blamed him for agreeing.

You then let it all out when he was late walking back and here you are now.

Is the therapy working or not? If it doesn’t what will you do?

You need to own decisions like moving to London away from your friends and family, and saying you were okay with the football.

Your relationship is clearly in big trouble and if you can’t both learn to communicate more healthily it’ll be over.

FWIW I wouldn’t be with a man who got into fights about football or had a drinking problem. But it seems you knew the deal and stayed with him and chose to have a baby with him.

Absolutely this.

This