To expect a real apology? Reposting for traffic

[danny735]

My DH was at the FA Cup final yesterday. Football is a huge hobby for him and he's had a season ticket for his club since he was a child.

We had a DD, 8 months old and he hasn't been able to go as much since she arrived. He's a good dad and he's very hands on but I will say he seems to be struggling since she was born. He doesn't stay in control of his emotions (whereas before DD he was my rock and showed high emotional intelligence).

He's been lashing out a lot but more than that hasn't showed the ability to take responsibility for his actions. He tends to externalise blame. We are in couples therapy already. I understand that he needs outlets and he was very much looking forward to the match yesterday. I've been unwell this weekend with a bad cold and DD is teething. I assured him he should still go, it was just a cold and whilst I felt a bit miserable I was able to look after DD. I left him through it throughout the day - just sending occasional pictures or videos of DD like I normally would. He left the house at 12:30 and was home at 9:30. I asked him to bring me a bar of chocolate. He messaged to say he was walking up from the station (an 8 minute walk) but didn't get home for another 20 minutes. I said "What took you so long?" He immediately flared up, swore at me and told me to "fuck off and go away" as well as another below the belt comment.

This morning he externalised blame - apparently his reaction/ swearing was because I asked him "What took you so long?" when he was still on the doorstep. He will apologise in one breath and externalise blame in the next which makes it quite difficult to accept the apology. He will then say "I should only have to apologise once". He didn't give any thought to the fact that I might have been exhausted from looking after a teething baby all day while feeling unwell. He didn't ask how I was feeling - he started swearing so I went to bed. When I suggested this morning that he had been taking his disappointment that his team lost out on me - he hotly disagreed. I was trying to understand his behaviour/ reaction but he just seems to take it as a slight.

What upsets me the most was the contempt in his voice / body language last night. Is it unreasonable to expect a meaningful apology?

It was the Cup Final.

The thread is a good platform for you to push an anti football agenda though.

FWIW I think both parties have communicated poorly.

So when op has a night out with her mates, and is messaged throughout the evening by him, and met at the door with a 'where were you, it took 12 Minutes longer than I calculated for you to get home' and posts here about it, MN will tell her she's awful, and dreadful and he's right? 🤔

So boring and predictable, isn't it? I suggest the next person who has issues relating to their husband or partner going to a major football final changes it to a 2-day jolly to Silverstone, corporate tickets to the Wimbledon final or the 6 Nations because those are nice-man hobbies.

Blarting, you kinda prove my point, football obsessives get so defensive when it's suggested they give up a game every now and then.

I am not a fan of football but I think it’s important for people to have time away from their partners or children and do a hobby that they enjoy as it’s good for their MH.
I would say the same whether it was the male or female parent.

If OPs DH came on here saying she went to an event she’d been looking forward to for months and she came home a few minutes late, all of the replies would say he’s controlling and to let her breathe.

Yes. Because she has a baby at home! How very dare she!

Another day, another thread populated by unhappy arsehole attacking an OP.

@danny735 , this sounds miserable and lonely and frankly, a bit frightening. What do you mean when you say ‘lashing out’?

How does he behave around your baby?

"Attacking op" or having a different opinion? The drama llama-ness doesn't help your cause.

OP,

I am so sorry for you.

Some posts are dreadful.
Blaming you, having spent all day unwell with a teething baby.

His behaviour is appalling.

How he now speaks to you is not normal.

It absolutely is abusive, even though you don't want to admit it.

I think you need to deal with who he is now.

That is a nasty piece of work.

I think you need some legal advice.

You are very vulnerable and your MH is suffering.

Don't waste your life on an ugly man.

You cannot fix him.

He has taken his time to show you who he is.

But it is very stange that it is after having children and moving away from supports that this behaviour emerges.

You need legal advice re the money you put into your home.

You need to tell family and friends that you are being mistreated.

You need to make plans to protect yourself and your child.

Talk to Women's aid.

‘drama llama-ness’.

For defending yet another OP got at by miserable people behind keyboards. Yup.

@Herejustforthisone can you repost where op has been 'attacked'? Am sure hq will recover these attacks .

Recover? Delete!

Perhaps we need to redirect some posters to a brand new board called "IANBU" where they can all agree with the OP to their heart's content - be they unreasonable or not.

I suspect it will have a very high proportion of suggestions to LTB.

Is this a joke?
I mean, I'm on ops side here, but this is excessive!

It’s very late @MichelleScarn. I presume you’re able to read, so scan through the thread again.

However, to get you started:

I’d have told you to fuck off as well

Almost as though you acted a martyr and merrily sent him off to enjoy his hobby while you sat at home ill, with a teething baby, just waiting to punish him for his free time when he returned

Sorry but you sound a pain in the hole. Controlling and overbearing. Give him a bloody break

controlling and insane

You are controlling and treating him like a child. I felt suffocated reading your post.

Plus a good smattering of posters apologising for the verbal abuse and ‘lashing out’ of this man because she should have known he’d not be in a good mood because his football team lost. Boo-fucking-hoo.

I know that you are trying to be funny but that kind of sarcasm doesnt really help.

So you’re only allowed to come here to tear strips off OP’s, then? Or are different opinions still permitted?

Course they are. Every post is valid, obviously. Stop trying to shut other people's opinions down and we'll all be grand.

The absolute irony of calling people on the opposing side of the argument "unhappy arseholes" and then asking "are different opinions still permitted?" 😄

My opinion is that someone must be fairly unfulfilled in one or more aspects of their lives, if they spend time anonymously having a go at a woman who’s posted because her previously nice husband has become aggressive, verbally abusive and begun to ‘lash out’ since the birth of their child, as well as defending his rights to be abusive because his football team lost.

I would honestly seriously rethink my relationship if I ever came home to a man who had essentially timed my walk home from the train station and then questioned me about an extra 12 minutes.

You live in London zone 4, how far are your family and friends? Can you do your job from home or there?
You're describing a belligerent, aggressive man. Abuse often starts in pregnancy or after a baby as they have you trapped.

I actually think you should separate from him and go to therapy separately for 6 months and then see if you want to get back together.

What does all the "kicking off" and nasty comments actually look like?

She explained why

His horrible behaviour is inexcusable and tbh the victim blaming in here is sickening.

Whether or not he is mentally I’ll is beside the point. He is an adult responsible for his own behaviour. If he is unwell he needs to get himself help, that is not your responsibility.

Your responsibility is for yourself and your baby. If he is being abusive, he needs to go. Maybe that needs to happen in order for him to address his problems?

It’s like heavy drinking/any antisocial behaviour. You can’t fix it. Don’t enable it. And no you are not responsible for it, that’s on him.

Hope you're feeling better op. If I had spent the day out whilst my ill spouse was looking after my teething baby, i would be really grateful and would get back as quickly as possible.

His swearing at you is not on, he should have been grateful.

However, since he has been a good husband for so many years, it is worth continuing to get professional help.