To expect a real apology? Reposting for traffic

[danny735]

My DH was at the FA Cup final yesterday. Football is a huge hobby for him and he's had a season ticket for his club since he was a child.

We had a DD, 8 months old and he hasn't been able to go as much since she arrived. He's a good dad and he's very hands on but I will say he seems to be struggling since she was born. He doesn't stay in control of his emotions (whereas before DD he was my rock and showed high emotional intelligence).

He's been lashing out a lot but more than that hasn't showed the ability to take responsibility for his actions. He tends to externalise blame. We are in couples therapy already. I understand that he needs outlets and he was very much looking forward to the match yesterday. I've been unwell this weekend with a bad cold and DD is teething. I assured him he should still go, it was just a cold and whilst I felt a bit miserable I was able to look after DD. I left him through it throughout the day - just sending occasional pictures or videos of DD like I normally would. He left the house at 12:30 and was home at 9:30. I asked him to bring me a bar of chocolate. He messaged to say he was walking up from the station (an 8 minute walk) but didn't get home for another 20 minutes. I said "What took you so long?" He immediately flared up, swore at me and told me to "fuck off and go away" as well as another below the belt comment.

This morning he externalised blame - apparently his reaction/ swearing was because I asked him "What took you so long?" when he was still on the doorstep. He will apologise in one breath and externalise blame in the next which makes it quite difficult to accept the apology. He will then say "I should only have to apologise once". He didn't give any thought to the fact that I might have been exhausted from looking after a teething baby all day while feeling unwell. He didn't ask how I was feeling - he started swearing so I went to bed. When I suggested this morning that he had been taking his disappointment that his team lost out on me - he hotly disagreed. I was trying to understand his behaviour/ reaction but he just seems to take it as a slight.

What upsets me the most was the contempt in his voice / body language last night. Is it unreasonable to expect a meaningful apology?

I get you wanted him to hurry up and come home but a lot of people need a bit of a breather when they get in. Take coat off have a piss etc.

But he shouldn't have yelled at you no

It sounds like he’s showing you his abusive nature now you’ve had a baby

OP you are speaking of him defensively. He is being abusive and even if he is having a breakdown nothing excuses his behaviour. You are going to couples therapy because of his behaviour. An apology is not what you need. It's a clean break away from this so you are not scared in your own home. I'm sickened at the amount of posters suggesting this is your fault for asking him a question.

I would have flared up to if I got that response as I walked through the door. It shows you were clock watching. An extra 10 minutes or so isn’t even a thing I would notice. I would just assume he had bumped into someone on the street and was having a chat (or in his case commiserating about the result). I think you are the one the needs to apologise.

Also if he is out at the football, I assume with friends, why were you sending pictures and videos? I am sure they could have waited until he was home to see

His reaction was OTT and a decent person would appologise.

However, your accusatory tone on his arrival over something trivial wasn't a warm welcome to bring out the best in him (not a justification for unapologetic swearing)

Does he appreciate the photo/ video updates through the day? They're not going to enhance his enjoyment of the FA Cup. Does he find them intrusive like he can't escape from family life? A baby isn't going to change that much in 9 hours to require regular updates.

There's clearly an issue here, how much depends on his willingness to listen and talk but it's not entirely one-sided either.

He sounds awful honestly, I never understand these men who act like tantrumming toddlers when their team loses. It’s a game ffs, not an excuse to use your partner as a punchbag (verbal or literal)

That said, I read a lot of these threads where the OP posts about having colds /teething babies / sendin pictures /videos / asking partners to pick up stuff for them on the way home. I think if a partner has a free pass you should basically leave them to it, they don’t need to be sent yet another pic of the baby doing the same thing they do every day. The mothers should have exactly the same free passes and be able to be completely off duty too without feeling any guilt of leaving the baby at home with a snotty partner.

But you didn't leave him alone all day, you said you were sending him pictures and videos of your daughter - do you really need to do that when he's out?

If you think he's having a breakdown then help him. Don't badger him for a "real apology".

I'm sickened at the amount of posters suggesting this is your fault for asking him a question.

"What took you so long?" is not just a question, is it?

Sadly, because he was previously incredibly supportive, emotionally intelligent and my biggest cheerleader, I agreed to live in London (where I have no family and no longer any friends).

I don't think he's abusive. He was supportive for 6 years. But in that time -
I set up a business, worked overtime relentlessly so we could afford to buy in zone 4 London (where he grew up - I have no family here). His job is 9-6, relatively low pressure and doesn't offer opportunities for progression.

My maternity leave was cut short because my mat cover quit.

I'm back to work PT. I have no time for hobbies.I have no family here and no friends left - they moved back
Home during the pandemic.

I really thought I had chosen an amazing dad for my DD. But at the moment I don't recognise him.

We literally discussed apologising meaningfully in therapy last week but nothing has changed.

I don't want to give up on my family but it's dawning on me that I can't change him. My MH is suffering so much. I'm starting to lose hope.

So what? It doesn't excuse his behaviour.

She was in her jersey and laughing. It wasn't overboard - it was very cute and he's usually very receptive to this

My MH is suffering so much. I'm starting to lose hope.

As soon as you recognise his behaviour for what it is you can break free and work on yourself. He has done this to you, remember that. Your MH is suffering because your biggest supporter has turned into your abuser since your child was born.

Well, don't minimise the behaviour of interrogating your partner as to what they did with their extra 12 minutes before they step in the door as "asking a question"!

The problem is my Mh is even more at risk and as my last post shows - he has much more support and outlets than me but is jumping down my throat - a lot.

I’d instantly be annoyed if I stepped through the door and that was my welcome over a 12 minute delay. It would really piss me off. Almost as though you acted a martyr and merrily sent him off to enjoy his hobby while you sat at home ill, with a teething baby, just waiting to punish him for his free time when he returned. Maybe that’s really not the case but I see it a lot.

His response seems aggressive though and he should have apologised for that. I hope you get free time too OP.

I don't think i deserve to be swore at under any circumstances. I was unwell with a teething baby and I made sure I left him alone all day.

But in your OP, you fully admit that you didn't leave him alone as you kept texting him photos and videos of your daughter.

I appreciate you felt unwell and the baby was teething, but I do think, unless there's an emergency, if someone out for the day, you should just leave them to it. When people text like that, IME it comes across as a bit controlling - kind of like you don't want them to spend a whole day without thinking of you/being reminded of how unwell you are.

I'm pretty sure that a dad asking a mum who has been out to a friend's for the day "What took her so long" (as the first sentence) would be seen by most as controlling.

There was a post on here last week about a schools bullying policy and questioning the term ‘provocative victim’ that’s what the OP is here. Pushing and pushing then playing victim when her DH gets annoyed about it.

messaging all day with pictures and videos, snapping rudely when he dared to arrive 12 minutes late back, with her bloody chocolate too.

Very much this.

I think the fact the OP posted the exact same thread yesterday in Relationships, and has posted it again in AIBU makes me think she just wants to be told that yes she’s right and her DH is a big meany.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4549781-externalising-blame

The prominent use of that irritating phrase also makes me think she’s trying to legitimise having a go at her DH for very little reason by couching it in counselling speak.

I think if he's been amazing for 6 years and throughout pregnancy and now it's 8 months in to being parents and you're both snapping and under pressure. Is dd sleeping through the night? who's doing night feeds/wake ups?

Can I just say that if your mental health isn't good, then MN is really the last place you should post for support. It's pretty brutal here!

I would suggest going for therapy on your own and figure out what you want in life because I think you deserve better than this.

Sorry but you sound like a pain in the hole. He is out at a match and you are sending him pics of the child and then because he didn't Usain Bolt it up the road home with your chocolate you are asking him what took him so long? Controlling and overbearing. Give him a bloody break.

You're both wrong. He shouldn't be swearing at you, but you shouldn't be pouncing on him about taking too long to walk up the road. I'd be annoyed at that.