To expect a real apology? Reposting for traffic

[danny735]

My DH was at the FA Cup final yesterday. Football is a huge hobby for him and he's had a season ticket for his club since he was a child.

We had a DD, 8 months old and he hasn't been able to go as much since she arrived. He's a good dad and he's very hands on but I will say he seems to be struggling since she was born. He doesn't stay in control of his emotions (whereas before DD he was my rock and showed high emotional intelligence).

He's been lashing out a lot but more than that hasn't showed the ability to take responsibility for his actions. He tends to externalise blame. We are in couples therapy already. I understand that he needs outlets and he was very much looking forward to the match yesterday. I've been unwell this weekend with a bad cold and DD is teething. I assured him he should still go, it was just a cold and whilst I felt a bit miserable I was able to look after DD. I left him through it throughout the day - just sending occasional pictures or videos of DD like I normally would. He left the house at 12:30 and was home at 9:30. I asked him to bring me a bar of chocolate. He messaged to say he was walking up from the station (an 8 minute walk) but didn't get home for another 20 minutes. I said "What took you so long?" He immediately flared up, swore at me and told me to "fuck off and go away" as well as another below the belt comment.

This morning he externalised blame - apparently his reaction/ swearing was because I asked him "What took you so long?" when he was still on the doorstep. He will apologise in one breath and externalise blame in the next which makes it quite difficult to accept the apology. He will then say "I should only have to apologise once". He didn't give any thought to the fact that I might have been exhausted from looking after a teething baby all day while feeling unwell. He didn't ask how I was feeling - he started swearing so I went to bed. When I suggested this morning that he had been taking his disappointment that his team lost out on me - he hotly disagreed. I was trying to understand his behaviour/ reaction but he just seems to take it as a slight.

What upsets me the most was the contempt in his voice / body language last night. Is it unreasonable to expect a meaningful apology?

You are both in the wrong here.

You said he could go out for the day so you shouldn't be annoyed that he went out for the day. Timing his walk home is nuts. Whether it's 10 mins or 18 mins- if you were a man people would use words like controlling or abusive. Sending the photos is also unfair. It's a day out that you agreed to so let him have his day out. His team lost (again) so couldn't you fake a little sympathy?

He shouldn't swear and externalise his anger. Lack of sleep (I'm guessing ) is shit but it's not your fault and won't last forever. He's lucky that you agreed to live near his family and worked hard so you could afford your current home so he should be appreciating your teamwork. It's hard for you too and he should be working with you and not against you as you're on the same team.

Easy to see why so many relationships fail during baby's first year.

Of course it's not impossible 🙄

Should he have reacted like that? No, of course not. But I get how it feels when you've had a long day and you walk in the door and get picked at before you've even sat down - it's frustrating and if he was a bit drunk, tired and annoyed, I can see why he said what he did.

It's really weird, you ask for an apology and reflection from him but are not doing the same. Can't you see that your initial reaction is what triggered this? My dad is a Chelsea fan and was gutted and didn't even go to the match, so your poor DH.

I think you both need to apologize to each other tbh.

Why is a day out at the football considered as one person's right and the other person's obligation to make it possible.

It's fine if there's a bit of give and take but is OP's DH actually letting her have a day off in return?

Can't you see that your initial reaction is what triggered this?

how depressing.

Agree and sounds very tiring and demanding of attention and need to be the focus and the centre of the relationship. To be that aware of a walk taking 12 minutes more than you have timed it as?!

Affair?

Drugs deal?

What do you think happened in that 12 mins?

YABU

He was 18mins late FFS, I wouldn’t even call that late.

As soon as he got in the door you were questioning him and you were sending him texts throughout the day.

Im sorry but you sound pretty controlling and just the way you speak is quite worrying - like you allowed him to go and you feel he owes you something for letting him go.

It sounds like you over analyse everything he says and does - if this is your therapist taking then I’d seriously get a new one.

Who knows she doesn't say?

But the tickets for the cup final would've been booked well before the OP was unwell, so unless he wanted to waste money, he was right to go.

Yes, if OP wants a day out, she should also book one, give notice and go.

You sound pretty needy actually and are struggling with not being the centre of his universe anymore. Biggest cheerleader just sounds very weird imo.
Babies are hard work and relationships often change as each parent tries to adjust to a massive life changing event.
Perhaps he needs some space and time on his own. Sending pics and videos isn’t leaving him alone.
Aggressive behaviour is not ok though. Maybe ask him what he really needs at this time in his life.

@Blarting v quick bank heist, sperms bank deposit, rushing off to see secret love child, quick shift at 2nd secret job, 12min abs workout.... in that huge 12 mins anything is possible! 😆

12.30 - 9.30 being out, you do realise that the game kicked off at 4.45, went to extra time and penalties, so he was "late" home, did you expect him to leave before the game finished? @danny735

I stand corrected you're right! Just about anything could've happened.

My mum used to say don't dawdle, but clearly it wasn't just dawdling going on here!

I think this is probably a case of everyone being overtired and overwrought. Unfortunately all communication loses nuance when you're in that state, which most people with a baby that age are. I'd keep a close eye on it, carry on with the relationship work, and if he doesn't improve by the time the baby sleeps through regularly and is a lot easier (maybe 1.5?) then re-evaluate.

What does worry me slightly is the comment about past form for not taking responsibility for actions and behaviour. Is that pre baby?

Op reading your post you kinda answered your own question . You know there is something wrong with him but to me it seems you are resentful to the support he gets and now he’s not your biggest cheerleader . I can see why your in couples therapy as the way you both speak to each other isn’t right .if you want strangers to tell you swearing at you deserves a apology then fine of course you do but If your really concerned and want to sort things out speak to him properly by sitting him down and sorting this out .

He's male, something shiny probably flew past in the wind and he got distracted. 🤣

I once knew an ex that genuinely got distracted one evening walking and noted that some of the street lamps were different variations of orange/yellow and then proceeded to walk up and down different streets (not on his route home) to see which streets had the "brightest lights". To make a mental note 😂 Then proceeded to tell me when he was 40minutes late home which streets by name were better, and which had low orange glow.

Men are odd creatures.

I read this as "quick shit at 2nd secret job" at first 😂

OP I don’t get the responses here. I would ask where dh was if he hadn’t appeared - especially on football days when violence isn’t infrequent. He would say chatting, popped to the shop and that would be the conversation over.

the relationship you want is one where your partner loves you, not you facilitating their house purchase and social life. There is no point to someone who isn’t working to make you feel the best. Contempt is game over. Maybe he was ok before but maybe he just hadn’t been tested in the way a baby tests us. A breakdown doesn’t give you any right to be abusive - if he is having a breakdown.

pick a partner who loves you and who chases pictures of your baby. Put yourself first - live is too short for a shitty relationship and a partner who has days out and returns home all shitty. as for men needing special care after a day drinking and doing what they want while watching their team - Bollocks. Proper men don’t because they aren’t man toddlers. I would cut my losses and remind myself of the sunk costs fallacy.

I think there's more to it and op cannot replicate tone of her voice and all other nuances

Would love to hear the DH side of this

I do think you're getting a hard time on here.

Sending pics of the baby is irrelevant, lots of people do this throughout the day, me and my partner like to get pics when they're taken...if we are busy we dont need to look. It's not always some passive aggressive 'look what I'm having to deal with you bastard' hidden meaning.

Secondly...if he was 18 min late, then an 8 minute journey took 26 min. So 3.5 times longer than it would normally take. I do think it's fairly normal if someone has taken significantly longer than expected to ask why. my partner puts the bins out and if its 20 min before he comes back I'd ask what happened. Not nagging, not having a go, just conversation and curious I guess. He'd then normally reply that he bumped into someone and then we would talk about how that person is etc. Or if he pops to the shops and is ages I'd ask what happened, and he would do the same to me. Neither of us is checking up on the other and wouldnt do this if we were out and didnt know when we would be back etc.

The disclaimer is though that it depends how you asked him. 'Oh you're late, is everything ok?' In a friendly tone, is very different from 'where were YOU then' in an accusatory tone

However it's more understandable to be a bit snappy when you're ill and when you've spent all day looking after a teething baby, compared to a 'poor man who's partner asked him a question and was gutted about his team losing'. He had just had 9 hours to himself and his hobby, he shouldn't be that quick to anger.

And whatever the detail, it's absolutely not acceptable to shout and swear and blame you for his behaviour. He could have said 'it feels like you're checking up on me' or 'can we have this conversation later, I've just got in and it feels like I'm being accused of something.' Instead he swore. One question that might have been a bit irritating, when you've had a difficult day, does not justify that response in the slightest.

If he is a man who can do a quick shit he's a keeper!
(Look and learn Dh...)

Sounds like you irritate him.

Why are you counting his arrival to the minute? That in itself is extremely controlling - he was late 18 minutes, not 8 hours late. While I don't condone his behaviour, yours isn't acceptable either as it seems suffocating. I'd hate an interrogation as to where I've been as soon as I'd walked in the door. It seems like communication on both sides is lacking.

I feel like most people commenting haven't spent a day alone, unwell, with a teething baby...

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I'd be really shocked if my dp swore at me, and I'd be mortified with myself if I ever spoke to my dp like that.

Guess every relationship is different.