Externalising Blame

[danny735]

My DH was at the FA Cup final yesterday. Football is a huge hobby for him and he's had a season ticket for his club since he was a child. We had a DD, 8 months old and he hasn't been able to go as much since she arrived.

He's a good dad and he's very hands on but I will say he seems to be struggling since she was born. He doesn't stay in control of his emotions (whereas before DD he was my rock and showed high emotional intelligence). He's been lashing out a lot but more than that hasn't showed the ability to take responsibility for his actions. He tends to externalise blame. We are in couples therapy already.

I understand that he needs outlets and he was very much looking forward to the match yesterday. I've been unwell this weekend with a bad cold and DD is teething. I assured him he should still go, it was just a cold and whilst I felt a bit miserable I was able to look after DD. I left him through it throughout the day - just sending occasional pictures or videos of DD like I normally would. He left the house at 12:30 and was home at 9:30. I asked him to bring me a bar of chocolate. He messaged to say he was walking up from the station (an 8 minute walk) but didn't get home for another 20 minutes. I said "What took you so long?" He immediately flared up, swore at me and told me to "fuck off and go away" as well as another below the belt comment.

This morning he externalised blame - apparently his reaction/ swearing was because I asked him "What took you so long?" when he was still on the doorstep. He will apologise in one breath and externalise blame in the next which makes it quite difficult to accept the apology. He will then say "I should only have to apologise once". He didn't give any thought to the fact that I might have been exhausted from looking after a teething baby all day while feeling unwell. He didn't ask how I was feeling - he started swearing so I went to bed.

When I suggested this morning that he had been taking his disappointment that his team lost out on me - he hotly disagreed. I was trying to understand his behaviour/ reaction but he just seems to take it as a slight.

What upsets me the most was the contempt in his voice / body language last night.

I would consider contacting Women’s Aid. Do not enter into any more therapy with him, it’s never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Do not bother with trying to understand why he is doing this, he does this because he can. You are not his emotional punchbag here not should act as a rehab center for some badly raised man.

Pregnancy and birth are two major triggers for abusive men to show their true nature. I would also think that before then there were other things amiss re him that you minimised, excused or simply did not recognise.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they have nothing else positive to write about their man. He is neither a good dad nor husband to you if you (and in turn your child) are treated like this.