To expect a real apology? Reposting for traffic

[danny735]

My DH was at the FA Cup final yesterday. Football is a huge hobby for him and he's had a season ticket for his club since he was a child.

We had a DD, 8 months old and he hasn't been able to go as much since she arrived. He's a good dad and he's very hands on but I will say he seems to be struggling since she was born. He doesn't stay in control of his emotions (whereas before DD he was my rock and showed high emotional intelligence).

He's been lashing out a lot but more than that hasn't showed the ability to take responsibility for his actions. He tends to externalise blame. We are in couples therapy already. I understand that he needs outlets and he was very much looking forward to the match yesterday. I've been unwell this weekend with a bad cold and DD is teething. I assured him he should still go, it was just a cold and whilst I felt a bit miserable I was able to look after DD. I left him through it throughout the day - just sending occasional pictures or videos of DD like I normally would. He left the house at 12:30 and was home at 9:30. I asked him to bring me a bar of chocolate. He messaged to say he was walking up from the station (an 8 minute walk) but didn't get home for another 20 minutes. I said "What took you so long?" He immediately flared up, swore at me and told me to "fuck off and go away" as well as another below the belt comment.

This morning he externalised blame - apparently his reaction/ swearing was because I asked him "What took you so long?" when he was still on the doorstep. He will apologise in one breath and externalise blame in the next which makes it quite difficult to accept the apology. He will then say "I should only have to apologise once". He didn't give any thought to the fact that I might have been exhausted from looking after a teething baby all day while feeling unwell. He didn't ask how I was feeling - he started swearing so I went to bed. When I suggested this morning that he had been taking his disappointment that his team lost out on me - he hotly disagreed. I was trying to understand his behaviour/ reaction but he just seems to take it as a slight.

What upsets me the most was the contempt in his voice / body language last night. Is it unreasonable to expect a meaningful apology?

I think most mothers have spent the day alone with a teething baby....

What does 'externalising blame' mean in plain English for we who are not familiar with counsellor-speak?

Also, I assume op was counting the seconds down because she'd had a horrible day and was looking forward to chocolate!

My dp used to come home at pretty much exactly the same time every day, on the very odd occasion he was a few minutes late I'd ask, if he hadn't already told me.. Not because I'm controlling, just because it'd be unusual. He never swore at me, he'd usually got stuck with his boss and happily offloaded the conversation on me or whatever.

What really? feel like most people commenting haven't spent a day alone, unwell, with a teething baby... and you know this how? Because we're not saying "leave him, he's a bastard" we've not been there? Some of us have been very ill and alone, there's prob a few forces wives as well. Stop it with the if you don't think like us you're wrong rubbish.

Dhould that be his penalty for going to the match?

I can remember literally counting the minutes until DH got home from work when I had a teething baby and was unwell myself so YANBU.

Then they'll know how miserable it is.. Not everyone on mumsnet is a mum, either.

My DH was a weirdly long time getting home on Friday night and as we had someone at home waiting to see him I was very much "what took so long". He didn't jump down my throat and explained after they'd left.

No swearing. No accusation. It's really weird the reaction you're getting on here.

Not at all relevant to the OP but I love this lamppost story, it's pretty adorable

Yes I agree.

Ex forces wife. Have definitely been alone with a screaming, teething and unwell baby for weeks/months never mind 8 hours or so for a bloody football game 😂

Have also lived far away from family and friends support with a newborn.

It's the life I chose, the sacrifice I made. I dealt with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I don’t get the responses here. I would ask where dh was if he hadn’t appeared - especially on football days when violence isn’t infrequent. He would say chatting, popped to the shop and that would be the conversation over.

He was a few minutes late - I don’t know any train that runs to the second and he could just have walked slightly slower or bumped into someone.
Or more likely he knew OP would have a dig at him over something so dragged out the walk.

The first thing I’d ask my DP is how did they get on or if they had a good time. Not question them over a few minutes.

Theres a scene on white chicks where the women checks mapquest and works out how long it takes to get home and 3 minutes are unaccounted for so she thinks he’s cheating.

Excellent post.

Well, someone was at your house waiting. Is that the same?

Really? pick a partner who chases pictures of your baby can imagine an aibu? I'm trying to have a quiet day with our baby and my dp is constantly chasing for photos, does he not trust me?
There is no point to someone who isn’t working to make you feel the best. Contempt is game over does that only go one way? Is op cheerleading and making the dp feel the best?

Why is a day out at the football considered as one person's right and the other person's obligation to make it possible.

We aren't talking about the tit-for tat time off though. Whatever OPs motivations etc, her DH is a Chelsea season ticket holder. When you have a season ticket you generally watch a lot of football. Tickets to the FA Cup final are bought in advance and even if she was playing Martyr (expecting him to say "oh no, I'll stay") that would have been a dick move. She said go, so he went.

They are already in therapy so hopefully the question of equal down-time has been discussed. Or will be. But OP needs to be careful not to use therapy-speak - she needs to use her own words to articulate to DH what made her upset. Timing a walk from the station is bizarre - and if you want to know where someone is why not call them rather than jump on them when they walk through the door?

His reaction was wrong, but as pp said it is understandable if he was already pissed off. It's not doublethink to understand that.

I hope you're feeling better, OP, it sucks having a small child alone when you're ill and it was great that you didn't stand in the way of your DH going to the match. And I do hope you get equal downtime and don't just suck it up in silence. But i think you both need to have a calm discussion in the cold light of day.

Mustn't get in the way of a football obsessive and their football

Your post makes no sense, but I presume you're not happy that the DH is a football fan?

Quite a lot of people are, hence capacity support at the mens FA Cup Final abs 46,000 at the women cup final the next day.

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It’s normal for some people to send pictures and videos of the kids to their other half when they’re out. My DH and I do this all the time because we like it. We don’t always reply so there’s no pressure.

Blarting, yes the obsessive football fan who puts his needs first, spends all day out of the house with a young baby at home and then comes back and swears at the mother of his child, Nice guy

I would also tell you to fuck off if you met me at the door needling me about being 18 minutes later than you felt acceptable

How very dare he book tickets to see his football team! OP had...... a cold!

The tickets were booked long before the "bad cold" developed!

People are allowed to have hobbies, watching football is over if them. He was watching his team, not shagging another woman.

Honestly, some people think once you've had a baby every single thing needs to be given up, it doesn't.

Blarting, you kinda prove my point, football obsessives get so defensive when it's suggested they give up a game every now and then.

Quite right @Blarting I get confused at times, and it makes me feel topsy-turvy re my feminist head. But it seems for some on MN, female doing hobbies/social time=yay go girl empowering
Male doing hobbies/social time= he's a selfish bastard and cares naught for the family.
And this just pisses me off.

Give up a game every now and then?

It was the FA Cup Final!!

OP has already acknowledged that he doesn't go as much, so he's already given up the a game every now and then!!

You e probably vex the point, you're completely clueless about football.

💯 %

But as @Momicrone says he could give up a game every now and then, never mind it's probably the most important game of the season, booked weeks ago and cost £££.

Just give it up, because OP had a cold and the chocolate was 12 no wait 18 mins late.