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Original poster

To expect a real apology? Reposting for traffic

159 replies

danny735 · 16/05/2022 17:05

My DH was at the FA Cup final yesterday. Football is a huge hobby for him and he's had a season ticket for his club since he was a child.

We had a DD, 8 months old and he hasn't been able to go as much since she arrived. He's a good dad and he's very hands on but I will say he seems to be struggling since she was born. He doesn't stay in control of his emotions (whereas before DD he was my rock and showed high emotional intelligence).

He's been lashing out a lot but more than that hasn't showed the ability to take responsibility for his actions. He tends to externalise blame. We are in couples therapy already. I understand that he needs outlets and he was very much looking forward to the match yesterday. I've been unwell this weekend with a bad cold and DD is teething. I assured him he should still go, it was just a cold and whilst I felt a bit miserable I was able to look after DD. I left him through it throughout the day - just sending occasional pictures or videos of DD like I normally would. He left the house at 12:30 and was home at 9:30. I asked him to bring me a bar of chocolate. He messaged to say he was walking up from the station (an 8 minute walk) but didn't get home for another 20 minutes. I said "What took you so long?" He immediately flared up, swore at me and told me to "fuck off and go away" as well as another below the belt comment.

This morning he externalised blame - apparently his reaction/ swearing was because I asked him "What took you so long?" when he was still on the doorstep. He will apologise in one breath and externalise blame in the next which makes it quite difficult to accept the apology. He will then say "I should only have to apologise once". He didn't give any thought to the fact that I might have been exhausted from looking after a teething baby all day while feeling unwell. He didn't ask how I was feeling - he started swearing so I went to bed. When I suggested this morning that he had been taking his disappointment that his team lost out on me - he hotly disagreed. I was trying to understand his behaviour/ reaction but he just seems to take it as a slight.

What upsets me the most was the contempt in his voice / body language last night. Is it unreasonable to expect a meaningful apology?

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 16/05/2022 17:10

Obviously there are bigger problems but it sounds as though you did pounce on him the minute he got through the door (for a 12 minute delay) which would piss me off.

But his anger issues and the way he talks to you sounds horrible.

DashboardConfessional · 16/05/2022 17:10

You've mentioned football so that will make you automatically in the right according to 80% of Mumsnet, but honestly I would have let him get in the door and/or said something nicer than "What took you so long" i.e. an extra 12 minutes walking.

fluffycereal · 16/05/2022 17:14

It's not an apology I would be looking for...

coffeecupsandfairylights · 16/05/2022 17:17

He shouldn't have snapped at you, but if I'd been out all day and the first thing DH did when I walked in the house was complain about how long it took me to walk from the station, I'd probably be a bit snippy too.

I understand you were desperate for a break but he was 12 minutes late, not two hours late.

newbiename · 16/05/2022 17:17

Why did you make that comment when he was 12 minutes 'late'?
He shouldn't have told you to fuck off under any circumstances though.

Bwix · 16/05/2022 17:19

an 8-minute walk that took 20 minutes? There’s something which doesn’t sit quite right. Clearly his behaviour is shitty but idk there’s something amiss. Are you reacting to your own loss of agency and control that naturally came with motherhood by being more controlling of your DH? Are you externalising blame?

WeeOrcadian · 16/05/2022 17:19

It sounds like you were tired and cranky anyway and you jumped him for 'being 13 minutes late'. I'd have snapped back too but telling you to fuck off, isn't acceptable.

sleepymum50 · 16/05/2022 17:20

“What took you so long” shouldn’t have resulted in him swearing and losing his temper.

Yes he should have been much nicer, as he’d gone out to “enjoy” his football all day, while you were at home, unwell with with a teething baby. This is an ideal situation to bring up at counselling and see what can be resolved.

some men cannot bear to be in the wrong, so will always turn it back on you.

LetitiaLeghorn · 16/05/2022 17:20

It seems like there's a lot going on in your relationship and you're in couples therapy to make things better, but you didn't think a thanks for the chocolate would have been better than what took you so long? Was that extra 12 minute wait really that unbearable for you?

I have complete sympathy that living with someone so short tempered must be horrible. The way he spoke to you is awful. But maybe you too could look at how you speak to him because it looks like communication might be a problem both ways.

VeryTrying22 · 16/05/2022 17:21

I’d have told you to fuck off as well tbh

He was 12 mins ‘late’ and you moan the moment he comes in the house? Very unreasonable behaviour

Binsk · 16/05/2022 17:21

His reaction was way out of line, but I wouldn't be pleased at being jumped on over something so petty before I was even in the house.

LetitiaLeghorn · 16/05/2022 17:22

Bwix · 16/05/2022 17:19

an 8-minute walk that took 20 minutes? There’s something which doesn’t sit quite right. Clearly his behaviour is shitty but idk there’s something amiss. Are you reacting to your own loss of agency and control that naturally came with motherhood by being more controlling of your DH? Are you externalising blame?

Yeah, you're right. Very suss. He must given someone a quickie on the way home. 🙄

TigerLilyTail · 16/05/2022 17:23

It's not ok for him to take his anger out on you. It sounds like he is unhappy.

Would it be worth trying to separate for a while?

Crunchymum · 16/05/2022 17:23

Did it take him so long as he was pissed?

Does booze effect his responses to you?

Is he drinking more now then before DD arrived?

flaxensunshine · 16/05/2022 17:23

Also he would have either been elated or crushed depending on what team he supports.. so to then have you say what took you so long is a bit much I think!

TigerLilyTail · 16/05/2022 17:25

Maybe he was just looking at something on his phone for 12 minutes. I don't think his lateness is a problem, but his anger is not ok.

VeryTrying22 · 16/05/2022 17:25

Bwix · 16/05/2022 17:19

an 8-minute walk that took 20 minutes? There’s something which doesn’t sit quite right. Clearly his behaviour is shitty but idk there’s something amiss. Are you reacting to your own loss of agency and control that naturally came with motherhood by being more controlling of your DH? Are you externalising blame?

He must have has his OW waiting outside the shop on the way home for a 12 minute sex session up against the bins…

Christ some on here are crackers

Ducksinthebath · 16/05/2022 17:25

Your response to him was rude. You could have asked if everything was ok, you were worried, etc. rather than the more challenging language you used.

However, the way he is behaving towards you generally and in his response to this issue specifically is not appropriate at all. I hope the counselling helps.

WhackingPhoenix · 16/05/2022 17:25

What was the other ‘below the belt’ comment?

DashboardConfessional · 16/05/2022 17:27

flaxensunshine · 16/05/2022 17:23

Also he would have either been elated or crushed depending on what team he supports.. so to then have you say what took you so long is a bit much I think!

OP says they lost, so in that case his team have lost 3 FA Cup Finals in a row and already lost to Liverpool on penalties at Wembley this year. He would have been gutted!

fluffycereal · 16/05/2022 17:33

I think everyone is missing the key part of the OP and it has nothing to do with the situation mentioned...

He doesn't stay in control of his emotions (whereas before DD he was my rock and showed high emotional intelligence). He's been lashing out a lot but more than that hasn't showed the ability to take responsibility for his actions. He tends to externalise blame. We are in couples therapy already.

^honestly OP what are you doing with this man?

YetAnotherChanger · 16/05/2022 17:37

Did he bring the chocolate?

flaxensunshine · 16/05/2022 17:38

DashboardConfessional · 16/05/2022 17:27

OP says they lost, so in that case his team have lost 3 FA Cup Finals in a row and already lost to Liverpool on penalties at Wembley this year. He would have been gutted!

Show quote history

Oh I missed that sorry!! So he would have been gutted and then met with what took you so long… sorry he was rude but so were you.

the game went right to the wire with extra time and penalties so he was probably not in a good place, doesn’t excuse him swearing at you but you didn’t have to pounce on him the minute he came in!

Inklingpot · 16/05/2022 17:40

I have to say, if my partner kept telling me I’m ‘externalising blame’ every time we had a disagreement, I’d be pretty annoyed too. It comes across that you’re using counselling terminology as a stick to beat him with.

Original poster
danny735 · 16/05/2022 17:40

fluffycereal · 16/05/2022 17:33

I think everyone is missing the key part of the OP and it has nothing to do with the situation mentioned...

He doesn't stay in control of his emotions (whereas before DD he was my rock and showed high emotional intelligence). He's been lashing out a lot but more than that hasn't showed the ability to take responsibility for his actions. He tends to externalise blame. We are in couples therapy already.

^honestly OP what are you doing with this man?

This.

I was actually worried when I said "What took you so long?". He'd mentioned seeing a few arguments earlier (football is emotive and lots of fans had been drinking). There were drops of dried blood in the bathroom the next day (he does not have form for fighting physically ever but he can be too vocal with his opinions about football when he's had a few)

I don't think i deserve to be swore at under any circumstances. I was unwell with a teething baby and I made sure I left him alone all day.

If he'd just said "sorry" it would be forgotten but he blamed me for his unreasonable reactions.

I think he's having some sort of breakdown. He used to be my biggest cheerleader. Now I feel alone.

OP posts: