My DH has been messaging another woman!

[Cheated85]

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

What were the messages about ?

That deception on his part sounds very hurtful. On the plus side you know. If anyone does bring it up you now have control and won't be sideswipe. You feeling embarrassed or that your pride his hurt you can push over to HIS responsibility. He has really let you down. It reflects on him,not you.

Need more information on the message content to know
But if you think it was the perfect relationship and he’s done this, what would he do if you did have a rough patch? So they would tell me he isn’t happy and I don’t want to be someone that’s settled for so it’d be over to me

He is the embarassment. Any damage done is his doing, not yours.

Consider how you deal with this carefully. He'll probably do it again if you let him get away with it once. Can you live with the mistrust?

Yeah really does depend on what he was actually saying to her but I would find it very hard to move on and trust him again

I'm sorry but in my humble opinion it's never just messages. More has transpired he's not telling you about

So the messages were all very sexual in nature. Her sending him nudes and him sending them back! Vile! She’s clearly very insecure and wants approval that men find her hot and DH decided to oblige. Urgh just talking about it makes me want to throw up! How can people do this to each other. She’s married with kids too.

Oh that's pretty bad, I'd find that really hard to forgive. Is that woman married/in a relationship as well or?

@Unanananana thats my fear, he does it again and I waste my life on him.

@savethatkitty How would I find this out? The messages don’t imply that’s happened. He also swore on his kids lives. He loves his kids. Surely he wouldn’t do that? Or am I completely naive?

Sorry but nudes and sexual stuff would cross the line of what i could accept. What does he mean he doesn't know why he was doing it? If that's the case then how can he possibly give any assurances that it won't happen again?

To be honest most men will take up the offer of casual sex given the chance. Much truer than many women want to accept, unfortunately. Because I'm a lesbian I've been regarded as a 'mate' by straight male colleagues for a long time and that's how I know what they get up to behind their partners' backs. They go with prostitutes much more routinely than you'd think, as well as having casual unpaid sexual encounters.

Loves his kids but is ok about potentially breaking up his family for some smutty pics? Hmm, yeah ok.

Great dad! A true prince. I'd never trust him again. And I'd tell her husband for good measure. Just because I'm a twat.

What a dirt bag. I would put money on it that it's more that just sending dirty pictures.

If there is the possibility they haven't met up for a sordid encounter it's because there hasn't been an opportunity otherwise he would have been at it with her.

I'm sorry but I personally would not get over that and would dump his sorry arse.

Deceitful behaviour is the ultimate relationship fail and he has failed miserably.

As men are often disconnected from.tgeir feelings, it's quite easy for them to compartmentalise their lives, enabling them to 'love' their wives and children as well as having sex on the side. I've put love in inverted commas because it isn't really love when men behave thus. They aren't even loving themselves.

If the messages were innocent why did he change her name in his phone, and why only mention them when "caught red handed" so to speak?
I don't think it actually matters what might or might not have happened if you hadn't found out, he was deceitful.
He was enjoying a little flirty banter, probably was flattered and thinks himself quite the catch, and just never thought that you would feel hurt and betrayed by his actions.
You have to decide if him being a thoughtless twat is something you can live with. Bear in mind he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear to restore his quiet life and pretend it never happened. Quite possibly he will twist it to be your fault somehow too - if only you'd done XYZ, not done ABC, think of the chikdren, it was meaningless, blah blah blah. Except the trust is gone, and soon enough it will be "you're throwing it in his face" or "won't let it go" every time you have a disagreement. Plus you'll worry every time his phone beeps, or he's late home.

I’m really sorry OP but that is much worse than what I thought you were going to say. Even if he hasn’t physically cheated yet it looks like he would have done had you not found out. I know it must be heartbreaking but I’d throw him out for that and it would be over completely

Yep, nudes would be a dealbreaker for me. Yep, he could STILL be lying about anything happening, they lie and lie and lie until they are confronted with truth - think Boris and no parties. That kind of lying. He will do it again, and again. Don’t blame her, she has a willing accomplice, how did they even swap numbers?

sorry OP, I am horrified that men still can’t manage to be faithful so commonly.

In that case they should be fine to find out their wives also enjoy casual sex on the side but I bet they wouldn't find that as easy to compartmentalise and those feeling would surface then.

I have a similar sad thread going on at the moment, called ‘is it ever just texting’. Spoiler, it wasn’t and he’s now been moved out a month. I really feel for you, and wish you the best whatever you decide to do 💐

How awful, I’m so sorry. I don’t think swearing on DC’s lives is a good sign.

I know you’re all right, and I’d normally say the exact same thing but it’s so much different now that sadly it’s my reality. I really want to message this woman but no idea what to say. I want to out her but I can’t cope with people talking about our family. I’m still friends with her on all social media. She continues to like my posts…arghhh!!!

In all honesty you wont be letting anyone down other than your children by staying in a dysfunctional relationship. Your partner is not who you thought he is and prioritised his own needs over both your children- a shes linked to them and you and your embarrassment.

I’m not one to say LTB lightly but a ‘broken family unit’ is one in which your children already live if he can do that to them. What happens if those nudes get shared around the parents at school? I know someone in a similar circumstance who always maintained the affair partner would never share any of that as they had too much to lose too (ie they were married). Her marriage ended for a different reason and she ended up telling everyone and showing the pictures. Do you want this hanging over you and your children forever? Always thinking what if?

General chit chat I'd probably ignore but sexual content. Nope, not to be tolerated.

How do you get past this? I mean you could try marriage counseling but I completely understand that trust has now been broken, and rebuilding it is 1million times harder than it is to break it.

I'm so sorry OP. If I were in your shoes, I'd ask he leaves for a few days so you can think about it all clearly without him sulking about the house.

You seem to be putting blame on her. Your anger should be at husband. He’s the one who made promises to you. I suspect more will come out in wash. You don’t go from nothing to nude texts. Don’t be embarrassed it’s him in wrong. I’d tell someone in real life for support. Don’t be afraid to say you need space and him to go. Things obviously aren’t right or he wouldn’t have done it. If you are going to try then he needs to be honest. Will he agree to counselling. Brushing under carpet won’t help.