My DH has been messaging another woman!

[Cheated85]

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

Any person who would swear on their kids'/ mum's lives is ALWAYS lying (the only people I know to do this have always been lying to me). It's such a weird thing to say, normal people don't say that, they just provide evidence of the truth.

Even without sex, surely this is a deal breaker. He's sent nudes to a woman who you know and is in your social circle - he was well on the way to physical sex but they have already virtually had sex.

No way on earth would I forgive this. You’ll never trust him again. You deserve more as do you children. Sorry this happened to you but he’s a scum bag. I’d let her husband know too.

@PoleaxedAndSome I’m so sorry this is happening to you too, I’ll go and read your thread.

Op if you break up with him you wouldn't be the one who broke the family unit. It's him! The twat you've been sleeping next to. It's all on him!

If they've not done it yet it's because there's not been an opportunity to Do it and it was clearly on the cards at some point sending nudes etc .. it's pretty much the same to me

Oh honey , flirty chat is bad enough- but deeply sexual and nudes?
oh hell no.
over over over !
Youll wake up in a few days once the initial shock has worn off and youll be utterly utterly furious!
put him out for the time being. You need to decompress and have a think.
they are usually sorry. Sorry they got caught

id have been physically sick, if this was me. Im so sorry OP. What a fucking selfish bastard.
Tell his mum. Shame the fucker.
Hes fucked up not you.

Do you know how this all started?

Even if she instigated it, he still went along with it. I agree men can be less involved with this kind of behind on an emotional level, but how will you ever feel you can trust him again?
If you don't want to split up, then I think you need to insist on marriage counselling.
You must be feeling so angry with both of them. If it was me, I'd have to talk myself down from going to her house and confronting her.

I was just about to say the same thing. It's a totally meaningless thing that men do when caught out. Part of the script really, a big red flag and would make me instantly suspicious. After all what realistically is going to happen to your children if he's lying? Answer, nothing. He thinks it makes him sound sincere and honest, but it's usually the most dishonest men who do this.

To be honest most men will take up the offer of casual sex given the chance.

What's with the 'men can't help it' posts. That's utter rubbish and is just minimising what he's done.

He wasn't forced into it by the other woman. He made the choice to engage in those conversations, to send pictures and to change her name. He always had a choice.

I couldn't ever forgive this.

block her from your social media.

how has he got to the point of exchanging numbers and then nudes with her.

Does he see her a lot at school?

you don’t instantly exchange numbers and nudes. There has to have been behaviour leading to this to indicate it would be reciprocal- such as real life flirting etc.

Flirty messages is one thing. That’s bad enough. But nudes. :/

how long has it been going on for? 2 weeks. 6? Longer?

Couples counselling would be a necessity for me if I wanted to contemplate staying with him. Otherwise grudges etc would stay and there would be no way of really working forward without resolving things with the aid of a professional counsellor.

what’s her partner like. Christ in my angrier moments I’d be fantasising about a screaming showdown and telling her husband what she’s up to and he’s she’s renowned for it. I know it’s not all her as it takes two to tango.

i don’t know what to suggest other than don’t act in haste, couples counselling if you wish to try and work things out. And know that this isn’t on you. It’s him. All him.

This is completely unforgivable. Your husband is a sleaze.

Please be furious with him and throw him out. He has completely betrayed and humiliated you and there should be no going back from this.

So sorry OP you are going through this.

The messages I could maybe forgive. The pictures and him changing her name in his phone? No. That’s intentional deceit.
I wouldn’t ‘out’ them for my own dignity but I would end the relationship. Sorry OP.

I know instinct is to message her and her husband but don’t do anything hasty. Give yourself time to think.

I may be able to overlook flirty/sexual messages depending on the circumstances. Sending nudes would be crossing the line for me though. This woman now knows what your husbands dick looks like. Where were you when these photos were taken? Were they taken in your house? Also swearing on the kids lives means nothing really. And I also agree with pp who pointed out if he does this when your relationship is ‘perfect’ then god knows what he’s capable of when it isn’t.

Unforgivable in my opinion, he’s a disgusting sleazy liar. There will probably be more than just texts, I can’t imagine that’s just the extent of it.
As for her still liking your posts, I’d be naming and shaming the pair of them, starting with her husband and his mother.

I think I'd message the poor cuckolded husband and update him on the shenanigans.

Absolute deal breaker. He’ll do it again, only this time he’ll be sneakier so you don’t find out.

You deserve better. Ducks in a row time.

The nature of their messaging is extreme enough that I would never be able to forgive that. He’s done a truly terrible thing to you and your children. Don’t let him tell you it’s you ‘breaking up the family’, it’s entirely his doing.

. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this

I feel sad that the women gets the bad reputation here. What about all the sleazy men who have been cheating on their wives and partners?

The fact your DH has changed her name on his phone is enough. That's what they do when they are having an affair. Direct your anger at him and let him go.

Sexual and nudes mean he has very much thought of having sex with her often. He would have if not caught out.

I feel so sorry for you @Cheated85 it's the usual men following their dicks. He's not the man you thought he was, he's a cheat and a liar.

Only you can decide if this waste of time is worth giving it a shot for,

Take it some someone with experiance, you will forgive him and he will cheat on you again later down the line, im going through it now.
And my arsehole didn't send nudes. The trust has gone, hes disrespected you on so many levels.

You are worth so much more than this man is giving you.

@Cheated85 You say she is clearly very insecure due to sending nudes to your husband to make her feel hot etc.

Your husband is also insecure and needs afirmation from another woman that he is hot too.

both guilty - don't do what many women do and only blame the OW. You are sadly married to a sleaze bag

She doesn't say whether this women is actually married/has a partner tbf, she may be single

As much as I would love to put them both I do want to preserve my dignity and protect my children. I’m literally going to have to see her on the school run in a few hours. Saw her car this morning and was fully tempted to bulldoze right into to! Irrational I know! She’s done this to so many men in our town and to believe my DH has bloody replied has made me so mad! It’s all through social media. He’s deleted it now. I’m in such turmoil and just cannot think. The pictures were sent from our house! When I was in the house! How vile!