My DH has been messaging another woman!

[Cheated85]

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

Please don't just blame her for this.
Whether she's done this 10 or 200 times before, your husband did not have to send pictures of himself nude, and accept them from her, nobody forced him. Him changing her name in his phone says a lot. I am sorry this is happening to you.

This nonsense of blaming this woman for what your husband has done needs to stop right now. He is 100% responsible for everything he has done.

So the messages were all very sexual in nature. Her sending him nudes and him sending them back!

Absolute deal breaker. Your husband is a cheating scumbag.

1. If you decide to forgive your shit DH make sure you don't get over it to quickly. Punish the bastard. Make him sleep on the sofa / counselling / tell his mum 😂

1. I wouldn't talk to her or her husband.. she didn't exchange vows or promises with you ... that's your shit DH

1. I'd be tempted to print her nudes and post them everywhere.. local shops, post office , bus station .. with the title "if anyone is in need of a prostitute & her number and full name "

That would be the end for me. And how did it get from swapping phone numbers to sex texts and nudes? I'd suspect something had happened though he's not likely to admit that is he.

I'd let the husband know.

I agree. This was never going to end well.
What on earth was he thinking?

This is awful! The fact that he has sent naked photos of himself would count as cheating for me and I'd end it immediately.

This 👍

Yes someone else said, thanks.

Hi OP

I’m so sorry you are going through this. My ex husband admitted to messages, then sexting, then nudes then finally having sex. During this slow and extremely painful unraveling of the truth he swore in the kids lives he had not had sex with her. As it turns out he had including in our home whilst we were away. We were together almost 30 years.

it has been a painful journey made worse by his lies and lack of empathy but I can now say that I am living a much better life where I do not have to deal with his constant negativity and grumpiness or his bloody lies. I’m starting to spend a lot of time on me as previously I was always bottom of a long list.

in my experience and unfortunately the many other people who post here about their cheating partners we experience what is known as “the cheaters script” it’s uncanny how all (well most) follow this script where they minimise, deflect, blame before the “full” truth comes out and during this time you feel as if you are going insane not just with the agony of the discovery of the affair but the gaslighting, the lies and the minimising.

my ex is now in a relationship with the OW who was also married. He has the kids every other weekend who refuse to see her and so he lives this half life and for the first time is having to adult.

he is pathetic and I have zero respect for him and cannot believe how low my bar had been set to have put up with him for so long. Men like my ex and your husband are weak and we are strong stronger that we think. And I realised that I was doing the lion share of all adulting but put up with it because I loved him and like I said I set the bar low.

don’t make any decisions now, but do consider having him move out to give you breathing space. Block her on all socials she doesn’t need to have any further window into your life. I wouldn’t waste any energy on her anyway she is not worth it.

wishing you all the best.

So sorry this has happened OP. I’d say there has to be more to it than he’s admitting though. I mean they’re hardly likely to swap numbers and then 10 mins later be doing d-pics and nudes.

🤣🤣

He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that...

Except not message another woman. With nudes.

Yes, you are completely naïve and also giving him far too much leeway. He knew exactly what he was doing. He knew what the consequences would be if he got caught, which is why he had her under another name in his phone.

You won't be breaking up a family unit if you leave; you can't break what's already broken and he broke it the second he messaged another woman.

I think most men are capable of this - their brains are wired differently.

For me, I wouldn't personally break up a family of 4 kids and a marriage because of one almighty fuck up by him. He's a bloody idiot (understatement) Also, I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction.

I would have to have it out with her - and then I'd delete and block her. She sounds like an absolutely snake. You two need to go to marriage counselling.

For better or for worse - I took my vows seriously and personally I would want to save my marriage.

Your No 2 and 3 are pretty conflicting don't you think? Maybe it's her DHs nudes she should be posting around town since they're the ones who shared vows?

I'm not sure I could forgive this.

My view is:

• he's told you the tip of the iceberg.
• if he doesn't know why he did it how does he know he won't do it again?
• Why was it with this mum in particular, does he realise how disrespectful it is generally and then to do this with someone you'll all see daily at the school run is insane.
• How far would he have gone? In truth, they'd probably have had sex if you hadn't caught him.

Can you forgive him and see this woman daily? It's not as if you can sweep it under the rug. He's made life hard for you and your kids, not the behaviour of a great dad.

I would also be making her husband aware of what's happened so that he can make a decision.

@AryaStarkWolf

Yes but the no 3 doesn't involve talking to her 😂

I don't get the impression that OP is just blaming her husband; he is indeed 100% responsible for his actions, as is she (although PPs correctly point out that she is not the one with any obligation to OP ... other than the obligation not to be an awful human being of course). But it is completely understandable for her to be livid with both of them.

I would just snigger/smirk when you see her at School - making sure she sees you do it!

it would also be the end of my relationship- you nice the trust is broken (& the messages are vile) it’s hard to carry on imo. All respect is gone & none of it is your fault.

Hands down the worst advice I've ever read. So much so it's made me wonder if the OP is real and you're a sock puppet

I know it isnt what you want to do but I'd hit the no going back button and reply to her next facebook like with "please dont like my statuses when you've been sending nudes to my husband" and then attach several pictures of the messages, tag her husband and block her.

Let them feel their shame. If he still wanted back after that you could consider it but my advice to you is kick him out at least to see of he goes running to her and if he cares enough to beg his way back in. Its would be over for me.

To be clear, I wouldn't attach the nudes or anything too explicit, just enough to show there had been very inappropriate messaging.

Of course I'm not defending anyone in this scenario, they're both absolute shitbags, I do find it a little uncomfortable though that everyone who has suggested posting the nudes around town etc are only suggesting posting the woman's.

What utter crap.
Awww poor men, they just can't help it!! Sorry but that's is absolute rubbish. You should hold the men in your life to a higher standard.

As for not breaking the wedding vows? Are you kidding? Awful, awful advice.

She hasn't "done this to so many men" OP. They are willing, adult, participants. Please disregard her and transfer all of your anger and disgust to DH, who has done this to you. The name change is total deceit - he has intentionally deceived you from the very start. He shows a total lack of respect/regard for you, by doing this. Are you really willing to live with that, to avoid 'being talked about'? My home could never be a happy home after that. These keeping up appearances households are toxic environments for many children, no matter how hard parents try to protect them. I'm so sorry OP, your mind must be in turmoil.

@Hiddenvoice thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry you’ve been through it too and I’m glad you were able to work through it. You’re totally right, now that this is reality for me the decision isn’t so clear cut. I’ve so much more to think about and I know it sounds like I’m just going to forgive him but just finding it so difficult about splitting up the family, selling the house etc it’s huge and I just don’t know what to do.