My DH has been messaging another woman!

[Cheated85]

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

Yup. All he had to do was block her. The simplest thing ever to protect his marriage, yet he just didn't give a fuck.

Kick him out... do you really want to face that woman at the school gates everyday knowing her and your husband have been having sordid chats and sending each other nudes?

That raging feeling that you felt when you wanted to bulldoze her car, wont go, you'll have that. Every drop off, every pick up.

Disgusting that she has form for this, her poor kids, but also disgusting that your husband probably also knows this and is now another one. He clearly has no respect for you, or her.

I never said men couldn't help it, I'm certainly not excusing his dispicable behaviour, I'm just saying for lots of men it's 'normal' behaviour. It's part of what they think being a man entitles them to.

You don’t go from a nodding acquaintance on school run to sending nudes. The narrative that he’s somehow been ensnared by her is very convenient for him. At the very least there’s been in person flirting no one would send an unsolicited nude to a random school dad. He doesn’t know why? Again very convenient.
I’d consider it cheating. He needs to talk. Will someone take the kids so you can have an proper discussion.

Block and unfollow her.

Please seek some irl support and if you do counselling have some separately before you have couples counseling

I think you have some important questions to ask yourself.

I know lots of women stay because they don't want their life upended by something they played no part in. I sympathise with this hugely. Why should you suffer (have to sell you home / move / become a single parent / completely change your life in almost every way) because your husband is a selfish, lying prick?

BUT you have to really ask yourself if you can live with this. There will be no trust, you will have no respect for your husband and your relationship may well be dead in the water anyway? You'll be sad and angry but you'll be reminded of the reason for this sadness and anger everyday.

Some people can get past it, some people can move on and eventually be happy but some cannot - It depends on what type of person you are and even you may not know that yet. So take it easy, take some time to really mull it over.

FWIW my SIL took her cheating partner back and they have been miserable ever since. She clearly holds residual anger towards him and as a condition of them remaining together he isn't allowed out / has his phone checked / has no life outside of their little family. They both seem so unhappy.

YOU have done nothing wrong @Cheated85 so hold your head high. Don't worry about any gossip or judgement. I wouldn't engage in anything publicly with the woman but I'd be incredibly tempted to tell her husband.

I found it very cathartic to message OW that I knew and had seen all the messages. I left it at that. OW does not live locally, she was an ex from years ago. But it would be easy to send screenshots to her family and friends.
I have no intention of retaliation but I have the satisfaction that she lives in fear of me doing so.
DH and I stuck it out. It was tough but we got there. I think it helped that OW had no physical presence in our lives.
I will add that anyone who places complete trust in their DH or DP is an idiot. Everyone, men & women, is capable of infidelity.

Sorry I couldn’t accept this.

Dh would be no more and I’d be telling her husband too because he deserves to know what a scruff she is also.

Well 3 would be a great way to get herself in trouble

The number of posts suggesting things that would get the OP in the shot under revenge porn laws is quite staggering.

I forgave @Cheated85
He did again. And again. Until I left.
Whatever you accept, you will get. Good luck

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My friend caught her then-fiance sexting other women and she decided to forgive him. They got married and carried on with their lives. Then she caught him doing it again - including while she was in the hospital, critically ill after a surgery during which she almost died.

She stayed with him again and I no longer listen to her (many and varied) complaints about him.

I know you have a family together and it's not cut and dry but honestly, OP, will you ever trust him again? I don't think I could. I'd hate to have that in the back of my mind forever. I echo PPs who recommend therapy - you need to unpack this and decide what you want.

This must be such a shock. You asked if you were naive to believe that he’s being truthful because he swore on your children’s lives. I’d say yes, you are. Unless he is religious and believes swearing on their lives means God will cause something bad to happen to them because he’s lying, it means absolutely nothing at all and is nothing more then emotional manipulation. A bit like saying ‘I know I’ve hurt you and lied to you, my wife, but I swear to god I would never involve my children in a lie.’ Bit late. It’s like swearing on the bible in court when you don’t believe in god so take everything he says ‘under oath’ with a pinch of salt and treat it with the cynicism he deserves.

I'd tell her husband for sure, he doesn't deserve to be with a serial cheater. She can go searching for husband number 3. And I'd kick my husband out, no way would he be staying for that. He can go scurrying off to her or wherever, but he wouldn't be staying, he wrecked his life by doing that.

And you would be getting done for revenge porn, why not post the pictures of her husbands dick as he was keen to show it to other women, she/OW didn't hold a gun to the husband head to make him send rude messages and dick pics, fgs he is the one who has wronged the OP not the OW, I despair of my fellow females at times.

He also swore on his kids lives

yeah, he’s lying

I wouldn't print and share someone's else's nudes. The OP would probably end up in trouble for that, as disgusting as they both are, it could very well be a crime along the lines of revenge porn. Even if it's not though, it could just bring more trouble to OPs doorstep than it's worth, the woman or her dh could retaliate and post OPs dh nudes all over the village, or printouts of OPs DHs sleazy messages.

Kids will see all that too and as much as I'd be angry with the other woman, I wouldn't want to make her innocent children a target for bullying which could happen if their Mum's nudes are posted all over the village.

Of course I’m mad at them both and in my opinion are equally to blame. She knows exactly what she was doing. If she was some random who didn’t know me then that would be different.

He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out

Ah yes, the "Poor little me didn't know what I was doing" narrative

I'm afraid I agree with most that there'll be a LOT more to this, but please don't lower yourself to approaching the OW who may well be ghastly owes you nothing.
The bottom line is whether you yourself can continue living with a man you'll never be able to trust, and that's a decision only you can make - but when making it do remember that staying would be a green light to him to do it again

I would have to say something to her, not sure what but I would want everyone else to know what she had done, obviously your husband should take the brunt of your anger hurt and disappointment.

Equally your husband knows you know her and see her regularly and went ahead and betrayed you, you are trying to create the narrative that she is the one at fault and has lured and ensnared your poor unsuspecting husband, she owes you nothing and has no loyalty to you, that is all on your husband, he has chosen to betray you, be angry at him, he is the one that has let you down, not her!

No OP, they are not "equally to blame" as others have said, he's married to you so he's the one to blame here. It's him who has betrayed and disrespected you and your family. Please forget about her. Yes, she's immoral and nasty but she owes you nothing. Redirect all of your anger towards your cheating husband. And brace yourself for finding out more because 100% there will be more to this. He is only sorry because he got caught.

There’s definitely more to this than he’s letting on because, as many other PP’s have said, you don’t go from a casual hello on the school run to sending full on nudes. Something else has happened.

Even if I’m wrong and the messages are the only thing, I don’t think this can be forgiven. He’s chosen to do this with someone he knows you have to see 5 days a week which makes things much worse. Changing her name in his phone adds to the deceit, he knew what he was doing and knew how much it would damage your marriage if you found out. Sending nudes to another woman when you’re in another room as well, he has zero respect for you.

I don’t think I could forgive this personally, I doubt you’ll ever trust him again.

Fgs. Block her straight away . She is NOT your friend. !.
pack your husbands stuff up and chuck him out.
he obviously was going to Shag her at some point.

For all you know her husband might know and they have an open relationship. Her behaviour is shitty but he was the one who made marriage vows to you and broken his promises. I know it must seem easier if you are thinking of staying to blame everything on evil Scarlett woman but that’s not going to help long term. He’s probably told her you are only together for kids sake, not intimate etc.

that would be absolutely it for me & I would be telling her husband