My DH has been messaging another woman!

[Cheated85]

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

I really feel for you @Cheated85 . I know I have already posted but there are too many posters saying leave when it isn't their life. You have built a life together. You have children. You love each other and the children. People can and do get through worse. Stages of shock, disbelief, fear, anger, shame, loneliness, helplessness. Everything. You'll have times where you can't even look at him and others where all you want is a hug.

He's the person that makes everything okay but now he's the one who has made everything absolutely not okay so where do you turn? This is where therapy is good as they are there for you and won't tell anyone. Not everyone has a friend they can completely trust who will not judge and once they know they know.

It is hard feeling like you are carrying a big secret and frustrating when you feel like you are protecting the person who has hurt you and done wrong when actually you are protecting yourself so much more.

There will be regrets at staying, feeling like it is too late to leave but it never is. While you still have love for him there is hope. There will come a time where you are glad you stayed, if you do, and of course if you leave you will feel you did the right thing divorcing as otherwise you will be in hell.

All that matters is you do what is right for you and only you. But it will take time.

Take care and good luck.

What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy?

Yes I have been through similar and no, I couldn't move on with the same partner. Sorry.
I have moved on with someone else though and I am happy now.

I'm not convinced therapy is the answer. If you need a therapist to point out why cheating is WRONG, then you're not cut out for committed relationships, no matter how many sessions you pay for. I think a lot of men cheat simply because the opportunity presents itself and they think they can away with it. They don't need therapy. We all know the difference between right and wrong.

I agree with @Coffeepot72 - why will couples therapy help? Does he really need couples therapy to tell him what he has done is wrong?

I used to think that there was always a reason men strayed..something in the relationship missing. Many years later I know the thing that is missing is common decency and exciting fresh orifices, telling them they’re so hot. Excusing it as something missing in their relationship just shifts the blame. Lots of people don’t have the perfect relationship but manage not to rub uglies with other people.

Totally agree @Bunnyfuller

Staying is the least scary option though, when it’s all fresh.

The question that needs to be asked was what was he hoping to achieve? And he needs to be honest. Completely honest.
And now, what is he hoping to achieve?
And to you... what are you hoping to achieve?

From there, you can move on.

I've been where you are OP. I find it so interesting you're replying to the message that gives hope rather than the 10s which say "call it a day"

I wanted hope. I wanted it to be ok. I wanted to know people come back from this crap. Absolutely they do, but it takes years and years and years. Years of not trusting them. Years of wondering if they're being faithful. Years of thinking "we WILL get through this". I told no-one. Endured my pain myself. Kept putting the game face on.

I thought, and did, the same when it happened again 2 years later.

The third time I finally told people and they were so wonderful and supportive and couldn't believe the hell the loving caring man they knew had put me, and us, through. It was their revulsion that made him realise the depth of what he'd done.

I urge you to tell a couple of dear friends who know and love you both. I also urge you to consider that hope may not fix everything. Please consider all your options when looking at moving forward. All the best.

Excellent post @Jumpking OP, even if a million posters think you should leave, it’s still ok to stay if that’s what you want. Your life, your reality. Take your time. And as I said in an earlier post, he needs to be in no doubt how close he came to losing you.

Personally, I'd make a Facebook photo album with her pics only visible to you and her and write "I believe these are yours"

So many shit head men and sad stories on here.

i agree , no idea what therapy will achieve. It's normally for difficulties BEFORE it escalates.
you assumed you were happy-and you probably were, he just fucked it up for you both

think carefully before you PAY someone to essentially help you to forgive and forget, your husbands infidelity

• thats mad, when you think about it,isnt it? " my dh has ruined our lived. Can you help me be ok about this fact please? Can you tell me , cos im now the issue : that i deserve less than my marriage vows? Cheers" id get councilling for yourself , firstly, to work through your own feelings.

why do they always say they'll get therapy

is there a special i got caught cheaters therapy course i dont know about

It doesn’t matter what other people say - you take your time and make a decision for you.

The best advice I was given when I found out my husband had had an affair at the worst possible time was from my dad - don’t rush into any decision.

i chose to stay and I’m not going to lie it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done - I was pretty much suicidal/had a complete breakdown once it all sank in - which took a few months - for a good year.

But, I’m glad I put the work in and three years later I’d say we’re in a good place with a more equal and valued relationship than we had before. It took the best part of 2 years to get there.

Personally I think the best thing we did was talk, talk and talk some more about it - he let me ask questions / get upset for as long as I needed and never lost patience (and it was a long time!). And he went to 6 months of counselling for himself and did lots of work on himself mindfulness and took full responsibility, changed jobs, changed how he treated me with respect to household chore split etc etc. he acknowledges it was borne out of selfishness / a lack of thought of consequences / ego boost etc.

i won’t regret it even if he fucks up again as the time we have now is good and I’ve learnt (also through counselling) to live in the now

@DisneyMillie im glad your ok now but why did you need to " do the work" and be broken for 2 years? 😢

I personally felt it was the right thing for me and my children (I’d left a crappy husband once and the impact on my eldest is still hard).

I shouldn’t have had to it’s true but life sucks sometimes

(But that I mean this is my second husband)

Well if he's willing to do anything, tell him to get rid of all social media seen as he can't be trusted not to emotionally cheat.

Honestly, I would message the other woman and say “You don’t shit where you eat!” and I’d let everyone know what was happening. This woman AND DH both need to be made accountable for this.

@Cheated85 can you say leaving is too hard for you to comprehend right now why would you be leaving he will be leaving. Honestly it makes me so sad because I see myself in you and fear and the terror of being alone and the practicalities of it all, when you actually ripped the Elastoplast stuff it’s nowhere near as hard as you think you know.

I would give anything to have that 10 years back I wasted on that pratt of an ex of mine

❤️

When I first read this I thought that at least he owned up immediately and showed you the messages.
thinking I’d suggest counselling and forgive.

but ….. sexual pics??!
I don’t believe they’ve not had a sexual meetup.

And if you forgive this time there will be another time. With someone else.

i would ask him to leave. Separate and take some time to think and get personal support.
Not divorce.
just have some time out to think.
but get your finances sorted and be aware of your rights before you do.

Im not sure what I would do with the mom.
if I was in your position I’d probably tell all the moms to be wary of the ***. Ask them to check their husbands phones in case she’s sent nude pics to theirs too!!
But I can imagine that might be right for you.

it’s very disrespectful towards you.
And worrying as you thought the marriage was fine.

what the hell will he do when you hit a rough patch?

you deserve better

🧟‍♂️