My DH has been messaging another woman!

[Cheated85]

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

@Cheated85, I just saw your update. Kudos for standing your ground and reading him the riot act. He has treated all of you with such contempt and disregard.

He is groveling because he was caught. He wasn’t thinking of his family when playing his sex games with OW right there in his children’s home. Don’t allow him and his crocodile tears to manipulate you.

I wouldn't have blocked her on social media until I'd PMd her one or more of the nudes she'd sent to your husband with the message to fuck the hell off. Then block. I'd be making damn sure she knew that I knew and had seen everything.

He let her see him naked! Really sorry op but I would consider that cheating. (Or preamble to cheating at least) Like others have said, it’s down to what you are able to tolerate to keep the relationship going if it is still worth it to you.

‘He says he is prepared to do anything for us to stay together,’ such a shame that doesn’t include not sending nudes to attention seeking women.

I'm struggling to believe he shared nudes but they haven't met and had sex. I'd be checking his timeline on Google. Credit card statements. Pockets for receipts. Sent emails. If you dont have access to all this I'm sure he'll give it immediately as he'll "do anything". If there is a delay, he's deleting stuff.

Actually I'd be divorcing him.

But i think there is likely more to it and if you find it it may help you with your decision.

He might have been forgivable if it was mild flirting and attention seeking. Sending nudes, though, crosses the line. He's a perv.

I can quite confidently say I'd leave, because I did with a 3 week old baby. The intent was enough. For me a drunken one night stand wouldn't even have been as bad as those messages. He had to think about what to say, what she had said, crafted the message, the decision to send it etc. All thought out. No thought for his children or partner.

Oh and they all "swear on their kids lives". When it comes to that they really are. clutching at straws.

I've been there and it is heartbreaking. It was 10 years ago and we did pull through it but it was really hard and I did it for my family. I know it's not a popular view but we are stronger now than before because we worked through it. It will take a long time and it is difficult journey as it involves looking at your relationship and what is wrong with it as ultimately happy people generally don't get sucked into these things. Find a good counsellor and do some reading on the stages you go through after finding something like this out. It is like going through the stages of grief and can take years to rebuild trust if that's what you want to do. I would advise you to be very careful who you share this with in your life as if you want to stay with him its better for others not to be giving their opinion. Good luck and sorry you're going through this

@Ihatemyjob22 thank you for sharing this. I think this is what I need. Some sort of hope. I know a lot of you think it would be crazy to stay but just leaving is too hard for me to comprehend right now. Although, ever being able to trust him again also feels incomprehensible so I’m definitely still very confused. He did say last night he’s willing to try therapy so that’s something we are going to look into. I think you’re right @Ihatemyjob22 about telling anyone. I know if I do then that will be it, there’s no going back and I have my family to think about. I can’t eat or sleep. I’m literally forcing to eat at dinner time so that the kids think all is well. There’s a really weird quietness in the house that I don’t like. I’m worried they will soon start to sense something is up.

I would advise you to be very careful who you share this with in your life as if you want to stay with him its better for others not to be giving their opinion.

Absolutely. If you do decide to stay, it's between you and him, and not everyone Tom, Dick and Harry having their input.

He says he is prepared to do anything for us to stay together Well you know that's a lie! If he would do anything to keep you together he wouldn't have risked everything for a few wanks over some pathetic messages would he. Judge him by his actions, not by his words.

For me leaving and starting again with my child was 100 times easier than being with someone who I didn't trust. My self esteem couldn't have taken that. And I respect myself enough to not be treated like a mug. I also didn't want my child to think that was normal in a relationship.

Even if you do stay for now, ensure you are protected for the future. Have a job you can live off and I strongly advise an account which only you know about, so you can leave at any point should you choose to.

He will swear on the Queen of England's life if it means he's not found out. If you have access to his phone/tablet/laptop I recommend you commit the cardinal sin & SNOOP. Message the woman involved & ask her, although if she's heavily invested in your other half, she won't tell the truth anyway. Trust your gut.

Therapy?

He needs therapy to help him understand that it's wrong to piss on his marriage vows, deceive his wife and potentially make a fool of her in the school playground?

He gave her his phone number or he asked for hers. That is the point in which he crossed the line. To go further and speak dirty to each other and send nude pictures shows him to be immature, nasty, deceitful, uncaring, disrespectful and the pair of them are laughing at you behind your back.

If you can get over that then good luck.

I'm afraid I'm another one who couldn't forgive this. He was in the bathroom wanking away for one of the school mums while you and the kids were in the house? Sent her photos of his cock and then rejoined his family? I might convince myself we could get past that with some therapy but I think it would only be a matter of time before all respect for him disappeared and was replaced by anger and disdain.

Plus how do you get from "hi" at school pick up to sending dick pics? He has taken several steps to get to that point, knowing all the while what this would do to you and his children and continuing nevertheless. He's only sorry because you know about it isn't he? If you hadn't found out he'd still be doing it. And I doubt very much that there hasn't been any physical contact between them.

It's really shit what he has done. He has ruined your marriage, whether you can accept that yet or not. How would you ever be sure he wasn't at it again, either with her or someone else?

I don’t agree with keeping this to yourself. Part of being accountable for your behaviour is acknowledging it publicly and dealing with the consequences. Why should @Cheated85 suffer in silence when she could confide in trusted friends and family? She has lost the trust she used to have for him. I imagine he was her “person” until this. Also, what if he does it again - or worse comes out about his behaviour? @Cheated85 needs support.

Even if you stay together, things are not the same as they were. So you are not choosing between splitting up and what your marriage used to be like (or what you thought it was like). He has destroyed that life. You're choosing between splitting up and what your marriage will be in the future, those photos in your head, no trust, worrying about what he's up to etc.

And don't stay together because you want it all to just go away, you're embarrassed and don't want people to know. It won't go away, you have done nothing wrong, it doesn't matter what people think and the OW or her husband (if/when he finds out) might tell people anyway. Some of her friends might have known about it all along.

Don't keep this to yourself - he'll be begging you to, becuse he knows what's happened is sordid now it's not their sexy little secret, but it means you won't be able to get support. He needs to feel other people lose respect for him, in order to understand why what he did was so awful.

Also - some people have talked about finding a counsellor to work out 'what was wrong in the marriage'. I don't agree. This is absolutely not on you - this issue is his, and his alone. Some weakness in him made him go 'I know, I'll strike something up with another person', and that weakness needs to be worked on before even beginnng to look at anything you're involved in. Accept no blame - plenty of people in very happy marriages have affairs because they are attention seekers or have some sort of hole in ther soul that can be filled with a little bit of flattery.

You're basing your understanding of an entire gender on the behaviour of a single individual? Can you see an issue with that?

I think the advice given to not tell your family or friends is utter rubbish.

You should talk to someone who knows you and him and can advise you a little further. Plus it's always a good idea to have your feelings heard and let some steam out.

Don't keep his dignity(if that's the right world to use) protected. Talk to Someone. Let them know what a trash bag he is. I'd tell his parents at least, so IF you end up staying together they can appreciate the major effort you've made.

Xx

Your making such a mistake staying with him but its your life. Hes ruined your relationship, you won't ever be able to trust him. What a scumbag

I agree about not keeping it a secret. I did that and it backfired monumentally - I wish i'd told everyone .

*Therapy?

He needs therapy to help him understand that it's wrong to piss on his marriage vows, deceive his wife and potentially make a fool of her in the school playground?*

This.

It's cheater bingo

Swear on kids lives - check.

I'll do anything - check.

I'll get therapy (or even more laughable, we'll get therapy).

Etc.

Oh yes, 'we'll get therapy' - subtext: 'it was your fault really because you didn't lavish me in attention / put out 24/7, despite having a brace of under 5s and a birth injury etc etc.

Also - beware Mr Nasty making an apperance if you don't play ball with your husband's plans to brush this under the rug and never speak of it again. They can't stay sorry for long (hurts the poor dear's ego...)

Also agree about telling people. I told both our families straight away. Both provided invaluable support. His family even had the baby every other weekend whilst I worked as his father (who also "didn't want to lose his family" and swore on his son's life etc etc) didn't see him at all for 3 years. Even when my son was at his grandparents where his father was living, his father used to stay silently upstairs or leave the house.

Even now their relationship has never really recovered as they couldn't believe the behaviour of their son. The wider family feel the same. Mine and my son's relationship with them is still extremely close.

I wouldn't hide his shame.

Tell your family at the very least, you need support here.