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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My DH has been messaging another woman!

322 replies

Cheated85 · 16/05/2022 11:41

So my DH has been messaging another woman. I found out at the weekend. We’ve had no problems and thought we were happy. The woman in question is another mum from school who is renowned for this sort of behaviour and I can’t believe my DH has done this. I feel sick just typing it out. He hasn’t slept with her and I do believe that as I’ve no idea when this would have happened. I caught him because a message popped up from someone on his phone with a name I didn’t recognise (he’s changed her name) and asked him about who it was and I could tell by his face and he then was completely honest about the messages. Showed me everything etc. He says he’s no idea why he was doing it and what he thought would have come of it if I hadn’t found out. I’m devastated at the thought of breaking up our family unit and don’t want this for our children. He says he doesn’t want that either and will do anything to avoid that. What I’m asking is, if you’ve been through this, have you been able to move on and be happy? I feel like the trust has been broken and unsure how I can get over it? I’m embarrassed to admit this is also very much about pride. I can’t cope with the thought of people talking about me. I don’t want to let my family down and just can’t imagine life not like it is now. I know that’s ridiculous but I’m finding it so hard to make a decision on what to do for the best.

OP posts:
darisdet · 16/05/2022 13:27

I think most men are capable of this - their brains are wired differently.

Are they really?

Marvellousmadness · 16/05/2022 13:27

He sounds like a keeper...

SinisterBumFacedCat · 16/05/2022 13:28

The pair of them are trash. Both. Equal. Trash.

OP you deserve much better. This IS cheating. No excuses. Fuck him. LTB

DeskInUse · 16/05/2022 13:28

I'd print off some of the messages and give them to her dh.

My exdh did this and my one regret is I didn't tell her dh. Tbh I stayed, but it destroyed our relationship as I could never trust him again. It took 3 years but I eventually left him. I lost all respect for him and ended up really disliking him

FetchezLaVache · 16/05/2022 13:28

nonono89 · 16/05/2022 13:14

  1. If you decide to forgive your shit DH make sure you don't get over it to quickly. Punish the bastard. Make him sleep on the sofa / counselling / tell his mum 😂
  1. I wouldn't talk to her or her husband.. she didn't exchange vows or promises with you ... that's your shit DH
  1. I'd be tempted to print her nudes and post them everywhere.. local shops, post office , bus station .. with the title "if anyone is in need of a prostitute & her number and full name "

I do hope you're kidding about number 3. Quite apart from it being illegal and immoral, it puts the blame squarely on the shoulders of the naughty evil temptress woman and entirely clears the poor innocent man whose helpless brain is wired in such a way that he couldn't possibly respond in any other way than to join in with the smutty chat and send photographs of his genitals to any (naughty, evil) woman who asked him to.

You have internalised your misogyny well.

ElenaSt · 16/05/2022 13:28

Well you could walk up to her in the playground and hand her some stretch mark cream and say that you've seen the photos and hope this helps or you could focus on the real issue her and that is your husband.

The other woman owes you nothing, and it is his despicable behaviour the op needs to focus on.

Cheated85 · 16/05/2022 13:28

Not that the house is huge ha, just the decision is huge.

OP posts:
TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 16/05/2022 13:30

Aquamarine1029 · 16/05/2022 13:14

This nonsense of blaming this woman for what your husband has done needs to stop right now. He is 100% responsible for everything he has done.

So the messages were all very sexual in nature. Her sending him nudes and him sending them back!

Absolute deal breaker. Your husband is a cheating scumbag.

But the other woman shares the blame. He wasn't receiving nudes from himself he was getting them from her. Decent people don't fuck around with someone else's wife/husband.

The ow isn't some innocent,she knowingly got involved with a married man

TheOriginalClownfish · 16/05/2022 13:31

Flirty messages, well that could be argued that there's a spectrum of what's acceptable and what is crossing the line. Nude photos, and explicit content are so far over the line that you are firmly into cheating territory.

He was happy to do this from the very first message because frankly, he knew what he would get from her, if she's already well known for it.
Otherwise he would have been disgusted, blocked her and ignored her.

If they weren't yet shagging, it was just down to the lack of opportunity, otherwise why all the messages?

Badger1970 · 16/05/2022 13:32

He's already gaslighting the fuck out of you.

You say he hasn't sleep with her? Hand on heart, can you say he hasn't?

No, because he's already proved that he's a liar.

Bunty55 · 16/05/2022 13:34

It's your husband who is in the wrong here. You need to get this.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 16/05/2022 13:34

This is 💯 your DH's fault. Don't blame her because I'm doing so you absolve him of blame.

Personally I'd kick him out for a while at least but life is more complicated than that.

Good luck with whatever path you choose.

Zemw · 16/05/2022 13:35

Oh OP this is so shit for you but if I was in your position I'd make him leave. Such betrayal!

Eviebeans · 16/05/2022 13:35

Do you think you could go back to a situation of trusting him completely- not wondering where he is, what he is doing and who with? He's got to work late - but is he really...

Dixiechickonhols · 16/05/2022 13:36

I wouldn’t assume no shagging. Where’s there’s a will there’s a way. I assume he works so could have been sloping off. I’d sort an STI check for your own health and peace of mind.

ferrisbuelleronadayout · 16/05/2022 13:37

is she married? I would forward the pictures to her husband. And if she is not them I would be tempted to print them out and confront her at the school gate and ask her why she has been sending these to your husband. Why are you getting embarrassed? Those idiots who engaged in this behaviour should be embarrassed, not you. Their behaviour is not a reflection on you or that you have any short comings. If any one is a joke, it's them. Treat them like one.

IncompleteSenten · 16/05/2022 13:38

Swearing on your children's lives doesn't cause anything to happen to them if the person is lying.

Tbh I think it's used by people who are guilty because they think it's some sort of proof of innocence.

If a child ever keels over after someone's 'sworn on their life' then I'll change my mind but until then its nothing but manipulative bullshit.

He wanted to fuck her. Focus on him not her. She could do nothing without his active participation. I know it's tempting to focus on the woman rather than the fact your husband was being led by his dick and didn't give a shit about you but you need to decide whether you can forgive him rather than try to convince yourself she's this femme fatale who he was powerless to resist.

He fully planned to fuck her. He just got caught too soon.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 16/05/2022 13:38

It is BOTH their faults. The OP is absolutely entitled to be angry with the pair of them.

Lunificent · 16/05/2022 13:39

Although the decision about leaving or not is huge, you have to know that he definitely will do this again, with her or with someone else.
So you are going to have to face upheaval one way or another.
Once a cheat, always a cheat!

catandcoffee · 16/05/2022 13:39

Think on this...she owes you nothing...your Husband owes you respect and loyalty... has he shown you this..NO.

Fucking men who think with their dick.

bathsh3ba · 16/05/2022 13:40

It's very easy to say 'leave' or 'chuck him out' when you're not in the situation. Personally, I wouldn't automatically jump to that assumption. It may be that is the best decision but you need time and space to consider your options.

I would suggest that if he cheats more than once, refuses counselling or tries to blame you (other than in the heat of an argument after which he apologises and means it), it is highly unlikely the marriage can be saved.

But if it's a one-off and if he is willing to really work at things and to accept the blame, then sometimes these things can be fixed.

So take your time and don't be rushed but don't be afraid to leave if you decide that's best. Agree with those saying this isn't on you, it's on him and the other woman. I would block the other woman and maybe tell the husband anonymously but I would not publicly air dirty laundry, it's not fair on your or her kids.

ferrisbuelleronadayout · 16/05/2022 13:40

I completely understand why you would not want to leave your husband, but I will honestly want to berate and humiliate him and the woman in public for being such a vile vile person. If you really can't leave them you need to do two things.
1- get couples therapy to work through it
2- Get it in writing if that ever happens agains what the consequences would be like keeping the house, full custody and a set amount of maintenance.

Watermill · 16/05/2022 13:42

What a disgusting pig he is!

Very few women could genuinely forgive and forget that kind of behaviour OP. The trust in your marriage is over. It's also possible that they have had sex - of course he is going to deny that.

You don't need to make any huge decisions yet but I would ask him to move out whilst you try to get your head around what he has done. I would also see a solicitor so you know what your options are if you decide to split.

Assistanttotheregionalmanager · 16/05/2022 13:43

It isn’t different because it is happening to you. Similar happened to me and I stayed and it happened again. Can you really put up with the paranoia- every-time his phone bleeps? Or even if it doesnt and you notice it on silent and wonder why it is? It will eat you up! You deserve better. LTB

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/05/2022 13:45

He’s kind of fallen at the first challenge though hasn’t he? He could’ve said no thanks I’m married but he took it and ran with it instead.

Hes really fucked everything up for you all.

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