To think my mothers entitlement is astonishing

[Worryinglyworried73]

My parents divorced and both remarried when I was a teen (I am now in my late 40’s). My dad is ill and about to pass away and I stand to inherit a chunk of money. I live in a rented flat & have never owned a home so will likely try to buy somewhere using my inheritance as a deposit.

Cue my mother who somehow thinks she has a stake in that money. She basically said that she hopes I will give her some money as my father didn’t give her enough when when they separated for me in terms of maintenance. it’s like she can see pound signs.

Aibu to think WTF? She had an inheritance from my grandparents & didn’t give me a penny of that - her & my stepfather bought a new car & had some nice holidays. They own their home outright.

I feel so outraged to be honest.

Just suggest to DM that chasing/expecting money on the basis of having sex with them is akin to prostitution.

Yet more mindless, outrageous ageism on MN. Older people are individuals, just like your generation are.

People are people. There are good folk and arseholes in every generation, in my long experience generally in roughly equal proportion. I raised my kids alone when ex hubby bunked off with a much younger woman. I was massively disadvantaged financially as I just had no fight in me at the time. If my kids ever inherited I'd be happy for them, concerned about how they were coping with the loss of their dad and not interested in a penny tbh.

Er - the poor man is still ALIVE you say? Very bad form for anyone to be squabbling over his money already!!

If your dad had planned on money going to your mum, he would be leaving it to her. It sounds like she wasted her inheritance and now wants to get her hands on yours.

Sorry about your dad. I'd tell your mum that you'll pass it on to her in your will.

It's odd how many posters have said they have been in a similar situation. I can't imagine wanting, never mind asking, my child to pay me for looking after him; looking after him is my job because I'm his mum. I suppose it's the mother getting mixed up between their ex's money and what has then become their child's money. While the ex lives, it is reasonable to want money back from them if some maintenance is owed. Once the ex dies the money isn't theirs, so it flips to that ugly position of asking your DD to recompense you for their own living costs as a child. Perhaps reframing it like that would help your DM to see what she's asking for "Are you saying that you want me to pay you maintenance for my teen years? How much do you feel I owe you for my clothes and bills?".

OP, if your mother had real love or care for you, she would not behave in such a greedy and selfish manner. She might, even, have offered to help you financially in getting on the housing ladder, if that was financially possible for her. However, what she'd definitely not be doing is becoming so grasping so long after divorcing your father. Do not give in, even for a moment, to her emotional blackmail.

For now, just blank her and focus your time, efforts and love on your father in his last days. Afterwards yes, a good idea to tell her you'll do what she did when she got her own inheritance. After all, if it was good enough behaviour from her, the same should apply to you, surely? Then step away from her whilst you get on with your own life. 🌹

I'm really sorry about your dad.

Your mother is out of order. This is your fathers will, if he had wanted her to have some money he would have made provision.

Please execute his wishes, invest for your future.

The maintenance your mother feels she missed out on when you were a child should have been money for you, not her. So now your father is able to ‘compensate’ you for what he didn’t pay (in her mind) when you were younger.
Sorry you are having to deal with this entitled behaviour, on top of losing your father.

It's not that unusual, my SIL actually got taken to court by her own mother who was trying to get her hands on the money.

Just don't engage in conversation/tell her how much you get. If she keeps on just be very clear that you need the money for a house and she isn't entitled to any.

Pure selfish greed. Don't give her a penny.

Don't give her a penny.

@Worryinglyworried73 If your father didn't pay adequate amounts of maintenance then your mother is entitled to feel aggrieved about that. Although if you're in your late 40s now, maybe it's time for her to build a bridge and get over it.

My own deadbeat dad didn't pay a single penny in maintenance for me after they split. He was in a different country so my late mother couldn't chase. If she were still alive and he left me an inheritance, I can't imagine her trying to extract her due from me.

That would be like punishing ME twice - once for not receiving the benefits of any maintenance as a youngster (we were hard up) and now again, as an adult, when he finally goes some way to rectify the situation.

Your mother should be thrilled that you may finally be able to buy your own home - have you told her you intend to use the money as a deposit?

@Worryinglyworried73 sorry about your dad and enjoy what time you have left with him.

My DH had exactly the same outrageous request from MIL who walked away from her marriage straight into the arms of her feckless alcoholic boss. She did have reason to leave to be fair, FIL was no angel, but she didn’t handle the situation well at all (wouldn’t listen to Solicitor advice, make reasonable decisions through the divorce proceedings) so basically left a good chunk of money she could reasonably have asked for and probably would been awarded.

She and her new DH then proceeded to piss away everything she did get, and when FIL got very ill told DH she was expecting any potential inheritance “should come her way” as that was “the right thing to do” 😯Lots of late night texts about it and was clearly very focussed on getting back what she felt she’d lost.

The extra twist in this story is that FIL left everything to a new partner his children didn’t even really know about, so his kids got nothing. It was the single most shocking thing I had experienced in a family in my life at that point - that a parent would pick a partner if less than a year over their children. MIL inherited a lot from her parents and is now pissing that away so DH and siblings will likely inherit nothing from her either.

OP - we are roughly the same age and DH’s parents divorced round about the same time as yours. There was the opportunity 20/30 years ago for your DM to sort herself out. If she didn’t do that, it’s on her, not you. My DH was very cool and calm and just kept saying to her when she raised it that they would deal when his father died. In the end DH didn’t have it to give her and her comment when told a new partner had the whole estate was that she could see why FIL had made the decision he did, as he was clearly looking after new partner and the kids were young enough to take care of themselves. Mind blown! Utter narcissist.

Inheritance is never a right, and DH has coped admirably making his own way in the world given that neither of his parents have made any effort to help him financially and his mother was actually looking to take away what he might have got. You will hopefully get everything from your dad and then build your own life. You don’t owe her anything.

“Sorry mum, that money is the deposit for a house. If there’s anything left at the end I’ll take you out for a meal/spa day/show.” Repeat forever.

I think cockroaches smell money when there's a will.
Certainly happening in my family at the moment 😕
Stick to your guns (I know I am)
Good luck 💐

@DonnyBurrito My DM was in a similar position, she raised us alone and struggled whilst my dad pissed away any money he had. He left her with the house but maintenance was sporadic and little. Contact was there but unreliable. He died drunk, alone and on the verge of homelessness. My DM is still very very bitter and does expect that we ‘owe’ her. Holidays, gifts, money, well paid childminding…… None if it’s ever ever enough and that creates anger all round.

@Worryinglyworried73 DM is comfortably off and this is her daughters chance to have some financial independence and she begrudges it.
This tells me that the OPs DM still cannot get past her bitterness and is still focused on her pain despite being happily remarried. This is toxic and selfish. I can empathise with her feeling aggrieved at her ex’s past behaviour but she should be able to manage it after all this time. She should just move on and be happy for her child.
We choose to have our children, we work bloody hard and make endless sacrifices to raise them but that is our choice. No one is owed anything, but if we manage things well then kindness, love and support will sustain a healthy relationship. in the situation where there isn’t even a card on Mother’s Day, something has gone very badly wrong somewhere and I can see how that can happen with either or both parties shouldering some blame.

Ignore her - end of

I really can't fathom a mother who is financially secure herself, owning her home outright, begrudging her daughter the money that will finally give her the chance to own her own home and get a bit of security. The daughter, who is already in her late forties and hasn't been able to do this before, like so many people these days sadly.

Meanwhile, knowing this, she's spent her own inheritance on luxuries, not giving her daughter a penny. What kind of mother is that? She should be pleased for her daughter as any caring parent would be. OP, don't give her anything. Don't be made to feel guilty about it.

Its your Dad's money and he has decided where he wants it to go ... to you.
But he's still alive and it's really bad form of your Mum to try and make a claim on it. I bet he would probably be a bit horrified.
You must execute his wishes as he intended and not be guilt tripped into making payments to someone who was not recognised in his will, probably for good reason (she left him).

She is being unreasonable here I think .30 years ago ,she got divorced from your Dad .Surely a frank and complete disposal of Assets then would have been given out. She had half their house,bought another one and remarried!She is being a CF .Just ignore or show her these comments!

I'm just 😂😂😂😂 at her cheek!

She's had inheritance. You spend yours as you wish. She is being greedy and hoping you will give her your money - don't.

I mean I could get the mum having a moan to her husband over a glass of wine about her ex not stumping up when she was looking after their child, if indeed that was the case. But trying to claw the money away from her daughter now when she’s very comfortably off and the daughter is struggling?! Hell no!

it really does seem to be some people of a certain age, very much have the mindset ‘I’m alright Jack’ and have little care for anyone else

just ignore her and if the subject gets raised by her again all you need to do is say well actually mother i was wanting to use that money as a desposit to buy my own home , being as iv never owned one before . you could then add , because you already own your own home dont you ? or you could just not add that bit on , depends if she shuts up after the first statement or not