To think my mothers entitlement is astonishing

[Worryinglyworried73]

My parents divorced and both remarried when I was a teen (I am now in my late 40’s). My dad is ill and about to pass away and I stand to inherit a chunk of money. I live in a rented flat & have never owned a home so will likely try to buy somewhere using my inheritance as a deposit.

Cue my mother who somehow thinks she has a stake in that money. She basically said that she hopes I will give her some money as my father didn’t give her enough when when they separated for me in terms of maintenance. it’s like she can see pound signs.

Aibu to think WTF? She had an inheritance from my grandparents & didn’t give me a penny of that - her & my stepfather bought a new car & had some nice holidays. They own their home outright.

I feel so outraged to be honest.

She can jog on. Totally unreasonable of her, you are about to lose your Dad and all she can think of is money.

I’m so sorry about your Dad, I hope you are able to spend some time with him before he passes and that there are other more supportive people around.

Spend your inheritance on your own home - whatever went on between your parents is not your responsibility. You have a right to build some security for yourself as your father wished. Take care.

She's a vile money grabber.
Don't give her a penny.

It is astonishing that someone long divorced can see pound signs in relation to her dying ex-husband. That she is remarking on such a thing while your father is still alive is insensitive in the extreme and that she is already pressurising you about this before you've even begun to mourn your father demonstrates a lack of care for you. Sorry for your coming loss op. I think I would say shall we wait to see what's in his will be and then refuse any further discussion. 💐

Your dad is still alive. Why are you all planning what should happen to his money? Horrible.

Tell her you'll give her the same amount she gave you from her inheritance.

What on Earth?! Op isn’t ‘planning’ anything, her mum is

@Acheyknees OP’s DM could access the probate record to see the will… lying as you are suggesting isn’t good advice.

Wow. That's taking grabby to a whole new level!

I'd keep schtum and not give her the details.

It's really sad that she's thinking of the money and not how you must be feeling about losing your Dad.

Hope you're doing OK, OP.

I think achy meant the mother will get nothing-

Read the OP, she is.

Cheeky monkey.

@NewandNotImproved I completely disagree. I think adult children owe their ageing parents respect and kindness - unless, of course, they were a responsibility shirking/selfish/abusive (that goes without saying) parent.

You see this all over here on Mother's Day. People very hurt that their kids (and partners) have forgotten them. Would you happily tell them that their kids owe them nothing? Should Mother's Day even exist at all in your world view? I am curious.

My kids will be very well off when they inherit from their dad and have told me that they will always take care of me. (They know that I was very much screwed over- morally/financially as we weren't married and he took full advantage of that)
However I would never EXPECT anything from their inheritance nor would I voice that before their dad was even cold. What galls me most is that your Mum must see that your inheritance would help you out immeasurably and is still trying to take that away. To even suggest such a thing would say to me that she is morally bankrupt.
I'm sure some of the replies on here are upsetting to you as no one really wants to think badly of their own mum, but I would suggest taking a page out of your mums book and think about you, because that's all she is thinking about.

Spin it on its head and ask her, do you want me to give you the money and see me to struggle trying to save money for a deposit for a home or would you like me to take the money and build a solid future? Her answer will of course speak volumes.

She should get nothing and I'm shocked she asked. I'm so sorry about your father.

I divorced years ago, struggled to bring up the children (then early teens) on very little, didn't have much from their father. I never got any share of anything, rented and still do, while my ex is settled and has remarried etc. But I have had a happy life, I am quite content; I assume my ex will leave something for his (now adult) children when he goes....I wouldn't dream of asking for some of it, the thought would never cross my mind. I'm amazed anyone would have the nerve to ask. Why should you hand over any of it? It's rightfully yours.

My mum says this to me a lot - that basically she’d like to move back into the family home ‘that he took off her’.

Also, while he’s still alive I’m to retrieve ‘her’ laburnum tree and the lilacs.

In saying that, I had hard times but we survived and I don't want any of their inheritance. I wouldn't want paid by anyone let alone my own children.

Achey said

tell her that your Dad expressed it in his will that she should get nothing

it’s pretty easy for the DM to get access to the will, if OP follows this advice she is likely to be found out.

If your father didn't pay adequate child maintenance, I can sort of understand her logic @Worryinglyworried73 . Bringing up a child (or children) as a single mother is tough, especially if the children's father is not contributing.

So could you respond to her demand by saying that you know your father didn't contribute fairly to the costs of raising yo, but him leaving you this money is making up for that, and giving you a bit of a leg up, that he didn't help with when he was alive?

If you responded in this way, you are acknowledging her pain over your father's possible lack of financial contribution when he was alive (if that is the case?), and framing your inheritance as something like compensation to you for his lack of care when you were a child.

I think it is desperately sad and I think it signifies how stuck people can become when they are unable to move past the end of their marriage.

40 years ago there was very little maternity leave, women had only just got equal pay, and men could get away with almost total non-support of their children on divorce. And much much more.

Many women stayed in marriages because they knew that life with children after divorce would ave been really difficult. It still is today - look at all the posts in here about ex-husbands who do very little to live up to their responsibilities as fathers.

It is still the case that women with children become much poorer after divorce. Their ex-husbands (with the same children!) generally become richer.

So those of you making really unempathetic & ageist comments, maybe reflect on the circumstances of your mothers. As a couple of PP have said, maybe you don't know how tough it was because your mothers sacrificed their own feelings & well-being to ensure that you did not see how unsatisfactory your fathers were in stepping up to the time and money responsibilities of fatherhood, post-divorce.

I bet your dad wouldn't want you giving any of his money to his ex wife!

The only thing with that is that most mums would take the food off their own plate and clothes off their own back for their children, but it is a sacrifice many married women didn't solely sign up for when they and their husbands chose to have children together.

My dad sat back and watched my mum stress and struggle with two young children on her own, and seemed to enjoy knowing she had very little time or money for herself, while he zipped around in a flashy car without a care in the world. He literally bragged about how little he could get away with paying to her. We didn't miss out financially growing up, because she made sure she made up for the hole he left. She was the one who suffered.

I imagine OPs mum was in not too dissimilar a situation.

Tbh even if I had been treated shabbily by an ex…. If I were secure and had inheritance from parents myself I certainly wouldn’t begrudge DC… no other way to see it but unreasonable and grasping.

You can sympathize with the circumstances of the mother without feeling like it’s the responsibility of the daughter to ‘put it right’ to the detriment of her own well-being, especially when said mother is quite comfortable and hasn’t been forthcoming in sharing her own inheritance.

Whatever relationship there was between the mother and father, whatever resentments, is separate to the relationship between the daughter and her father. OP is allowed to love her father, and have a good relationship with him, without being expected to take sides.

It’s a bit morbid for your mum to already make plans with her ex-husband’s money, especially since they’ve been separated for over 3 decades or so…

• You parents separated when you were a teen, does that mean she was even entitled to child maintenance?
• Your mum had half the marital home as a payout when they separated and both remarried. She left your dad and when they divorced, not only got half the house, she went on bought another one so she was hardly destitute. She then remarried 2 years later.
• Your mum received a sizeable inheritance from your grandparents and didn’t give you a penny, all the while you’ve been renting? Is that correct?
• If both your parents remarried, what will happen to your mum’s assets? Will it be distributed to step-siblings and to yourself?

So what makes your mum think she has some kind of stake to your dad’s money just because he went onto become successful after they separated?

If you stand to inherit a lot from your mum and she was entitled to maintenance and didn’t receive any, I might consider paying her the amount that she was owed. For example, who paid for all your things, such as uniform etc.? Perhaps as a small thank you gesture, you could give her some? But that’s if not only do you stand to inherit from your mum, she was also left with all the financial responsibilities on her own.

But I’d make it clear that your dad wants you to be on the housing property ladder and just as she inherited from her parents, you’re inheriting from your dad so any small amount you give her is more of a nice token of acknowledgment if she was left with all the responsibilities by herself even if she was the one to choose to separate.

Hopefully your mum will see sense as she’s hardly on the poverty line with all these assets that she has.

It seems to me people tend to re-write their memories as time moves on.

A community ''friend'' recently commented on a FB post about giving a spouse rural land and living the dream life, the ''friend'' commented that even after you do that, they want more.. (friend of course is now separated from his spouse due to his infidelity). What he doesn't seem to admit was that it was his In-law's who paid for their property, and which he is now seeking settlement monies from...

tell her if she wasn't happy with the money your Dad provided for child support, she had the option of taking him back to court or the relevant child support agency. It's not your problem.