Page 4 | To think my mothers entitlement is astonishing

Worryinglyworried73 · 2022-05-15T19:32:34+00:00

My parents divorced and both remarried when I was a teen (I am now in my late 40’s). My dad is ill and about to pass away and I stand to inherit a chunk of money. I live in a rented flat & have never owned a home so will likely try to buy somewhere using my inheritance as a deposit. Cue my mother who somehow thinks she has a stake in that money. She basically said that she hopes I will give her some money as my father didn’t give her enough when when they separated for me in terms of maintenance. it’s like she can see pound signs. Aibu to think WTF? She had an inheritance from my grandparents & didn’t give me a penny of that - her & my stepfather bought a new car & had some nice holidays. They own their home outright. I feel so outraged to be honest.

Blaze1886 · 15/05/2022 22:05

Put her in her place OP

Thepossibility · 15/05/2022 22:07

EmotionBot9to5 · 15/05/2022 20:48

''Fucks sake''

Seriously?

It sounds like the financial sacrifices of raising her / your father's child (ren) were not equal and no doubt the free time was not equal either. So she had most of the child care I'm guessing? And the lion's share of the financial sacrifices? During ''the best years'' of her life. It can be very difficult to get back in to the work place as a ''mum returner'' (somebody did call me that, a recruitment agent).

Even if you give her nothing which is your absolute prerogative, dismissing her desire to see the sacrifices of parenting equalised retrospectively with a dismissive ''fucks sake'' is really lacking in empathy.

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It is not OP's fault that her mother chose to marry her father, nor ANY child's that their parents decided to have children with a less than ideal partner. It's not her job to make up for any financial loss her mother feels like she's entitled to. FFS indeed!

Foolsrule · 15/05/2022 22:10

Surely there was a financial settlement after the divorce and so everything was divided up then? I don’t really see where she’s coming from TBH!

Luculentus · 15/05/2022 22:11

EmotionBot9to5 · 15/05/2022 20:48

''Fucks sake''

Seriously?

It sounds like the financial sacrifices of raising her / your father's child (ren) were not equal and no doubt the free time was not equal either. So she had most of the child care I'm guessing? And the lion's share of the financial sacrifices? During ''the best years'' of her life. It can be very difficult to get back in to the work place as a ''mum returner'' (somebody did call me that, a recruitment agent).

Even if you give her nothing which is your absolute prerogative, dismissing her desire to see the sacrifices of parenting equalised retrospectively with a dismissive ''fucks sake'' is really lacking in empathy.

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I agree

Wishihadanalgorithm · 15/05/2022 22:12

A calm conversation is needed, OP, where you explain your dad has left you the money and you have plans to help you with your own future. This is the same as when your DM inherited money from her parents.

Close the conversation down when/if she argues back.

The money grabbing aspect of this is vile, especially as you will be mourning the loss of your father. I am sorry you are having to go through such a tough time with your mum only making things worse.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 15/05/2022 22:12

I've not had a penny in maintanance for years. No way I'd take anything off my dc though! Id be really happy for them if they had an inheritance that could help buy them a house

sofiathe2nd · 15/05/2022 22:13

You're definitely not unreasonable. My dad said exactly the same after my mum's death: his parents helped them buy their first house, he got less in the divorce (15 years before she died) and therefore ge should be entitled to a share of her estate.

NewandNotImproved · 15/05/2022 22:16

EmotionBot9to5 · 15/05/2022 20:48

''Fucks sake''

Seriously?

It sounds like the financial sacrifices of raising her / your father's child (ren) were not equal and no doubt the free time was not equal either. So she had most of the child care I'm guessing? And the lion's share of the financial sacrifices? During ''the best years'' of her life. It can be very difficult to get back in to the work place as a ''mum returner'' (somebody did call me that, a recruitment agent).

Even if you give her nothing which is your absolute prerogative, dismissing her desire to see the sacrifices of parenting equalised retrospectively with a dismissive ''fucks sake'' is really lacking in empathy.

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She chose to have a kid. As did you. Kids owe their parents nothing.
Your ‘sacrifices’ were your choice, as a consequence of your lifestyle choice to create people. Jfc

Whooshaagh · 15/05/2022 22:16

Feckingfeck · 15/05/2022 21:36

Is this a thing... aunty is a boomer and her cheeky fuckery is next level!

Sorry OP your mum can feck off with herself!

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No it’s not a boomer thing. How ridiculous.
All the boomers I know are paying there dc’s house deposits.

AchatAVendre · 15/05/2022 22:17

Wow. So she had:

half the house from the divorce settlement

maintenance from your dad to help raise you

owns her own house outright with her second husband

had an inheritance from your grandparents from which she gave you nothing

While you rent in an era of much higher house prices.

Tell her to take a running jump OP! How selfish of her. Horrible way to react to someone's death, even an ex, and horrible way to treat her daughter.

Zilla1 · 15/05/2022 22:19

HNRTT but ah, the famous reverse chronological maintenance gambit. Obviously the only response is the traditional 'I'd love to but DDad has made me promise to use it to buy a house' face saving probably true if he realised what was going on response. entitled parental chess. She sounds like an amateur. Hope she's not an executor and your DDad has a post divorce will.

Sorry about your father, OP. Has he told you all his stories.

ventreàterre · 15/05/2022 22:21

The "Boomer" generation of my family have all been extremely generous with their children and grandchildren, not at all the grasping type. Why drag generations into it?

OP, YANBU. She shouldn't be asking for money. I'd very clearly tell her what you have planned for the money. Parents make sacrifices for their children, and as long as they're not struggling, they shouldn't expect money back. This inheritance has nothing to do with her. She should be happy that it will help you buy a house!

CockSpadget · 15/05/2022 22:23

Wow, she's one cheeky mother!

Monty27 · 15/05/2022 22:30

EmotionBot9to5 · 15/05/2022 20:48

''Fucks sake''

Seriously?

It sounds like the financial sacrifices of raising her / your father's child (ren) were not equal and no doubt the free time was not equal either. So she had most of the child care I'm guessing? And the lion's share of the financial sacrifices? During ''the best years'' of her life. It can be very difficult to get back in to the work place as a ''mum returner'' (somebody did call me that, a recruitment agent).

Even if you give her nothing which is your absolute prerogative, dismissing her desire to see the sacrifices of parenting equalised retrospectively with a dismissive ''fucks sake'' is really lacking in empathy.

Show quote history

Not knowing the background of the split and whether or not your mother is comfortable now, was there financial difficulty for your mum after the break up?
I can entirely understand your DM if that's the case. Including the inheritance from her parents. Maybe she paid debts off with that?
What you do now is your prerogative.

ilovesooty · 15/05/2022 22:32

MollyRover · 15/05/2022 20:55

YABU imo. I find a lot of women your mother's age are entitled so it's not astonishing, god bless the babyboomers . Don't give her a brass farthing nonetheless.

Ageist twaddle.

billy1966 · 15/05/2022 22:34

OP,

I think telling her that your father advised you to buy a home and you want to honour that, is best.

I wouldn't bother getting into with her.

It does sound very tacky from her though.

whatsthecraic91 · 15/05/2022 22:34

I would tell her to go & fuck herself.

Springsunshine1 · 15/05/2022 22:37

@EmotionBot9to5 You sound like a great mother but you also sound like you feel that your children ‘owe’ you for what you did for them.

My own separated DM had and still has this attitude, my father was pretty useless. She did most of it herself and we greatly appreciated this but it isn’t great for a mother to hold this over her adult children. Kindness and respect should grow rather than be based on a feeling of obligation

Pink993 · 15/05/2022 22:38

The maintenance would have been meant for you or to be spent on you for food, heating, clothing or whatever. It wouldn’t have been for your Mum to spend on something for herself now you aren’t living with her. Her time for questioning maintenance payments is well gone and should have been done when you were living with her. They stopped being paid out at age 18/19 at the latest and as a result you will keep the money from your Father, as if the maintenance would have been spent on you, you’ve now got it so can spend it on…..You!

Im sorry to hear about your father.

Luculentus · 15/05/2022 22:40

Pink993 · 15/05/2022 22:38

The maintenance would have been meant for you or to be spent on you for food, heating, clothing or whatever. It wouldn’t have been for your Mum to spend on something for herself now you aren’t living with her. Her time for questioning maintenance payments is well gone and should have been done when you were living with her. They stopped being paid out at age 18/19 at the latest and as a result you will keep the money from your Father, as if the maintenance would have been spent on you, you’ve now got it so can spend it on…..You!

Im sorry to hear about your father.

But because the maintenance wasn't paid, who paid for OP's food, heating, clothing etc? Maybe her mother?

PurassicJark · 15/05/2022 22:41

EmotionBot9to5 · 15/05/2022 22:03

Jesus christ. The venom.

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As you said yourself, a good mother wouldn't take from their kids even if they offered. A good mother certainly wouldn't ask for the money as if they are owed it. That woman is a heartless bitch who hasn't actually helped out her own kid when she could have, she spent her money on a car and holidays. It was her money though, so why exactly should op spend her money on her mother that didn't consider her? Can't go round asking for money if you don't give it when you have it. She's a greedy cow. I was being generous on the pound.

allboysherebutme · 15/05/2022 22:41

Don't give her any x

Acheyknees · 15/05/2022 22:49

When she mentions it again, tell her that your Dad expressed it in his will that she should get nothing as he knew she would ask!

Organictangerine · 15/05/2022 22:50

Acheyknees · 15/05/2022 22:49

When she mentions it again, tell her that your Dad expressed it in his will that she should get nothing as he knew she would ask!

No, I wouldn’t make up something that your beloved late dad said, that feels all kinds of wrong - like shifting the blame onto him to avoid a conversation that you would be right about anyway!

NumberTheory · 15/05/2022 22:55

I can appreciate that many divorced mothers are morally owed money by their exes for the costs of raising children that the father ducked out of. So I can see the logic that it should come from their ex's estate. But that isn't the law. She isn't entitled to it and if she's financially comfortable I think it's pretty outrageous to voice a desire for recompense to children who are inheriting.