To frown on an untidy house

[allinadaystwerk]

My house is not a haven of organised domestic bliss by any means, I have messy corners and cupboards and all that stuff. And some days are much better than others. But I visited someone I've known a while for the 1st time
and was shocked at the state of the house. It was not dirty or smelly. Washing up was done and toilet was clean. But there was clothes everywhere! And clutter and paperwork, letters leaflets and general stuff just not put away, shoes were left in the living room and piles upon piles of laundry. Everywhere I looked there was stuff and an untidy mess. Clearlyvot had been this way for some time. I felt quite sad but also kind of disgruntled. I wanted them to do better but had to have a word with myself and find my way to not being a judgy cow. Thing is, if im honest, a bit of me still feels a bit disgruntled and frustrated.. I'll most likely be asked to the home again as we get on very well and of course a messy home is no reason to ruin a friendship. Question is am I being unreasonable to feel like this? .

@Greenhighlights - thank you for introducing me to the poem "Song for a Fifth Child". Lovely. And it shows how universal and historical these issues and balances really are. Nothing new under the sun...

The best thing to have come out of this thread 😊

You sound like a bad friend.
fwiw my house can get like that over a couple of days if I ‘don’t do better’ and keep on top. So YA also BU to say it’s clearly been like that for a while.

If your friend is hoarding as you claimed in your follow up post then you do realise that hoarding is a recognised mental illness and you are being even more unreasonable for judging her.

Yes absolutely this.

What’s it to you ? That how my house looks by Thursday , worse if I had a bad week with one of the kids poorly or similar !
you seem judgmental .

Omg you are going to speak with her ?? Why ?? What will that achieve ? Shame on you . And you mention “ good I’m no longer suicidal “ . Well you don’t come across as ver emphatic if you have had a tough patch and you think speaking with your friend is a good idea .

It was not dirty or smelly. Washing up was done and toilet was clean
Sounds fine

More of a deluge than a drip.

Although issues aren’t a reason to make someone else feel shit about themselves. That is just unkind.

Although 20/10 for over-egging.

I just can't imagine visiting a friend and checking to see if their washing up had been done to my standards. I did visit a friend last week, and I didn't check her sink or her dishwasher because I do not give a damn.

2nd although should not have been there.

i didn’t get round to putting it away.

Not sure what a drip feed is but i think its something to do with giving more info later in the thread? If so, I maybe a bit guilty of that, I suppose I thought I'd explained myself well and clicked send. Easy mistake? I think so, but I'll check and double check next time. Essentially, I posted so that I could figure out my reaction because I was perturbed by it, i was trying to figure out why was I feeling so uncomfortable?? Mumsnet usually has sensible answers so, I asked as a point of learning and discussion.

Hate from some of the posters on this thread will not bring me down. I know i am a good person who has been through the ringer in life.

Anyway I have just finished speaking to my friend. The conversation went like this:
Me: did you notice I was quiet at yours the other day

Them: yep and I know why too

Me: you do?

Them: of course! its because I have red curtains and a green sofa isn't it!!!!

Me: awkward silence

Them: (laughing hard) But seriously I know I have a problem just dont know what to do or where to start.

Me: i hate that I felt wierd, I was like wtf stop thinking like that you judgemental cow

Them: awww I feel like that when I'm in your car and you drive like an arsehole when there's just no need. I say to myself, she can't help it, she's not well then I feel all patronising and bitchy... and scared

Me: more awkward silence, then loud laughter, then... well you drive then! (They can't drive 😆)

Them: and you come and help me sort my shit tip.

Both: dealio!

We start next week,

We went on to talk more seriously about how things have got to where they for them are and why I felt that way (turns out its some historical bullshit + I'm a tincy bit judgy.. who knew!)

So, I feel much better. I've learned that honesty and Introspection helps us grow as humans. My friend is better than me. And, some people on here, like me, are truly fucked up and unreasonable
✌️ and ❤️

The judgmental tone of OP is why a significant number of people (as I've seen on MN) do not want anyone to visit them, either planned unplanned EVER. They would never meet the standards of such people.

Generally the opinions expressed in the OP are those of working or at push, lower-middle class. The house-proudness and all that. Fine of course as each their own and all that, but has no importance to OPs friend, whatsoever.

People like you are the reason my house does not get people invited to....

Weirdest conversation.
But glad it’s all sorted OP. Enjoy cleaning your friend’s house! And maybe try and stop driving like an arsehole, too… it’s dangerous!

Don't be daft. The opinions expressed by the OP are those of someone wanting to cause a bit of MN frothing.

Much like yours.

This is so weird that I now know why so many people on MN generally consider friendships to be too much "drama." I would hate if my friend came over and cleaned up all my work papers ( plus I wouldn't be able to find them), but I guess I am not good at introspection and growth.

If that conversation is genuine your friend was actually really pissed at you but you might have rescued things by laughing her comments about you driving off

Gonna need a bigger chicken 🥚

What's the betting the OP will decide after all that the thread is outing and ask MNHQ to pull it?

I didn't realise I drive like an arsehole 😖, but then I do swear at everyone and everything even traffic lights
the conversation between us is often strange, frank and honest. I like it. That's why I did not like feeling how I did in their home.

That conversation was...unusual. For rl human people, I mean.

@valerianaofficiana I'm full on working class and not very house proud at all..

@Catfish, 🥸🫣