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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To frown on an untidy house

311 replies

allinadaystwerk · 15/05/2022 16:30

My house is not a haven of organised domestic bliss by any means, I have messy corners and cupboards and all that stuff. And some days are much better than others. But I visited someone I've known a while for the 1st time
and was shocked at the state of the house. It was not dirty or smelly. Washing up was done and toilet was clean. But there was clothes everywhere! And clutter and paperwork, letters leaflets and general stuff just not put away, shoes were left in the living room and piles upon piles of laundry. Everywhere I looked there was stuff and an untidy mess. Clearlyvot had been this way for some time. I felt quite sad but also kind of disgruntled. I wanted them to do better but had to have a word with myself and find my way to not being a judgy cow. Thing is, if im honest, a bit of me still feels a bit disgruntled and frustrated.. I'll most likely be asked to the home again as we get on very well and of course a messy home is no reason to ruin a friendship. Question is am I being unreasonable to feel like this? .

OP posts:
ADHDgirls · 15/05/2022 20:56

YABVVVVU

ZarquonsSandals · 15/05/2022 20:58

I don't have a tidy house. It's clean where it needs to be and isn't unhygienic in the bits that aren't as clean as they could be.
Fortunately several of my friends have similarly untidy and disorganised houses.
By the time I work out what needs to be done, I seldom have the energy to do it all. As Quentin Crip is reputed to have said, "After the first 4 years, the dust will not get any worse."

luckylavender · 15/05/2022 21:01

What a horrible post. What on earth convinced you to post on AIBU if you weren't being goady? Your friend doesn't need you in her life.

TruthHertz · 15/05/2022 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

holycrapweasel · 15/05/2022 21:02

Are you talking about my house?

TruthHertz · 15/05/2022 21:04

Johnnysgirl · 15/05/2022 20:51

You dont need to "check" that the washing up is done or toilet is clean. People just happen to notice naturally, you know.
Not really. Only if they've made it their business to do an unsolicited house inspection.

Yes, really.

If you go to take a wee and the toilet is skidmark city you'll usually notice. Same if you go to get a drink and there's no clean glasses.

HerculesMulligan · 15/05/2022 21:04

You could be describing my house. When I lived alone (or when DH is away), my house is tidy and clean. When DH is running the show, well....

I work really long hours and he's a SAHD who does 9/10ths of the childcare, all of the cooking, most of the laundry and keeps on top of the bits of cleaning that are obviously essential (bathrooms, kitchen etc) but he could walk past a bunch of unopened post in the fruitbowl for a decade without flinching. I love him so much, and he makes me (and the kids) happy in every other respect so I'm trying to keep everything in perspective. We have squabbled about it an awful lot in the past, but honestly, a tidy house is a nice-to-have but not the only thing that matters.

123ROLO · 15/05/2022 21:05

This sounds like my house. I'm clean but untidy. Papers, laundry and clutter pile up, then every few weeks I do a bit sort out, and they pile up again.

I don't need to "do better", I'm just not very good at being tidy, but I'm very good at other things. And I prioritise my time differently, I do long dog walks, work long hours on my own business, and have a very active social life. Stressing over some laundry that needs put away just isn't high up on things for me to care about.

helenbackandbeyond · 15/05/2022 21:08

yabvu

NoGoodUsernamee · 15/05/2022 21:13

YABU. I’m like you, couldn’t live like it. But life is to short. Don’t judge someone over clutter.

Earlystartsmakemegrumpy · 15/05/2022 21:18

allinadaystwerk · 15/05/2022 16:30

My house is not a haven of organised domestic bliss by any means, I have messy corners and cupboards and all that stuff. And some days are much better than others. But I visited someone I've known a while for the 1st time
and was shocked at the state of the house. It was not dirty or smelly. Washing up was done and toilet was clean. But there was clothes everywhere! And clutter and paperwork, letters leaflets and general stuff just not put away, shoes were left in the living room and piles upon piles of laundry. Everywhere I looked there was stuff and an untidy mess. Clearlyvot had been this way for some time. I felt quite sad but also kind of disgruntled. I wanted them to do better but had to have a word with myself and find my way to not being a judgy cow. Thing is, if im honest, a bit of me still feels a bit disgruntled and frustrated.. I'll most likely be asked to the home again as we get on very well and of course a messy home is no reason to ruin a friendship. Question is am I being unreasonable to feel like this? .

I frown on judgemental twats.

AWeekinJanuary · 15/05/2022 21:30

Chikapu · 15/05/2022 19:44

You both said 'dealio' at the same time? I'm skeptical!

That was the most credible part of it for me!

Regardless of the genuineness or otherwise of this op, surely anyone with an untidy house (like me) knows there are many people who dislike mess and disorganisation, and some of those will dislike it so much they don’t enjoy visiting our homes and harbour negative thoughts about them. A bit like I might visit a friend’s house and dislike their decor or food. As long as we keep these thoughts to ourselves, who cares?

tootiredtoocare · 15/05/2022 21:40

What were you disgruntled about? That she didn't tidy up for you? You said yourself it wasn't dirty. She's either perfectly happy being clean but untidy, or things got on top of her slightly and she'll blitz it soon. Either way, none of your concern, and, yes, you are being extremely judgemental.

Iamthewombat · 15/05/2022 21:52

Can’t believe we had to wait twelve pages for the Quentin Crisp nonsense about the dirt not getting any worse after four years.

The venom that the OP’s post unleashed is the shocking thing about this thread. As well as being told that she didn’t deserve to have friends because she is horrible etc., we are also assured that anyone who likes a tidy home is boring, working class, doesn’t spend enough time with their children and spends every evening (according to a notable post upthread) “polishing the shower tray and lovingly ironing their knickers”.

All the whining about ‘being judged’ too. People are going to think thoughts, you know. You can’t do much about that. Deal with it.

Original poster
allinadaystwerk · 15/05/2022 22:07

@Iamthewombat
It was a battering I didn't expect but half deserved. I'm bloodied bruised but live to post another day soon, but not too soon.
Thanks for the perspective.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 15/05/2022 22:38

All the whining about ‘being judged’ too. People are going to think thoughts, you know. You can’t do much about that. Deal with it.

Of course. We all have thoughts. We all judge. We’re all human. But some things are better left unsaid.

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable. The majority told her she was and the reasons why. Can dish it out but can’t take it? Deal with it.

XenoBitch · 15/05/2022 22:58

Adding myself to the numerous comments that are wondering if it is me you are on about.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 15/05/2022 23:03

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable. The majority told her she was and the reasons why. Can dish it out but can’t take it? Deal with it.

Dealio with it surely…

bluesapphire48 · 16/05/2022 00:02

If there's no trash in what's scattered around, and the house is clean, then it's best to get used to it if you want to keep visiting your friend. Of if she hasn't sensed your concern, and is glad to have you keep visiting HER.

The only question is, over time, has (or will) the situation get worse? If it has, or if it will, then that may indicate some kind of depression on your friend's part, and your concern should be about why that might be so. But different people have different standards, and different ways of life and if personal loss or other reason for messiness is not a factor, then you should get used to the way your friend keeps house. You may even come to enjoy it, or feel a certain loosening up of your own tense style of housekeeping.
I'm fortunate to have been able to retire early (for medical reasons). Now as I think back, I remember how difficult it was to work and keep house, and I realize that I didn't keep my house nearly as clean as I do now. Now, I have plenty of time and nothing to do, and I do indeed polish knick-knacks and engage in other silly uses of time. My kitchen floor now is ALWAYS clean--not just after the weekend (or even, month). The dust doesn't pile up on shelves and the kitchen counters are generally free of crumbs and spills. I honestly don't know how my husband and kids stood it before, but I didn't see it; I was too busy preparing lesson plans for the morrow, or recovering from a particularly ugly situation in the classroom (I taught in a very stressful low-income area).
Maybe your friend needs you to care about WHY she's messy.

LicoricePizza · 16/05/2022 00:49

I actually wish I could be more like your friend in as be able to have people round when my house is messy. I find it really stressful if people do & I'm not prepared & wish I cld be one of these people that have no shame about others seeing the normal junk & clutter that surround our daily lives. I’m not tidy by nature too so it wld really help me!

Theoldwoman · 16/05/2022 01:13

It’s actually you who needs to do better and not judge your friends and then posting online about it.

Brieandcamembert · 16/05/2022 06:53

Hhmm I'm not convinced that there aren't more people who don't raise an eye brow about an untidy house.

Newmumatlast · 16/05/2022 06:55

allinadaystwerk · 15/05/2022 16:30

My house is not a haven of organised domestic bliss by any means, I have messy corners and cupboards and all that stuff. And some days are much better than others. But I visited someone I've known a while for the 1st time
and was shocked at the state of the house. It was not dirty or smelly. Washing up was done and toilet was clean. But there was clothes everywhere! And clutter and paperwork, letters leaflets and general stuff just not put away, shoes were left in the living room and piles upon piles of laundry. Everywhere I looked there was stuff and an untidy mess. Clearlyvot had been this way for some time. I felt quite sad but also kind of disgruntled. I wanted them to do better but had to have a word with myself and find my way to not being a judgy cow. Thing is, if im honest, a bit of me still feels a bit disgruntled and frustrated.. I'll most likely be asked to the home again as we get on very well and of course a messy home is no reason to ruin a friendship. Question is am I being unreasonable to feel like this? .

You need to ask yourself why this puts you out so much when it isnt your house or a close family member and coming from a place of concern. That is in my view not normal. It could be that your friend has something like undiagnosed ADHD, or depression or is just generally struggling. A good friend would take the time to ask how their friend is rather than being more bothered by the mess than the friend.

Blarting · 16/05/2022 07:31

Crikey YABVU!

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 16/05/2022 07:47

I think eyebrows would fluctuate brie but most would not open their gobs and very few would write a frothy post about it. 🤷‍♀️