To frown on an untidy house

[allinadaystwerk]

My house is not a haven of organised domestic bliss by any means, I have messy corners and cupboards and all that stuff. And some days are much better than others. But I visited someone I've known a while for the 1st time
and was shocked at the state of the house. It was not dirty or smelly. Washing up was done and toilet was clean. But there was clothes everywhere! And clutter and paperwork, letters leaflets and general stuff just not put away, shoes were left in the living room and piles upon piles of laundry. Everywhere I looked there was stuff and an untidy mess. Clearlyvot had been this way for some time. I felt quite sad but also kind of disgruntled. I wanted them to do better but had to have a word with myself and find my way to not being a judgy cow. Thing is, if im honest, a bit of me still feels a bit disgruntled and frustrated.. I'll most likely be asked to the home again as we get on very well and of course a messy home is no reason to ruin a friendship. Question is am I being unreasonable to feel like this? .

I admire your friend for opening her home and hospitality when things weren’t as good as they should be.

It’s something I find very difficult to do, and there have been times when I’ve kept people talking on the doorstep and regretted not having the courage to invite them in for coffee.

I’m really grateful when people invite me in - it gives me a little courage that life isn’t perfect for everyone else, and I’m touched that they trust me not to judge.

I know you’re uneasy in your reaction or you wouldn’t have posted.

Why were you disgruntled and frustrated? What an odd way to feel.

I’d think it was none of my damn business, we all have different levels of organisation and it doesn’t sound like the house was necessarily unclean.

If you’d seen my earlier reply you’d see that I explained how stressful mess is to me but that I understand it’s my own issues and part of my ASD.

Yes I do judge sometimes, I can be a bit black and white at times and have to remind myself to think more critically and take my own feelings out of the equation which can be really difficult. I also understand everyone lives differently and remind myself we all have different standards.

Your friend will know. I have a relative who isn’t shy about comments about tidyiness. Our house will never be immaculate but it’s at its worst on a Friday night but my word I feel judged even when I’ve stayed up late cleaning and it’s not show-home standard.

YABU. You said yourself that the house is clean. Some people have busy/exciting lives and don't want to commit all their time to having a show room worthy house.

You sound nice.

Why do you give a shit? I don't understand people who come on here and judge others for pathetically small things. I doubt your friend cares what you think anyway.

I think YABU but IME i know loads of people that do comment on this and they are all arty bohemian types which I think is odd as you would imagine they would be more casual about tidiness. One friend always apologies for the state of her place but I don't care as I am pleased we are not in my house. I have a tidy house due to an aesthetically obssessive architect husband but I hate hosting!

YABU

Objectively there is nothing wrong with a messy house. Have you thought through why you had such a strong reaction to something that isn't really that terrible? Your friend is either ok with it or struggling, and neither of those possibilities deserve judgement.

I guess for most people that live in mess, it's not a problem.

I visited a house last week for work. It was a really big and lovely one but OMG the mess. Every single room was a tip. I would hate to live like that, but I don't have to.

I know someone whose husband made her life miserable — he not only cheated but flaunted it in her face.
As her life fell apart, so did her house.

You are not only being unreasonable, you are being extremely cruel. Shame on you. You don’t know what this person is going through, but you persist in being judgmental. Wow

"Question is am I being unreasonable to feel like this? ."

Yes. Don't be a dick.

Have the next meet up in your own de cluttered home then

Yes, this. Ante very much upped.

What were you hoping to achieve by starting this thread OP?

Everyone to be in agreement with you? For one of us to send Kim & Aggy round to your friends house?

You should do better and be a less judgmental and a more compassionate friend.

A few weeks ago, I visited a friend whose home was quite untidy. But you know what, her life is busy, she is such a wonderful person and lovely host. I came home feeling so lucky to have a friend like that. Everyone's standards are different and as you said the home wasn't dirty or smelly so I think you are UR to be judging her.

Yes. Exactly this.

I wouldn't want a messy home but I wouldn't judge someone who had one.
Different people have different priorities.

I'd be bothered by a filthy house with rats or cockroaches, moldy food, filthy toilet etc. I wouldn't choose to visit. Visiting a clean where it matters but really cluttered house just wouldn't bother me at all. I don't have to live there. 🤷‍♀️

Yes, seems like a significant bit of back pedalling to me...

I'll speak to my friend about it this evening

Why on earth would you do that?
Ludicrous.

Yes I really agree with this. And it could be really hurtful / upsetting / triggering for them too.

Keep your own triggering issues to yourself is my advice ( I am not expecting you to take it though, clearly...)

Racks brain to think if anyone has been in my house recently

my house is often pretty untidy but I try to keep it clean. I feel like I'm in a losing battle with 3 other people who seem to be mess-blind. I try not to invite people in on an impromptu basis because I'm embarrassed.

Wanting to live in a tidy home is nobody's business but yours.
Wanting to visit one is... tough shit.
Do you have control issues?

My grammar... well sorry, to the pedants but sometimes I get it wrong, actually quite often tbh. I'm quite good with their, there and they're though so 🤷

OP - I think you will find that those criticising your grammar were doing so tongue-in-cheek in an effort to show you that no-one is perfect. Some people have messy houses, some people have poor grammar. All of us are good at some things, none of us are good at everything.