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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To understand not wanting to be involved

431 replies

CandyApplePie · 15/05/2022 10:22

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

OP posts:
Xpel · 17/05/2022 10:41

If she told him when she was pregnant and he said he wasn’t going to be involved then she continued knowing that, what do you expect to happen that he is forced to be part of the child’s life? Who is going to force him? How will that benefit the child? She made the decision to continue knowing she would be doing it alone.

No I don't think he should be forced obviously. It doesn't mean I have to understand it or agree that he's morally a good person though.

and her decisions take absolutely none of the responsibility or blame away from him. He was still responsible for having sex with her ('protected' or not) and therefore still responsible for any subsequent pregnancy.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 10:43

Xpel · 17/05/2022 10:39

Well when it comes down to it I think men and woman feel differently about that given just how many absent fathers there are

I don't disagree, but it doesn't make it right does it? It doesn't make it understandable to abandon your own child which is what you originally asked.

I think if it’s a ONS it is, I don’t get abandoning kids you’ve had a relationship but as a ONS if I was to have one which I wouldn’t and I fell pregnant I wouldn’t want the child and wouldn’t want to raise it so why should a man feel different?

OP posts:
Lzzyisgod · 17/05/2022 10:46

This story sounds very familiar to a quite relatively high profile case of similar circumstances which has been in the papers over recent years ...... I don't want to get into trouble with naming names but a quick nosey on tattle would lead you to more.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 11:02

Lzzyisgod · 17/05/2022 10:46

This story sounds very familiar to a quite relatively high profile case of similar circumstances which has been in the papers over recent years ...... I don't want to get into trouble with naming names but a quick nosey on tattle would lead you to more.

Interesting, I will take a look!

OP posts:
GenderAtheist · 17/05/2022 11:31

CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 10:43

I think if it’s a ONS it is, I don’t get abandoning kids you’ve had a relationship but as a ONS if I was to have one which I wouldn’t and I fell pregnant I wouldn’t want the child and wouldn’t want to raise it so why should a man feel different?

Show quote history

Just because you wouldn’t want the child and would have an abortion asap doesn’t mean that all other women would feel the same.

Not all women agree with / can access abortion / are willing to abort their baby. And the men who impregnate them don’t get to choose what others do with their body.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 11:38

GenderAtheist · 17/05/2022 11:31

Just because you wouldn’t want the child and would have an abortion asap doesn’t mean that all other women would feel the same.

Not all women agree with / can access abortion / are willing to abort their baby. And the men who impregnate them don’t get to choose what others do with their body.

Show quote history

I’m not saying they should?? Missing the point I’m saying because I wouldn’t want to keep a baby from a ONS I can understand why a man also wouldn’t want one or are men just expected to feel different

OP posts:
GenderAtheist · 17/05/2022 11:47

People are entitled to feel how they like. But once you have a child it’s not all about your feelings . It’s about your commitment and responsibility, legally and morally , to that child.

Its not all about what the man wants. It’s about doing the right thing by the child that he brought into this world, your own flesh and blood. And the child shouldn’t not be punished because it’s parents were foolish enough to conceive in less than ideal circumstances.

Turning your back on your own child because you haven’t shagged it’s mother enough times to meet your personal definition of a relationship may be legal but it’s morally repugnant to most people ( MRAs excepting ).

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 11:49

GenderAtheist · 17/05/2022 11:47

People are entitled to feel how they like. But once you have a child it’s not all about your feelings . It’s about your commitment and responsibility, legally and morally , to that child.

Its not all about what the man wants. It’s about doing the right thing by the child that he brought into this world, your own flesh and blood. And the child shouldn’t not be punished because it’s parents were foolish enough to conceive in less than ideal circumstances.

Turning your back on your own child because you haven’t shagged it’s mother enough times to meet your personal definition of a relationship may be legal but it’s morally repugnant to most people ( MRAs excepting ).

Legally he has no rights or responsibility as not named on the bc

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 17/05/2022 12:10

As far as I'm aware, he understood human biology when he put his penis in his vagina.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I can totally understand why someone wouldn't want a baby with someone they don't know. Like you'd understand her terminating the pregnancy because it was a one night stand and she wasn't ready. But it's one of those "tough shit. The baby didn't choose to be born so step up and look after it." Situations.

GenderAtheist · 17/05/2022 12:40

If and when his paternity is established he has both legal and moral rights and responsibilities.

He is not on the birth certificate because he didn’t go with her to register the birth. That doesn’t change biology.

Is this anonymous online man in fact your current boyfriend @CandyApplePie ? Because you are very very keen to support his right to abandon his child ( assuming it’s proven to be his ).

There’s a lot of women who want their BF to spend his time and money on them and not on his children. That is until they have his child and find out he’s off shagging someone else and refusing to see their child. Then they care about childrens rights.

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 12:40

Xpel · 17/05/2022 10:39

Well when it comes down to it I think men and woman feel differently about that given just how many absent fathers there are

I don't disagree, but it doesn't make it right does it? It doesn't make it understandable to abandon your own child which is what you originally asked.

Do you feel the same about adoption when women willingly relinquish children they don’t want? Granted, it’s less common in this country where abortion is legal.

DuvetHugger · 17/05/2022 12:44

I understand bot sides. It's tricky.

Would I want to continue a pregnancy with an unplanned baby who's father wants nothing to do with it? Probably not.

Would I have sex with a man, not use a condom knowing I'm not on the pill? Also probably not. Unless of course I wanted a baby

GenderAtheist · 17/05/2022 12:45

For those talking about adoption , please tell me the number of babies relinquished for adoption by mothers in the UK ?

And the number of children whose fathers walk away from them ?

And tell me about the legal process of adoption and how it compares to walking on your child?

Then I’ll talk adoption with you.

Xpel · 17/05/2022 12:57

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 12:40

Do you feel the same about adoption when women willingly relinquish children they don’t want? Granted, it’s less common in this country where abortion is legal.

Show quote history

So you think a woman taking responsibility and seeking out adoption for her child, trying to ensure they have a good life, is the same as a man just walking away once he's pulled his pants up and saying not my problem?

And as PP said, I wonder how often that happens in comparison to men just walking away because they think (and are told by plenty it seems), that it's not their responsibility.

Original poster
CandyApplePie · 17/05/2022 12:58

GenderAtheist · 17/05/2022 12:40

If and when his paternity is established he has both legal and moral rights and responsibilities.

He is not on the birth certificate because he didn’t go with her to register the birth. That doesn’t change biology.

Is this anonymous online man in fact your current boyfriend @CandyApplePie ? Because you are very very keen to support his right to abandon his child ( assuming it’s proven to be his ).

There’s a lot of women who want their BF to spend his time and money on them and not on his children. That is until they have his child and find out he’s off shagging someone else and refusing to see their child. Then they care about childrens rights.

Typical comment, no because I agree it doesn’t mean he is my boyfriend, most posters going by the vote agree with me. So 🤷‍♀️ Men can’t give a child up for adoption so all they can do is walk away.

OP posts:
MissusMaisel · 17/05/2022 13:03

GenderAtheist · 17/05/2022 11:47

People are entitled to feel how they like. But once you have a child it’s not all about your feelings . It’s about your commitment and responsibility, legally and morally , to that child.

Its not all about what the man wants. It’s about doing the right thing by the child that he brought into this world, your own flesh and blood. And the child shouldn’t not be punished because it’s parents were foolish enough to conceive in less than ideal circumstances.

Turning your back on your own child because you haven’t shagged it’s mother enough times to meet your personal definition of a relationship may be legal but it’s morally repugnant to most people ( MRAs excepting ).

Not everyone agrees with you.

Neverreturntoathread · 17/05/2022 13:09

romdowa · 15/05/2022 10:26

If the dna comes back that it's his child then the cms will pursue him for payments, they really don't give a shit about the circumstances of the child's conception. Surely every adult understands that this is the risk you take every time you have sex.

This.

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 13:20

Xpel · 17/05/2022 12:57

So you think a woman taking responsibility and seeking out adoption for her child, trying to ensure they have a good life, is the same as a man just walking away once he's pulled his pants up and saying not my problem?

And as PP said, I wonder how often that happens in comparison to men just walking away because they think (and are told by plenty it seems), that it's not their responsibility.

Show quote history

A man in that situation can’t seek adoption though, can I? Because if he could, I imagine he would. He can’t though, if the mother wishes to raise the child. Similarly, a woman can’t place a child for adoption if the father wants to raise it.

Is it just the legal seal of approval that makes the difference? It’s taking responsibility if both parents don’t want to raise the child, but it’s morally wrong if one parent doesn’t?

I suppose you can look at a Ceaușescu‘s Romania for an example.

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 13:21

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 13:20

A man in that situation can’t seek adoption though, can I? Because if he could, I imagine he would. He can’t though, if the mother wishes to raise the child. Similarly, a woman can’t place a child for adoption if the father wants to raise it.

Is it just the legal seal of approval that makes the difference? It’s taking responsibility if both parents don’t want to raise the child, but it’s morally wrong if one parent doesn’t?

I suppose you can look at a Ceaușescu‘s Romania for an example.

Show quote history

Can he* rather

ChesterDrawsLouLou · 17/05/2022 15:31

What about where a woman had tricked the father, saying she was on the pill when she wasn't?

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 16:31

ChesterDrawsLouLou · 17/05/2022 15:31

What about where a woman had tricked the father, saying she was on the pill when she wasn't?

Still shouldn’t have ejaculated inside her if he didn’t want a baby.

Brieandcamembert · 17/05/2022 16:56

She chose to have a baby in a pregnancy that he was clear he didn't want. Absolutely 100% he should not have to pay. Neither should the state when she starts on about being a single mum. She chose this path.

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 16:57

Brieandcamembert · 17/05/2022 16:56

She chose to have a baby in a pregnancy that he was clear he didn't want. Absolutely 100% he should not have to pay. Neither should the state when she starts on about being a single mum. She chose this path.

Of course he wanted a baby - he ejaculated inside a woman!

Brieandcamembert · 17/05/2022 16:58

She and she alone continued with that pregnancy. Her choice. Not his.

Pumperthepumper · 17/05/2022 17:02

Brieandcamembert · 17/05/2022 16:58

She and she alone continued with that pregnancy. Her choice. Not his.

He chose to make that baby. His choice to ejaculate inside a woman, creating a brand new life.