To understand not wanting to be involved

[CandyApplePie]

In this situation.....Probably get flamed for this but anyway

I am on another site where a woman has had a baby from a one night stand (this is what he has referred to her as) they met once and she fell pregnant and kept the baby, he doesn't want to be involved and expressed that to her from the beginning. She kept the baby and is now pursuing him for child maintenance. The man is angry and telling her she was just a one night stand and to go away and that he wants nothing to do with the baby, he is saying he used a condom (she says they didn't) so it's not his baby, they are going to be doing a dna test but he is insisting the child is nothing to do with him. All the comments are along the lines of "how can he just walk away" "how can he want nothing to do with the child" "babies are a blessing" "having a child is the most amazing experience" but aibu to understand why someone wouldn't want to be tied to a stranger for the rest of their lives? Maintenance is a separate issue but I can understand why a man wouldn't want to be involved in raising the child, he is insisting he did use a condom she says they didn't so no one really knows the truth their apart from the two of them.

Do you not see the irony of judging her for not using a condom (if that was the case) but not judging him for not being willing to step up and take responsibility for a child he has created ( if it’s his). It always amazes me the twists and turns people will apply to their thinking to satisfy their internalised misogyny.

Yes I do judge people that have ONS/casual sex and don’t use condoms, are we suppose to pretend that’s ok? I would judge him as well if he didn’t but he says he did so 🤷‍♀️

I would judge him as well if he didn’t but he says he did so

Well one of them is lying.

But in her scenario, he would be equally to blame if they hadn't used a condom. Equally to blame and equally responsible for any subsequent pregnancy.

Even with a condom, he's still responsible for any subsequent pregnancy. Nothing is completely fail safe. He should know that by now.

Also find it hilarious people saying 'well I as a woman know it's more risky for me because I'll be the one needing to give birth or have an abortion therefore I should be the one to think more about the consequences of casual sex'... Erm how about men KNOW that if they get a woman pregnant they won't be able to tell her to get an abortion if she doesn't want one therefore THEY should consider whether the risk of a child is worth the casual sex they are about to have.

It's ludicrous. Absolving grown men from having to take any responsibility themselves.

Not sure why wearing a condom absolves him of any responsibility either. Everyone knows (or everyone who is having sex should know anyway) that they aren't 100% effective therefore you are still accepting some element of risk whenever you use one.

I guess the way I see it is he at least tried to take precautions she is saying they didn’t, you can’t see how that’s different? At least he tried to prevent a pregnancy telling humans not to have sex unless they want a baby is ridiculous since most people have sex purely for fun, if she had tried to prevent it and was on the pill etc but fell pregnant I would feel the same way about her but she is saying it was completely unprotected so yes I do judge people having unprotected sex with randoms, I don’t judge people having ONS it’s the lack of protection I judge and recklessness of it all.

At least he tried to prevent a pregnancy telling humans not to have sex unless they want a baby is ridiculous since most people have sex purely for fun

But that's the basic reality of it. Sex isn't (on a natural level) just about fun. It's about creating life.

Yes we have sex for fun and thankfully we have some great methods nowadays of preventing pregnancy to allow us to do that. But they aren't 100% reliable and we KNOW that, or we should. And therefore yes it is our responsibility, both male and female, to have sex knowing what we are risking.

Saying 'meh I tried to prevent it' isn't good enough. Yes he tried. But he should also know that condoms do fail sometimes, unfortunately for him he got caught out. It doesn't make it less his responsibility though.

And if you really are that set against having a child to the point that you'd abandon any child you had a hand in creating then yes, you really should be questioning whether going around having casual sex using methods you know aren't 100% reliable, is the right thing to do because whether you like it or not, that's what you are risking every time you do it.

There's loads of things we do for fun these days that have a small risk with them. We still need to be responsible for considering the consequences of those risks! Especially when that risk is creating another human life you'd just walk away from.

Well men are never going to see it that way and clearly find walking away from a baby easier than women so as women are fully aware of that they need to make damn sure they don’t get pregnant to a casual encounter or be prepared to go it alone.

Ahhh so you're just a misogyny apologist then?

Why is your bar so low for what you expect from men can I ask?

That's like saying 'men are more likely to be domestic abusers therefore women should take more responsibility if they end up being abused'.

What a joke.

There are lots of things men think they can do, do more or less of than women/get away with and so on... It doesn't mean it's right or that it becomes our responsibility because they can't be expected to take responsibility for their own actions. Jeez.

You're talking about grown adults. Why should the fact he has a penis mean he gets to take less responsibility for the same choice?

I guess the way I see it is he at least tried to take precautions she is saying they didn’t, you can’t see how that’s different? At least he tried to prevent a pregnancy

No, this is weird. You can't have it both ways. Either they used a condom (and she's lying), in which case you can have a go at her for telling lies afterwards but not for being irresponsible regarding pregnancy. Or you accept her version of events that they didn't use a condom, in which case you have a go at both of them for being irresponsible about pregnancy and at him for lying afterwards. What you can't do, without looking completely illogical, is have a go at her for not using a condom while praising him for using one. Either they were both reckless or neither were.

OPs answer to that appears to be that it's still the women's fault because she should have had lower expectations of men...

I mean, men definitely aren't going to change while so many women continue to enable this shitty behaviour and make excuses for them about how nothing is their responsibility.

I completely understand why he doesn't want to be tied to some woman he slept with once for the rest of his life and to pay for a baby he didn't even expect to have.

She had the right to end the pregnancy and that's none of his business and equally he has a right to walk away in my opinion.

Do I think he was wise to potentially go condomless and get a women pregnant? No bloody chance. But equally it wasn't wise for her to do it either - they both didn't act sensible. They however should get to decide what happens from their end freely.

The bar is in hell. I do understand on some level because we're raised from so young to blame women, but it's still depressing to see.

Nevertheless, that child is here and if they turn out to be his, he SHOULD be involved, regardless of his wishes.

I've seen some stupid advice on this site, but that's straight in at number one.

It's difficult really to think of anything more likely to screw a person up for life than being parented by someone who clearly never wanted them in the first place and resents every minute of their involvement.

I’m taking both with a pinch of salt, if she said he didn’t and he said he did no one knows but them all I’m saying is I don’t agree that the man is always automatically lying, so they either didn’t, did but it failed, or it’s someone else’s which is what he is saying 🤷‍♀️

If she told him when she was pregnant and he said he wasn’t going to be involved then she continued knowing that, what do you expect to happen that he is forced to be part of the child’s life? Who is going to force him? How will that benefit the child? She made the decision to continue knowing she would be doing it alone.

Exactly, are the police going to force visits then? Is the child going to forced to visit the dads house where the father won’t be interested as he didn’t want to be involved, or maybe forced visits at a contact centre where the father has to attend by law. Who on earth will that benefit? Like I said seems some just want to punish the man rather than what is actually in the best interest of the child.

Well that's the risk of having sex. No contraception is 100% do there is always a risk.

As the woman is the one that carries the baby or terminates it, the choice is hers. He can choose to be involved or not but he can't choose whether to contribute.

And no, regardless of the circumstances of the conception, I can't imagine someone having my child and me not wanting to be a part of that child's life.

Well when it comes down to it I think men and woman feel differently about that given just how many absent fathers there are.

I don't think a man should be physically forced to parent.

It would make me think he was an arsehole though and as per your original OP, no I can't understand it (and he's not less to blame simply because he's got a dick).

Well when it comes down to it I think men and woman feel differently about that given just how many absent fathers there are

I don't disagree, but it doesn't make it right does it? It doesn't make it understandable to abandon your own child which is what you originally asked.