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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you are an only child…

188 replies

Organictangerine · 14/05/2022 22:22

Would you have preferred a sibling(s)?

No agenda here
I have an only myself at the moment
I have lots of siblings
Just interested to know the experiences of others

OP posts:
sundayweatherwatch · 15/05/2022 11:47

Bluevelvetsofa · 15/05/2022 11:11

I wanted a sibling, although I had plenty of friends very close by. I was the youngest by far, of all the cousins too, so they weren’t playmates.

I would have liked someone to share the burden when my dad died unexpectedly and to help look after my mum subsequently. Arranging things on your own can be very lonely.

I'm one of 4 and was the only one of us appointed executor when my DF died. DF's friend was co-executor so I had to get his signatures for everything but I did all the work on my own (which was a lot as DF was still working when he died) and the only one who properly helped with this was my DF. I had horrendous rows with two of my siblings who got pretty bad about money during the process which was awful!

angstridden2 · 15/05/2022 11:48

I’m an only, I always wanted a sibling particularly as I got older and everything was focussed on me. I felt the pressure and became a very, probably over compliant child. I have more than one child but would have liked even more, my adult children are good friends.My DP has several siblings, they are all very close and I envy that. Fortunately I get on well with them so I feel I have kind of got surrogate siblings.My friends are really important to me and I think that is because I have no other family.

As others have said, parents getting needier is hard as an only, I always felt guilty going away as I knew there was no one to visit elderly mum. I certainly wouldn’t choose to have one child, but if that’s the hand that life deals you, it isn’t the end of the world!

sundayweatherwatch · 15/05/2022 11:48

Sorry the only one who helped me with executor duties was my husband (dad was obviously no longer here)

Louise0701 · 15/05/2022 11:49

I had 2 cousins who were only children. They hated it and spent as much time at our house as possible. They’ve both gone on to have 4 children.
my best friend was also an only child who also hated it and she has 3 children.
I always really felt for them all.

Mindfulofmuddle · 15/05/2022 11:50

I did want a sibling as a child, at times, but I think I liked the idea more than I would have liked the reality, with hindsight. As an adult I have realised the true value of having a sibling. To prolong your family life and to help share the overwhelming loss of parents and have someone else to remember the earliest and closest family memories (providing sibling and I had a good relationship, of course, there are no guarantees!). I have chosen to have more than one child myself, because of my experience.

UpdownUpdownAltogetherNow · 15/05/2022 11:51

I’m an only and I loved it so I now have an only.

PandaOrLion · 15/05/2022 11:55

I was ambivalent about it at the time but now I see friends only children I can appreciate what I must have been like, and how it impacts me now - I didn’t learn to share adult attention or to put up with other people and compromise in the way friends children who have siblings have learnt to do.

Ringo11 · 15/05/2022 11:56

I'm an only child and had to be due to my mum's health issues. My parents would have liked another child and I was always desperate for a sibling but it wasn't to be. I did feel lonely at times in my childhood and if I could have chosen, I would have loved a big brother.

However, I've been blessed with two children (ds then dd) who I am incredibly grateful for and that they have each other.

airforsharon · 15/05/2022 12:06

Thanks @UniversalAunt it's reassuring to see posts from others who've had experience of this kind of situation. Being an 'only' was pretty unusual when i was a child (70s) - like @RainbowsAndPuddings i was the only 'only' in my class - so it can feel like all my peers have siblings to potentially share the care & worry for their parents.
I think it's more common for families to have just one child now, so hopefully this generation of only children will feel less 'odd' as adults. A societal change in attitude to stop expecting adult children to shoulder the care for elderly/frail relatives, combined with significant improvements in social care would help (not convinced either will happen in my lifetime tbh)

TaketheTrain · 15/05/2022 12:09

Oh god. Wish I hadn't started reading this thread. Now sat crying into my coffee.
I feel awful guilt every single day that my child doesn't have siblings. I desperately wanted another child, but it didn't work out. Plus the fact I'm a single parent. What a crap deal my child has been dealt. I'm so, so envious of the full families around me. I feel like I've failed him, not only in his childhood but also it seems into adult hood as well. This properly eats me up, the guilt is absolutely awful.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/05/2022 12:14

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/05/2022 01:15

I had a sibling, now I'm an only so have experienced both.

I feel desperately sorry for anyone who is an only. When your parents die you are alone, no shared family history or memories. It's truly gut wrenching.

Don't feel sorry for me. I don't need your sympathy. I literally do not care about any of that.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/05/2022 12:16

TheTonEffect · 15/05/2022 04:54

What a defensive reply. The poster is saying they've experienced both. It's a fair point anyway - I know an only who said when her parents die she'd have nothing left to live for. Obviously not the norm but that's how she feels.

Show quote history

Weird. You do know only children have family and friends of their own? I have a child, I may have grandchildren one day. My life happiness doesn't depend on my parents being alive.

BobLep0nge · 15/05/2022 12:19

Wish I hadn't started reading this thread. Now sat crying into my coffee. I feel awful guilt every single day that my child doesn't have siblings. I desperately wanted another child, but it didn't work out. Plus the fact I'm a single parent. What a crap deal my child has been dealt

The vast majority of people I know who have siblings (including myself) do not get along and won't 'come together when a parent dies or share their care'. I'd much rather have had no siblings.

You need to get over your guilt, it's absolutely pointless.

Roastonsun8 · 15/05/2022 12:19

@Willyoujustbequiet I think that's totally different though if you have had a sibling grown up and created memories and they pass away or something it's not even comparable to be an only. With an only often they will say its all they know which is true to some extent they don't know any different.

It varies on your overall network... I know someone who both her parents were only child and they only had her so she has no family at all.

I have a another family member and she has an excellent social life as an only but she has tons of cousins! So that's a big factor also cousins!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/05/2022 12:24

TaketheTrain · 15/05/2022 12:09

Oh god. Wish I hadn't started reading this thread. Now sat crying into my coffee.
I feel awful guilt every single day that my child doesn't have siblings. I desperately wanted another child, but it didn't work out. Plus the fact I'm a single parent. What a crap deal my child has been dealt. I'm so, so envious of the full families around me. I feel like I've failed him, not only in his childhood but also it seems into adult hood as well. This properly eats me up, the guilt is absolutely awful.

Don't be silly. Most people outside of MN don't care. I'm an only child and I think all this talk of being "alone" is a bit pathetic to be honest, if you've made no effort to foster relationships outside of your family that's your own problem.

Roastonsun8 · 15/05/2022 12:24

TaketheTrain · 15/05/2022 12:09

Oh god. Wish I hadn't started reading this thread. Now sat crying into my coffee.
I feel awful guilt every single day that my child doesn't have siblings. I desperately wanted another child, but it didn't work out. Plus the fact I'm a single parent. What a crap deal my child has been dealt. I'm so, so envious of the full families around me. I feel like I've failed him, not only in his childhood but also it seems into adult hood as well. This properly eats me up, the guilt is absolutely awful.

Log out of MN if it's making you feel like this. I enjoy MN but if your feeling fragile you can take things for gospel... I'm the same as you and I don't feel like that Christ it's not that bad see the advantages!

Perhaps your child will have cousins? Or you may have another child in the future regardless you will do fine. Many people will be having less kids with the way things are going...

TaketheTrain · 15/05/2022 12:38

I dont think I'm being 'silly.
It just makes it quite hard to come to terms with it when your child is very vocal about wanting a sibling and you can't do that for them.

From a selfish point of view its also quite difficult to have time to get things done as the only other person in the house I am the go to for everything. Having a sibling to play with can take the pressure off as theres someone else to play/chat with. This is why I have DCs friends over to play and for sleepovers as much as i possibly can. I do know siblings don't always get on, but a bit of variety of who you can talk to and play with is good for everyone.

Original poster
Organictangerine · 15/05/2022 12:46

TaketheTrain · 15/05/2022 12:09

Oh god. Wish I hadn't started reading this thread. Now sat crying into my coffee.
I feel awful guilt every single day that my child doesn't have siblings. I desperately wanted another child, but it didn't work out. Plus the fact I'm a single parent. What a crap deal my child has been dealt. I'm so, so envious of the full families around me. I feel like I've failed him, not only in his childhood but also it seems into adult hood as well. This properly eats me up, the guilt is absolutely awful.

It’s a mixed bag, I would say pretty much half and half. And for every person that would’ve liked a sibling there is another who says they would’ve been fine or happier as an only child.

Please don’t worry too much. I didn’t start this thread to upset anyone, I’ve just started trying for number 2 but was saying to DH last night how both of us are closer to friends than our siblings who are very different people to us.

OP posts:
PeakyBlinda · 15/05/2022 12:47

Nope. Love being an only. Don't have to share any inheritances.

TimeToChangeItUpNow · 15/05/2022 12:59

Yes I totally wish I had siblings to grow up with but also to help with parents as they get older.

I insisted on having 2 children.

Cameleongirl · 15/05/2022 14:06

My friends are really important to me and I think that is because I have no other family.

@angstridden2 I definitely agree with this, I probably value my friends more as I don’t have much family, and I make an effort to make new friends-plus I’ve moved around so I’ve had to.

it irritates me slightly when MNer’s say that they never speak to their neighbors, don’t know anyone in the area, etc. Without family to fall back on, you have to make outside connections, or you’ll be alone!

noborisno · 15/05/2022 15:42

No. I see all the family politics with my friends with siblings and don't envy it.

I DID really badly want one growing up, it just seemed so cool to have a sister or older brother, I just fantasised about both, but today I am actually glad I don't.

I'm not sure if it's an only child thing but I've got friends who are like brothers, sisters to me, and a sister and brother in law who I call my sister and brother. I am very close to my sister.

I don't feel I am missing out on any single thing as an only child.

My child is only as well but we are trying for another, but I wouldn't feel one ounce of regret for her being an only child. I expect she will form relationships like mine where we are just like siblings in all we do for each other and the way we would never abandon one another, ever.

TempsPerdu · 15/05/2022 15:49

It irritates me slightly when MNer’s say that they never speak to their neighbors, don’t know anyone in the area, etc. Without family to fall back on, you have to make outside connections, or you’ll be alone!

Yes, very much agree with this. DD will be an only and also has no cousins and very little extended family. Because of this we’ve tried to integrate her into our local community as much as humanly possible, chosen a primary school with strong community ties, registered her for Rainbows and lots of other extra curricular activities, and made a real effort to cultivate a strong friendship group.

But even aside from the only child issue, I believe strongly with engaging with the community you’re in, and find it depressing that so many others seem content only to interact with their immediate household, never talk to neighbours, won’t exchange niceties with staff in shops etc. The way many people on MN happily confined themselves to their nuclear households during lockdown highlighted this for me. We do seem to have largely forgotten the old ‘It takes a village’ adage when it comes to raising our kids.

TokyoTen · 15/05/2022 15:52

I'm an only child, I'm now 57 (so perspective of an person who has been through childhood, teens, etc). I am fine as an only child. In terms of my family there is only me and Mum now (as Dad passed away) but I have my DP of 25+ years and 2 children. It would perhaps be nice to share looking after Mum and have someone help me make decisions on her behalf (as she can't do it now). But honestly when I look at DP's siblings I am happy on my own. No arguments, less drama and I'm pretty happy with life, certainly have never longed for a sibling..

Doofas · 15/05/2022 15:57

My son is an only, we've recently said that due to recent ill health, we wouldn't currently manage more than one, so right now one is our best choice, although the whole how will he cope if he's left to deal with I'll parents in their old age on his own. Thankfully he had aunties uncles and cousins he is close to who would help out. Me. I'm glad I'm not an only, got t two siblings. We didn't play together much as children but it was always nice to know someone was there if you needed or wanted someone to be around, even if you weren't allowed to play their Lego games. As adults we all get on really well, which is just as well as we've been through some tough patent health moments.