If you are an only child…

[Organictangerine]

Would you have preferred a sibling(s)?

No agenda here
I have an only myself at the moment
I have lots of siblings
Just interested to know the experiences of others

An upside of being an only child is that self-determination may develop earlier, that reflexive decision making comes easier compared to how I see friends with siblings have to negotiate how the trap doors & tripwires of family dynamics in order to make decisions about everyday matters or looking after parents.

When it came to advocating for my parent, I knew what they wanted & could relay that directly with no double checking or passing it by others for comment or agreement. In this instance, being an only or single designated advocate made matters for me, my parent & HCPs that much more straight forward & matters were quicker to resolve.

I have been gobsmacked as I watch the interactions & negotiations of a sibling group over what I see as small matters e.g. choosing a pub for Sunday lunch, who drives Mum home etc. The rivalries in some families run deep, but then so do loyalties.

I agree that bringing cousins together doesn’t make them buddies, but actions & events around cousinhood may take some planning & effort, & I encourage that.

@airforsharon I recognise your situation very well.
However you can, draw in help for your caring responsibilities.
I ended up charging up & down the A3 after FT work several evenings a week to keep the plates spinning for divorced elderly parents, it’s all to easy to do too much. I was completely depleted by the long hauls & became seriously ill. Having the ‘only child of divorced parent’ must-be-fair dynamic does not help - that’s another thread entirely.

Oh yes, the ‘spoilt’ only child.
’Oh you must be so spoiled, getting everything you want…’
Bollocks.

As a child it didn't bother me - I had loads of cousins and felt I had the best of both worlds. Family to see at weekends and have holidays/days out with but going home to my own space and my own things.

As an adult it's difficult but mainly because my parents are overbearing. It was difficult when my dc came along, although they were very hands on they were also typically overbearing inlaws/grandparents. They even squabble over how long they each speak to me on the phone and get competitive if one has a few minutes more than the other 🙄

It would definitely be easier if I had siblings to share the burden. My parents are in their 70s now and very fit and healthy but I do dread they becoming frail, I'm not quite sure how I'll cope with that.

No I've never been bothered by it personally.

My husband has a brother he never speaks to and is frankly a horrible person.

And my Dad who has loads of siblings only keeps in touch with one.

Not evidence of anything concrete obviously but shows its no guarantee of anything.

And agree, I wish we could do away with the spoiled only child shite. I know plenty of people who spoil their children with siblings just as much as I ever was and my children can't share with each other without falling out to save their life so it doesn't mean a thing.

I've had it said to me on here before that it 'explains a lot about me' just because I had a differing opinion to another poster. It's a nasty stereotype.

I’m an only and I don’t like it.

Fine as a child, lots of friends, opportunities my parents couldn’t have afforded for more than one, although both parents v controlling. Trickier as an adult, dad died young and mum v challenging, demanding, jealous of my spending time with anyone but her etc. So it’s not that I wish I had siblings, it’s that I wish I had an easier parent(s)!

I have always been ok with being an only, not missed siblings at all in fact I do not know many people that get on with all their siblings. However, as my parents are now older so much falls to me, celebrations I have to show up there is no one else to do them. Caring responsibility is all mine. However having seen how difficult siblings can find navigating care and death of parents at least I know that I will not have that. Also childhood memories are also only mine, no one to share those with or reminisce with. It’s difficult to miss what you have never had and easy to think of sibling relationships with a rosy glow, which often is not the reality.

It's not pointless or silly at all – it's perfectly honest.

I have no idea what it feels like to have a sibling – I can go on the reports of others, but as has been made very clear on this thread, that experience is enormously varied and unpredictable.

And while I can describe what it's been like to be an only child to people with siblings, I don't imagine they can fully understand the inner, existential sensation of it.

There's really no need to be so dismissive.

I hardly thought about having siblings when I was a kid – but as an adult I have felt it would be nice to have someone who could validate some of my memories. I was in a tough spot a few years ago when both my parents fell ill in different countries at the same time (they're separated) and someone to potentially share that load with would have been a great help.

But honestly I feel the same as @chisanunian – I can try to picture what it might be like to have a sibling, but I don't believe that what I can imagine is even close to the reality.

I'm an only child. And bollocks to those who told me throughout .y life I must have been spoilt - no, I wasn't and we were quite poor.

As a child, I didn't like it and always wanted a sibling. DM couldn't have another for medical reasons. I was the only child in my class with no siblings.

As a teen, hated it a lot as my parents' sole attention was on me (judging me on boyfriends, what I'd decided to study at college, what clothes I wore etc) and I wished there was a sibling they could deflect some of that on to.

As an adult, my relationship with my parents improved, but there was always the guilt of not being there enough.

I felt it more when we went to parties or weddings and people would call their siblings up with them for cake cutting or even sitting at the head table at weddings. Or when friends said "We're having a family party at my sister's today". It felt like a special sibling bond. I had no one for that. Definitely influenced my decision to have more than one child.

Now both my parents have died, I feel very alone. I desperately wish I had a sibling to talk about my parents with.

I'm an only and was perfectly happy with it. I had a close relationship with my cousins, there were 5 of them and I was always quite thankful to be on my own.
As I get older, I do wonder how I will manage the responsibilities of looking after my mum as she gets older (and hold down a full time deputy head job, bearing in mind I currently live 3 1/2 hours away) and whether having a sibling would have helped. However, none of my 5 cousins speak to each other and judging from what I see from my friends, most of the care seems to fall on one sibling more than others.

I was 7 years younger than my dsis, so we both felt like only children growing up. Once we were both adults, it was lovely to feel like I had a sibling, if only to have someone to stick up for me when my Dmum's menopause rages kicked in! I'm sure I would have coped as an only though so I really don't think it makes much difference.

I was an only child .Had many friends, very close to my Cousin .Have lots of friends with issues with Siblings .Sometimes they are a good match ,sometimes not .

I wanted a sibling, although I had plenty of friends very close by. I was the youngest by far, of all the cousins too, so they weren’t playmates.

I would have liked someone to share the burden when my dad died unexpectedly and to help look after my mum subsequently. Arranging things on your own can be very lonely.

There's no need to swear. I do have experience of being an only child - I am one. My dc is one. How much more experience does it take? The OP was asking for comments from only children, so I answered.

Would I have liked a sibling to play with when I was a kid? Maybe I would and maybe I wouldn't. Because there's no way of knowing whether we would have got on amicably or fought like cat and dog. So I can't answer.

Would I have liked a sibling to help me sort out my parents house after their deaths? Yes, I would. But since I've never had a sibling, how would I know whether they would have been kind, supportive and comforting, or the opposite, and been a nightmare who fought over inheritance. So I can't answer that either.

As I said, I can't answer the question, because I don't know what it is like to have a sibling.

I am an only child. Desperately wanted a sibling, I was very lonely as a child. Naturally I am quite shy, I feel I missed out on social skills. I am also quite black and white, not many shades of grey with me. If I had had a sibling maybe I would have been more open / tolerant of others point of view.

as an adult and already dealt with one parent death, I wish I had a sibling to share the burden.

i was determined to have more than one dc. As it turns out DD1 wishes she was an only. Had dd2 with fertility treatment and wish I had not forced nature. Dd2 has complex needs and I will worry about her everyday that I am on this earth.

This is an interesting read. I have two older brothers and I'm not close to either really. One of them was awful to me growing up, the other a complete introvert who would have been happy without either of us two.
I get on with them now and it's good to know I've got their support with our parents, however I do worry about my DD who is likely to be an only because I don't have much interest in having another.

I feel guilty about this but I don't want another because I can't be bothered with pregnancy and the newborn stage. I struggle with anxiety and I just want to look forward to nice holidays now, not more children to run around after. I want my life back now to be honest.

However now I think about my daughter growing up without a sibling and without someone else to bounce off and help when we're old and grey, and I suddenly feel selfish.

Thing is though, if she felt lonely I'd do something about it. She'd go to lots of clubs (which we could afford to do), we could afford for her to go to private school so more opportunities. She already has 3 cousins with probably more to come. We have friends with children as well we could potentially go on holiday with etc.

Also with the online presence children have now, I can imagine she'll spend alot of her evenings playing with her classmates online, not with her little brother or sister playing with Lego.

No, I loved my childhood. I do have a stepbrother though, so had the best of both worlds as saw him every holiday when I was with my Mum.

It also made it far easier when my Dad died as I just got on & sorted everything. Dh went through hell because of his sister when MIL died (& that was without an inheritance for her to argue about as FIL is alive).

Never wanted siblings.

Married DH who has siblings - I look at him and them and think 'I was right!'

Wished I had someone to share the burden when my Dad died. When DH's dad died his siblings were nothing but a pain in the arse that every decision had to be checked with and a continual consciousness that no toes were being stepped on.

Gave me a new perspective - when my Mum is ill it's exhausting but it's just her and me together and we are so close, and I don't have to worry about anyone else's feelings.

I didn't have a great childhood but being an only wasn't the issue. Didn't mind it at all. No cousins either, no family members anywhere near my age.i know what people mean though, I don't known any different so have nothing to compare it to.

It's not pity. It's not absurd. When I read this post I was actually thinking 'thank God that someone actually understands what it's like for once' because people just don't get it.

I have been through the gut wrenching experience of knowing that I was the only person from my family left alive, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. No parents, no siblings, no grandparents, no aunts, uncles, cousins - nobody at all. I was literally alone in the world. The only consolation is that I now have a daughter.

DH and I have 4 siblings between us and of the 2 with kids, none of them live in the same country as us (one in Scotland and another across the world). Lots of siblings for the parents does not equal lots of cousins close by.

I hate threads like this as it makes me question having an only, despite it being best for my MH - plus DC was prem and pregnancy was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'm also now early 40s (child is nearly 4). Mum guilt is made worse by having moved during lockdowns and having no cousins nearby (although my sibling is hoping for their own baby asap and they live quite close).

I always get in a complete tizz reading these threads as I tend to focus on the negative 'only child' stories, but what I do take from them is that you absolutely cannot call it. Everybody is different, everybody's situation is different, everybody's perspective is different. I grew up in a large family and hated the chaos, I felt that my eating disorder went undetected because there were lots of other siblings with their own problems which divided our parents attention. I was in my sister's shadow for many years, we also hated each other and fought terribly for the most part, she also introduced the concept of eating disorders to me and gave me my first recreational drug (these became my two biggest regrets in life). We get on now but live opposite sides of the world and despite that, still manage to fight when we get together!

Regarding old age, well I'm hoping that we will have a good inheritance fund to hand over to our only and I definitely don't want DC caring for us in old age. I hope to be like my maternal grandmother, she lived to 90 and was still driving herself around and living independently.

You cannot guarantee siblings will support in later life - many move miles away. That certainly has happened a LOT in my family as my parents moved from Southern Hemisphere to UK (leaving behind their parents) and my sister lives far far away from my mum and was no help when our father passed.

Following on from that, my DH was by FAR the biggest support when my father was dying.

TLDR -just make sure your only gets plenty of chance to socialise with kids of different ages.
I never wanted a sibling and used to pity my friends who had to share their parents with siblings. By best friend at school used to find her sister really annoying. Now as an adult I enjoy my own company. I only wanted one dch but had twins, which I'm glad about, but they don't get on. I had a supportive church environment growing up and they helped me when my parents were ill, and when they died, so I never felt I was facing that alone. I always found it hard to make friends, and still don't feel comfortable in a group, but I'm OK one to one and have a few close-ish friends. But I have no idea what a sibling relationship feels like, so don't miss it. I love The Other One on tv! DH doesn't see or get on with his siblings so there's no guarantee.