Which part of this is enjoyable then, folks?

[Whichpart]

Hey

which part of this is enjoyable? I am sick of hearing ‘enjoy every second’ ‘ they’re only young once’ ‘ don’t wish it away’ etc…

So which part of this am I meant to be enjoying?

the scramming?
the screaming?
the crying/whining?
the constant illnesses from nursery?
the shit?
the piss on the floor 20 seconds after they run away with no nappy?
the going to sleep at ten and waking every hour until they’re back up for the day at 5?
the 4am poo explosion?
the hair pulling?
the fighting with each other over toys?
the battles at bedtime?
the struggle to get them changed as they wriggle around and try to escape?
the fingers up my nose?
the grabbing my nipple as they try and climb me?

whoch part of this is everyone enjoying and looking back wishing they still had it?

AIBU to say that people either didn’t experience this absolute shit show OR their brain has forgotten it so that the species can continue pro creating??

It's not smugness. It's regret.

I did feel that way when mine were little. They didn't sleep, I was knackered, etc.

The perspective of people on the other side of it looking back is as important.

I regret so much being bogged down and not properly enjoying it. I feel like I threw that time away. I wish I could go back and do it differently.

Oh dear god I do not miss the relentless grind of the baby plus toddler years. I would never in a million years tell anyone it was all golden or that they'd miss it or other such trite bollocks. There is such a lot of societal guff spoken about motherhood. It's damaging and makes mum's feel like they've failed because they are not enjoying it. I love the bones off my two, and loved moments of the early years. The calmer, sleepy moments, the smell of the little blighters when they were all fluffy and clean and they were/ are hilarious and gorgeous...But dear god... I had two 'lively' kids, on the go constantly, contestant physical motion and constant verbal interaction..By 7 pm I was battered after a day with them. It does get easier though...

So looking back the best bits:

• before they can walk - blissful, can plop them in a cot, and go put headphones on if they're driving me mental, they still don't destroy everything, the mess they make is manageable.


• after they can talk - get to have conversations and start to develop and insight into their minds


• whenever they learn to do for themselves something I used to have to do for them (except eating because omg the mess 😭

I think parents with older kids tend to say 'don't wish it away etc' in a misguided attempt at a pep talk, because a) they've truly forgotten the horror of a 4am nappy explosion and only remember the good stuff and b) they are secretly longing for a cuddle from the squishy cheeked toddler their DD/DS used to be after the now stroppy teen just slammed the bedroom door in their face for the millionth hour running.

Sleep deprivation plus having to be mentally available for constant and unpredictable interruptions 24/7/365 makes for the worst few years of your life.

I think it rewires your brain for you.

My biggest piece of advice to the OP would be to do whatever it takes to get the nighttime sleeping sorted out.

When they say their first words - because I speak from personal experience, sadly not all of them ever do.

And as regards the nappy changing - I've been doing that one for 23 years non stop.

@ChoiceMummy, nobody is aware of the impact it will have on you after even a few weeks of it, let alone years, and once the baby is born there's no turning back.

There is simply nothing to prepare you for the combination of factors which make it all so intense. You can understand in theory what it will be like, but you only truly understand it when you're in the trenches.

I know women who had wanted 2-3 children who stopped at one because they simply couldn't go through it all again. I also know women who had some kind of amnesia about it all and went on to have more (in some cases many more).

Just because these women knew what it was like doesn't mean they can't take a moment to acknowledge the hell they're going through, and how patronizing and ultimately unfriendly the #blessed comments are.

Problems women experience because of the lack of societal support, lack of partner support, lack of support at work, and mental health problems generated by lack of sleep and never being able to relax are so easily and glibly dismissed by that kind of sentimental claptrap, and it hurts women.

OP, I absolutely loved having toddlers, even when they were difficult (one in particular was a horror). It was the happiest time of my life, both then and in retrospect.

But teenagers were (for me) another story altogether:

the screaming
the crying/whining
the constant illnesses (imaginary, on the whole, to try to get out of stuff)
the bodily fluids when they go "out, out", as opposed to just "out"
the going to sleep at 5AM, when you have finally managed to doze off after imagining them dead in a ditch and when you have to get up at 6 for work. Then the complaints that you "let them sleep" until 4PM.
the 4am cooking fest
the hair dramas
the fighting with each other over toys (or technology. Or anything the way one of them looked at the other).
the battles to get them to be quiet at your bedtime
the struggle to get them changed out of their hoodies when they need washing once a years

At least they didn't stick their fingers up my nose (though did stick fingers up at me) or pull my nipples, though that's small consolation.

I think some people experience the shit show at a later stage, OP, so you can console yourself with the fact that you're getting it out of the way now.

Whereas for others it never does end.
The heartache of trying to understand what your child is trying to tell you because he can't speak at all - as a toddler, as a 10 year old, as a teenager nor when he reaches adulthood.
The helplessness of watching him bang his head in frustration when he can't let people know what is happening inside his head.
The longing for him to experience just a little bit of what others his age have been blessed with - friendships, independence and freedom.
The not knowing for sure whether he knows you are his mum, because some days he seems so far away and lost in his own world.

@mathanxiety how eloquently put!!!! Love every word

But wistfulness won’t change anything for the OP, she already has people saying don’t waste a moment etc etc, you did, I did, she will because THAT is life and some days you are just surviving. OP I echo others when I say crack the sleep thing and you’ll be better able to cope.

🙄 Well really

This was not my experience either. Screaming only when hurt and waking up only when sick. None of the rest of it. But then I raised mine in the days when parents disciplined first instead of explaining.

Good to know you scared your kids into submission. I'd rather the tears and nighttime get ups.

Why, it’s hard work. Forewarned is forearmed, perhaps read the more balanced comments that don’t say it was all horrific but nor do they say they never had any issues. It’s lovely that some people enjoyed every second but this isn’t the thread to just baldy comment that as it add no value or advice for the OP and just smacks of kicking someone when they are down. In my opinion it’s better to know that you aren’t some kind of monster if you struggle. Oh and get the sleep cracked. For the record it’s lovely to have children and all stages have their challenges and rewards and I wouldn’t go back and change a thing. Good luck with your baby ☺️

This absolutely depends on the kids themselves. We know people that have very easy children, quiet, sleep well from 6 weeks, eat anything without issue. I know others that have combinations of colic, sensitivities to textures (impacting food, clothing and most things people woukd enjoy like trips to the beach). All of the kids are generally happy, but some are definetly more difficult than others and as a result some peoples experience is markedly different. There is no shame in acknowledging that parenting is hard, and I completely understand not feeling like these are "golden years" but appreciate that thinga can also get more difficult for all the reasons others have said!

Exactly, how do you ‘discipline’ a baby I wonder.

YABU I have 3 and whilst it’s wasn’t a walk in the park that was certainly not my experience. Your home life sounds chaotic.

I totally agree about being forewarned but some of the posts on this thread paint a v bleak picture. I have taken the more balanced posts on board though. Fully aware motherhood is going to be the hardest things I’ve ever done!

Thanks for the kind words 😊

I never say to someone with a baby and toddler to enjoy and how great it is. Was shit. Relentless. They're so dependent on you while being so so demanding and unreasonable at the same time. So I just say that try to survive and yes it gets easier.

It’s lovely that some people enjoyed every second but this isn’t the thread to just baldy comment that as it add no value or advice for the OP and just smacks of kicking someone when they are down. In my opinion it’s better to know that you aren’t some kind of monster if you struggle. Oh and get the sleep cracked

you post about people offering another perspective as being smug and then say something as silly as “get the sleep cracked”, with seemingly no irony! Do you not understand how smug and silly THAT sounds to people whose children simply don’t sleep?! Sleep isn’t something you can always “crack”: it very much depends on the child!

I just don’t really understand the point of all these posts complaining about parenthood. If OP is struggling and wants support that’s one thing; but she’s then arguing that she doesn’t find it stressful etc so why post? What do you want OP?

also I quite like nappy changes 😀

The one twee thing I agree with and kinda like is "the days are long but the years are short".
Because it acknowledges the drudgery of it all and how hard it is and how never ending it feels. However when/if you are on the other side of it you do wonder where the years have gone and miss the good bits. Not the shit though.No one misses the shit.

What do you want OP?

for people to acknowledge AND STOP saying these stupid phrases to new parents

I'm guessing you live in a world where people have signs that say Live, Love, Laugh on their walls.

I don't recall anyone ever saying to me 'enjoy every second'. I went back to work when my babies were nine months though. Perhaps you should do that.

People are just saying platitudes to make conversation. They don’t really mean it. It’s like talking about the weather