Which part of this is enjoyable then, folks?

[Whichpart]

Hey

which part of this is enjoyable? I am sick of hearing ‘enjoy every second’ ‘ they’re only young once’ ‘ don’t wish it away’ etc…

So which part of this am I meant to be enjoying?

the scramming?
the screaming?
the crying/whining?
the constant illnesses from nursery?
the shit?
the piss on the floor 20 seconds after they run away with no nappy?
the going to sleep at ten and waking every hour until they’re back up for the day at 5?
the 4am poo explosion?
the hair pulling?
the fighting with each other over toys?
the battles at bedtime?
the struggle to get them changed as they wriggle around and try to escape?
the fingers up my nose?
the grabbing my nipple as they try and climb me?

whoch part of this is everyone enjoying and looking back wishing they still had it?

AIBU to say that people either didn’t experience this absolute shit show OR their brain has forgotten it so that the species can continue pro creating??

It sounds like the sleep issues are at the heart of it, I'd sleep train if possible.

It is hard but for me there's nothing quite like a little one wrapping their arms round your neck and saying "I love you so much mummy".

Huge sympathy from me. I feel like this post isn't going to help you though as the responses saying "that's not my experience" and "i love it" would have upset me if I'd posted this a few months ago when I felt the same.

I have 2 young kids, neither of mine sleep, my last full night's sleep was almost 4 years ago now, and its been brutal. I have had these exact thoughts so many times and have more or less word for word said you're post to my dh a million times.

Are you depressed? Hope that's not too blunt and no need to answer but give it some thought, sounds like you're struggling to see the positive at the moment. Sending hugs as it's bloody hard work!

My 2 thoughts.

1. It's the sleep deprivation- it's shit, it puts a cloud over everything, dealing with fighting or tantrums is hard but dealing with it on years of broken sleep is extra hard. Also it's the time deprivation, I find I have to choose between sleep and time on my own ro recharge....I need both but I only have 1-2 child free hours a day (9/10-11pm) and it's a tough choice.

1. I was inadvertently comparing myself to others. I was so jealous when my friends had 2 hours a day "off" while their littlest napped - mine stopped at 23m and 15m - AND and evening (at least one of mine has generally been up till 9 or 10). I kept imagining how great they must feel, to have time to shower, clean even do a hobby and it was making me feel crap. I've recently been making an effort to accept our normal and to ignore social media and I steer conversations about this kind of thing to other topics and it helps.

No one enjoys every second. If they say they do they're either sanctimonious lying pricks or refer to the experience overall(not to the second) which is more normal.

DD is 10 now and yes I do miss it sometimes. But I miss the nice bits,the cuddles,the chubby legs running around,the giggles,the excitement for every single stick,rock,flower,box, how adorable their broken speech and mistakes are, how tiny she was and how she fit in my arms.I don't miss the lack of sleep(years),her refusal to eat(and the worry and stress) , her struggles to speak , the nappies, the reflux and how long it took to sort out and all that stuff.

I loved and love her, but I didn't enjoy every second and don't feel an ounce of guilt over it because there was nothing enjoyable with that shit. Even now when she's older and a great kid and everything is fine , I still mutter ffs sometimes. That is definitely not a second I'm enjoying. And that's ok.

I actually did enjoy every second with ds2 but that's because he was (and still is, at 14) the most easy-going, fun-loving, rule-following kid in the universe.

Ds1, on the other hand... dear god he was a terror. Didn't sleep through the night til he was 6 years old, argued everything, picky eater... totally charming and loving (he hasn't changed either and he's 26 now) but just difficult. If I'd stopped having kids after him I would've had an entirely different view of the early childhood years.

Just ;luck of the draw I reckon.

I'm not enjoying the toddler stage at all. Desperately want my own time to myself but my husband resent me outsourcing childcare on weekends as my toddler is in nursery most of the week (we both work 4 days, so she has 1.5 days at home with DH/my mum). Honestly sometime I regret being a parent although objectively I am quite "good" at it (am attuned to her, we have a goof bond, she is loved and well cared for). Life feels exhausting tbh. I hope it gets better for both of us OP!

Urgh so many typos, sorry

Love how all the perfect mothers come on to imply the op has something wrong with her for not enjoying being exhausted and being a drudge. Yes, there are enjoyable bits, but quickly overshadowed at the time by another tantrum or accident or need to be helped with something.

I think finding parenting enjoyable is quite a modern and privileged idea. Throughout most of history, the main aim was just to produce heirs to look after us in our dotage and then try to keep the buggers alive long enough for them to do so. And lots of first children (if female obvs)ended up helping out with the younger ones.

I think if the OP is finding every interaction with her children unpleasant then she should try and improve her life if possible. Or would you prefer her to be miserable? Yes life is still hard for parents and some people have it harder than others but if she can be happier with her life then Why would she not explore those options.

You make a list of things you dislike about parenting and refer do it as 'an absolute shit show'. From this I inferred that perhaps you were finding it quite stressful.

I totally get you OP. I don't look back with any fondness at those days either, in fact I feel a bit traumatised by it. Life was so so hard - both kids sickly, DH working all hours . No money etc etc.

I had two because the hormonal pull was strong. I got broody and thought the 2nd wouldn't be as bad , but it was.

I love my children and have a great relationship with them. They have successfully flown the nest and have happy successful lives. I think I did a good job. But if I had to do my life over I'm not sure I would do it again.
I feel your pain. It's not enjoyable for large swathes of it- but it does get easier.

agree with you OP, there was very little I enjoyed about parenting until my DD turned around 5 and went to school, I was a LP with no support and ultra stressed though so it was maybe different circumstances.

Well clearly the people saying “enjoy every moment” don’t mean the things on your list. But you didn’t need anyone to agree with that really.

Fine, it’s an annoying phrase. But the sentiment is “Even though this time is exhausting, you’ll miss the wonderful moments when you look back with nostalgia, and dearly wish you could cuddle your squidgy babies one more time or wonder at your toddler’s wonder or listen to them laugh. You’ll tell the tales of these times when they were absolute shits to them - the more disastrous the better - and genuinely feel you wish you could go back for a day.”

AIBU to say that people either didn’t experience this absolute shit show OR their brain has forgotten it so that the species can continue pro creating??

Yes, YABU. Because everyone who says “enjoy every moment” did experience the shitshow too and no, they haven’t forgotten it. They’ve just (rightly) decided to overlook the tedious awful bits for the absolute unparalleled joy of some of it. And they’re offering you - maybe misguidedly - solidarity and the idea that it is all worth it.

Ignore the judgy posters (amongst the supportive responses) OP.

and for you. Hang in there x

Having ready your recent post then yes I agree the things you listed are nit enjoyable and motherhood isn't something you can really enjoy every minute of but surely you can see that 'enjoy every minute is just an expression'. What it really means is 'don't forget to try and savour the good bits' 'don't let the slog get you down'. The reality of motherhood is it's busy and can be a treadmill. If someone keeps telling you to enjoy every minute maybe they are gently suggesting you are bogged down and need to work at making some good bits.

I found joy in all sorts of things when mine were little, when they gave me a cheeky little smile, when they achieved something new like sitting on the potty, when they fell asleep on me, when they squealed with excitement over bubbles etc. As they grow time seems to pass faster and I do get panicky now that they will be adults and leavinng home before I known it. When they were toddlers I could only see my future as a family with 2 small children. Now I see it when they leave and it does make me sad in some ways and I am glad I have so many happy memories and photos to look back on. I work really hard to fill the school holidays and weekends with things to do together, even if it's just a walk and a picnic. I also grab any opportunity they offer for a hug or quiet chat because I know soon these will become fewer. One day it will be someone else they go to (whichis quite right). You will feel it one day too op and you will probably tell some poor Mum in the thick of it to enjoy every minute too!

Also to add to my post I am a very literal person so I really did think 'enjoy every moment' meant enjoy every moment. Of course I appreciate that tantrums and illness are not enjoyable but I thought people did mean the general drudge of life. I now realise that the phrase is silly in that what it really means is something like take it all in and make the most of the non-crap bits.

So you don't find it stressful, you don't hate it and you like being a parent. You just don't enjoy it.

I never understand these threads from posters who write an OP which is one long complaint, other people sympathise and they retort 'No, that is not what I meant at all'

It's bizarre.

I hear you. It's over 20 years since my youngest was at that stage and I still remember feeling so very bored for much of the times. I'm sorry, but for me hours and hours of childcare and 'playing' with small children was just boring. I worked full time as well. I honestly don't know how stay at home mothers cope with the boredom of having only small children for company for hours at a time.

I also found the temper tantrums in public very hard to deal with. potty training seemed to take forever, and sleep deprivation is just agony. Also the endless washing of clothes, restrictions on where you can go out for the day, and how long, and what sort of holidays.... yes, I found it very hard going.

But, God I loved to hold them when they were sleepy, and nothing on earth feels nicer than a baby of your own in your arms. And I would forgive them anything when they gave me that smile. And I loved the questions and the awe of learning new things.

What I find utterly precious is that now mine are both adults is that they are genuinely the two best people on this planet. Wonderful company. Witty, compasionate, passionate about what they believe, polite, hardworking. I am constantly amazed at how very well they turned out given my half arsed parenting and my utter bewilderment at what to do with them when they were very small.

Oh god, not another one. Can't the complainers who are surprised that kids cry and can't use a bathroom yet just get their own thread?

You rise above it, OP. Being an adult is about rising above it and not turn everything into a disaster.

It’s not possible to enjoy every second, so ignore people who say that…but you do sound like you are having a rough time!

I only have one LO so not much experience but looking at your list there are quite a few things I recognise and the main thing that helped me stop feeling like I couldn’t enjoy it was sorting the sleep out.

Have you considered a sleep consultant or some sort of sleep training (doesn’t need to be cry it out, gentler approaches exist!). It helped us get some much needed rest and we are able to deal with difficult stuff and enjoy the good again!!

Can't the complainers who are surprised that kids cry and can't use a bathroom yet just get their own thread?

Surely this was their thread?

Well I’m a bit guilty of being the “enjoy it whilst they are little” brigade...although not every second! It’s obviously tough at times and even harder when you are sleep deprived as other pp’s have said.
My DS’s are 20 & 24 But I would give anything to go back in time to have moments again and you never realise when it’s actually the last time you might....

Read a story at bedtime
See their faces covered ice cream
Hear the giggles as they roll down a hill
Feel their little hands in mine
Have an exhausted toddler on my back after a day at the seaside
Tuck them up in bed by 8pm
See their little ‘baby bird’ heads as they wake up
Wrap and hug them in a towel after bath time.....I could go ON and ON!!

Back then the worries and stress were pretty much physical but now I’m always worrying about where they are, who they are with, drinking, drugs, driving. One is at uni and one still at home and staying awake until I hear the key in the door at 2/3/4am has become the norm for me!

Hang in there OP and try and snatch sleep when you can. There ARE many enjoyable moments to come 💖

But the cute little faces tho!

how can you enjoy anything if you’re only getting a few hours’ broken sleep at night and no time for yourself whatsoever?

See, this is the bit that was hard and difficult and awful but which is absolutely at the heart of the massive lessons I have learned from being a parent. It was like being honed in a crucible and looking back I would not have missed it. I think some of the greatest human philosophy boils down to this -choose to see some joy in the world even though it coexists with pain. It's at the heart of meditation and, whatever, Christian acceptance and I dunno, those incredible books written by people who have survived torture and concentration camps. It is possible as a human to feel awful AND YET see joy. It's ultimately a choice.

Parenting is nowhere near as hard as these terrible hardest human endeavours, of course! But I'd let a cosseted life. Until I had a baby I didn't realised I'd had an opt-out for any discomfort I'd ever felt. I could always ultimately bail. But I couldn't bail on children so I had to deal. And I could either feel terrible all the time or find the moments of happiness. And for me, that was transcendentally empowering.

This of course should be taken in the context that all of us have different resources in terms of health and privilege and support and resilience but I think everyone can benefit from opening up to the idea that you don't have to be a victim of what happens to you.

So you don't find it stressful ... but only wanted to list negatives ...

When I was absolutely exhausted, it was harder to find joy in anything. But there are parts on your list that didn't bother me - I didn't care about the hair pulling, fingers up your nose, wriggling when getting changed, or the toilet training (if they weren't ready - I just put them back in nappies). On a daily basis, most of those parts took a few minutes and I was usually focused on the next part of the day eg if I was getting them changed, I was thinking about the fact we were heading out for a walk; or going to my favourite cafe for lunch; or going to bounce and rhyme.

Not everyone loves the baby years and not everyone hates them. People and babies are different. If all you can see are negatives, are you getting enough support and are you depressed? Reach out for help in RL.

Well none of that is fun.

But other stuff is.

When they laugh so hard their little legs give out and they fall on their bum.

When they're amazed by the most strange things.

When they master things for the first time.

When they wake up laughing, jumping and just happy to be awake.

The way they play.

Jumping in puddles, mud pies, and other kid clichés 😁
Etc.

Mine are in their 20s now and I sure as shit wish I'd focused more on my list and less on yours.