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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

317 replies

Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 01:06

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 01:18

Ds 26 not 25 ! Sorry

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 14/05/2022 01:25

He could get extra work on the weekends. At 26 he is big and hairy enough to take care of himself/the things he wants to do.

Many people find a way to make it work. He doesn't need to find a way because you give it to him.

Notimeforaname · 14/05/2022 01:27

And he can move back to shared accommodation.

Your husband wants to enjoy his own money. I understand that.

Your son is closer to 30 than 20. He needs to take responsibility for his life.

Notimeforaname · 14/05/2022 01:29

I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it

You have placed yourself between the rock and the hard place. You're trying to keep everyone's feelings in check. You cant do that without a backlash. And here it is.

Tell husband to talk to son. So it's not just you in the middle.

Original poster
Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 01:35

It feels like.. ds needs down time at weekend after work in a challenenging classroom.
It.feels likw dh thinks that but is frustated.

It feelslike if dh tells ds this ds may give his training and a chance of good earning potential .. up ... 😟

OP posts:
Fizzyfish · 14/05/2022 01:40

Can totally understand why your husband is pissed off

SkankingWombat · 14/05/2022 01:46

I agree with Notimeforaname. He needs to go back to shared accommodation and get a second weekend job. Yes, it'll be tiring and he'll find it harder without the quiet space, but he's young enough to take it and it's not forever. You could still sub him a little money each week/month if needed, but the burden on you and your DH would be much less. Does your DS know you are both working specifically to fund his lifestyle? What happens when he finishes his course but is then needing help subbing his rent whilst he saves for a house deposit (or similar) - where does it end? At this point (and if it were me), even if he were still living with you, he would be expected to contibute a good chunk of the additional cost he generated by being there. I would be feeling grumpy and resentful too if I was your DH.

violetbunny · 14/05/2022 02:04

Yabu, I'm with your DH on this. You son is an adult. At 26 I was also still completing my education, but I was fully self funding and made my life choices accordingly. I was studying full time, worked weekends and live in shared accommodation. I don't think I had "weekends off" to rest until I was working full time! Your son needs to do the same.

Notimeforaname · 14/05/2022 02:09

What happens when he finishes his course but is then needing help subbing his rent whilst he saves for a house deposit (or similar) - where does it end?

I was thinking the same thing.

It feels like.. ds needs down time at weekend after work in a challenenging classroom.

Dont we all op!! He is a man is his mid- late 20s.
He has to work hard to have what he wants. His downtime or renting preference isnt your problem ...but you're taking it on as your problem.

Dancer47 · 14/05/2022 02:09

You are doing a physically hard cleaning job to send money to your 26 year old son despite being over 60 and with health issues.
The only possible justification is if your son were going to make a ton of money on qualification and was going to pay you EVERYTHING back you have spent on supporting him since he went to university. Is this going to happen?

It's all wrong. You are setting your son up for disppointment in life and he has an unrealistic quality of life already - will be able to afford a nice life and a lovely flat when he starts work, or will he get a shock when he has to pay for everything himself? No wonder your husband is fed up. Your husband and son need to talk to each other so you are not stuck in the middle. Your son needs to get a part-time job to fund himself.

Notimeforaname · 14/05/2022 02:13

At age 16 -18 I was going to school all day then doing evenings and weekend shifts in pizza hut..I didn't stop. 7am - 11pm on some school days. Then a 10 hour shift on Saturday's and a 6 hour shift on sundays..

That's what you do if you want money.

DPotter · 14/05/2022 02:47

MY DD is teacher training in a school, so is paid as TA. She flat shares with 2 others. I check in with her every now and again about money - last time I did she got a bit shirty with me - "Mum I want to be financially independent - stop asking".

Your son could be sharing a flat with others who are more mature so quieter than undergrads. If you really think your DS would give up his training if his parents stopped funding his single accommodation - he has bigger problems than wanting to chill out at the weekend. I don't blame your DH for feeling miffed. Tell them to talk to each other and to stop using you as a go-between

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/05/2022 04:08

Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 01:35

It feels like.. ds needs down time at weekend after work in a challenenging classroom.
It.feels likw dh thinks that but is frustated.

It feelslike if dh tells ds this ds may give his training and a chance of good earning potential .. up ... 😟

Plenty of trainee teachers live in student shares and successfully complete theur training.

blueagain · 14/05/2022 04:35

Your DH has a point. He should be in super cheap shared accommodation. Living in his own flat is a luxury for a full time well paid job

Andromachehadabadday · 14/05/2022 04:50

I don’t think you are between a rock and a hard place at all. I think your husband has a point.

You want your ds to have down time at the weekend? He is 26. And doesn’t support himself. He he wanted to do post grad, at 26 that’s for him to fund.

what if he wants to study further, or takes a while to find a job and save to move out?

You are both working in your 60s, in part to make sure your son at 26 has a relaxed weekend? He is 26. He needs to work as well as study. If relaxed weekend a were so important he should have started working instead of post grad.

Philisophigal · 14/05/2022 04:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

Andromachehadabadday · 14/05/2022 04:56

And if ds gives up studying because he can’t live in his own flat, partially funded by you and has to also work, that suggests his studies are just a way to avoid work and carry on being funded.

I actually can’t believe a grown man is letting his parents who are 60 plus fund him. Not being able to travel etc. I couldn’t have done that to my parents.

My mum died, suddenly, at 66. I would have really resented my brother if she had still be working to give him a life that’s quite luxurious, while he had weekends off.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/05/2022 05:24

Andonandonamdnn · 14/05/2022 01:35

It feels like.. ds needs down time at weekend after work in a challenenging classroom.
It.feels likw dh thinks that but is frustated.

It feelslike if dh tells ds this ds may give his training and a chance of good earning potential .. up ... 😟

If he does this, he doesn't want it enough. You and DH work extra, in your 60s and DS is the one who needs quiet space and down time? Nope.

I did a degree and two jobs at that age. Including a memorable 24 hour shift from Sunday to Monday and then straight to lectures with no sleep. Plus an evening job. Oh and it was a science degree and the jobs were homeless shelters. Not easy.

I'm guessing only child, very spoiled mummy's boy. Can do no wrong. No woman is good enough (or man).

KatherineJaneway · 14/05/2022 05:41

Your dh is right. If sounds like you are both spoiling him and giving him unrealistic expectations. How quickly will he get a job once qualified?

He could move into a quiet flat share, there are plenty of them about that are not party central.

I'd be sitting the three of you down, saying you need to cut back support and walking through his plans to support himself. What you don't want is his training to end then he takes 'time off' for a rest before job hunting for example.

Paq · 14/05/2022 05:48

At 26 he will have so much more energy than you. It's really not a hardship to get a house share with other young professionals and an evening/weekend job.

I know solicitors and accountants who did that post uni and during their professional qualification time when they weren't earning much. They just got on with it.

orangeisthenewpuce · 14/05/2022 05:50

The fact that you've funded your son to do what he wants this far in life is wrong imo. It was his choice to continue in education, it was up to him to fund it. I'm with your husband. Your son needs to move to cheaper accommodation and get a weekend job.

Moonface123 · 14/05/2022 05:55

Theres a saying " When you walk down the middle of the road you get hit by both sides. "
I' m with your husband, at 26 your son is more than capable of financing himself. At that age l was working a full time job in the day, and also an evening job, to finance myself.

Namenic · 14/05/2022 06:00

If he works in a classroom do they have school holidays? Could he do tutoring in these or over the weekend?

FairyCakeWings · 14/05/2022 06:03

Your ds might be old enough to deal with financing himself, but that’s not the point. The point is your husband chose to support his ds with his adult education and now he doesn’t want to anymore he’s taking his resentment out his ds. That is a horrible way to behave for anyone, but a man in his sixties should have more sense.

Plenty of people in their mid twenties still get some financial support from parents if they’re in full time education, it’s not completely out of the ordinary. No one forced your DH into this, so he needs to learn to be a bit more gracious if he wants to maintain a good relationship with his family.

user1497787065 · 14/05/2022 06:03

So you have pension income of almost 2k per month you both work still and resent topping up your son's income?

How much do you pay him per month?

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