To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

[Andonandonamdnn]

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

I still don’t believe he accidentally forgot or didn’t know when his. Course started and ended. Of course it’s a lot longer.

I think the fact that he is clearly lying or didn’t even look at the course properly before deciding he would do it at your expense makes this worse.

if you husband is struggling now any extra time is a long time.

@LuckySantangelo35 what a nasty post to me. The op mentioned several time exhaustion in her husband. Everyone is focused on entitlement and money but no-one seems to care that perhaps he is genuinely exhausted and any genuine change like that should be checked out particularly in your 60s. That doesn't of course mean he should then be checked for health and sent out to work! But my point is that an agreement and commitment was made but circumstances change and you sit down and work out a new agreement. No-one here knows that her son demanded anything. The parents perhaps wanted him to be in a quiet place and helped him find one. Once a lease is signed it's not easy to change just like that. Hence you work it out like adults. But the dh needs proper fairness and consideration and his needs need meeting. If he was adamant that the son must have a certain kind of flat, said he'd make up the difference and then suddenly says the son is entitled and that's it. That is not fair. If the one wangled an expensive luxury flat and the father's wishes were overridden and he's expected to pay for it that's not fair. We don't know what happened but sounds like a loving family to me who decided mutually on one course of action but now this isn't working for the dh and they need to change it. The mature way to do this is to discuss and work out how to change it going forward in a practical way. But I'm sure your way would result in a good outcome and good family relations would it?

Are you for real? The OPs son is 26.

I think you're both too involved in your son's life. At 26, I didn't expect my parents to supplement my bills or support me. You've already given him more support than a lot of postgrad students get.

Tell your DS you can't support him any more. He needs to come up with his own solution whether it be a new flat or a pt job. He can ask student services if there are any grants or funds available. Also ask him when and how he is going to pay you back the extra money you've already given him.

Then you and your DH can start to plan how you both live the life you expected and wanted to have. Your DH will feel better emotionally when he doesn't have to keep paying for his adult DS. Your DS will feel better for managing his own life and finances. And you can start to enjoy your retirement.

@Andonandonamdnn

you keep mentioning ‘the relationship’ whose relationship are you talking about? Yours with your DH? Yours husband’s relationship with son?

If it’s the latter… i don’t think your husband should be trying to conceal his resentment from your son.

Your son needs to know the impact of the current situation that he has chosen on his dad and that it’s untenable.

This might galvanise him when it comes to finding a shared house/ flat share - there’s loads of them around, no shortage, send some messages on my spare room.com, go and view a few one Saturday, pick one, job done!

@LuckySantangelo35 incidentally I did say he should get a professional or mature student house share. I was thinking of the lease problem however someone else suggested a lodger which is a brilliant idea. Landlord may not allow but that's a very practical idea.

@Ferngreen

”The retirement age is 67 - you both work part time. I would say with your big pensions you should get on with it and subsidise DS- this isn't the 1980s/90s with jobs for life - DCs need help if you can give it - it's only another year or so.

I have adult DCs in their late 30s and help towards housing and anything else btw.”

Yeah, OP you just “get on with it”!

You get on with your back-breaking physical labour in your sixties to keep your son in the completely unnecessary luxury of having his own flat all to himself.

Get on with it, sacrifice yourself, your needs don’t matter, its what parents do, put him first, after all they DID NOT ASK TO BE BORN! WAAAHH!

@Andonandonamdnn you and your family sounds lovely and of course you want the best for your son. Hope he finds a nice shared postgraduate house, where everyone is in the same situation. I lived in one where everyone was postgraduate, some international and it was fab. The house share he had sounds horrible.

And hope you and DH get to go away for a weekend at least, doesn't need to be abroad.

All the best, it will work out, great that he enjoys teaching.

In which case, it's plausibly too late to help him now but if he has a mental health diagnosis he might want to explore whether there is a scheme to support him to continue in the workplace or to provide a history if he later wants to claims PIP to facilitate this.

Is it maybe a Teaching Apprenticeship which takes four terms, meaning OP's 2023 means her DS will be able to move into a proper job in January 2023, rather than a whole extra year?

@EmbarrassingHadrosaurus

Having low mood in reaction to circumstances is not a mental health diagnosis.

It’s something we all experience. It’s part of being human.

Op says it’s September to September.

Many unis have halls specifically for mature students/MA/PhD students who have less of a party lifestyle than undergrads. How hard did DS look?

It sounds like he has been very fortunate to have parents pay for him to live alone whilst he studies. Most people in that position would have very wealthy parents, which clearly you are not.

Time for him to live the lifestyle he can afford, with whatever help you can actually afford.

I think your son needs to stand on his own feet more. You don't need to facilitate optimum conditions for him 24/7 - he needs to facilitate them for himself. He can find a quiet post-grad cheap student flatshare. PhD students won't be out boozing and partying like undergrads. He could work in the uni library until late at night. He could certainly take a couple of shifts at a restaurant on Friday and Saturday nights - good tips, free food. It won't be easy. He'll be tired. But he'll be more independent. I would tell him his father is exhausted and needs to reduce his work hours so the amount you can sub him has to go down too.

Your DH needs to step back from his work a bit. Can he reduce to 3 days a week? Can you budget for a holiday now?

Like others, I often worked a day shift in an office and a night shift in a restaurant when I was his age, to pay off student debt. He is young and strong and resilient. He shouldn't need subbing at his age.

He needs to live as normal students do, and not a 'wrapped in cotton wool' version of one.

Your husband in his 60s is tired working to support a 26 year old who would be too tired to get a job to support himself?

Oh come on, being pissed off cos you’re kept awake by the next room shagging is not a mental health issue!

He could live it’s others doing the same qualification, surely? Not all student houses are full of people partying. Many degrees these days involve placements.

I.feel.sorry for dc generation .. as someone said our salries were 12k each in the 80s and our first house 18k

I was never on more than £4,500 in the 80s and Dh was on not much more.

I do think my Dd would laugh at the idea of needing 2 days off to recover from only 5 days work. She is self employed and today is her 8th day of working in a row and she is definitely booked in for work until 24th May
Today her work hours are 10am-11.30pm then it is an hours drive back and she has to be at work for 7am tomorrow morning.
She is saving for her 2nd place

It feels like.. ds needs down time at weekend after work in a challenging classroom.

I’ve read it all now. At 26yo I didn’t get weekends off, or indeed any day, worked weeks on end, and seemingly 24/7 and wouldn’t have understood the term ‘down time’. If I wasn’t on my feet working I was sleeping in a little room on a bunk someone had likely recently had sex on and genuinely trying g to figure out if I last had a shower 2hrs ago or whether that was 26hr ago as hours and days just blended. I lived.

Seriously, even if noisy, all your son needs is a bedroom to prep work in and if he can’t manage that there is something wrong. Down time shouldn’t need to exist at that age.

Great suggestion. It’s not like he’s doing something really niche!

Sorry but at this age you need to step back. Having said that, you ahve 2k in pensions coming in each month and 2 x wages so where is all that money going? Do you still have a high mortgage to pay or something?

EXACTLY!!

Another difference for his generation, 2020 vs 1980.

Noise cancelling headphones!!!

And now you’ve said he’s a trainee teacher, peace to study is even more of an odd thing to worry about - all my teacher friends can just continue to work in school after kick out.

In which case, it's plausibly too late to help him now but if he has a mental health diagnosis he might want to explore whether there is a scheme to support him to continue in the workplace or to provide a history if he later wants to claims PIP to facilitate this.

???? Having a low mood because your housemates are keeping you awake with loud sex and parties does not mean a mental health condition and PIP claim! A normal person may look to solve it with decent ear plugs instead.