To feel between ' a rock and a hard place' with dh and ds...

[Andonandonamdnn]

Dh is 62 .
Ds , 25.
Ds is doing a funded post grad professional on the job qualification which means that he gets a minimal.wage ( not a grant) whilst he trains and works and quaifies.
Dh and I both worked all our working lives in public service jobs and in early 60s ( took pension then ) we have a pension for life , of 1.5 k pm dh and 450 pm me.
. We both work ... Me pt ,he 3/4 time in minimum wage jobs to top up income .
Borh dc thro uni , then ds decided on post grad as above. ..
Dc could not afford rent ( v high in area on the temp wage whilst training) so we pay a proportion of his costs and rent to.help him which has meant the need to earn more income.

.. he is texnically a student/ dependnant ?.. he could have lived in cheaper place with students but as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat not one with undergrads who want to party as he needs have quiet to prep in evenings for class. Etc.

Dh works 5 days a week. I work 3 to in part faciltate this and it means we have to be careful.with money.. we cant travel.abroad as hopes/ plannes etc. As we send money eaxh month.. Ive offered to do more work but dh says he does not wantme to as i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

.The rock and rhe hard place is this.... ds need s finiancial support till he qualifies next year in order to .stay in this decent quiet ish flat to study etc and go.to.work.5 days a week in school( v few available in a uni city were most places are busy student undergrad places) .. dh has started saying things like .". he is 26 years old .."." when i wasthat age" etc" ,i am in my 60s."." when will.the support end.". hes said to ds he is looking forward to the time he can work less.. he is grumpy a lot.. i think he resents the commitment of the support as he is tired.. its that he feels adult child of 26 wd not need ongoing £ support at this stage of life and whilst he wants to.support him , he also.resents it and it comes to.surface ? I dont know what to to.. he is withdrawn with dc on phone( notes by ds) as he is tired , resentful? , fed up, but also feels he should help.. it seems to.be increasingly hard for dh to do his.
. Ds has said to.me.why is dh like this ( withdrawn on phone) and i feel.stuck between the need to support ds and dh s wish to help him but the fact that this is coupled with tiredness and occasional ( what feels like resenment/ anger/ wanting freedom from supporting adult dc/ occasional pride in it. Its as if the wants tohelp ds but is tired and is starting to resent it at the same time. I dont want either dh or ds to feel bad . Plus we have said we will help.ds and the last thing i want is for ds to feel bad about it.

Your worried ds will give up the course if your withdraw money?
You need to sit down with ds, draw up a budget, work out how much he needs to get as a loan to cover himself for the next year if he isnt willing to work weekends.

He could try and get some tutoring work, especially if in an area that had grammar school entry

DS is young enough to be living in a house share and getting a part time job. It's ludicrous that you're both working so much extra just to fund him living by himself. Does your DS know you're both working purely to fund him? It has to stop.

The end is in sight. Agree an end date to
stop paying him. Tell DH it’s not much longer.

I meant “old” as in “back in my day…” and “today’s youth have it easy.” 😂

I agree with your husband. You diet know how much tine you both have left. You should be going on holidays and relaxing more, and not watching the pennies. I'm afraid you've spoiled your son. He should be in a flat share and working part time until he gets his dream job. I have studied 3 separate university courses while working, it is achievable. I don't know anyone who had a flat to themselves and didn't work! Think you need to change things for his next academic year. Listen to your husband. Your son needs to stand on his own two feet, he is more capable than you realise.

i do a physically hard cleaning job and have some health issues.

This jumped out at me. So you have retired from the public sector and are now doing physical work to help your son? On that basis, he needs to be in a house share and working in the pub at the weekends or whatever, not allowing his parents to take on the extra work for him. I agree with your DH here. I’d have a word with your DS and set a hard deadline for the support to end.

Righto @stopthepain so too old to have a valid world view, but young enough to keep working to subsidise his adult DS?
Look I get it's harder for the younger generation, but it doesn't make it right for a tired 62 year old to be working when he wouldn't have to if a 26 year old would flat share and/or take a part time weekend job.

Is your DS doing school-based training? The PGCE is only one year and whilst it's hard work, it's possible to work alongside it. School-based takes longer but I thought you could earn on the job.

I did my PGCE in 1993 having already bought a little house. I didn't have to pay fees then, but I didn't earn anything either. I spent most evenings playing in the band for shows and managed to pay my mortgage and bills using that. I took planning into the pit with me and between numbers I was reading stuff, marking & planning (and knackered).

My DD's BF is doing his PGCE now. He is back with his parents but goes to stay with her every other weekend, a 3 hour round trip, and they definitely don't spend all the time working. DD herself is doing a PhD. She is 22 and funding everything herself. I have guaranteed her portion of her rent but so far it hasn't cost anything. DD is sharing with 4 others. 2 of them are PhD students, one is another PGCE student and one works at the uni. Their house isn't rowdy as they all respect one another. However, they do arrange house meals every couple of weeks - tonight they are all watching Eurovision together.

TL:DR your husband is correct. Your DS needs some tough love. He doesn't need to live in a monastery and if lesson planning is taking entire weekends, he's not doing it efficiently.

I am 40. I think this is ridiculous. The parents in their 60s

its not out of touch to expect an adult to support themselves if they choose to continue to study in to their lates 20s but also want their own place and weekends to chill out.

I am fully supporting my dd through uni from this September. Because she is only 18. I won’t be doing it in 8 years time.

That sums it up

Your son is a mature student. He needs to fund himself. I can’t believe he work let you and his dad carry on working and just be funded to live in a luxury flat. Where’s his sense of pride?

Also @stopthepain he does have time for a part time job. Because his weekends are currently filled with him relaxing. That’s when he could work.

Your dh has a point. At 26 why is your son making life choices that rely on him taking so much money from his parents? When does your dh get to slow down and enjoy the retirement he's worked so hard for?

If ds couldn't afford to keep going on studying in the way he is accustomed to then perhaps he shouldn't have chosen to do it.

Lovely to see the causal ageism on the thread, as always appears when threads involve anyone over the age of 50.

Andonandonamdnn
It feels like.. ds needs down time at weekend after work in a challenenging classroom.
It.feels likw dh thinks that but is frustated.

Your son needs "down time" in the career he is choosing to work in and a nice flat while on minimum wage and so cant afford the rent and other costs? Plenty of people juggle work, small children, education, looking after their sick parents and paying their own bills.
DS can look for ways of reducing his bills eg rent with other young professionals.

DH and DS need to have a man to man and work things out between themselves.

FairyCakeWings
Plenty of people in their mid twenties still get some financial support from parents if they’re in full time education, it’s not completely out of the ordinary. No one forced your DH into this, so he needs to learn to be a bit more gracious if he wants to maintain a good relationship with his family.

Sorry what should the son "be" if dad needs to be gracious while working 5 days a week to fund his son's life choices?

I agree that if his Ds can’t afford to live in a flat alone then he needs to flat share or continue living with his parents using his bursary. He shouldn’t ask for such a large amount of money. I was just pointing out that OP’s DH’s comparison of himself to his Ds is a bit unfair :)

Who is saying that you're sion needs his own flat and can't work weekends? Is it coming from you or your son?

You need to all sit down together and talk it out. How long is the post grad course for?

Tell him you are going to reduce how much you give him in say 6 months so he has time to either get another job, move accommodation or both.

It shouldn't all be on you to work it out though. You all need to have an open discussion about it so it works for all of you.

OP I think it sounds like you are great parents who want to support DS to get ahead in life even in his mid 20s. However...... DS should be sacrificing MORE than you two. I worked 3 crappy part time jobs to find my Masters. One at week nights, one weekend nights and one weekend days. I was exhausted and run down but that's the sacrifice I had to make. He needs a job and to make massive lifestyle cuts

Your DH is harsh in his delivery, but not wrong in his message.

Your DS has basically started a new qualification on the presumption that two pensioners will subsidise him! That's not on at all. Your DH deserves a rest at his age, not paying out for another able-bodied man.

I'm not sure what you and your DH discussed about it beforehand, but I would suggest you and your DH agree a date, then give your DS a deadline as to when the support will stop e.g. 6 months time. Your DS can then start making plans to move back into a shared house that he can afford from then, and also get a second job in a pub etc if he's not got quite enough.

I'm surprised your son is comfortable with watching his parents slog themselves for his benefit during their 'retirement'. He sounds a bit spoilt and entitled. He needs to get a flatshare like everyone else. How would you feel if you or your husband became ill and were never able to do the things you planned? Put your husband first and stop the gravy train!

Downtime??? Sorry but what happens when DS is qualified and has shedloads of paperwork to do plus young children etc... at the moment he could be working a couple of evenings in a pub and have a weekend job!
I did a full time job in a school, did my degree in the evenings and raised my first dc at that age. What on earth??!!

It's lovely that you care, but your DS shouldn't want you to support him. He should want to support himself! You said you have health problems... does he?

Your DS is spoilt rotten. Unless parents are very wealthy he doesn’t get everything he wants - doing the course, nice quiet flat, weekends off. He has to get on with it - house share, part time job (he can do grinds for example). Like how everyone else who didn’t have wealthy parents had to get on with it. He sounds completely selfish. I would never put my parents through what he is putting you through. It doesn’t bode well for his future career when he can’t handle any kind of hardship. I feel so sorry for you and your DH having such a son @Andonandonamdnn

as he now is doing a professional placement via a school.. we/ he felt he needed a quiet ish flat
Who insisted on the ‘quietish flat’?

Was your DS prepared to live in a house share but you both said no, we’ll pay for something better?

What are you paying for - is he living completely alone? There’s loads of options that are not only Party Central or Nice One-Bed Alone. Professionals in their 20s house share. He could be a lodger etc

It feelslike if dh tells ds this ds may give his training and a chance of good earning potential .. up ...

Why do you think if he needed to move to cheaper accommodation he’d give up his course and career ambitions entirely?

Either you don’t have much faith in your DS as an adult with resilience and grit, or he’s taking you for a ride and/or is a lazy git with no resilience or grit.

OP,

You have facilitated your son living in cloud cookoo land.

This is not the real world at all.

His elderly parents working hard jobs so he has a home and chill time.

Not a chance would I be doing this.

He decided to get extra qualifications on the back of the two of you.

This needs to end.

My son has met friends at university working 35 hours a week to pay for themselves and they are 22.

He's 26 and living off you when you cannot afford it.

Your husband is right, this has to end.

You are absolutely great parents, but your husband is correct.

Support is one thing, this is too far when you cannot afford it.

Hello all . Thanks for replies
I primarily asked as I was concerned about dh s seeming mental and physical tiredness re this which seems to.be building and was worried it may affect relationships.
Ds is workimg in school. He was a t a but is now trainee teacher so he gets a wage but it is low until he qualifies.The plan and hope was this sept he wd be a teacher and on that wage but it seems that is not until 2023 now . Therefore we thought it would be manageble to do for a period of time , but now that time is a year longer than we envisaged. Ds is actually looking for a flat share. The issue was the resentmemt / frustration dh seems to be feeling( i shd have said about this but i was a bit upset and i was thinking about the relationship when i.posted.. sorry) and how to.address things .
Also as the rerirement age is actually 67 i had not expected to actually retire early 60s. So the feelings expressed by dh took me back . As for helping son om career , we suggested helping him .. its the extended time that seems to.have got to dh even tho he knows son is now lookimg for a share.. and that is the thing i find confusimg as the end is near.
(Our other dc is about to leave uni and has asked.to.come home for.a while and i think that he is perhaps overwhelmed.)
I.feel.sorry for dc generation .. as someone said our salries were 12k each in the 80s and our first house 18k . We hoped to.support dc to.get.a decent job in this climate i suppose.. as i do.feel we had it easy in comparison . ..
All.these feelings go into the mix i suppose. !
But my main priorities are to.
make sure that the relationship isnt affected or anyones wellbeing ... and i needed to.explore this . Thanks
.